Bluepeter and Saudi ones are plenty sweet

Bluepeter and Saudi ones are plenty sweet

So, this list is up. Must try harder. Off to 'Critquesville'.

Hmmm...I'm already here. Worrying.

Labour want to cap tuition fees at £6,000? They must be mad. Students aren't going to put up with that kind of increase.

Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, warns of 'long, hard road'? That would be preferable to the potholed, shale covered sago pudding that we currently have to drive on.

The Royal College of Nursing has called for extended visiting times in hospitals. They believe this is necessary, primarily to allow patient's relatives to be more involved in their care, and secondly, the car parks simply aren't making enough money.

I see virtual monkeys are close to writing all of Shakespeare's works by mashing on virtual keys; I don't know how they find the time when they're also writing Ed Milliband's speeches, oh no, sorry, that's buffoons, not virtual baboons.

When I saw Vladimir Putin is to be re-elected as Russia's president he was smiling from ear to ear, although I think that might have just been the new facelift.

I hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned three life-size bronze statues of himself; apparently, Austrian police are anticipating a 300% increase in reports of bottom groping.

(GERARD DEPARDIEU; FX: CONTINUAL URINATION) I would just like to confirm although the creator of Asterix has retired, I will continue to reprise my role as Obelix. (IN DISTANCE) Excuse me, Gerard you cannot urinate there! (FX: PHONE OFF TONE)

(OLD LADY) When Ed Milliband said the 'system had failed' I thought the pressure had got to him and he needed a change of pants. It turned out it was just verbal diarrhoea.

(WELSH FARMER) I was the one who told Rihanna to cover up in my field, thing is she misunderstood me, I meant she should cover up that impressive forehead of hers. Could've been the worst case of sunburn!

I can't believe a US deep-sea exploration firm got the silver and we come away with nothing, it's just like the Olympics all over again!

So, Sarkozy wooed Carla Bruni with his green fingers, there was me thinking it was his Napoleon complex!

(WEST COUNTRY) Carla Bruni might find Sarkozy's interest in gardening endearing but she just misunderstood him when he asked her to 'give him tulips'.

Bah, failed again. Here were my (more than likely final) one liner efforts this week.

FOR JUSTIN
US computer programmer Jesse Anderson has set about trying to create the entire works of Shakespeare using over a million virtual monkeys. He was only able to start the project after the monkeys had completed the last of their recent, high profile government IT projects.

NEWSJACK APP

UPSET MAN

My wife's just left me. She said the only thing keeping us together was the reassuring, universal constant of the speed of light.

ANGRY MAN

When the bank of England prints money no-one bats and eyelid. When I do it, I get arrested.

NEW YORK WOMAN

I went to see Paul McCartney's ballet yesterday. I was so excited; all my troubles seemed so far away. Once I heard it though, it looked like they were here to stay.

CORRECTION STINGS

Mistakes are like having sex with a goat. That's it really. Come on. I said it was a mistake.

Mistakes are like when your wife asks you about her hourglass figure after twenty years of marriage, you really don't want to admit it's all gone pear shaped.

CORRECTIONS

We would like to apologise to jockeys when we said they were going to be limited to a maximum of five strokes in the last furlong. We were of course talking about their use of a whip during racing, and didn't mean to imply there would be any interference in their private lives

AND FINALLY

When this episode of Newsjack was recorded, Saudi Arabi had just announced it would allow women in their country to vote. This was followed by allowing them to drive. Now fifty years later, after pressure from motoring groups, they've finally been allowed to take the Burkha off their windscreens.

Enjoyed these

Quote: Park Bench @ September 29 2011, 6:15 PM BST

Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, warns of 'long, hard road'? That would be preferable to the potholed, shale covered sago pudding that we currently have to drive on.

The Royal College of Nursing has called for extended visiting times in hospitals. They believe this is necessary, primarily to allow patient's relatives to be more involved in their care, and secondly, the car parks simply aren't making enough money.

