Conservative MEP Daniel Hannan said the European Union winning the Nobel Peace prize rendered parody redundant - oh well we've had a good run

Surprised they didn't manage to slip this one in.

These are mine

INTRO
Deranged daredevil Felix Baumgartner plunged to earth faster than the speed of sound, but it still took him ten minutes to fall to the ground. That's nearly nine minutes longer than it took Audley Harrison.

JACKAPP:
ANGRY ENGLISHMAN: Five match points and a fifty quid dead cert down the drain.... Scotland, you can have your independence and take your tennis players with you.

INTRO
The UK Drug Policy Commission recommends relaxation of the penalties for drug users. Lance Armstrong was unavailable for comment.

INTRO
Nigel Farage was scathing about the decision to award a Nobel Peace Prize to the EU. "Rather than bring peace and harmony, the EU will cause insurgency and violence," he said hopefully

my shower

jackapps
(Mancunian man) So what if left George Michael's concert after 20 minutes, its cool to do that innit, everyone leaves my gigs early.

(Cockney bloke) I think its about time Audrey Harrison faced facts and retired from boxing to concentrate on his painting, you can see he's drawn to the canvass these days.

(American guy) So I heard Lance Armstrong used to supply his teammates with drugs, guess this makes him a bit of a wheelie dealer huh?
(
Woman) A recent report suggests that after spending all day at work sitting behind a desk then coming home to sit in front of the telly may increase the chances of an early death, well after watching just 5 minutes of 'the one show' i'm inclined to agree.

Correction

Yesterday we incorrectly reported that Felix Baumgartner broke the world record for fastest decent to earth, this record was actually is currently held by Audley Harrison who managed to hit the deck in just 82 seconds on Saturday evening.

Here are my rejected one liners from this week's Newsjack, where my first sketch on my 2nd submission to the show was broadcast mine was the Madonna piece.

100's of London taxis have been recalled due to steering faults. Nick Clegg has consulted on the new design, due to his experience handling unexpected U-turns.

A study on treefrogs revealed smaller males have been found to lurk in the shadows of their larger rivals in order to benefit from their superior and more attractive mating calls, whilst offering no attempt at making their own distinctive sound. Ed Miliband was seen at the report's press conference diligently taking notes.

Theresa May celebrated her new slimline figure in a £700 outfit by London designer La Petite Salape, which translates as The Little Slut. Eric Pickles was seen wearing their plus size range Le grand homme de pommes de terre, The Large Potato Man.

The Institute and Faculty of Actuaries have revealed that claims for whiplash are on the rise. The author of 50 Shades of Grey refused to comment on the matter.

The Bird's Eye company is to pay itself a £250m windfall as part of a restructuring of company finances. Unfortunately the man who discovered the large Fish Eye on a Florida beach last week was described as, excited, delirious but confused.

Amateur astronomers have discovered a planet with four suns. It is not yet known if they were all by different fathers, the big intergalactic trollope.

Mauritania's President was accidentally shot by his own military last week. David Cameron has reportedly hired those responsible as Nick Clegg's personal detail.

Frankie Boyle is to sue the Mirror for labelling him racist. In criticising the paper for saying mean and nasty things about him, Boyle has become the pot accused of calling the kettle black.

Residents of Ilfracombe remain undecided on the artistic merit of Damien Hirst's 60ft bronze statue. Critics believe the depiction of a large pregnant woman bearing her breasts and screaming at the sea would be more relevant to an Essex town.

"That guy who jumped from space was kinda impressive, but I hold the world record for the most scotch eggs eaten in a minute, 94, your move Baumgartner."

"I was testing my giant bluefin tuna Halloween costume on the beach last week but one of the eyes fell out and I can't find it anywhere, it's about the size of a grapefruit, if anyone has seen it give us a bell."

Quote: LippyAlison @ October 19 2012, 12:01 AM BST

Yahoo has recruited more Google executives. Even Yahoo searches now turn up Google in first place.

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I like this very much. I think it needs rewording but it's very clever.

My Weak 5:

JUSTIN:
Paintings by Picasso, Matisse, Monet, Gauguin and Freud have been stolen from a museum in Rotterdam. Police were expected to make a statement, but they couldn't agree on what it was trying to say.

JUSTIN:
A South African teacher took a class to a fast food restaurant for a class treat, cramming 19 children into a Renault Clio. They then enjoyed a royal old feast, that unfortunately meant only 11 could make the journey back.

