Will can't afford an alarm clock, so he keeps a cockerel on his bedside cupboard, which he feeds roast chicken crisps to, just to be perverse.

HGT "Swings like a pendulum do"

He represented England at international swinging since the early 1960's and was captain of both the singles and mixed pairs throughout the swinging heyday of the 1970's.

In International mixed swinging the game starts with each 'player' throwing a set of car keys into a dish from 25 paces. They then have 60 minutes to shag, bugger, feltch, feck, rim, tup, tickle, and rug munch as many other players as possible. Points are awarded for style as well as speed. Any male player 'getting on the wrong bus' - whether accidental or deliberate - is immediately disqualified.

By contrast, the international swinging 'women only' competition is started with the traditional cry of "C'mon it can't lick itself!"

HGT retired shortly after he was awarded the OBE earlier this year for 'outstanding' services to swinging but has recently had to issue repeated denials that he ever used banned chemicals to improve his performance. Rumour has it though that he was caught in his last competition with a smear of Ralgex under his foreskin.

Playfull invented chafing. So, whenever those wet pants are rubbing your inner thigh red raw, you can blame him.

Will had a pet crayon he calls Jeremy, that he keeps behind his left ear so that is always ready for when he does colouring in, but Jeremy is jealous of Will's cutting out scissors which he has named Charles.

Not only does Herc wear his socks in bed he also wears a white Tux as well.

Strumpet

Don't let Strumpet's name fool you, she really is big down under. She's the CEO of Australia's premier decorating company. As an apprentice she developed a low cost way of painting rooms, involving tying paint brushes to Kangaroos. She has recently perfected the technique by using children and trampolines; let's hope the parents paying Strumpet nursery fees never find out.

Nick Nockerty is an unpleasant little f**ker who delights in picking on the disabled and disadvantaged. He pours champagne on his cornflakes whilst laughing at the unemployed and those who suffer with mental illness. He openly espouses that the rich should get richer and the poor should pay for it...hang on a minute, I'm thinking of David Cameron.

Stylee TingTing has got a pink ribbon tied around hers.

Frankie Rage is apparently a 'Ray Christmas' tribute act.

Quote: playfull @ 25th July 2015, 2:50 PM BST

Frankie Rage is apparently a 'Ray Christmas' tribute act.

View original

Playfull can't tell his A's from his R's..

Frankie Rage replaced all his crockery with poetry, claiming that it saved on the washing up.

Quote: Frankie Rage @ 25th July 2015, 3:45 PM BST

Playfull can't tell his A's from his R's..

View original

I hrve nevea got my r's rnd my a's mixed up!
Soaay thrt should hrve rerd my a's rnd my r's...

Nogget was in fact the name of a top secret MK-Ultra style project that the UK government ran out of Porton Down in the early 70's. The aim of the project was to control the masses by the use of subliminal messages hidden in popular TV shows. To prove the concept random ideas were inserted into the public psyche which explains the (otherwise inexplicable) sudden mass appeal of Klackers, pet pebbles, space boppers, lava lamps and Larry Grayson.

It is thought that after the end of the cold war the technique of mass manipulation was sold on into the commercial sector, and is rumoured to be responsible for the rise of Apple, Amazon and Facebook. It's one failure being Dr Pepper where the taste was just too awful for any amount of brainwashing to overcome!

This project remains so top secret to this day - that even I have never heard of it...

Palyfull is the man that discovered 107 degrees celsius is the boiling point of a kitten.

Nick Kockerty always requests permission to land when he sits down at the kitchen table. His wife used to get incredibly pissed off with this until she twigged that she could have fun at his expense. Most days she responds with a reply that there are birds on the runway and makes him circle the kitchen table for hours. It's a-laugh-a-f**kin-minute in the Nockerty household.

Will Cam's real name is in fact Jemimah Throttlehorse and she spent this afternoon sailing across the Atlantic in a kettle. When asked if she would gravitate to the Pacific she said not until after tea.