"Kanye West's a fan of Dead Ringers. Personally, I prefer Alistair McGowan."

"It's a shame Abu Hamza's being deported... I really thought they'd let him off the hook!"

AMERICAN:
"My mother used to say to me - 'never trust a man with an enlarged prostate'... which is why I'm voting for Obama."

ELDERLY PERSON:
"All this fuss about John Terry's hearing! No one gave a toss when I went deaf!"

"People should lay off Andrew Mitchell... I mean, some of his best friends are oiks!"

"England absolutely battered Afghanistan... oh, and we also beat them in the cricket!"

"Most men now expect women to go Dutch. Good - I love a fake tan!"

"Paris Hilton's got a new film out - 'How to Lose Friends and Alienate Gay People!'"

"A referendum promise written in blood? Health 'n' safety'd never allow it!"

"Fruit brands are at an all new high as Apple have taken over Aston Martin as the 'Coolest Brand', closely followed by Orange and Lemon Cif."

"The Queen wants to arrest Abu Hamza. I think the best method for her would be using a fishing rod. Hook, line and sinker."

"Shares in the toymakers Hornby have dropped 34% following their disappointing sales of Olympic style train sets. The company has been de-railed following the decline of the decathlon de-trains de-spokesman from de-company said.

(Lady - Sounds like a cook)
"People call Abu Hamza "Hook Handed". I prefer "Future Whisk Enabled".

My bunch of rejected nonsense:

JackApp

With this awful change in weather I wondered if you'd sign this petition against the rain-clouds visible from my back yard. I'm a cumulo-nimby.

Those 2000 workers didn't mean to start fighting at the iPhone factory in Northern China, but it's where the iPhone's new satnav app told them the Croydon Wetherspoons' car-park was.

No wonder the Queen wants rid of Abu Hamza, there's only room for one racist, offensive foreigner in this country and she's married to him.

I don't think that newly-formed companies need a relaxation of visa restrictions to help them grow - just start accepting Mastercard and PayPal instead.

This new type of undulating, slow-moving cloud visible in Scotland - is it the nimbus replacement service?

I'm saddened and disappointed by the news that X-Factor judge Tulisa Contostavlos lost her virginity at 14 - I live at number 12. Interestingly both the house and that joke were previously owned by Bernard Manning.

When I read the headline "Hornby in profit warning" I didn't know which possibility upset me more: the model train company being in financial trouble or the writer of Fever Pitch predicting even more civil unrest over the recent film about Muhammad.

Hello, is that you Justin? It's Mum. I know you said not to call you at work but when are you coming home? Your dinner's been ready for 20 years. Appropriately, given your show, it's waffles.

Has anyone seen my wife? I haven't seen her since she attended John Terry's press conference.

Opinions...

...are like Bruce Forsyth's toupee and photos of naked royals... they're extremely common but just prove that most people have very little up top.

And finally, that was NewsJack from September 2012...

... when Nick Clegg pledged £100m for the provision of childcare, although it didn't work as just two weeks later David Cameron left him behind in a pub.

... when a Scottish distillery started using whisky leftovers to fuel cars, proving that the Scots just can't stop drink-driving.

... when Damian Lewis won an Emmy for his role in US drama Homeland, proving to David Cameron and Boris Johnson that even a ginger Old Etonian can be popular so long as he doesn't put up tuition fees.

... when John Terry retired from international football, then celebrated by going down in the box, changing ends, sliding in a tackle from behind and scoring several times, after which he stopped playing football and had sex with someone else's ex-girlfriend.

This week's failings..

Intros

Nick Clegg has pledged £100m to provide nursery places for up to 100,000 two-year-old children. "It is only fair that these cute little things have somewhere nice to go and play with their friends", David Cameron was quoted on Mr Clegg and the Liberal Democrats party's role in the coalition.

Denmark is tightening its rules on sperm donation. In separate news Russell Brand and that bloke who plays Ken Barlow in Corrie have suddenly decided against their planned flatshare in Copenhagen.

