My full set:

JackApps One-liners

(1)A biscuit which Sir Ernest Shackleton took to the Antarctic 104 years ago has been sold at auction after some fierce bidding. The eventual winner was one tough cookie.

(2)Liberal Democrats have come out and said that they want to stop people looking at page three. Is that the page of their manifesto where they say they won't be lying back-stabbing scumbags?

(3)I've just been to see that dreadful film Sarah Jessica Parker has made - I don't know why she did it.

(4)Apparently Britons apologise for someone else's mistakes 8 times a day. I'm sorry but that can't be right.

(5)One Direction have gone straight in at number one - enjoying early success before the reality of their name kicks in...

(6)Michael Winner has got married at 75! Has he got some sort of Deathwish?
Things we've learned this week

(7)The Government's approval rating with female voters has slumped so far that the Tories are now less popular than men's feet, leaving the toilet seat up and Jeremy Clarkson. But on the plus side, for the first time in history there is a real chance that the next Prime Minister might be a lovely fluffy kitten. Ahhh.

Corrections
(8)Newsjack would like to clarify that the Radio One interview with X Factor boy band One Direction which had to be rescheduled was moved because of concerns over the safety of fans, and not because it was well past their bed time.

Also had hopes that if my sketches weren't used these might be scalped as one liners:

Sketch about XFactor wardrobe malfuntion:
Justin: Quite. And I understand you danced for Gary Barlow - but the front of your gown fell down?
Natasha: <<giggle>> Yeah. One minute I was dancing round the stage, and the next a flabby tit popped out... and told me to pull my dress back up.

Intro to trailer for "Tinker Tailor Soldier Idiot"
A good thriller is like Nick Clegg: it draws you into thinking you know how it will go, only later to turn out completely different from what you were lead to believe - but by that stage, not matter how much you want to, it is impossible to put it down.

THE JACK APP

* Would somebody please tell Maroon 5 that I don't want to "move like Jagger", in the same way that I don't want to move like Bill and Ben the Flowerpot men.

* Why is everybody so surprised about Zara Philips' husband behaving unsuitably with another woman? He's a rugby player for crying out loud, he's always playing with hookers.

* I hear they're making a Postman Pat movie. I'm sure it will do well at the box office, unless they lose it of course.

* I think it's disgraceful what's happening on that travellers site in Essex. A drain on the economy and utterly devoid of any cultural effect on British society. But that's Essex for you.

Quote: Tony Cowards @ September 22 2011, 9:40 AM BST

I don't understand what the NHS have got against cervixes, why the smear campaign? (Tony Cowards)

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I liked this one - but is it topical?

Here's my one-liners. They seemed funnier before they were rejected.

CALLER:
I've been using my iPhone to try and find when the next bus is coming, but all it does is tell me about Woody Allen and Rabbi Lionel Blue. Not surprised they've banned this 'Jew or not Jew' app.

FEMALE CALLER:
It's unfair making criminal charges against that woman who rang her boyfriend 65,000 times. I bet he still forgot to pick up milk on his way home.

CALLER:
I agree with the scientists saying laughter is the best medicine - although I think Lee Nelson's just a placebo.

CALLER:
That bloke who accidentally sawed off his own thumb and had to have it replaced with his big toe? I bet he'll make a hell of a hitch-hiker.

CALLER:
The proposed change to the banking rules in 8 years must make bankers feel they've The Sword of Damocles hanging over their heads...or at least that The Sword of Damocles has been ordered on eBay - with the cheaper shipping option - and will be in position over their heads when ParcelForce get round to delivering it in 8 years time.

CALLER:
This call to scrap sell-by dates on food seems a lot of trouble to go to just so they can sell Ernest Shackleton's biscuit.

CORRECTION

JUSTIN:
Last week we mistakenly suggested Donald Rumsfeld came up with the phrase "The War On Terror". In fact Mr Rumsfeld
warned President Bush against it - as the acronym T.W.O.T. might be used as a term of abuse against them. Yes, the world would have been a different place if they'd used his suggestion - "The War Against Terror".

