Here's mine from ep1 reposted:

I'm out of practice with these, and haven't obviously heard the new series with the new format and presenter yet, but for what it's worth here's my rejects this week.

Corrections:

Last week Ken Livingstone overturned a ban on filming in law courts. The compromise being that cameras would only be allowed to film the judges. It was not, as we reported, a clause in Simon Cowell's American X-Factor contract.

One-liners:

Did the study into all the unnecessary rubbish they put in Currys include those extended warranties?

The fact that the United Kingdom has held a working relationship with a man guilty of crimes against humanity makes me despair at the ITV schedulers. Louis Walsh must be stopped!

Hmm, 'too wordy' seems to be the theme of week 1. Here's my dross:

POSH:
Of course Eton won't be able to advise on traditional state school subjects such as knife crime! We've absolutely no experience of teaching Home Economics! (SNORT LAUGHTER)

MECHANICAL:
I predicted with 100% accuracy that any conversation between two computers would quickly descend into argument. (BEAT) Oh, yes I did. (PAUSE) Oh, yes I did. (PAUSE) Oh, yes I did. (REPEAT TO FADE)

APP:
I wholeheartedly agree that irresponsible bankers should be struck (CROWD: Yay!) off (CROWD: Boo! SINGLE VOICE: Copout!)

APP:
Political parties are facing a 10k cap for donations, are they? As far as begging goes, that's still some pretty expensive headgear...

APP:
Of course we knew Britain's telephone numbers would run out eventually, but longer numbers are just irrational.

CONTINUITY:
And now on BBC4, we'll be continuity announcing via your messages, as it's cheaper...

APP:
That senior house-building figures were recruited by the government to draft new planning rules just goes to show how important building early foundations are.

GLUM:
I heard scientists have identified a 'happy gene' that helps people be positive. It could have fixed my condition but I'm O-negative...

CALL CENTRE:
(READING FROM SCRIPT) Hi, I'm Rick. They say: 'the only certainties in life are death and taxes'. Well, now *we're* giving *you* the unique opportunity to consolidate that saying into a single lump sum 'Death Tax'! Hello? Hello? (OFF TO SIDE) It's another ansafone... (CLICK)

FINALLY:
And finally, that was Newsjack in the week David Cameron visited Russia, leaving Nick Clegg in charge of the country for a single day. A day in which oxygen was mistakenly banned, all nouns were erroneously replaced with the name 'Barabbas' and the Bank of England was accidentally sold for magic beans. Who would have thought that it would have worked out so well in the end. The Giant turning out to be the most incredibly astute brain of his generation and, ultimately, the financial saviour of the world. Well done, Nick! RIP.

END

Dan

My failures from this week;

I don't understand why are homeopaths so expensive? Surely you should only need to pay them a tiny amount for them to be effective?

A man in Glasgow asked me "Have you got a pen pal?", I replied, "No, but I do sponsor a child in Africa".

I'd just like to know, does "Third Party" insurance cover you against the LibDems?

I don't understand what the NHS have got against cervixes, why the smear campaign?

After all the stupid jokes about "Talk Like a Pirate Day" I can't wait for "International Talk Like a Trappist Monk Day".

Just met Fernando Torres, I asked him how he was, which was okay, but he went mental when I said "and what about the missus?"

Sarah Jessica Parker's new film is called "I don't know how she does it" and I have to say, I agree, quite how she's managed to make a worse film than "Sex and the City 2" is beyond me.

I realized that my friend had misunderstood "Talk like a pirate Day" when he asked me "You want DVD?".

Italy's credit rating has no reached such a low that Rome's bordellos are now asking for Berlusconi to pay upfront.

1There maybe an upset over scruffy tramp Gordon Roberts being on track to be an Olympic torch bearer. Even though a Facebook campaign has been backed by 18,000 people supporting him.
Being affiliated with this scruffy mess may seriously damage my reputation. As well as my ability to ask for spare change for a cup of tea . Said Gordon in a recent statement.

2 I heard that those eight Amish men who were jailed in Kentucky, for refusing to display orange 'Go Slow' safety triangles, on their horse drawn carts will be appearing on Top Gear in 2012. Should be interesting, Clarkson's never driven something with only one horse power. And the Amish usually sit behind the horse's arse.

3Hugo Boss will be celebrating the prosecution of Europe's worst anti-Semite John Galliano by rereleasing all the clothes the company designed for the SS.

4David Cameron see's no conflict of interest in MP John Djanogly being put in charge of cuts to legal aid that will make him vastly richer. In other news Eric Pickles has been asked to head up investigation into who ate all the pies.

5If rogue traders are addicted to risk? Can't they hunt for IEDs in Afghanistan, rather than blowing a billion on a 100 to 1 chance?

6I'm no racist but my last NHS foreign GP had no clothes on, giant black eyes and shoved a probe up my bum. At least he still made house calls in his flying saucer.

7Massive security presence at Lib Dem conference fails to stop members walking out.