The first part of Peter Jackson's Hobbit trilogy has been chosen for this year's Royal Film Performance. In a story that may sound vaguely familiar to the Royal Family, The Hobbit recounts the adventure of a group of dwarves who set out to reclaim treasure stolen from their ancestors by a great dragon. 'I didn't steal the treasure, I was just keeping it safe' claimed Paul Burre.. sorry, claimed Smaug the Dragon.

The X Factor has reached the critical 'Judges' Houses' week. Strictly Come Dancing were considering running a similarfeature, but the sheer volume of erotic artwork on display in Len Goodman's house deemed it inappropriate for a family audience.

JackApp

I see the tabloids are referring to the Andrew Mitchell scandalas 'Plebgate'.... I hope Mr Mitchell himself uses 'Pleb-Pedestrian-Gate' and not 'Pleb-Main-Gate'.

Mine

Italian Authorities have recently arrested a fake Airline Pilot, suspicions that he was an imposter were first aroused when he passed a breathaliser test

I don't know how Nick Ross made a 34m profit from his house, I suppose it must have gone through many reconstructions.

The Army have been forced to deny that the recent pregnancy In Afghanistan was caused by a failure to pull out in time

Apparently that recent Meteor shower was caused by some space rubbish, honestly they'll blame Dr Who for anything these days.

Scientist have warned about an impending Helium shortage - they say that they can't stress this highly enough... without any helium

New York inmates complaining about lack of Dental floss Are absolutely determined to continue the fight as they all have the bits between their teeth.

Scientists have recently been studying 170 year old Potatoes, I think I've been to that same little chef

Swimmers in Northumberland narrowly failed to break the World skinny dipping record, One of the male participants apologised about coming up short but said that always happens in cold weather.

Would these be better off in the KI One-liner submissions thread?

My rejects:-

Correction
Last series we wrongly announced that John Terry had given up his international career. We can, however, now confirm his retirement for good after he resigned from the English national team this week and applied for Welsh citizenship.

Newsjack have acquired a sneak preview of this year's mathematics GCSE exam paper. One of the questions on the paper is 'What is the mean difference between 30 and 15? Is this too easy we ask? We think not when you consider the answer is, of course, instant dismissal, an 18 month custodial sentence, and inclusion on an entirely different kind of register.

As China acquires its first aircraft carrier, Newsjack asks the vital question - Do you want that plane or with ships?

In a shock development, the police officer involved in the Andrew Mitchell row renounces the 'foul-mouthed four letter word' tirade during the incident. The officer is quoted as saying 'I never at, any stage, called Mr Mitchell a Tory.'

Toy maker Hornby announces a profit alert. A statement from the chairman, Sir Topham Hatt, stated that the firm really was in the 'poop-poop.'

The Queen is said to have 'raised concerns over Abu Hamza.' She also commented on the uprising in Syria, the war in Afghanistan and the colour of the drawing room curtains at Balmoral.

Scientist have warned about an impending Helium shortage - they say that they can't stress this highly enough... without any helium

Mine:

As a rule of thumb you should halve you age and pay that amount into a pension scheme, but that's insane! Why should I live my life by the rules my thumb keeps making? Even my fingers are opposed to it.

Why do people keep asking me how I know I'm shooting 70% of the badgers on my land? It's simple; I leave it up to my neighbours to shoot the buggers on their property.

The relaxation of planning rules means I can now build my dream home. Thing is, the dream I had was a nightmare, so I'm not sure what the neighbours will make of my giant, screaming melting wax face bungalow.

I think it's right that Nick Clegg should come out and say the Daily Mail doesn't have its finger on the pulse of Lib Dem thinking. It flatlined a long time ago.

Mine are as follows;

In a week when a servicewoman gave birth in Afghanistan without knowing she was pregnant, the MoD reported a successful withdrawal from the extraction point ... later followed by a triumphant departure from the military camp.

Channel Four turned heads and gurned jaws this week with "Drugs Live: The Ecstasy Trail" in which volunteers revealed how the drug effects the brain, the show ran for two consecutive nights and will be finalised Friday morning when Dave Lamb lambastes the volunteers on Come Down With Me. If you missed it; Four-O-D ... that's not the catch-up website, but the trail results.

