Quote: 3songsnoflash @ October 6 2011, 1:25 AM BSTAPP:
Everyone's been raving about that thing on the telly with all the dinosaurs. I didn't see what all the fuss was about, it was just like any other Tory Party Conference.APP:
The new 80mph speed limit proves that this experiment with average speed cameras hasn't worked, it's time to start using the pretty good speed cameras.
Best two for me.
Dan
THE JACK APP
Lee Evans show at the O2 cancelled? Water main problem? I would say the main problem is him ripping off Norman Wisdom.
Apparently they're going to be taxing Lego in Denmark next. I don't know what to make of that.
Apparently they're going to be taxing the porn industry in Denmark next. They'll be taking on all comers.
I hope they don't get rid of GMT. If they want to get rid of a defective line that runs through London how about the Northern line?
It's a good job Kim Jong Ill's grandson isn't on Twitter. As the Korean conflict proves, North Koreans don't know the meaning of retweet.
CORRECTIONS
Last week we reported that Dappy from N-Dubz was to perform on the Songs of Praise Anniversary special. This proved to be incorrect, as were rumours of his version of "Oh Holy Na-Na-Night".
I was watching Lulu on Strictly Come Dancing and she looked like the cat that got the cream...injected in its face.
I hope we don't bring in a fatty food tax like Denmark; my kids' lunchboxes will bankrupt me.
I was listening to the Universities and science minister waffle on at the Tory Conference and I thought 'what you talking about Willetts?!'.
Terry Jones having a baby at 69; shows the python's still working! (SNIGGERS)
Apparently, size does matter for voles in the trouser department; I already knew because I've seen 'Wind in the Willies', a very educational internet film.
Apparently, size does matter for voles, unfortunately I'm not a vole, even then I might be struggling. (SOBS)
(LITTLE OLD LADY) It's sad to hear book shops are in decline; I mean where am I going to have my afternoon nap now?
(RUDE GIRL) I don't really care book shops are closing, it doesn't affect me cos my degree is colouring in.
Liz Hurley is to marry cricketer Shane Warne, he's finally prepared to go the whole 22 yards.
I see some study says pale people need to take vitamin D pills; I wish they'd told me sooner I've had to dress like a cowboy to pass off my rickets.
(LITTLE OLD LADY) What a prude that Len Goodman is complaining about the female dancers' dresses; I just wish the men would wear more revealing trousers.
(INTRO) Welcome to Newsjack. The show that picks the ball up at the halfway line, heads towards goal and celebrates only to realise this is a topical radio show and we're not meant to be playing football.
(JUSTIN LINE) Last week a major BT Broadband failure caused frustration for millions but not quite as much as watching Downton Abbey without sky plus.
(CORRECTION) We apologise for stating in last week's show that Silvio Berlusconi had hair plugs from 15 action men, we actually meant 8 'tickle me Elmos'.
Poet Laureate Carol Anne Duffy says she is still waiting on a pair of football boots promised to her by David Beckham, after she wrote a poem about him in 2010. David has asserted he will keep his promise, as agreed, once he finishes reading the poem.
The Bank of England has announced that the new style £50 note will be introduced on the 2nd November. The note will feature a range of enhanced security features. The main one being it is practically worthless.
The minimum wage for adults has been increased by 15p to £6.08, or in today's terms, the equivalent of 3 plastic carrier bags.
The Chinese space programme was dealt a devastating blow last week during its first unmanned rocket launch, when at a height of 20,000 feet, the rocket failed to explode and deliver a much-anticipated shower of multi-coloured sparks.
For the first time, English judges have been asked to rule on 'the right to die' of a patient not in a permanent vegetative state. A judiciary spokesman commented 'whilst the smallest hope of recovery remained, we felt the Lib-Dem manifesto deserved the chance to live.'
Publication of Boris Johnson's biography has revealed that weekly meetings with parliamentary staff to generate ideas for his newspaper column had descended into a game of 'suggesting career shortening themes'. Unfortunately, everyone neglected to tell Mr Johnson.
