These are a few of my rejected submissions this week...

1. With BlackBerry phones' messaging service failing miserably, Newsjack has been asked to announce that the Penge branch of Yobs Against Shops will now meet next Wednesday in the church hall, followed by bingo and a guest speaker on the subject, "My Favourite Hoodie".

2. 2011: The year Radio 4 Long Wave broadcasts abruptly stopped when engineers located new valves to run the Droitwich transmitter - but couldn't find any shillings for the meter.

3. Big Ben is leaning, we learned this week. Soon we'll have a Palace of North-North-Westminster?

4. Glamour model Katie Price was addressing the Oxford Union this week. So after Boris Johnson and Cherie Blair, that's another pair of big tits in the student spotlight.

Needed a bit more tweaking on the flow - or I'm just not that funny.

JackApps One-liners

(1)I see The X Factor as the best opportunity for me to get my really big break - speaking as someone who sells advertising space.

(2)[out of breath] My preparation for the Olympics is going really well - I've swum a mile, cycled 15 miles and finished with a 5 mile run. Triathlon? No - that'll be what I need to do to get in to work by 9.

(3)Hello, Fox here. I made a mistake, but I can assure you that at no time was there a breach of the nation's security against the Gruffalo.

(4)I don't know why the NHS are considering paying funeral expenses for organ donors - it'll cost them an arm and a leg.

(5)It's a disgrace that Jason Donovan has been having dancing lessons before he appeared on Strictly Come Dancing - next we'll be hearing that contestants on University Challenge secretly went to school.

(6)That's typical how slow things work in Parliament. It's taken 400 hundred years since Guy Fawkes planted his bomb before Big Ben finally starts falling over!

Corrections

(7)Newsjack would like to apologise for unnecessarily worrying listeners with our earlier report about a megavirus which had been found in the ocean near Chile - on later examination it was found to be just a Trojan seahorse.

(8)Newsjack is happy to correct the error in our earlier feature on remembering all Six Wives. We should have given "Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, left to join The Bill." as the traditional way you memorise the Six Wives of Ian Beale.

(9)Politics. We would like to apologise for our reporting of a rowdy day at the Dispatch Box where Chancellor George Osborne rejected claims that he is incompetent, does not understand the economy and has no clue how to rescue it. We can confirm that he then and sat back down on his elbow and did nothing.

(10)We would like to apologies for errors in our subtitles which turned "Ed Miliband" into "Ed Miller Band", and we would also like to reassure listeners that "Yvette Balls" certainly didn't do what our later similar error suggested.

Newsfox

(11)Welcome to NewsFox. Taking your flatmate along - but not in that way.

Things we've learned this week

(12)Never lend your flatmate your keys.

And finally...

(13)This episode was first broadcast in October 2011, when David Cameron stated he supported same sex marriage while in an absolutely, utterly and completely unrelated story news broke of the scandal surrounding Liam Fox and his Best Man.

1 A new version of Dale Carnegie's seminal 'How to make friends and influence' people has been released

Publishers have great hopes for "how to make a 1000 face book friends and influence no one"

2 We apologies for accusing Eric Pickles of planning reckless tax increases.

We were in fact featuring a debate on how fat taxes cause misery.

3 PUT UPON COMMUTER

Ever since Truda Styla edited the Big Issue

The local tramps are demanding "spare some change for a second home in Tuscanny and a bottle of organic cider"

4 So scientific research has revealed we Brits are in fact not getting any ruder.

I could have told the stupid arse holes that.

5 No I don't think bankers should have Christmas parties at the memorial for merchant sailors who died at sea.

I think the bankers should dance on their graves

6 The Italian economy has been downgraded from AAA to A.

Or as the Italian chancellor described it.

A, A, A to Aaaayyyyy (SAD SOUNDING ITALIAN ACCENT)

7 The mass resignation of Israeli Dr over funding issues.

Has lead to a crisis ...for nice young, single, Jewish girls.

8 The Scottish man arrested for murdering a man in a row over a chocolate bar surrendered to the police.

After finding a bounty on his head.

9 As a special Birthday treat for Desmond Tutu's 80th Bono and Sting will play a concert on Robin Island.

Followed by the sinking of the only ferry to the mainland.

10 CHAVVY ACCENT

I'm bloody disgusted at that 18 minimum age for sunbeds in California.