Jack App

BLOKE:I don't do politics, but I was totally behind the free Pussy Riot campaign, until I learned it was actually about an incarcerated Russian punk band.

Everyone's auto-tuned Nick Clegg's apology [BEAT] Wait, auto-tuned does mean automatically tuned out, right?

So Nigel Farage wants a 'written in blood' guarantee of a referendum on the EU; he must have misunderstood when UKIP insisted he come up with some bloody policies.

I always knew that G4S stood for 'Group Four Security?', but I never realised it was a question until the eleventh hour fiasco.

Danny Alexander's right, the Tories should stop trashing the green agenda; if they cared at all they'd at least recycle it.

Quote: BenBroughton @ September 28 2012, 8:33 PM BST

Mine are as follows;
Channel Four turned heads and gurned jaws this week with "Drugs Live: The Ecstasy Trail" in which volunteers revealed how the drug effects the brain, the show ran for two consecutive nights and will be finalised Friday morning when Dave Lamb lambastes the volunteers on Come Down With Me. If you missed it; Four-O-D ... that's not the catch-up website, but the trail results.

View original

Haha That is killer Ben!

Here was my nonsense! Some of it waaay too long but still . .

Det. Insp. Cluedo of New Scotland Yard was defending his statements this week and insisting he was in no way 'Playing Games' while announcing; Miss Conduct - In the Public Office - with the Telephone Wire.

In an unrelated incident - (which is in fact related) Inspector Cluedo denied any truth in the rumours that neither Cavity Sam or Samwise the Hobbit had been harmed in any way in a report featuring the words 'Operation' and 'Elvedon'.

Miss Conduct denied that she had received any payments from Middle Earth's World of News after Samwise promised to give her a ring the following weekend which then never materialised and that Cavity Sam had lost heart in the matter - along with a funny bone, spare ribs and butterflies in his stomach.

----

Luton Vicar, Rev. Jim E Saveel, has responded quickly to the news that his local Indian Restaurant were organising sham marriages. Rev Jim was seen at his neighbouring St Savouries Church (which is just around the Korma), handing out wedding flyers. The new Church logo was - in direct competition to the Restaurant - to also include an out-dated font and listed the following; Alter Boys would be sure to provide complimentary mince along the aisles; all couples would receive free Pope-a-doms, a Peshwari Psalm and of course, the Service would be included.

----

Last week's strange 'Lights in the Sky' have finally been explained as human debris. It now seems Captain Smirk, aboard the International Space Station, was apparently misheard by NASA. Smirk accidentally activated the toilet intercom while simultaneously pushing his Number 2 button: Space Junk 'eject to flush' and calling, 'Wow! That was Meaty all right! I'm taking a shower.

----

Here is a Maths Question: A man leaves his job unannounced on Friday to board a Ferry to France. Is he;
a) 30
b) 15
c) Singing, Don't Stand So Close to me by The Police
or d) Do all the above words and numbers feature in the final sentence?

Ed Miliband has said he's targeting the 'forgotten 50%', I think he should leave his brother alone.

Two of the G4S directors have left the company. They would have left earlier but they couldn't find the security to escort them out of the building

Jaguar have launched their new F-Type. Did they name it after Jeremy Clarkson?

I didn't know Adrian Chiles was such a fan of modern art; apparently he spends a lot of time in the Tate

The average length of a British penis is longer than a French one. Was this before or after Joey Barton went over there?

A billionaire has offered a £40m reward to any man who can marry his lesbian daughter. He should ask Nick Clegg, he's familiar with a total turnaround

The Russian owner of the The Independent has been charged with hooliganism. Who says foreigners can't adapt to our culture?

The favourite for this year's Turner Prize is a pile of excrement, is it the USA Ryder Cup team?