JUSTIN:
Radovan Karadzic started his defence for war crimes in The Hague by claiming he was a 'tolerant man' who had sought peace. Before asking if anyone wanted a 'piece of him' and threatening to beat them all up in the car park.

JUSTIN:
The artistic merit of Damien Hirst's giant bronze statue of a pregnant woman has split opinions in the Devon seaside town of Ilfracombe. Outrageous, immoral, bizarre, obscene, offensive, disgusting, grotesque, a monstrosity and of no artistic merit, Damien Hirst is a sculptor.

JUSTIN:
A conference this week has opened a debate between Europe's most prominent scientists, philosophers and theologians over the origins of everything. The money that was ploughed into experiments showing what scientists have discovered was handily offset as neither the philosophers nor theologians required even the most basic of waste paper baskets.

THERESA MAY:
I have no doubt that computer hacker Gary McKinnon is seriously ill and, as such, I am withdrawing the extradition warrant against him. (PAUSE) I'm sure these notes didn't say this before I printed them out...

JACKAPP:
I'm glad Virgin Trains will continue to run services on West Coast Mainline for at least another nine months. I might very well arrive at my destination.

JACKAPP:
Hear about those plants that grew 10% faster when forced to listen to the Geordie accent? Geordie Shore, Cheryl Cole and Ant & Dec? I think they were trying to escape.

JACKAPP:
I'd like to give Austrian skydiver Felix Baumgartner yet another record: Craziest Loon In The Whole World Ever.

Dan

Quote: blahblah @ October 18 2012, 10:56 PM BST

Introductions

Conservative MEP Daniel Hannan said the European Union winning the Nobel Peace prize rendered parody redundant - oh well we've had a good run

Thanks to his astonishing weight loss of nine and a half stone Flemish politician Bart De Wever became a public favourite which culminated in him becoming Mayor of Antwerp this week. This is not the first time a politician has used a weight change to get into power - to become Prime Minister David Cameron gained twelve stone

A Frankie and Benny restaurant in Swansea accidently gave a two year old boy whisker instead of juice - the mistake was only discovered when his parents caught him texting an ex girlfriend

In radio news Clare Balding is set to replace Aled Jones as the host of Radio 2's Good Morning Sunday - talk about the bland replacing the bland

Apps

I hear there's a café in Japan that charges you to sleep next to someone without having sex - if that's what they want why don't they get married? Seriously I've been married twenty years and its only hate that's inside of me

Electric pants do prevent bed soars, but they're not very helpful with my incontinence F/X electric shock

Corrections

Mistakes are like children - easy to make but hard to escape from. In an attempt to distance ourselves from past mistakes Newsjack would like to make the following corrections

And Finally

That was Newsjack first broadcast two years ago during the week that saw David Cameron and Alex Salmond agree to hold a Scottish Independence referendum and I can now exclusively reveal the results and - sorry my producer wants to talk to me

F/X whispering

I'm sending the vote to deadlock

END

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Really like the EU one.

The David Cameron 12 stone one is lost on me. Have I missed a really clever reference there?

That whisky one was used. Good one!

On the Balding / Jones one I feel it needs to end with the bland leading the bland to really work. (Obviously the set-up needs to be different then!)

That marriage one isn't so far off the mark. There were a few JackApps this week that were just 'my life sucks' so def on message.

On Corrections they've never used the mistakes are like children line but I know it's been sent in a few times. (I've sent it in twice once about the Pope and once about the Chinese!).

Here's a memory test for people can anyone remember NJ doing anything on X-factor this series? I could be wrong but (thankfully) they seem to have avoided it this time around.

Quote: radiogagger @ October 18 2012, 11:22 PM BST

Poor Johnny Ball. He should have told the panel to think of a higher number.

Pippa Middleton has turned down the chance to promote her book on American chat shows. I suppose she wants to swot up on the Magna Carter first.

CORRECTIONS
Last week we said that UK athletics were withdrawing funding of Paula Radcliffe because she's Scottish. We meant to say its because they were worried she would piss it all away...

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I liked these best from yours radiogagger. Again I might be being harsh but for the rest I felt the 'twist' or 'surprise' was missing a bit. Seems like now they're looking for a take on it that no-one else has done.

Quote: LippyAlison @ October 19 2012, 12:01 AM BST

Yahoo has recruited more Google executives. Even Yahoo searches now turn up Google in first place.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Is it right I only get one question about Scottish independence? Oh, was that it?

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Like these. That Yahoo line was very good, although as Dan said perhaps need a slight re-wording.

