Ray Christmas is so afraid of tunnelling trolls that he has never used the underground or even set foot in a basement. It has got so bad that if anyone simply mentions digging a post hole or hum's the Jam's seminal hit tune he will run screaming from the room.

When challenged recently that he had never actually seen a tunnelling troll Ray countered with "well, have you ever seen a dead Duck?" A brilliant argument that had everyone stumped for an answer - right up until the crispy Duck pancakes arrived!

(DEFRA advice is that while there is no documented evidence that tunnelling trolls exist it is considered wise that one does not stand in a hole any longer than is strictly necessary).

Playfull has a zither which he plays with his feet on the beach to attract seaweed, which he then sells in bunches to poor people by telling them that it is spinach.

Grytpype Thynne chortled and chided and wilfully swigged a bottle of 'Acme Molecule Manipulator'. Next time you see him, check out the back of his neck where just above the collar you can clearly see the sellotape holding his head on.

Frankie Rage has been a Batman fanatic since he was a child. He spends every spare pound on his truly impressive 'original comic' and 'memorabilia' collection. He has every TV and movie appearance the 'Caped Crusader' has ever made on VHS, DVD or Hard Drive. From the Camp 'Kerpows' of Adam West through Keaton's 'Crazy Bat' to Bale's Bat Eared mumblethon, he has thoroughly enjoyed every incarnation and interpretation of 'The Dark Knight'.

Except that is for the latest Batman, no Gotham City, no Alfred, No Bat cave and worst of all no cape or mask! The Kids Conpany Batman is just a tropically coloured step too far for this 'winged avenger' fanatic.

Playfull calls Cats Tigerdogs

Steve Sunshine eats crisps with a fork.

After a heavy night on the piss drinking cider Playfull saves his urine, bottles it and sells it as scrumpy so that he can finance his next night's drinking.

HGT is the Country's leading authority on being an authority. He is the go to man when you need a go to man to go to. The BBC often rely on his expertise to recommend a suitable expert to give their expert opinion expertly in any field they need an expert opinion on or in.

He of course charges exorbitant fees to those Media organisations, Governments and Charities who need to access his astounding list of contacts or as he calls it, his 'contact list'. It has taken him very many years of dedicated work to intensively research and compile this comprehensive and definitive list of pre-eminent spokespersons - though he did admit to me that he mostly just uses Google.

I met up with Palyfull last week, it seems he's recovering from his surgery and was actually in quite high spirits. Though it was a bit annoying when he kept jiggling them and shouting "jiggy jiggy jiggy. Look at my new titties"

Davey Jay was in the news recently when he heroically fought off a shark attack whilst taking part in a South African surfing competition. The whole world watched aghast as he repeatedly punched the shark before being rescued by a man on a Jet Ski.

It has however come to light that this was no random attack. The Shark has now claimed that this is not the first time he has been attacked by Mr Jay, and that in fact Mr Jay was in breach of an ASBO order not to come within 500m of the shark or his wife. The shark claims that he was merely resting his teeth on Mr Jays Surf board whilst asking him to leave his wife alone when Mr Jay launched an unprovoked attack on him.

A friend of the Shark a Mr Troy Tempest told us that Mr Jay had become infatuated with the Sharks wife and would not take no for an answer and that he repeatedly turned up at the shark's reef pretending to be 'interested in the coral'. He stated that the shark was forced into applying for the ASBO after Mr Jay turned up drunk and kept putting his arm into the shark's mouth and shouting that he was being attacked.

Mr Jay has denied the claims stating that he has no un-natural feelings for the Sharks wife, and that he finds the thought of sex with a fish completely abhorrent. He further stated that he is now in a steady relationship with a Dolphin - 'which is a mammal and definitely not a fish' he added.

After Playful's successful operation. He (She) took a holiday in South Africa where she met and fell in love with a beautiful shark called Terry. It was a whirl-wind romance and they were quickly married.

There was competition for her love though with a Mr Jay recently arrested for attacking her husband. In a statement to the court he said: "I think I love her. I love the way she jiggles her boobs and shouts 'JIGGY! JIGGY! JIGGY!' all the time."

Davey Jay is of course an obsessive masturbator. He can't get enough and is 'at it' morning, noon and night. At every opportunity he's nipping off for 'a crafty one'. However, although this is highly amusing for the rest of us, for him it's becoming quite a sore point.

Frankie Rage thought today was VD day so he went out and hot the clap from a slapper.

At the age of four Will asked his parents if they were real or just inside his head. His father cryptically replied 'both or more possibly neither'. This odd exchange explains so much about Will -

His habit of staring meditatively toward the Horizon, lost in his own thoughts for hours on end. Behaviour typical of a deep thinker but not really ideal in an Air traffic controller.

His inability to communicate meaningfully with other people. Except for the hordes of dead airline passengers who fill every room in his house, milling around endlessly whilst waiting to be moved on. And of course all his imaginary 'friends' on the BCG Forum.

His hobby of recording Terry Wogan 'off the radio' then playing him at a proper speed to see what he really sounds like.

And finally his deep need to be loved - as expressed by his extensive collection of Gimp costumes...

Playfull sellotapes shredded wheat together in 3 foot lines & sells them as draft excluders