I can understand why David Cameron wouldn't take a phone call from Obama when he was playing tennis. After all, he is Britain's number 2

We shouldn't criticise Lewis Hamilton for wanting more cash, Formula 1 is dangerous. The start of a race involves the scariest lap since Jimmy Saville's

JK Rowling's new book contains sex, drugs and general human nastiness; is it a biography of Justin Lee Collins?

Simon Cowell had to call in an exorcist after hearing strange noises in his home. It was probably just Louis Walsh in the closet

"If Harry Styles is a bonking machine; then Ed Miliband's a clonking machine."

"The government had no right to ban clamping! How I choose to stimulate my nipples is none of their business!"

"If Kate Middleton's bottomless... how on earth does she defecate?"

"Newquay have banned mankinis... much to the annoyance of Man City supporters."

"If drugs have supposedly gone out of fashion - then why are supermodels still coked up to their eyeballs?"

"Nick Griffin's offended Catholics... and Muslims and Jews; and blacks and Asians; and gays and..."

INTRO: Researchers say they have discovered a statistical relationship between a person's lifestyle and how they like their eggs. Poached egg eaters are outgoing, boiled egg consumers are disorganised and those that like their top off with soldiers are likely to land Prince Harry in trouble.

INTRO:Jack Straw has claimed Gordon Brown came to realise he was not up to the job of Prime Minister. Straw has previously been Home Secretary; Foreign Secretary; Leader of the House of Commons; Justice Secretary; Lord Privy Seal and Lord High Chancellor, so he is in a better position than most to comment on jobs that people can't do properly.

INTRO: Scientists have developed a telescopic lens as thin as cling film, which they hope to roll up and take into space. The US Air force said the costs savings were huge, but on the downside the serrated cutter edge was still a bloody useless pain in the neck.

INTRO: Firefighters in Aberdeen were called out to rescue a man whose head was wedged in a litter bin. A spokesman for Apple said it wasn't ruling out issuing another apology.

JACKAPP (IRANIAN): I have defied my government and risked my life and that of my family to access YouTube and social networking sites to discover what our rulers wish to hide from my people. Who or what is Justin Bieber?

A couple of mine from this week:

"Labour has promised to scrap energy regulator OfGem as the regulator had failed to "get tough with energy giants" They also failed to get tough with electrical fairies and coal dwarves."

"Adeles Bond theme song has leaked online before its release due at 0:07am on Friday. Sending listeners to sleep a few days earlier than expected.

"Lost footage of The Beatles visiting a fish and chip shop while filming their surreal film "Magical Mystery Tour" is to be seen for the first time. Also discovered was footage of The Rolling Stones visiting a hairdressers and The Mama's And The Papa's visiting a bakery."

They used Arnie/sign one

Introductions

Ed Miliband has claimed the UK soul would be damaged if Scotland declare independence, but Scotland said it has to leave as England kept a note book full of all the other countries Scotland has spoken to

The University of California has opened the Arnold Schwarzenegger Institute for State and Global Politics, "This is great news" said a local sign maker

The Labour Conference saw Union leader Paul Kenny claim Ed Balls would give an aspirin a headache, which was tame compared to his suppository comparison

Psy has topped the UK charts, making him the highest charting Korean of all time - narrowly beating Kim Jung Il's cover of It Wasn't Me

Ed Balls has suggested ways to kick start the economy, scrapping his old method of shaking it and shouting work! Just work! Claiming it was too close to the Tories benefits policy

George Michael has cancelled the Australian leg of his tour adding weight to the rumour that He's Never Going To Dance Again

Newsjack Apps

I'm pleased Amir Khan has a new head trainer, but who's going to teach him to hit the body?

It has been twenty five years since Ikea came to England, bloody foreigners coming over here and creating jobs

I don't think much has been achieved at the UN General Assembly, maybe next time they should have a Specific Assembly

Why are the Sun running a One Direction promotion, I thought the public wanted to ban them from showing tits

I'm glad The Popes butler is on trial, everyone knows you put the tea bag in before the milk!

So David Cameron has attacked Russia and China and the BNP are harping on about ethnicity and grooming - you have to feel sorry for the Top Gear script editor

END