View original

Quote: Corey O'Graffor @ September 29 2011, 6:18 PM BST

(WELSH FARMER) I was the one who told Rihanna to cover up in my field, thing is she misunderstood me, I meant she should cover up that impressive forehead of hers. Could've been the worst case of sunburn!

View original

Here's mine:

THE JACK APP

Opinions are like walking in Memphis in your blue suede shoes. They're great to share. Luckily here at Newsjack we have the ideal opinion sharing tool in the form of the Jack App.

* Why have they made another film about The Three Musketeers? They're all for one, half a dozen of the other if you ask me

* John Williams was trending on Twitter the other day and I was really upset that something might have happened to him. Luckily he was safe and sound and I regained my composer.

* I'm not surprised Dominique Strauss-Kahn has asked the judge to throw out that civil suit. I had to throw out one of my suits the other day because of a stain on the crotch so what state must his be in?

* When I heard that Amazon had called its new Kindle "the Fire", I was surprised. Usually when you hear the words, "Amazon" and "Fire", you hear about "an area the size of Wales" afterwards.

* I don't think I-Pod's have made people antisocial. I think that in a way it's... Sorry but I love this song!

CORRECTIONS

* Last week we reported that former member of the Goodies, Graham Garden had been implicated in the phone hacking scandal. This was incorrect and Newsjack would like to apologise for any reference to Garden Gate.

My laugh free zone....

JackApps/ One-liners

(1)This week 999,999 monkeys have written the works of Shakespeare. It would have been a million but the other one was still working on his speech to Conference.

(2)Richard O'Brien voice: "Greece need more time - if they come out of the Eurozone now they will not have enough crystals for the Crystal Dome!"

(3)So we're going to have an Indian summer, are we? Does that mean it'll be over inside four days?

(4)The world's largest naan bread, measuring 6 metres across, has been created in a village in China. About an hour after eating it residents complained that they were "still a bit hungry".

(5) Nerdy scientist: "This week in my lab I have researched the mating habits of zebrafish and discovered that the smaller weedy males of the species have a higher chance of securing a mate. Also this week I have bought a new stripy jacket."

Potential runner here:

(b) A 29 year old alleged former escort who became Chief Executive Officer for Mansfield Town Football Club has announced her engagement to the Chairman of the club, 45 year old John Radford. Radford said, "I haven't been this pleased since I bought my new stripy jacket."

(c) David Cameron here. I have been looking into how the Conservatives can recover popularity with the female voter. From now on all party members will be wearing these new stripy jackets.

(d) I do think Italians are very stylish - especially that Silvio Berlusconi with all of his new stripy jackets.

My ungrateful bastard children:-

JUSTIN:The Roman philosopher Positus said 'The one path to true wisdom is to listen to the words of the common man.' We'd like to prove Positus wrong - as we hear your opinions via the JackApp.

APP CALLS

CALLER:Hello Newsjack - just wanted to say the North Pole is made of candy floss and Germany has floated out into the sea. And since you've probably been hacked by NewsCorp those facts will definitely appear in next year's 'Times Atlas of the World'.

CALLER:That warning system in the Turkish morgue that buzzes so the corpse can let people know they aren't actually dead? I hear they've installed one on the podium of the Labour party conference.

CALLER:I think it's awful that terminally-ill patients are being told their benefits are going to be cut. They'll be having to pay for their own 'Do not Resuscitate' tattoos next.

CALLER:How can people say young kids fighting in cages isn't dangerous? What if they escape?

CALLERo David Cameron's launched a 'Britain is Great' campaign? Sound's pretty lame...unless they get Tony Tiger to voice the ads - 'Britain's Grrrrreat!

I should add - I didn't spot the virtual monkeys story till today, so everyone else has already submitted the joke I was going to send in for next week's show....and better.

Quote: Park Bench @ September 29 2011, 6:15 PM BST

So, this list is up. Must try harder. Off to 'Critquesville'.

Hmmm...I'm already here. Worrying.

Labour want to cap tuition fees at £6,000? They must be mad. Students aren't going to put up with that kind of increase.

Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, warns of 'long, hard road'? That would be preferable to the potholed, shale covered sago pudding that we currently have to drive on.

The Royal College of Nursing has called for extended visiting times in hospitals. They believe this is necessary, primarily to allow patient's relatives to be more involved in their care, and secondly, the car parks simply aren't making enough money.

View original

Didn't get the first one the other 2 are great

Labour want to REDUCE it from £9k.

In general there is a lot of funny stuff on this thread, but I'm not kidding when I say almost all the gags have too many words in them. I know I'm guilty too. Which is why it's annoying/disappointing/just one of those things that a fantastic gag like this:

Quote: Frantically @ September 29 2011, 7:51 PM BST

CALLER:How can people say young kids fighting in cages isn't dangerous? What if they escape?

View original

didn't get in. Clear, succint, funny. I haven't heard tonight's show yet but I'd be very surprised if there were many better Jackapps than this one and even more amazed if there weren't at least a dozen used that were a lot worse. Bad luck Frantically.

I should warn you my sense of humour is perhaps a little different but these are these ones made me laugh. (This probably means they'll never have any chance of getting on anywhere)

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The Turkish Football Association banned men from attending a game between Fenerbahce and Manisaspor; last week. As a consequence, it became the first match in history; to be watched solely by people with no grasp of the offside rule

Labour want to cap tuition fees at £6,000? They must be mad. Students aren't going to put up with that kind of increase.

Why have they made another film about The Three Musketeers? They're all for one, half a dozen of the other if you ask me

John Williams was trending on Twitter the other day and I was really upset that something might have happened to him. Luckily he was safe and sound and I regained my composer.

The world's largest naan bread, measuring 6 metres across, has been created in a village in China. About an hour after eating it residents complained that they were "still a bit hungry".

Nerdy scientist: "This week in my lab I have researched the mating habits of zebrafish and discovered that the smaller weedy males of the species have a higher chance of securing a mate. Also this week I have bought a new stripy jacket."

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And can I just say the Rihanna farmer was from Northern Ireland! Don't take away my country's one chance of fame (well that and the Tevez for Limavady story)

(WELSH FARMER) I was the one who told Rihanna to cover up in my field, thing is she misunderstood me, I meant she should cover up that impressive forehead of hers. Could've been the worst case of sunburn!

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One thing I noticed while reading these is the length. I've not got something on Newsjack in a while (sigh) but shouldn't the apps be pretty short? The twitter 140 characters is a good rule of thumb I'd say.

Perhaps some people could put one or two successful ones on here to confirm / deny?

Quote: StephenM @ September 30 2011, 12:37 AM BST

One thing I noticed while reading these is the length. I've not got something on Newsjack in a while (sigh) but shouldn't the apps be pretty short?

View original

Me too (in terms of nothing on - though I don't mean I'm naked) but the stuff in this thread is generally too long for the gag.

Interesting to hear how short an app should be

I don't think an app needs to be incredibly short, just that it needs to be as short as it can be to tell the joke. That might be grandmothers-eggs-sucking but I forget the rule myself often enough, especially when rushing an ultra-topical idea.

Quote: StephenM @ September 30 2011, 12:37 AM BST

One thing I noticed while reading these is the length. I've not got something on Newsjack in a while (sigh) but shouldn't the apps be pretty short? The twitter 140 characters is a good rule of thumb I'd say.

Perhaps some people could put one or two successful ones on here to confirm / deny?

View original

This is the Jackapp I submitted that got on:

MAN (JackApp):I can't believe this Coroner in Ireland actually ruled that someone died from 'Spontaneous Human Combustion'. Everyone knows there's no such thing as . . . [LOUD BANG] . . . Sorry, I forgot to stab my jacket potato. As I was saying, only school-kids and Arthur C Clarke believe in that nonsense.

They cut it after potato which of course is the right thing to do as the last sentence adds nothing (except length). And this isn't false modesty but I didn't think this jackapp was particularly good and Frantically's is a LOT better so I think luck is definitely a significant factor here.