Here are mine - the Tottenham/Media Studies was re-jigged and used in the show as a jackapp, others didn't feature....

Embarrassment for the Bedfordshire Police after the 15 "slaves" rescued from squalid conditions at a caravan park turned out to be nurses ending their shifts at a flagship NHS Trust.

David Walliams has raised over £1m for Sport Relief. In a statement Comic Relief stood by their policy that he was not eligible to raise money as a comic after writing and starring in Little Britain USA.

87 year old Doris Day has become the oldest woman to have an Album in the UK Top 10, beating the current record holder, Madonna, by just two months.

Princess Beatrice graduated from University with a 2:1 this week. We were hoping for a comment from the Duke of York however we had to withdraw after Fergie demanded a hot meal and a compliment for access.

Nick Clegg has revisited a Tottenham businessman said to be devastated after learning that the £9,000 looted from his shop had been squandered on a Media Studies Degree.

1,4 and 5 are aces.

Quote: sootyj @ September 15 2011, 11:38 PM BST

First 2 not so hot, they won't do a paedo joke from a non-com and second one is just a sort of poo joke.

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Poo jokes are where it's at baby.

Yeh but there's poo and then there's poo.

Here's the best of my pile of dross, as I like to call it these days..

(1) Nathan Hageman wins £1M by just choosing between black and red. Ironically, the victim of his assault, for which he received a 5-year prison sentence, had no such choice and had to take both black and blue.

(2) 1 in 4 rail ticket offices set to close, bringing about the loss of 1,000 jobs. ATOC have commented, 'On the plus side, there will be 1,000 more seats available at peak-times, on the overcrowded trains'.

(3) Tesco Director, Stuart Chambers, saved 11 people from a sinking ship in the Ionian sea. The remaining 19 passengers, who didn't have their clubcards available, were left to wait for additional rescuers to arrive.

(4) A think tank has suggested that police officers should wear uniforms on their way to and from work to increase police visibility. If the trial proves successful it will be extended later in the year, where officers will begin to leave their tunics covering snowmen overnight.

(5) Following the initiative by Scottish ministers to create a single police force in Scotland, the government are keen to create a similar set-up in England. After the current cuts in services take place, the single police force will consist of 18 officers and be centrally located in Birmingham.

(6) With car insurance premiums rising by 40% over the last 12 months, it has increased the average saving to £2,000 for young drivers who cannot afford to buy any.

(7) Scientists have claimed that an iPad memory test could delay the onset of Alzheimer's and save 30,000 lives a year. A spokesperson for the BMA commented that it was a wonderful breakthrough and also felt that if Doctors had the use of an iPhone, an X Box 360 and Sky HD, many more lives could be saved.

(8) The Labour MP for Middlesbrough, Sir Stuart Bell, has been dubbed the 'invisible man' for ignoring months of telephone calls. He hasn't held a surgery since 1997. Last night he angrily denied he was out of touch and said he had the full support of Tony Blair and John Prescott.

(9) Former Lib Dem leader Charles Kennedy has insisted his party went the 'extra mile' to check out donor Michael Brown, who has been convicted of stealing £36M and is currently on the run from police, before accepting money from him. This included a full body 'pat down' and screening for electronic recording equipment.

After reviewing them, they all seem a tad long and should have really been trimmed more, before I put them in the recycle bin.

PB - I didn't really get most of them - but 10 made me laugh ;-)

You are right about trimming. Trim, make them more snappy and concentrate on the joke.

Only managed two one-liners this week, both of them shite . . .

1) JUSTIN:Researchers working on Nautilus - the supercomputer which successfully predicted the revolution in Egypt, Bin Laden's hiding place and Anton du Beke's 'Strictly' dancing partner - have backtracked from earlier claims that the computer forecast more unrest in the capital. They now believe that when it blurted out 'I Predict A Riot' it was actually having an unscheduled Spotify break. And researchers say they don't know what else Nautilus has been doing when it should be solving complex algorithms as it's cleared its History folder.