Just two:

The American military has officially ended its "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. That guy from the Village People can finally come out.

Sex allegations involving Silvio Berlusconi continue to grow, with the Italian prime minister allegedly claiming to have slept with eight women in one night. With all that sleeping, it's amazing he finds time for the shagging.

I did nine for the jackapp. All got a no:-

1) Posh woman:Where do we put the Dale Farm travellers? We put them in the same place as the rest of societies rejects, the Big Brother house.

2) George Osborne:Hi its George Osborne, This European financial crisis, it's all Greek to me.

3) Mary Whitehouse:This is Mary Whitehouse and I think its shocking that Kate Winslet won an Emmy for spreading her legs in Mildred Pierce, What next? Ben Dover winning an Oscar? Colonel Gadafi winning a Nobel Peace prize?

4) James MurdochHi, this is James Murdoch from Sky; there is a slight problem with the recordings on your NewsJack app. If you could call me back with your voicemail 4 digit pin code, I can get the problem rectified immediately.

5) Student:It's terrible that they have taken away the EMA.How can I afford a new I-Pad, X-Box and college at the same time?

6) Officer Cadet Hi this is Officer Cadet Ian Thompson, in our recent TV program, I said that Sandhurst is like Hogwarts with guns, they failed to mention that I think Afghanistan is like Disneyland with Missile Launchers and that London is like Belfast with riots.

7) Don Juliani:Hey, this Don Juliani, I expect my country's debt rating to be improved. Anyone who does not comply is safe. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for their families.

8) Shady bloke: Hey, I hear that its costing £18 million to evict those travellers, me and the lads would have done it for a couple of hundred grand, no questions asked.
9) Middle Aged WomanIts my husband's fault that the Times got the size of Greenland wrong, he always used to confuse 6 inches with 3 inches, what chance would he have with anything bigger.

I quite liked the Murdoch one.

Mary Whitehouse? That would be a voicemail message via a seance, then...

Quote: RJ @ September 23 2011, 2:18 PM BST

I quite liked the Murdoch one.

Mary Whitehouse? That would be a voicemail message via a seance, then...

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Cheers, I thought the Murdoch one was the strongest, I thought its subtleness mught have made the cut.

I didn't realise old Mary was dead , I guess it could have been any random old woman complaining

Quote: Frantically @ September 23 2011, 7:15 AM BST

Here's my one-liners. They seemed funnier before they were rejected.

CALLER:
I've been using my iPhone to try and find when the next bus is coming, but all it does is tell me about Woody Allen and Rabbi Lionel Blue. Not surprised they've banned this 'Jew or not Jew' app.