Quote: enigmatic @ October 19 2012, 5:32 AM BST

INTRO
Deranged daredevil Felix Baumgartner plunged to earth faster than the speed of sound, but it still took him ten minutes to fall to the ground. That's nearly nine minutes longer than it took Audley Harrison.

View original

That's a great line. Shame that NJ seem to shy away from only the very biggest sports stories.

Quote: ash williamson @ October 19 2012, 2:13 PM BST

Residents of Ilfracombe remain undecided on the artistic merit of Damien Hirst's 60ft bronze statue. Critics believe the depiction of a large pregnant woman bearing her breasts and screaming at the sea would be more relevant to an Essex town.

"That guy who jumped from space was kinda impressive, but I hold the world record for the most scotch eggs eaten in a minute, 94, your move Baumgartner."

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Nice work on the sketch - Good job!

And don't know if NJ feel the same but personally I feel Nick Clegg U-turn / Eric Pickles fat / Ed & Dave Miliband / 50 shades of Grey have been done to death.

The statue one is good, in fact so good I think a very similar one made the recording. And I just like the scotch eggs one.

Quote: Dan W @ October 19 2012, 9:47 AM BST

my shower

Correction

Yesterday we incorrectly reported that Felix Baumgartner broke the world record for fastest decent to earth, this record was actually is currently held by Audley Harrison who managed to hit the deck in just 82 seconds on Saturday evening.

View original

Ah. That is a good joke as I said earlier but may explain why they didn't go with it!

Quote: swerytd @ October 19 2012, 2:34 PM BST

JUSTIN:
Paintings by Picasso, Matisse, Monet, Gauguin and Freud have been stolen from a museum in Rotterdam. Police were expected to make a statement, but they couldn't agree on what it was trying to say.

JUSTIN:
The artistic merit of Damien Hirst's giant bronze statue of a pregnant woman has split opinions in the Devon seaside town of Ilfracombe. Outrageous, immoral, bizarre, obscene, offensive, disgusting, grotesque, a monstrosity and of no artistic merit, Damien Hirst is a sculptor.

THERESA MAY:
I have no doubt that computer hacker Gary McKinnon is seriously ill and, as such, I am withdrawing the extradition warrant against him. (PAUSE) I'm sure these notes didn't say this before I printed them out...

JACKAPP:
I'm glad Virgin Trains will continue to run services on West Coast Mainline for at least another nine months. I might very well arrive at my destination.

View original

Wow, it's a tough gig if that paintings line didn't get in. Think the McKinnon one was great too but that story had three sketches so was pretty well covered!

And that Damien Hirst one seems very similar to one in the recording. It might not have been about Damien Hirst but definitely a style they like.

--------------------------------

And only fair I put my own out for public comment:

THIS IS THE ONE THAT GOT ON:
(OLD PERSON) I don't know why all these people are using food banks. I don't trust banks, so I keep all my food tucked away in a mattress upstairs.

(I ranked it 5th favourite so shows what I know)

AND HERE ARE THE OTHERS:

I don't believe blood boosting really helps endurance athletes. If that was true wouldn't more people be cycling in the Twilight movies?

So Theresa May wants to opt-out of all the EU rules and then choose which ones to keep later on? (SIGHS) It's like playing Monopoly with my 8-year old.

(GEEKY MAN) I really like the new GoldieBlox toy that tries to get girls interested in engineering. But the more important question is what's going to get girls interested in engineers?

A record 8 million people watched Felix Baumgartner's jump on YouTube. There's only one video that's going to beat that - Felix Baumgartner's jump auto-tuned.

Finally Cuban are scrapping exit permits for citizens who want to go abroad. Although if you want to get back in again you will need your hand stamped before you leave.

(WORKING CLASS MAN) I'm not surprised that James Bond has a secret gay past. I mean he drinks cocktails after all.

AND THESE AREN'T REALLY FUNNY BUT HEY, THERE'S A MESSAGE:
Starbucks UK haven't paid any tax since 2009? And I thought their coffee left a bad taste in the mouth.

Do Starbucks UK expect us to believe they haven't made any profit in 3 years so don't have to pay tax? And I thought their muffins were difficult to swallow.

Quote: StephenM @ October 19 2012, 4:11 PM BST

Here's a memory test for people can anyone remember NJ doing anything on X-factor this series? I could be wrong but (thankfully) they seem to have avoided it this time around.

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I haven't listened to ep 4 or ep 5 yet but there was a reference to "We're down to the final 12...viewers" in one of the earlier ones.

