Steve Sunshine is disappointed at only "coming" 4th in Britain's Masters of Masturbation competition. But in fairness to him every "member" of the Conservative Cabinet entered this year, so the competition was stiff. When I say "entered" ... well let's just say it put him off his stride and off his lunch. It was all too much for him to "swallow", coming up the rear as he did....

Nick Nockerty's not nice normally, not now Nan Nockerty's normally nice nighttime nonsense nearly never normally notice's Nick Nockerty's nuanced normality.

Will Cam loves two things in this world. The first is his hero, Will.i.am. The second is his hobby of being a web cam boy. From now on, he would like to be called Will.i.cam.

Davey Jay has three nipples
& two of them are up his nose

When Steve Sunshine first grew a beard at 39 years of age his mother finally accepted that he was not, 'the little girl she'd always wanted'. She still calls him Deirdre though and to this day he wears a Taffeta Ra Ra skirt whenever he visits her in the home. That's when the prison will grant him a pass of course.

It is a little known fact that Frankie invented the term 'Vajazzle'. He was working in the marketing department of Procter & Gamble at the time and was brainstorming names for a new kitchen floor cleaner.

P & G eventually decided against 'Vajazzle' as well as Frankies second choice 'Quim Clean' going instead for his third suggestion 'Fanny Flash'. Due to a printing error this was launched as just 'Flash', and is still available to this day under that name.

Frankie denies having a vagina obsession though he did admit that 'Clitoris Bang' was also one of his.

As a child Playfull's toilet training was less than successful and even now he is unable to stay 'clean' for long. His nickname at school was 'Jemimah Stink Pants' (so he says on his LinkedIn profile). He also reveals that he was born with black and yellow stripes across his back leading to mum naming him, Jasper. He lists amongst his many hobbies, buzzing around piles of dog poo, saddle sniffing and bra twanging.

Tuumble never really fitted in to society on account that he was born a bald, fully grown adult from the loins of an inflatable tire.

Yogi.

Oh Yogi, my poor desperate friend. Yogi, Yogi, Yogi.

We all know it's been a hard time for you and generally you seem to be doing ok. It must be hard though. I know it's difficult. Losing your sitcom. Your wife. The kids. Boo Boo's career taking off. I understand.

I'm saying this publicly. I'm doing it for you.

Yogi has recently developed a 'qwerk'. I know some of the media has been calling it a serious problem but it's ok, Yogi. You're amongst friends and it's actually quite normal.

He goes mental when letters are missing or over used. When he saw Tuumble's picture of a t-shirt which missed an 'e' from the word 'clearance' he just lost it. And when he saw that Tumble called himself Tuumble! Well, there was no stopping him.

We're both sorry and I promise if he has any more 'episodes' I'll do my best to calm him down.

I love you brother. Stay strong.

Davey Jay supplies all the 'off camera' noises for Most Haunted.

It has been said that playfull's avatar picture is nothing more than wishful thinking. Mainly by his mum.

She's quoted in a recent local news article: "Jasper? Yeah. I know he's a weird guy. We've all seen his one-man sex tapes but he's just over compensating. I had a terrible time toilet training him but I think he's improving. Only last week he made number two all by himself and completely in his potty. Well, he nearly did."

Unfortunately, playfull's mother was unavailable for further comment but her case worker said the following: "Yes. It's true. Jasper's penis does look like a bullet. He's even coloured in some flames with his felt tips."

Davey Jay told me he was the dog's bollocks..........or he might have said he has dog's bollocks, but a small willy apparently.

Herc is a part time Liberace impersonator
But due to a lack of funding has to play all the tunes on a diamante studded stylophone

Steve Sunshine's got his hat on, Hip hip hooray,
Steve Sunshine's got his hat on and he...loves a good fisting!