View original

Yours were all ace I shall plaguing my semitic family with this one all weekend

This story from Kafka describes my views on writing for Newsjack

BEFORE THE LAW stands a doorkeeper on guard. To this doorkeeper there comes a man from the country and prays for admittance to the Law. But the doorkeeper says that he cannot grant admittance at the moment. The man thinks it over and then asks if he will be allowed in later. "It is possible," says the doorkeeper, "but not at the moment." Since the gate stands open, as usual, and the doorkeeper steps to one side, the man stoops to peer through the gateway into the interior. Observing that, the doorkeeper laughs and says: "If you are so drawn to it, just try to go in despite my veto. But take note: I am powerful. And I am only the least of the doorkeepers. From hall to hall there is one doorkeeper after another, each more powerful than the last. The third doorkeeper is already so terrible that even I cannot bear to look at him." These are difficulties the man from the country has not expected; the Law, he thinks, should surely be accessible at all times and to everyone, but as he now takes a closer look at the doorkeeper in his fur coat, with his big sharp nose and long, thin, black Tartar beard, he decides that it is better to wait until he gets permission to enter. The doorkeeper gives him a stool and lets him sit down at one side of the door. There he sits for days and years. He makes many attempts to be admitted, and wearies the doorkeeper by his importunity. The doorkeeper frequently has little interviews with him, asking him questions about his home and many other things, but the questions are put indifferently, as great lords put them, and always finish with the statement that he cannot be let in yet. The man, who has furnished himself with many things for his journey, sacrifices all he has, however valuable, to bribe the doorkeeper. The doorkeeper accepts everything, but always with the remark: "I am only taking it to keep you from thinking you have omitted anything." During these many years the man fixes his attention almost continuously on the doorkeeper. He forgets the other doorkeepers, and this first one seems to him the sole obstacle preventing access to the Law. He curses his bad luck, in his early years boldly and loudly; later, as he grows old, he only grumbles to himself. He becomes childish, and since in his yearlong contemplation of the doorkeeper he has come to know even the fleas in his fur collar, he begs the fleas as well to help him and to change the doorkeeper's mind. At length his eyesight begins to fail, and he does not know whether the world is really darker or whether his eyes are only deceiving him. Yet in his darkness, he is now aware of a radiance that streams inextinguishably from the gateway of the Law. Now he has not very long to live. Before he dies, all his experiences in these long years gather themselves in his head to one point, a question he has not yet asked the doorkeeper. He waves him nearer, since he can no longer raise his stiffening body. The doorkeeper has to bend low towards him, for the difference in height between them has altered much to the man's disadvantage. "What do you want to know now?" asks the doorkeeper; "you are insatiable." "Everyone strives to reach the Law," says the man, "so how does it happen that for all these many years no one but myself has ever begged for admittance?" The doorkeeper recognizes that the man has reached his end, and to let his failing senses catch the words, roars in his ear: "No one else could ever be admitted here, since this gate was made only for you. I am now going to shut it."

Quote: sootyj @ September 23 2011, 3:31 PM BST

Yours were all ace I shall plaguing my semitic family with this one all weekend

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Thanks Sooty. It didn't cut any ice with the Newsjack team, but I'm glad you liked 'em.

Quote: Frantically @ September 23 2011, 7:15 AM BST

CALLER:
I agree with the scientists saying laughter is the best medicine - although I think Lee Nelson's just a placebo.

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Clever. Maybe a different target required?

Quote: Big Jack @ September 23 2011, 8:54 PM BST

Clever. Maybe a different target required?

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It's a good point, and one I did take a bit of time over. I originally thought of Michael Macintyre, then I realised I was just being lazy - plus I like Michael Macintyre.

I stuck with Lee Nelson because although I know lots of people like him, he's not my cup of tea.

- What a letdown those NASA photos were; the only time I've ever been as disappointed to see two suns on one planet was when the Millibands entered politics.

- I saw the interview with that saline case nurse and she had no personality. What a drip!

- I sympathise with celebrities having their private photos leaked I mean someone posted a picture of me shaking hands with Nick Clegg on Facebook; I've never been so embarrassed.

- I'd just like to register my disgust at the diaries of Winston Churchill's daughter; if he was alive to see what she wrote he would have said (AS CHURCHILL INSURANCE DOG) 'oh no, no, no, no, no!'

- Chris Huhne telling us we're lazy with our energy bills, well we've already got two for one on leaders so now Chris Huhne can BOGOF too!

- The cheek of that Chris Huhne saying we're lazy shopping for energy suppliers, I'd like to get 100% off his input!

- (OUT OF BREATH) Hello, I have been lost deep in the German woods for I don't know how long and I still haven't found the elusive Black Forest Gateau. I may need help, please send Sara Lee.

- I'll be sad to see Michael McIntyre leave Britain's Got Talent but I see he wants to tour again and maybe perform his act in his hometown, China.

Hi, Big Jack - 4 and 7 I really liked and the two skextracts (see what I did there?) were very good. The 'flabby tit' one particularly. That Nick Clegg comparison too is very much the kind of thing they use normally.

Quote: spiggle @ September 23 2011, 2:11 PM BST

2) George Osborne:Hi its George Osborne, This European financial crisis, it's all Greek to me.

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Liked this one the most, as it's succinct. Doesn't need the 'Hi, I'm George!' though. The gag stands up on its own.