2) VOICE OVER:LooseJack - sponsored by Sprained, Skint and Stinker, specialists in personal injury claims, logbook loans and feminine hygiene products since 2010.

@Humberfloob.
For what it's worth (i.e. nothing, as I'm clueless), Number 1 made me laugh out loud, but I think you should have cut it at "Spotify break". I.m.o. the extra line only serves to soften the punch of the Spotify joke. Also(if you'll allow me to regurgitate the advice that most people have given me on here, in a vain attempt to make myself look knowledgeable) it's quite long and wordy, it could do with a bit of cropping and tightening up, just to give it that extra punch(I struggle with this alot as well).

I hope that was helpful.

Or perhaps I should just go f**k myself.

Quote: Lazarus Goldfinger @ September 17 2011, 10:24 PM BST

@Humberfloob.
For what it's worth (i.e. nothing, as I'm clueless), Number 1 made me laugh out loud, but I think you should have cut it at "Spotify break". I.m.o. the extra line only serves to soften the punch of the Spotify joke. Also(if you'll allow me to regurgitate the advice that most people have given me on here, in a vain attempt to make myself look knowledgeable) it's quite long and wordy, it could do with a bit of cropping and tightening up, just to give it that extra punch(I struggle with this alot as well).

I hope that was helpful.

Or perhaps I should just go f**k myself.

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Thanks Lazarus, you're right it was too long. And wordy. (I did actually wrestle with it to get to that length!) And I agree with cutting the last line although it has to be said if they'd have liked it enough up to that point they could have trimmed it themselves, so I think it just wasn't a strong enough gag.

And please don't f@@@k yourself

Look at mine and Sooty's in the first two posts.

There's two dozen one liners there - which by and large are "one line".

And then remind yourself that none of them got on the show anyway...

Never mind try again fail again fail better

Beckett

My beautifully shite attempts:

Nigel Kelly Newsjack Week 1: One Liners Email: nigkelly@yahoo.co.uk

MAN:
Well I think that we've reached tipping point... with the use of the phrase tipping point.

YOUNG MAN:
That Jedward pair are well weird. They're like the offspring of an albino woman and Don King.

OLD WOMAN:
I was watching the end credits of EastEnders and up pops David Walliams swimming in The Thames.

MAN:
So Colonel Gadaffi is still unlawfully at large... this will devastate Syd Little.

MAN:
I'm not a betting man but the chances of Gadaffi still being in Libya? I'd say it's a dead Sirte.

OLD WOMAN:
All these pristine older women on Strictly Come Dancing? What a load of botox!

MAN:
I'm assuming that a computer that predicts the future will be manufactured by Oracle.

MAN:
So Simon Cowell is a fan of Bullseye? "Keep out of the black and into the red, you get nothing in this game for two in a bed."

Stuff I love so far...

Quote: Big Jack @ September 15 2011, 11:09 PM BST

(3)The sentences given out for looting were too harsh. I broke into the filofax department at WH Smith's and got 5 years.

(12)When swimming the Thames the back stroke is quite useful, but you might also just use the traditional fingers down the throat.

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Win! (3) made me laugh out loud.

Quote: Kevin Mears @ September 16 2011, 8:45 AM BST

* I can't see The Amy Winehouse Foundation being that successful. Her music was great but will people really want to buy her cosmetics?

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I really liked this one, I can see this being a Jimmy Carr-type joke, but interesting to note sootyj's point that it may be in poor taste for Newsjack. If you look at the programme info on the 4 Extra site, it says they'll be taking a tasteful look at the week's news..." Don't remember them saying that before? Not that the show had that many moments of borderline tastelessness before, but perhaps the switch to Radio 4 Extra has made them a little more cautious?

Quote: comedyoflife @ September 16 2011, 9:49 AM BST

87 year old Doris Day has become the oldest woman to have an Album in the UK Top 10, beating the current record holder, Madonna, by just two months.

Nick Clegg has revisited a Tottenham businessman said to be devastated after learning that the £9,000 looted from his shop had been squandered on a Media Studies Degree.

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Another laugh out loud moment when I read the Doris Day/Madonna line.