Quote: Big Jack @ October 19 2012, 4:20 PM BST

I haven't listened to ep 4 or ep 5 yet but there was a reference to "We're down to the final 12...viewers" in one of the earlier ones.

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Yes, in the recording that I WAS SAT NEXT TO StephenM AT!

Quote: StephenM @ October 19 2012, 4:19 PM BST

THIS IS THE ONE THAT GOT ON:
(OLD PERSON) I don't know why all these people are using food banks. I don't trust banks, so I keep all my food tucked away in a mattress upstairs.

View original

You know nothing. This is the one that made me LOL.

Dan

Quote: swerytd @ October 19 2012, 4:30 PM BST

Yes, in the recording that I WAS SAT NEXT TO StephenM AT!

You know nothing. This is the one that made me LOL.

Dan

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Those new to the forum now know exactly how much store to put by my opinions.

Quote: StephenM @ October 19 2012, 4:19 PM BST

The David Cameron 12 stone one is lost on me. Have I missed a really clever reference there?

View original

It was attempting to reference he needed Nick Clegg to get into power - I was really pleased with that one but I should have made it clearer

[quote name="StephenM" post="924725" date="October 19 2012, 4:19 PM BST"]Really like the EU one.

I liked these best from yours radiogagger. Again I might be being harsh but for the rest I felt the 'twist' or 'surprise' was missing a bit. Seems like now they're looking for a take on it that no-one else has done.

Appreciate the feedback. I probably write too many gags, and should work on making a nucleus of six or so stronger. Not had any on Newsjack, but bizarrely wrote a gag a couple of wednesdays ago - too late for newsjack but submitted elsewhere - and a very similar one (identical punchline) got on - not saying it was copied, just I feel I'm so close sometimes - and other times - well your only as good as your last gag...

There was a better Johnny Ball line on the show - 'Think Of A Rumba'.

Loved your Starbucks two. More than the food bank one!
(Sounds like a football score gone wrong. or a campaign to release prisoners)

My faves

Groovydude89
"Instead of declaring Lance Armstrong's titles void - they should do the logical thing - and give them to the EU."

Blinkered
JACKAPP: This survey is true. I really was attracted to my late husband by purple. His money and how soon he'd turn that colour.

Blahblah
Electric pants do prevent bed soars, but they're not very helpful with my incontinence F/X electric shock

Radiogagger
(Female voice - maybe from Birmingham) I feel really sorry for the Pakistani schoolgirl who was shot in the head by the Taliban for wanting to go to school - she's now being flown to Britain to be treated by the NHS - she just can't get a lucky break can she?

LippyAliosn
Yahoo has recruited more Google executives. Even Yahoo searches now turn up Google in first place.

Enigmatic
INTRO
Deranged daredevil Felix Baumgartner plunged to earth faster than the speed of sound, but it still took him ten minutes to fall to the ground. That's nearly nine minutes longer than it took Audley Harrison.

Dan W
Woman) A recent report suggests that after spending all day at work sitting behind a desk then coming home to sit in front of the telly may increase the chances of an early death, well after watching just 5 minutes of 'the one show' I'm inclined to agree.

Yesterday we incorrectly reported that Felix Baumgartner broke the world record for fastest decent to earth, this record was actually is currently held by Audley Harrison who managed to hit the deck in just 82 seconds on Saturday evening.

Ash Williamson
Residents of Ilfracombe remain undecided on the artistic merit of Damien Hirst's 60ft bronze statue. Critics believe the depiction of a large pregnant woman bearing her breasts and screaming at the sea would be more relevant to an Essex town.

"That guy who jumped from space was kinda impressive, but I hold the world record for the most scotch eggs eaten in a minute, 94, your move Baumgartner."

Swerytd
JUSTIN:
Paintings by Picasso, Matisse, Monet, Gauguin and Freud have been stolen from a museum in Rotterdam. Police were expected to make a statement, but they couldn't agree on what it was trying to say.

StephenM
(OLD PERSON) I don't know why all these people are using food banks. I don't trust banks, so I keep all my food tucked away in a mattress upstairs.

Here were mine, and the Ceral one was recorded, although I didn't like it much myself & If I'd had more I jokes probably wouldn't have sent it.

Freefall record holder Felix Baumgartner has spoken about the intense training he had to undergo for his stunt. For example, to acclimatise himself to the severe lack of atmosphere, he spent most of his life living in Austria.

Using Mistletoe to fight breast cancer sounds like a great idea. If I'm having a kiss at Christmas then I'm more than happy to add a Breast examination for free.

