British Comedy Guide

NEWSJACK REJECTS - AUTUMN 2018 Page 6

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electronat

  • Friday 12th October 2018, 3:18pm
  • Whitley Bay, United Kingdom
  • 19 posts
Quote: Yacob Wingnut @ 12th October 2018, 3:09 PM

1. Taylor Swift gives contentious opinions on US politics. Many people wanted Swift to keep quiet, but they were probably talking about her music.

I'd have tried this one with even more brevity. e.g.

1. Taylor Swift gives contentious opinions on US politics. Many people wanted Swift to keep quiet, so no change there.

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Yacob Wingnut

  • Friday 12th October 2018, 4:53pm
  • England
  • 713 posts

Thanks for the quick reply, electronat! Good feedback!

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B T F

  • Saturday 13th October 2018, 7:59am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Yacob Wingnut @ 12th October 2018, 3:09 PM

I'm trying to improve my one-liner-writing ability by failing miserably to get anything onto NJ.

Any feedback on the following would be most welcome:

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Taylor Swift gives contentious opinions on US politics. Many people wanted Swift to keep quiet, but they were probably talking about her music.

2. A GCSE textbook has been pulled for stereotyping Caribbean dads as being absent. The book's publishers deny they're racist and say they'll apologise to Caribbean dads, if they can find any.

3. A group of MPs suggests making water meters compulsory. Critics say compulsory water meters would be taking the p, while proponents say it's the piping near the meter that does that.

NEWSJACKPEDIA:

1. Google: The search-engine that recently exposed the data of half-a-million users. Though it could also burn down my house and eat my dog, and I still wouldn't use bing.

2. Ian Blackford: The SNP's Westminister leader who said that, "Scotland deserves better," yet strangely didn't resign right afterwards.

3. Climate Change: The meagre amounts that governments give to stop global warming.

Not sure if it makes a difference, but I didn't send my submission to Newsjack until 11:51 and then didn't get the confirmation email until 12:02.

I think they would have been received in time. Personally, I think all the jokes are fine but they get loads sent in I guess. Is the google one slightly old? One or two could be honed maybe.
MPs have suggested making water meters compulsory. Critics say they're taking the pee but proponents say it's the pipe next to the meter that does this.

A GCSE textbook's been pulled for stereotyping absent Caribbean dads. Publishers deny this, saying they'll apologise to Caribbean dads, if they can find any.
I like the jokes so am just being very nit picky!
I like the climate change one - I wonder if you could even add in - the amount governments give to show commitment to stopping global warming. But actually I don't think it improves your original.

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Laurence Doherty

  • Saturday 13th October 2018, 12:19pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 6 posts

The silence of the inbox once again.

Here's my sketch for this week...

BUT IS IT ART?
1. ANGELA: Banksy is back in the headlines this week after apparently shredding one of his own paintings just seconds after it was sold at auction for over a million pounds. But does this publicity stunt open the floodgates for other similar copy cat stunts?
2. FX: STREET SOUNDS (Car sounds etc)
3. TREV: (Del Boy Type) Genuine Banksy! Get your genuine Banksy here!
4. HUGH: (City Gent) Genuine Banksy? Where?
5. TREV: Right here sir! I can see you have a keen eye. You can sniff out a great opportunity.
6. HUGH: What. That? But that just says 'WET PAINT'. And I saw you paint it on this wall a second ago.
7. TREV: But did I sir? Can you really be certain that what you perceived to be fact was, in fact, an... ILLUSION!
8. HUGH: Stop waving your hands like that. It's making me queasy. That and the smell of wet paint mixed with bullsh...
9. TREV: That Banksy is a slippery little fella sir. Not five minutes ago he slipped me a tenner, told me to paint this and BANG! (Claps hands). He was off. Into the night. Like an artistic cat.
10. HUGH: What a load of tosh! I have a train to catch so if you'll excuse me...
11. TREV: You'll kick yourself sir. Don't come crying to me when you spot this in Sotheby's. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
12. HUGH: Wait a minute. The wall's dry.
13. TREV: Exactly sir! Exactly. Therein lies the Banksy genius. The only wet bit is the sign itself. It is a Sparrow Box.
14. HUGH: Sparrow Box?
15. TREV: Yes sir. An entity that contradicts itself.
16. HUGH: Oh. You mean a Paradox.
17. TREV: See! I knew you'd get it. A Paradox. Another Banksy triumph. The sign only exists as a warning to itself. Bit like Brexit.
18. HUGH: Brexit? So you are saying that the vacuous nature of the sign is a statement on the inherent impotence of the current status quo? In other words, the sign depicts the inevitable demise of our once great nation?
19. TREV: Er... Yes!
20. HUGH: Ok then. I'll buy it. How much?
21. TREV: Really? Wow. Ok then. How about we shake hands at £50?
22. HUGH: Deal. Here's your.... wait a minute.
23. TREV: What?
24. HUGH: Sorry my good man but the deal's off.
25. TREV: But a second ago you said...
26. HUGH: I know what I said. But a second ago the paint was wet. Now it's dry. Good day!
27. FX: FOOTSTEPS WALKING AWAY.
28. HUGH: Genuine Banksy Sparrow Box for sale! Get it here!