You can't make a girl wait till her 3rd pregnancy to use a sunbed

Sooty - some good ones - but need to be a bit snapppier (I know same applies to mine).

Liked these two immensely:

"7 The mass resignation of Israeli doctors over funding issues has lead to a crisis ...for nice young, single, Jewish girls.

8 The Scottish man arrested for murdering a man in a row over a chocolate bar surrendered to the police after finding a bounty on his head."

e.g. Would maybe have put:

"The mass resignation of Israeli doctors has lead to a crisis ...for nice, single Jewish girls."

yeh now I look you're right.

I guess when I listen their one liners don't sound so snappy, but I should raise my game...

Quote: Big Jack @ October 13 2011, 8:21 PM BST

Needed a bit more tweaking on the flow - or I'm just not that funny.

JackApps One-liners

(1)

(6)That's typical how slow things work in Parliament. It's taken 400 hundred years since Guy Fawkes planted his bomb before Big Ben finally starts falling over!

Corrections

(7)(8)Newsjack is happy to correct the error in our earlier feature on remembering all Six Wives. We should have given "Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, left to join The Bill." as the traditional way you memorise the Six Wives of Ian Beale.

(9)(11)Welcome to NewsFox. Taking your flatmate along - but not in that way.

(12)

View original

I like these, but I gotta be honest you're going for the obvious punches. The most hackneyed and truest bit of Newsjack advice is
ALways write your second idea, because everyone else will be sharing your first idea.

A sample of mine

- Voted off Strictly Come Dancing, Fox-trotting Edwina Currie sniffed that the judges were just a load of bad eggs.

- Noise abatement officers called to Paul McCartney's
reception after complaints by neighbours, had to escort screeching gatecrasher Yoko Ono from the Marquee.

- The Nuffield Council of Bioethics propose paying the funeral expenses of organ donors, however, they refuse to cover costs for anyone having Michael Buble played at their service.

- Avid wildlife spotters in Auckland were left disappointed when the offshore sighting of an adult walrus turned out to be ferry jumping cricketer ManuTuilagi

- Defence Secretary Liam Fox denies his best man accompanied him on his honeymoon. In fact, Mr Werritty missed the last boarding call and followed on the next available flight.

Quote: Shandonbelle @ October 13 2011, 9:48 PM BST

A sample of mine

- Voted off Strictly Come Dancing, Fox-trotting Edwina Currie sniffed that the judges were just a load of bad eggs.

View original

I like this one it's nostalgic, I think the others lack the jump a bit.

e.g. rugby player looks like walrus in the sea, isn't quite enough of a leap.

My favs this week

Quote: Park Bench @ October 13 2011, 6:00 PM BST

The British Medical Association has rejected the idea to pay organ donor's funeral expenses. A spokesman for the BMA commented 'After all, once your organs have been removed, your body will fit into a shoebox and you can be buried in the garden, next to the cat.'

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[quote name="blahblah" post="815816" date="October 13 2011, 6:41 PM BST"

Mistakes are like Downtown Abbey - unavoidable[/quote]

[quote name="Big Jack" post="815836" date="October 13 2011, 8:21 PM BST"

(3)Hello, Fox here. I made a mistake, but I can assure you that at no time was there a breach of the nation's security against the Gruffalo.

(5)It's a disgrace that Jason Donovan has been having dancing lessons before he appeared on Strictly Come Dancing - next we'll be hearing that contestants on University Challenge secretly went to school.

Corrections

(7)Newsjack would like to apologise for unnecessarily worrying listeners with our earlier report about a megavirus which had been found in the ocean near Chile - on later examination it was found to be just a Trojan seahorse.

(8)Newsjack is happy to correct the error in our earlier feature on remembering all Six Wives. We should have given "Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, left to join The Bill." as the traditional way you memorise the Six Wives of Ian Beale.

Newsfox

(11)Welcome to NewsFox. Taking your flatmate along - but not in that way.

Things we've learned this week

(12)Never lend your flatmate your keys.

And finally...

(13)This episode was first broadcast in October 2011, when David Cameron stated he supported same sex marriage while in an absolutely, utterly and completely unrelated story news broke of the scandal surrounding Liam Fox and his Best Man.[/quote]

Quote: sootyj @ October 13 2011, 9:05 PM BST

Publishers have great hopes for "how to make a 1000 face book friends and influence no one"

4 So scientific research has revealed we Brits are in fact not getting any ruder.

I could have told the stupid arse holes that.