A Glaswegian grandmother awoke from a stroke finding she had developed 'Foreign Accent Syndrome'. After 3 days of observation by a professor of rare dialects, it was discovered she was actually talking Scottish.
Mathematician's favourite Carol Vorderman has revealed that since being single for the first time in 30 years she is having the time of her life. So much so, she can turn up at 12.30 everyday to talk about inoffensive tat on 'Loose Women', with other 'extremely busy' celebrities who are also 'having the time of their lives'. Just not at lunchtimes...
Investigators are cracking down on the multi-million pound trade in fake and useless medicines. It is not yet clear whether cough and cold remedies will be targeted first.
Home Secretary, Theresa May, has told the Sunday Telegraph that she would like to see the Human Rights Act scrapped. The amount of red tape it generates for the Home Office, makes everyday tasks almost impossible. Such as fingernail removal, waterboarding and beating with a blunt instrument.
BT suffered a power failure at a major exchange in Birmingham this week, bringing their broadband service to a standstill. The majority of their customers didn't notice any change in the service provided, and a small percentage noted an improvement.
The UK has pledged £50M towards spin-off technologies of the super strong material 'Graphene'. Its inventors say it has many practical uses but even it may struggle to strengthen Lib-Dem election promises, the global economy or confidence in anything said by Eric Pickles.
Art collectors were set to bid up to £60,000 for a canvas, thought to be the work of Bob Law, which was completely blank except for the date. The item was later withdrawn from sale, after it was discovered that it was actually a page from the Home Secretary's missing diary.
And finally, a welcome message I sent in last week...
Hello, I'm Justin Edwards and welcome to Newsjack on BBC Radio 4 Extra. If Radio 4 is a three-course gourmet meal, then 4 extra is a greasy quarter pounder with double gherkin, no cheese and a sarcastic 'sorry about your wait' after taste.
Guess I need to try even harder.
Enjoyed these ones.
Quote: Corey O'Graffor @ October 6 2011, 5:40 PM BSTI was watching Lulu on Strictly Come Dancing and she looked like the cat that got the cream...injected in its face.
I see some study says pale people need to take vitamin D pills; I wish they'd told me sooner I've had to dress like a cowboy to pass off my rickets.
Quote: Park Bench @ October 6 2011, 6:17 PM BSTThe Chinese space programme was dealt a devastating blow last week during its first unmanned rocket launch, when at a height of 20,000 feet, the rocket failed to explode and deliver a much-anticipated shower of multi-coloured sparks.
Home Secretary, Theresa May, has told the Sunday Telegraph that she would like to see the Human Rights Act scrapped. The amount of red tape it generates for the Home Office, makes everyday tasks almost impossible. Such as fingernail removal, waterboarding and beating with a blunt instrument.
BT suffered a power failure at a major exchange in Birmingham this week, bringing their broadband service to a standstill. The majority of their customers didn't notice any change in the service provided, and a small percentage noted an improvement.
'The new 80mph speed limit proves that this experiment with average speed cameras hasn't worked, it's time to start using the pretty good speed cameras.'
I agree - the pick of the rejects this week.
'Poet Laureate Carol Anne Duffy says she is still waiting on a pair of football boots promised to her by David Beckham, after she wrote a poem about him in 2010. David has asserted he will keep his promise, as agreed, once he finishes reading the poem.'
Could maybe be snappier and reworded to fit a jackapp/vox-pop, but it's a brilliant joke.
'I was listening to the Universities and science minister waffle on at the Tory Conference and I thought 'what you talking about Willetts?!'
I like this one. Reckon it would have got a hell of a laugh in the studio too.
My losers:
CALLER:If Andy Burnham thinks Labour didn't do enough for people not going to university he must love the current government. They've done more to help people not go to university than any in history.
CALLER:It's disgraceful that most 6-year olds can only speak in badly-formed one-syllable sentences. I was shocked by the Sun headline "Skool Rot Means Tots Not Talk Hot."