8Why am I striking? Nah it's not about student loans. I'm doing media studies with anarchy studies at Luton and this is my final assignment.

9NUS students reveal that their strike plan to refuse to attend lectures, do any assignments or wash have been taking place since 1997.

10With Glasgow now being the director's location of choice, as a stand in for San Francisco. It's a step up from its usual role standing in for Stalingrad.

11Master chef producers have reiterated, that the programme will maintain its high standards, even though being moved to daytime TV. The first episode had to be cancelled, as one of the contestants was arrested for shoplifting ingredients from Tesco.

12Boris Johnson has been accused of hiring someone to do all the tedious work associated with being mayor of London. He said to our reporter "I completely deny asking some one else to do my job. Now if you don't mind I need to clean Bozzer's, I mean my, toilet."

13Nick Clegg has gained 3 out of 4 of the Liberal's demands from the coalition government. So that's tea, milk and sugar. Only biscuits to go before complete victory.

14Anarchy OK. The new magazine for the celeb obsessed girl who wants to bring down the state. This week smashing handbags or smashing shop windows?

15As a Libdem I am delighted that despite all legal measures the Dale Farm residents have not been evicted. All thanks to a successful last minute appeal to the courts. As a Libdem I'd also like the number of their la

Quote: Tony Cowards @ September 22 2011, 9:40 AM BST

My failures from this week;

I don't understand why are homeopaths so expensive? Surely you should only need to pay them a tiny amount for them to be effective?

A man in Glasgow asked me "Have you got a pen pal?", I replied, "No, but I do sponsor a child in Africa".

I'd just like to know, does "Third Party" insurance cover you against the LibDems?

I don't understand what the NHS have got against cervixes, why the smear campaign?

After all the stupid jokes about "Talk Like a Pirate Day" I can't wait for "International Talk Like a Trappist Monk Day".

Just met Fernando Torres, I asked him how he was, which was okay, but he went mental when I said "and what about the missus?"

Sarah Jessica Parker's new film is called "I don't know how she does it" and I have to say, I agree, quite how she's managed to make a worse film than "Sex and the City 2" is beyond me.

I realized that my friend had misunderstood "Talk like a pirate Day" when he asked me "You want DVD?".

Italy's credit rating has no reached such a low that Rome's bordellos are now asking for Berlusconi to pay upfront.

View original

Hi I like these but are you sure some of them are topical enough?

Also they don't seem to be overkeen on puns and wordplay.

But frankly I think they just print out all the entries and go for which ever one the Newsjack pees on.

Best of the bunch for me

Quote: M Paterson @ September 20 2011, 9:53 PM BST

One-liners:

Did the study into all the unnecessary rubbish they put in Currys include those extended warranties?

View original

[/quote]

Quote: Tony Cowards @ September 22 2011, 9:40 AM BST

I don't understand why are homeopaths so expensive? Surely you should only need to pay them a tiny amount for them to be effective?

A man in Glasgow asked me "Have you got a pen pal?", I replied, "No, but I do sponsor a child in Africa".

I don't understand what the NHS have got against cervixes, why the smear campaign?

View original

Quote: sootyj @ September 22 2011, 9:51 AM BST

1

5If rogue traders are addicted to risk? Can't they hunt for IEDs in Afghanistan, rather than blowing a billion on a 100 to 1 chance?

6I'm no racist but my last NHS foreign GP had no clothes on, giant black eyes and shoved a probe up my bum. At least he still made house calls in his flying saucer.

7Massive security presence at Lib Dem conference fails to stop members walking out.

View original

Quote: swerytd @ September 20 2011, 10:29 PM BST

MECHANICAL:
I predicted with 100% accuracy that any conversation between two computers would quickly descend into argument. (BEAT) Oh, yes I did. (PAUSE) Oh, yes I did. (PAUSE) Oh, yes I did. (REPEAT TO FADE)

APP:
I wholeheartedly agree that irresponsible bankers should be struck (CROWD: Yay!) off (CROWD: Boo! SINGLE VOICE: Copout!)

APP:
Political parties are facing a 10k cap for donations, are they? As far as begging goes, that's still some pretty expensive headgear...

CALL CENTRE:
(READING FROM SCRIPT) Hi, I'm Rick. They say: 'the only certainties in life are death and taxes'. Well, now *we're* giving *you* the unique opportunity to consolidate that saying into a single lump sum 'Death Tax'! Hello? Hello? (OFF TO SIDE) It's another ansafone... (CLICK)

FINALLY:
And finally, that was Newsjack in the week David Cameron visited Russia, leaving Nick Clegg in charge of the country for a single day. A day in which oxygen was mistakenly banned, all nouns were erroneously replaced with the name 'Barabbas' and the Bank of England was accidentally sold for magic beans. Who would have thought that it would have worked out so well in the end. The Giant turning out to be the most incredibly astute brain of his generation and, ultimately, the financial saviour of the world. Well done, Nick! RIP.