7 The mass resignation of Israeli Dr over funding issues.

Has lead to a crisis ...for nice young, single, Jewish girls.

8 The Scottish man arrested for murdering a man in a row over a chocolate bar surrendered to the police.

After finding a bounty on his head.

9 As a special Birthday treat for Desmond Tutu's 80th Bono and Sting will play a concert on Robin Island.

Followed by the sinking of the only ferry to the mainland.

10 CHAVVY ACCENT

I'm bloody disgusted at that 18 minimum age for sunbeds in California.

You can't make a girl wait till her 3rd pregnancy to use a sunbed

View original

Here are my one liners that didn't make the cut, so close on a couple of occasions.

INTRO:​
Rapper Snoop Dogg has congratulated a Welsh farmer on growing a prize winning swede.  Who knew that Snoop had such an interest in gardening, although it does explain why he's always going on about his hoes..

INTRO:
​Exam boards which make mistakes will be fined in future, with fines in proportion to the seriousness of the mistake, up to a maximum of 10 marks or a week in detention.

INTRO:
​YouTube is about to start a service offering movie rentals, putting them in direct competition with LoveFilm.  LoveFilm have said they don't expect to make any of their employees redundant, but they may post them to the job centre in a pre-paid envelope.

INTRO:​
Scientists have discovered the area of the brain responsible for optimism, which is great news for stupid optimists, or 'Brain Half Full' types, as they're now called.

APP:​
This new Comedy Carpet in Blackpool is downright dangerous, whose bright idea was it to let us walk from one comedy catchphrase to another?  I've been trapped in the Chuckle Brothers entry for days now, send help!

JAY-Z:
​Yo!  Wassup!  This is Jay-Z comin' atcha!  Mah homie Snoop Dogg tells me he's been getting gardening tips from a Welsh farmer, and he put me in touch with your Alan Titchmarsh.  I may have 99 problems but Greenfly aint one!  Peace out!

APP:​
The Conservatives have always been in favour of a good Fox hunt, but I think they're now more likely to push for a total cull on Adam Werrity.

PERVY MAN:
​Following David Cameron's request for more protection of internet users, ISPs are to introduce a bar on web porn.  That sounds the kind of place I'd go to drink in.

APP:
​It's not surprising that Ed Miliband has taken down photos of Tony Blair and Gordon Brown at Labour Party HQ, his new shadow cabinet is so young that he's had to put up pictures of Peppa Pig instead.

APP:
​Research has shown that vitamin supplements may actually shorten your lifespan.  I was a bit suspicious when I found I was taking vitamins D, E, A, and D.

APP:​
An American woman has sued the makers of the movie 'Drive' because it has very little actual driving in it.  I took Guy Ritchie to court for exactly the same reason after I watched 'Snatch'.

APP:
​So, the regulatory body OfQual have been investigating problems with errors in exam papers.  OfQual, OfCom, OfGas, OfGem, who decides where these regulators get their names?  Is there a regulatory body for regulatory bodies?  OfOf?

My least favourite submission (and the one that I though was the most obvious) is the one that made it in, the Apple Store/Windows line...

My favourite quickie this week:

I'll be honest, I only watch Strictly Come Dancing to see a man dominating a woman. Sorry, not Strictly, PMQs.

Quote: 3songsnoflash @ October 13 2011, 11:15 PM BST

My least favourite submission (and the one that I though was the most obvious) is the one that made it in, the Apple Store/Windows line...

View original

Funny old world 3 songs - I've had my own warm glow dissipated by thinking "oh no they used that one!" on broadcast, followed swiftly by "thank God I sent in 10 rather than the top 9 I was thinking of". Congrats, they all count (and I haven't even heard yours yet).

One more comment/plea: there are always good gags on here, but PARK BENCH (yes, I mean you) seems to submit them only in stand-up style. PB, you usually have good material but it comes across as being written by someone who has never heard Newsjack, because virtually none of it is written to the brief. Maybe you have listened, but if so please have another go because your material would (in my opinion) stand much more chance if you reworded your gags. For example, your gag:

When two thousand people dressed as doctors and nurses blocked Westminster Bridge on Sunday, the police initially believed it to be a protest over NHS cuts. However, it turned out to be the remnants of Sir Paul McCartney's stag do.