CALLER:It's incredible that postmen in Kabul can deliver mail when there are barely any street-names or house-numbers. On the other hand, if the Royal Mail's taught us anything it's that street-names and house-numbers don't always help.
CALLER:I don't like the idea of these massive computer systems that mean cities will be able to talk to other cities. I live in Hemel Hempstead and I'm worried they'll all arrange parties...and we won't get invited.
CALLER
eople are saying Theresa May sounded the death knell for the Human Rights Act when she said she wanted to scrap it. Rubbish - Nick Clegg did that when he said the Act was here too stay.
CALLER:The Chief Medical Officer said people are playing Russian Roulette with the flu virus - which is not only foolish, it'd make for a very boring remake of "The Deer Hunter"!
CALLER:It's not accurate to say that Banksy's street-art has been spray-painted over by vandals. They prefer to be called street art-critics.
Quote: Frantically @ October 6 2011, 9:25 PM BST'The new 80mph speed limit proves that this experiment with average speed cameras hasn't worked, it's time to start using the pretty good speed cameras.'
I agree - the pick of the rejects this week.
Very unlucky not to be chosen. Hugh Dennis just said pretty much the same joke on MTW!
Quote: Park Bench @ October 6 2011, 6:17 PM BSTThe minimum wage for adults has been increased by 15p to £6.08, or in today's terms, the equivalent of 3 plastic carrier bags.
Aha! This was your near miss. Shame, it got a good laugh at the recording.
Here's my near miss:
APP:
We hear a lot of buzzwords these days like Brand Recognition, Brand Awareness and Brand Loyalty, but it didn't help Katy Perry's husband get through Canadian Passport Control, did it?
They snipped Brand Loyalty and tightened up the line in the recording, but it was pretty similar. Didn't get a huge laugh, but I think it's one of those lines that's more Clever Funny than Funny HaHa...
And Cheers for all the nice words about my Pretty Good speed cameras line, I nearly didn't send it because I thought it wasn't strong enough.
1 I hear Dutch cities are banning tourists from drug cafes.
A ringmaster at the Amsterdam circus was arrested for shouting "roll up roll up".
2 Greece is in so much debt, the world bank has downgraded it to margarine
3Greece is in so much debt, that when their president mentioned big issues at the EU, he was actually trying to sell one.
4 I hear Ian Duncan Smith is fighting benefit tourism.
5 Birmingham's Head of Tourism has objected, stating "it's hard enough to get people to visit here with a massive bribe!"
6 Chris Woodhead wants the school leaving age reduced to 14,
Brilliant idea provided the they're thin enough to fit up a chimney.
7 "It's a disgrace that ITV used computer games footage in a programme about Libya. They have at least cancelled the NHS cost hikes documentary featuring a giant yellow head eating all the pills"
8 "The Isle of White is trying to sell a historical toilet to raise funds. An early bid has come in from George Michael but the signs are he's keen on taking the pee."
9 "I see travellers are threatening to park in the giant car parks in out of town shopping centres. Or we could just give them Milton Keynes."
10 "Senior police officer Ali Dezai returned to work and was immediately suspended. He saw himself in the mirror and refused to cooperate in a mandatory stop and search."
11 "I see ITV have had their hands slapped for using computer game footage in a documentary on Libya and the IRA. I can't see what the problem is. Coronation Street have been using footage from Resident Evil for years."
12 "David Cameron has been accused of using the new tax credit to encourage working women to stay at home. It's a massive failure for him as PM. Mainly because Anne Widdecombe and Teresa May have missed the hint."
13 "Travellers threatening to park in the giant car parks in out of town shopping centres? Can't we just give them Milton Keynes?"
Quote: Frantically @ October 6 2011, 9:25 PM BSTMy losers:
CALLER:If Andy Burnham thinks Labour didn't do enough for people not going to university he must love the current government. They've done more to help people not go to university than any in history.
CALLER:It's not accurate to say that Banksy's street-art has been spray-painted over by vandals. They prefer to be called street art-critics.
A nice selection, liked the above two in particular.