Brad Pitt has admitted that he struggles with certain British accents. For example his Cockney accent is said to be... well a bit Brad Pitt

Marine biologists who found a Giant eye on the beach, were puzzled as to it's origins until they gave it a shake and a message popped up saying ask me later.

Whiplash claims are reported to be on the increase, but how else are you going to get teachers to work extra hours.

Parents have been blamed for failing to feed their children Breakfast. Although most seem to be isolated cases, The government do plan to crack down on Cereal offenders

I'm involved in a conference that aims to bring Science & religion together, Ok it's not a conference really we're just watching the Star Wars Movies back to back.

just discovered this thread , so here are my first attempts :

scotland leaving the uk ? a bit like an elderly man cutting off his no longer working penis...

audley harrison ? yes he should retire , he's been battered around the ring more times than julian clary ..

jimmy saville ? what I want to know , is who fingered him...?

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ October 19 2012, 6:45 PM BST

Parents have been blamed for failing to feed their children Breakfast. Although most seem to be isolated cases, The government do plan to crack down on Cereal offenders

I'm involved in a conference that aims to bring Science & religion together, Ok it's not a conference really we're just watching the Star Wars Movies back to back.

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The cereal line got a suitably impressive groan at the recording. Got to be happy with that.

The Star Wars line seems familiar as well. Did that make the recording? Or did I hear something similar elsewhere.

Quote: slarnder @ October 20 2012, 12:08 AM BST

just discovered this thread , so here are my first attempts :

scotland leaving the uk ? a bit like an elderly man cutting off his no longer working penis...

audley harrison ? yes he should retire , he's been battered around the ring more times than julian clary ..

jimmy saville ? what I want to know , is who fingered him...?

View original

Hi Slarnder, welcome to the thread! One piece of advice is that usually NJ don't like to be too risque so it might be better to avoid slightly rude stuff.

And imagine the JackApp is someone giving an opinion rather than answering a question. For example.

I think Audley Harrison should retire. He's been ....

Quote: StephenM @ October 20 2012, 12:50 AM BST

The Star Wars line seems familiar as well. Did that make the recording? Or did I hear something similar elsewhere.

View original

Oh it might have.
I'll assume it did, to cheer myself up.

All Jack App thingies:
For 27/9/12
Osborne said we shouldn't divide and then he did just that. I think he might be a crystal math addict. After all, his economic plans are all imaginary numbers.

For 20/9/12
I asked Michael Gove what he thought about the number of top English Bac grades being limited. He said so was the amount that he cared.

With the new English Bac single exams, one bad day can ruin a child's life. That day is called Election Day.

The new O English Bacs take us back to the 70s, but for Michael Gove that's only the start. He won't be happy until we have an Empire, traditional values and portable gramophones.

Corporate finance advisors Catalyst this week described a £20 billion opportunity for private health firms in the NHS. But they could get even more if they just auctioned off the organs of patients.

Spanish protestors, who started the Occupy Movement, are now focusing on singing- and chanting-based protests. I heard Simon Cowell was getting interested.

Spanish protestors, who started the Occupy Movement, are now focusing on singing- and chanting-based protests. Wales is now in the throes of revolution.

The number of families in B&Bs is up by 44%. It's shocking how difficult it is to go on holiday these days - I mean, not even half-board?

The number of families in B&Bs is up by 44%. And that's not because they can't afford half-board, as my rich neighbour idiotically suggested.

The UK's top city for piracy has been announced - I was shocked it wasn't Plymouth.

The UK's top city for piracy has been announced - I was shocked it wasn't Bristol.

A study of the most popular musicians pirated around the world has been published. I know, a global piracy story not about Somalia!

The Welsh Education Minister has said they won't rush into GCSE changes. We get it! Devolution is cool! You get to have sensible governance! Stop rubbing it in!

The BBC reported that "Illegal rat meat" has been sold in a market in London. What worries me is that they needed to clarify 'illegal' in front of 'rat meat.'

I read the headline 'Westwood declares war on materialism' and for a moment thought it was Tim, pimping rides by painting cars red with huge speakers to play the Internationale.

I read the headline 'Westwood declares war on materialism' and for a moment thought it was Tim, turning his back on pimped rides forever.

I read the headline 'Westwood declares war on materialism' and for a moment thought it was Tim, pimping rides with hammer and sickle decals.

The food company suing Jamie Oliver over their so-called Pink Slime is known a beef processor, which is not to be confused with a beefcake processor, which is a computer used to compile Hollyoaks Hunks calendars.