...could fit the Newsjack brief as a correction, e.g.

Our report that two thousand people dressed as doctors and nurses were blocking Westminster Bridge in a protest over NHS cuts was in fact the remnants of Sir Paul McCartney's stag do.

Okay, it wouldn't have been used, but it at least fits the format of gags they do. This might seem trivial, petty, etc but you, we, everybody has to understand they receive hundreds and hundreds of submissions every week in a very short space of time. That means they need to turn around an enjoyable live show in a short time. Any work you are leaving to the team to make it fit the show means more work for them when they should probably be filling in serious gaps in the show, and that means it has less chance of being used. One week left this series, and if we want to get something on we should maximise our chances by writing to the brief.

Quote: Badge @ October 14 2011, 12:21 AM BST

Funny old world 3 songs - I've had my own warm glow dissipated by thinking "oh no they used that one!" on broadcast, followed swiftly by "thank God I sent in 10 rather than the top 9 I was thinking of". Congrats, they all count (and I haven't even heard yours yet).

View original

Yeah - in theory I agree about writing 6 and ditching the ones you think aren't your best. But if I'd done that I probably wouldn't have got anything on.

Here's my one-liners from this week

JUSTINpinions are the complete opposite of Theresa May's objections to the Human Rights Act - you really couldn't make them up. To prove it - here are some of your cat-flappings sent via the Jack App.

APP CALLS

CALLER:Well done that Tory peer who said obese people shouldn't eat so much. Finally, a politician prepared to come out and say people need less...working for the party prepared to give it to them.

(and the one that got on...)

CALLER:It's good they've created that massive comedy carpet in Blackpool. Finally there's somewhere to sweep Jim Davidson under.

CALLER:I agree with Arnold Schwarzenegger that turning the house he was born in into a museum will inspire people to believe they can achieve anything. I mean - who'd have guessed, all those years ago, that one day Arnie would visit a museum.

CALLER:I was surprised to hear about that 'minor' radiation-leak at a power station in Scotland. Isn't a 'minor' leak of nuclear radiation like a 'slight' murder or a 'dash' of genocide?

CALLER:I don't agree with Scientists who say some people's brains reject bad news. Now if you'll excuse me I've got to go to the polling-station and vote to stop David Cameron becoming Prime Minister.

CALLER:I applaud Bolivia's decision to use seized coca leaves to make fertilizer instead of cocaine. To support them I've started eating only Bolivian tomatoes. (WASTED) I'm on 50 tomatoes a day.

CALLER:AN Wilson's wrong to say people will forget Steve Jobs in 2 minutes - people will remember. And if they don't there's an app for it.

CORRECTION

JUSTIN:Last week we mistakenly said that the UK-based winner of the Euromillions lottery would take home 101 million pounds. Actually, following the Eurozone catastrophe the 117 million euros works out to 8 pounds 32 pence.

My offerings. If you can work out which one got on let me know as I've listened to it again and still can't work out which one was used.

In response to Mary Portas' comment about his ugly Cabinet, David Cameron replied that if he were choosing on looks he would have a room full of Chippendales.

Following their statement that they would share their Euromillions win with their friends, Dave and Angela Dawes were astounded to find that they knew so many people, especially the Prime Minister of Greece.

The woman who gave birth after finishing a marathon confirmed that it wasn't because she wanted to run 26 miles but simply that it was the quickest way to get to a maternity unit.

A statement from Blackberry regarding their continual .... I'm sorry I seem to have lost the rest of the message.

Quote: One more comment/plea: there are always good gags on here, but PARK BENCH (yes, I mean you) seems to submit them only in stand-up style. PB, you usually have good material but it comes across as being written by someone who has never heard Newsjack, because virtually none of it is written to the brief. Maybe you have listened, but if so please have another go because your material would (in my opinion) stand much more chance if you reworded your gags.

Badge, thanks for your feedback. I'll have to review how I word them. At least my stand-up writing skills are improving, if nothing else. Would it be okay to send you a couple, before I submit them this week (providing I think of any), so you can point me in the right direction if I'm still not getting it ?