My rejects for the week:
Jack-apps:
Justin
pinions are like surnames, there's no harm in changing yours if it stops you from being a Pratt. We have access to every thought you want to share thanks to the JackApp:
Woman: So same-sex couples are going to be able to be called 'Parent 1' and 'Parent 2' on their children's passports. Fine, but as 'Parent 17' I need to know when polygamists are going to be recognised!
- We knew that illegal immigrant wasn't allowed to stay just because of having a pet cat. Theresa May should stop retrieving her anecdotes from wheelie-bins.
Man:Men may be more prone to diabetes than women, but women are more likely to listen to Cliff Richard, so I'd call that a fair trade-off.
- Kim Jong-il's grandson unfriended me on facebook when I praised his granddad's performance in the film Team America. It was like being kicked out of the Matt Damon fan club all over again!
Headlines:
Justin: Like music stores before them, the dwindling number of high street book stores has been put down to increased digital sales. Strangely, this didn't affect high street jewellers in the 80s when digital watches were all the rage.
- Songs of Praise celebrated it's 50th anniversary last weekend. Despite declining church attendance levels the programme has maintained a loyal audience, which is more than can be said for unsuccessful spin-off, Blood Sacrifices of Devil-Worship, which was cancelled midway through it's first episode.
Correction:We were wrong to say that Labour had won the 2015 general election; we will no longer source our news from the Daily Mail website.
Quote: Kevin Mears @ October 6 2011, 5:25 PM BSTIt's a good job Kim Jong Ill's grandson isn't on Twitter. As the Korean conflict proves, North Koreans don't know the meaning of retweet.
Needs to be worded better, but I think this is clever. And probably racist.
Quote: Corey O'Graffor @ October 6 2011, 5:40 PM BSTI was watching Lulu on Strictly Come Dancing and she looked like the cat that got the cream...injected in its face.
Ace! 
Quote: Corey O'Graffor @ October 6 2011, 5:40 PM BST(INTRO) Welcome to Newsjack. The show that picks the ball up at the halfway line, heads towards goal and celebrates only to realise this is a topical radio show and we're not meant to be playing football.
(JUSTIN LINE) Last week a major BT Broadband failure caused frustration for millions but not quite as much as watching Downton Abbey without sky plus.
Liked these. Not ace, but solid.
Quote: Park Bench @ October 6 2011, 6:17 PM BSTThe Bank of England has announced that the new style £50 note will be introduced on the 2nd November. The note will feature a range of enhanced security features. The main one being it is practically worthless.
Good.
Quote: 3songsnoflash @ October 6 2011, 11:30 PM BSTAPP:
We hear a lot of buzzwords these days like Brand Recognition, Brand Awareness and Brand Loyalty, but it didn't help Katy Perry's husband get through Canadian Passport Control, did it?
Yeah, there's a clever idea in there, but it's just not got that 'zing'. Well done on getting to the recording though!
Quote: sootyj @ October 6 2011, 11:39 PM BSTGreece is in so much debt, the world bank has downgraded it to margarine
Greece is in so much debt, that when their president mentioned big issues at the EU, he was actually trying to sell one.
Chris Woodhead wants the school leaving age reduced to 14, Brilliant idea provided the they're thin enough to fit up a chimney.
"It's a disgrace that ITV used computer games footage in a programme about Libya. They have at least cancelled the NHS cost hikes documentary featuring a giant yellow head eating all the pills"
"Travellers threatening to park in the giant car parks in out of town shopping centres? Can't we just give them Milton Keynes?"
All very good. Milton Keynes one used but as a correction.
Quote: radiat10n @ October 7 2011, 11:31 AM BSTJustin
- Songs of Praise celebrated it's 50th anniversary last weekend. Despite declining church attendance levels the programme has maintained a loyal audience, which is more than can be said for unsuccessful spin-off, Blood Sacrifices of Devil-Worship, which was cancelled midway through it's first episode.
Very strong.