Quote: Park Bench @ September 16 2011, 6:41 PM BST

(8) The Labour MP for Middlesbrough, Sir Stuart Bell, has been dubbed the 'invisible man' for ignoring months of telephone calls. He hasn't held a surgery since 1997. Last night he angrily denied he was out of touch and said he had the full support of Tony Blair and John Prescott.

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I liked this one, I think 'cos it feels like the kind of line I'd write myself.

Quote: Nigel Kelly @ September 17 2011, 11:51 PM BST

MAN:
So Colonel Gadaffi is still unlawfully at large... this will devastate Syd Little.

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Brilliant!

Here are my rejects. The Walliams -> Effluent -> Name of Walliams TV Show was clearly a popular template...

INTRO:In a move to combat rural crime, Dorset Police have unveiled an official police tractor. Well, they had to do something, scythe crime is at an all time high, and during the recent civil unrest they had to enlist the help of Riot Farmers, equipped with carrot batons and watering cans. Prison overcrowding is also a major problem with farm related crimes, as one cell always has to lie fallow.

INTRO:Tory peer Lord Hanningfield, who was jailed for fiddling parliamentary expenses, has been released from prison after serving just nine weeks of his sentence, although we understand that he did claim for the full nine months.

INTRO:A Plymouth University professor is about to spend 48 hours sealed in an airtight box with plants as his only source of oxygen, to see if plants really could keep a person alive. As a control experiment, I'm going round to the Big Brother House with a truck full of weed killer before I seal up the doors and windows with gaffa tape.

APP:I hope Boris Johnson makes good on his plan to introduce electric taxis to London. If they run off of AC power where the electric current flows in two alternate directions, does this mean that taxis will now finally go south of the river as well as north?

APP:Well done to David Walliams for swimming the entire length of the River
Thames while suffering from nausea, vomiting and diarrhoea. Still, it must have given him a bit of insight into how the viewers of Come Fly With Me felt.

APP:Hello, this is John Galliano. I don't care if the court has just found me guilty of racist abuse, I am not a racist! Some of my best friends are David Starkey.

APPimon Cowell has been having three in a bed sex romps?! And I thought it was only good things that came in threes...

APPimon Cowell says he's been having three in a bed sex romps?! I don't believe anyone would do that with him, he must be getting confused because he owns two bedside mirrors.

APP:I approve of the decision to allow adult internet sites to use the new .XXX domain, and it proves that they're not all hardcore, it's quite sweet that they're signed with three kisses.

APP:An important part of a policeman's job is that sometimes they have to deal with members of the public who are incoherent and babbling senselessly. I suppose that's why they got Boris Johnson to interview the candidates for the Metropolitan Police Commissioner's job.

APP:Hello, this is George Osborne, I'm doing my maths homework and I could use a bit of help, here's the problem: If an escort is £300 per hour, and cocaine is £200 per bag, then how many times do I have to repeat my denials?

APP:I'm surprised that there's a call to allow catholic priests to marry, I always thought the ones they were really into weren't old enough to get married.

CORRECTION:Following Boris Johnson's pledge to make all London Taxis run off of electricity, Newsjack would like to apologise for suggesting that while the power for the taxi would be provided by EDF, the opinions of the taxi driver would be provided by the EDL. The electricity will actually be provided by E.ON.

CORRECTION:Following our report about the disruption caused to the north of England by Hurricane Katia, Newsjack would like to clarify that rail services were not affected at all, and as such are still subject to severe delays.

Here's a couple of topical one liners that I've used in my routine that are old hat now.

1) I was going to come out here and do a 5 minute routine on the news of the world but, I just couldn't hack it.

2)Police want to question Murdoch over the recent hacking scandal but, what about the rest of the A team?

3)I'm ashamed to say that my best friend was involved in the riots. I came home from work during the riots to find him throwing a brick through the computer screen. I said " what the hell are you doing?" He said; "trying to loot dixons online."

4)four men trapped in mine. Locksmith has been called.

Thanks,

Jason.

Oooooh, I can't wait for the no email on Thursday - got some real stinkers to share on here.