END

Dan

View original

Quote: sootyj @ September 22 2011, 10:13 AM BST

Hi I like these but are you sure some of them are topical enough?

Also they don't seem to be overkeen on puns and wordplay.

But frankly I think they just print out all the entries and go for which ever one the Newsjack pees on.

View original

To be honest I looked at the news and just couldn't get inspired so I looked back through what I'd written over the last few days and weeks (for my stand up), cobbled a few lines together and sent them off in the hope that Newsjack might be able to do something with them.

A bit like the Liberal manifesto then?

Quote: Tony Cowards @ September 22 2011, 10:35 AM BST

To be honest I looked at the news and just couldn't get inspired so I looked back through what I'd written over the last few days and weeks (for my stand up), cobbled a few lines together and sent them off in the hope that Newsjack might be able to do something with them.

View original

Quote: sootyj @ September 22 2011, 10:43 AM BST

A bit like the Liberal manifesto then?

View original

Best line of the thread! You two should work together for this Newsjack malarkey!

Dan

Here's a selection of my rejects for this week. Excised the ones which were clearly weak so you don't have to read them. Thanks...

INTRO:AHAARRR! Monday was International Talk Like A Pirate Day, and given that pirates are really just highly romanticised robbers, we can't wait until National Talk Like A Looter Day. "Oi! Bruv! Got me a 42 inch plasma and a bag of basmati, innit..."

INTROcarlett Johansson has called in the FBI after naked pictures of her were leaked on the internet. In a similar move, we've called in MI5 to make sure that photos of Michael Winner's wedding night never, ever see the light of day.

APP:It's shocking how one rogue trader can bring down a whole bank, but I just don't understand how bank trading works. NatWest? Got. HSBC? Got. Barclays? Need. UBS? Ah, that one's worthless now. Lloyds TSB? Need...

APP:Geri Halliwell is such a proud mother, she's been telling reporters how her daughter has inherited her voice. If you sign up to give us just £5 per month, we can find a way to protect every man, woman and child in the UK from any future atrocities.

CORRECTION:Newsjack would like to apologise for a spelling mistake that appeared earlier in the show which suggested that UBS Bank has gone into the red as a result of a Rouge Trader.

CORRECTION:A new book alleges that Sarah Palin has been seen snorting cocaine, and Newsjack would like to apologise for any confusion caused when we said we had seen pictures of her surrounded by a mountain of white powder. We were, of course, referring to the photos from her snowboarding holiday in Alaska.

Nothing in this week.

"A biscuit which Sir Ernest Shackleton took to the Antarctic 104 years ago has been sold at auction after some fierce bidding. The eventual winner was one tough cookie. "

Here are my rejects for this week, rather liked the Dalek one, but didn't have enormous amounts of love for the rest...

Jack-apps:

Justinpinions are like doughnuts - people only tend to share them if they're stale. We're in tune with all of your thoughts, fresh or otherwise, thanks to the Jackapp!

DalekIn Monosyllables) Daleks are of indeterminate gender. New plan to conquer the Earth by obtaining Australian passports. Let's emigrate! Let's emigrate!

Confused woman:Why did that guy call some woman '65 000 times'? Bit of an odd insult - my boyfriend sometimes calls me a stupid cow, but I don't go complaining about it to the cops!

Bigot:I can't believe the government is planning to allow gay marriage. PC gone mad, that is, they'll be giving the vote to women next!

Scots woman:I'd be happy if I saw our sun twice a year, never mind two sunsets a night!

Headlines:

Justin:A study released this week suggests that pregnant mothers who eat low-fat yoghurt may increase the chances of their children developing asthma. It also concluded that the children of mothers who eat caviar and smoked salmon are more likely to be bullied.

Corrections:

Justin:Mistakes are like internet passwords, people make the same ones over and over. At Newsjack we prefer to learn from our errors, so here are some corrections:

We were wrong to state that David Attenborough is to replace Michael McIntyre on Britain's Got Talent. He is in fact to front a new documentary about British birds of prey entitled Britain's Got Talons.

Contrary to our earlier report it appears the US military have not banned 'Show and Tell'.

Here's my solitary effort:

At the Lib Dem conference a Blu-ray release of the Downing Street Rose Garden speech has been controversially edited to include Nick Clegg shouting the words 'Nooooo!'.

Quote: ShoePie @ September 22 2011, 5:35 PM BST

Here's my solitary effort:

At the Lib Dem conference a Blu-ray release of the Downing Street Rose Garden speech has been controversially edited to include Nick Clegg shouting the words 'Nooooo!'.

View original

I laughed. I doubt anyone outside a Star Wars DVD forum would though.

Correction:

We would like to apologise to David Cameron and Nicolas Sarkozy following their recent Gaddafi nose-rubbing trip to Benghazi. We now accept that the transitional government did not bestow them with the honouree titles 'Libya Majora' and 'Lybia Minora'