My unenviable failure-rate for one-liners continues below:
OPINIONS:
Opinions are like suppositories: most of the time, you'll get told to shove them up your arse but, once in a while, you'll find someone who accidentally swallows one. Newsjack's opinion defecator is called the JackApp.
APP:
I see Katie Price and her boyfriend have split up due to the language barrier. I guess after two weeks of learning English, he was so far advanced that she couldn't understand a word he was saying...
APP:
I'm not at all impressed by iPhone 5. The plot is exactly the same as iPhone 3!
APP:
I see UBS will make a modest profit this year despite that unauthorised trading. At least, they've changed their procedures: they've certainly never been modest before.
APP:
I'm not surprised using 3D in the classroom improves test results. By definition, it provides a more rounded education.
BOFFIN:
I discover the universe is expanding, I win a Nobel prize. I discover my waistline is expanding, my wife beats me with a stick and takes away my crisps!
CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise to artist Bob Law, whose work we claimed was counterfeited billions of times after he created his 'Blank Canvas' piece. We of course meant it was copied billions of time *before*.
CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise to Tesco and are happy to correct that they did not, in fact, call in the police to deal with Manchester United goalkeeper David de Gea. Losing one doughnut is a mistake, losing five bags is just careless...
Dan
My rejected babies...
1. Ralph Steinman, one of this year's winner of the Nobel Prize for chemistry is to keep the honour despite dying just before being notified. Other contenders accepted the situation gracefully acknowledging it was pretty stiff competition.
2. The information superhighway was more of a no through road for some BT customers who lost access at times on Tuesday. Industry observers were surprised some customers received a rare apology from BT, asking "You got an Ology?!"
3. Does council tax being frozen mean more lollipop ladies?
4. Warwickshire County Council admitted to five planned library closures on Monday, something it was hoping to keep quiet.
5. At the European Court of Justice, a landlady has defended her rights to broadcast the Premier League using a foreign TV decoder. She explained questioning by lawyers had not fazed her as she often handled arguments at the bar.
6. The trial continues of Michael Jackson's doctor. Jurors were told that after receiving sedatives at home, Jackson was later taken to hospital but was dead on arrival. Reportedly he was pale, skeleton-like and ghostly.. before taking the drugs which may have killed him.
7. Despite opposition, a new coal-fired power station in Ayrshire has been given the go ahead. Asked how it would source the coal, Ayrshire Power said it was a miner issue.
8. A petition to the Welsh government asks for sun cream to be given free to school children. Should they fail, the organisers will move on to request snow shoes for Somalians.
Quote: swerytd @ October 7 2011, 11:35 AM BSTMy unenviable failure-rate for one-liners continues below:
OPINIONS:
Opinions are like suppositories: most of the time, you'll get told to shove them up your arse but, once in a while, you'll find someone who accidentally swallows one. Newsjack's opinion defecator is called the JackApp.APP:
I see Katie Price and her boyfriend have split up due to the language barrier. I guess after two weeks of learning English, he was so far advanced that she couldn't understand a word he was saying...APP:
I'm not at all impressed by iPhone 5. The plot is exactly the same as iPhone 3!APP:
I see UBS will make a modest profit this year despite that unauthorised trading. At least, they've changed their procedures: they've certainly never been modest before.APP:
I'm not surprised using 3D in the classroom improves test results. By definition, it provides a more rounded education.
Liked all of these, laughed at the first 3, groaned at the others (but groaning is good, as far as I'm concerned!)
Ta. Yeah, the 3D one I did think was particularly groan-y. My iPhone 5 one was massively hindered by them announcing the 4GS. Just another in a long line of reasons to continue hating Apple for all it's worth.
Dan
Quote: swerytd @ October 7 2011, 11:59 AM BSTTa. Yeah, the 3D one I did think was particularly groan-y. My iPhone 5 one was massively hindered by them announcing the 4GS. Just another in a long line of reasons to continue hating Apple for all it's worth.
Dan
Yeah, not to mention that they used the thing as their intro for the Jackapps, instead of one (of at least two) fine 'opinions are like' intro options! 