END
Email - Docdoherty44@gmail.com
Twitter - @DocFourFour

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Auditchris

  • Saturday 13th October 2018, 1:00pm
  • Tunbridge Wells, United Kingdom
  • 135 posts

General sketch thoughts:

Always put a joke in Angela's intro - treat this joke as seriously as anything in your sketch. It not only shows that you respect the format of the show but a great gag at the start will win the reader over immediately when they're ploughing through hundred of (mainly bad) sketches.

Be careful that your sketches are *about* the news story in question rather than being *inspired by* that story. This is something I'm often guilty of.

Here's one of my week 5 sketches - it's ostensibly about spiders but it ends up being mainly about the trauma of school memories. Stay on target!

ANGELA: Four schools in East London have closed due to infestations of false widow spiders. When I was a kid my school had rats - it didn't shut though, we just gave them names and had lots of tetanus shots.

The scientific community has called the closures an insane overreaction. But when it comes to spiders you can never be too careful...

GRAMS: TENSE ELECTRONIC BASS PULSE

FX: RUNNING AND SCREAMING

SERGEANT 1: Armed police! Get back!

SERGEANT 2: Ok chief, we're in position at the school entrance.

CHIEF (OVER RADIO): Ok, remember team, suspects are eight-armed and slightly dangerous... if you poke them.

SERGEANT 1: Are we authorised to use lethal force?

CHIEF: That's a negative Sergeant. Deploy your glass tumblers and little sheets of paper - scoop these bastards up for questioning.

SERGEANT 2: Right, we're going in. On my mark. Three, two...

SERGEANT 1: Wait! This is the Maths department. I'm getting flashbacks! It's the morning of the big exam, I've forgotten how to do simultaneous equations, I'm just wearing my pants!

SERGEANT 2: Focus man! That's all in the past. You don't need a grasp of basic maths now, you're a police officer.

SERGEANT 1: Sorry, I'm ok. Let's do this!

FX: DOOR BEING BROKEN DOWN

CHIEF (OVER RADIO): Now if you see one of those critters, keep your wits about you - you might be attacked from the side by the other spider you didn't even know was there.

SERGEANT 2: Er, isn't that velociraptors Chief?

CHIEF (OVER RADIO): Shut up and do your job Sergeant!

SERGEANT 1: Argh, one of them's on my neck!

SERGEANT 2: They've got Carson! Request permission for kill shot!

SERGEANT 1: Hold your fire! It was just my hair tickling me.

SERGEANT 2: Ok, Maths corridor clear. Proceeding to Geography department.

SERGEANT 1: Oh God! I can't remember how oxbow lakes are formed!

CHIEF (OVER RADIO): Pull yourself together Carson! You're endangering the mission!

SERGEANT 2: Right, we're gonna need to split up. Carson, check that scary looking door; I'll sweep this poorly lit corridor.

GRAMS: TENSE ATMOS

CHIEF (OVER RADIO): You see anything? Report!

SERGEANT 1: (SOBBING) Oh god, oh god! There's a massive one above the toilet and I really need a wee!

SERGEANT 2: Looks like we've found the nest. There's one on the wall!

SERGEANT 1: They're moving above us!

SERGEANT 2: We're surrounded!

CHIEF (OVER RADIO): Lethal force authorised! Step on them! Spray them with hairspray! Squish them in little bits of loo roll!

TEACHER: What the hell is going on in here?! I'm trying to teach next door!

SERGEANT 1 & 2: Sorry Miss.

CHIEF (OVER RADIO): Sorry Miss, it won't happen again.

TEACHER: Detention! All of you!

SERGEANT 1: Oh God, it's happening again!

END.

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Will Cam

  • Saturday 13th October 2018, 11:06pm
  • England
  • 8,018 posts

I haven't submitted anything this series due to a bout of apathy. If I had any enthusiasm last week I would probably have sent:

A Swedish safety group is calling on makers of sex toys to do more to prevent their products getting stuck in the nation's rectums. Dildo designers have promised a bottom-up review.

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B T F

  • Sunday 14th October 2018, 8:27am
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts

Lawrence Doherty thanks for sharing this. I agree a joke in the intro is a good idea. I think they do put sketches on that go off at a complete tangent but I guess having the story as a focus is good.
Good joke Will Cam. Auditchris - good one. Nothing to suggest except maybe could play on detention/police thing even more.

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Auditchris

  • Sunday 14th October 2018, 8:41am
  • Tunbridge Wells, United Kingdom
  • 135 posts

Yeah, some NJ sketches do go off on one. However, for submissions I still think it's best to catch the producers' attention by presenting a single well-developed idea.

Of course, if they really like the premise they'll add/change jokes to make it work.

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Laurence Doherty

  • Monday 15th October 2018, 4:05pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 6 posts

Cheers everyone. I think that's me done for this series as another writing commitment has kicked in but I'm looking forward to the next series.

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Yacob Wingnut

  • Thursday 18th October 2018, 4:21pm
  • England
  • 713 posts
Quote: B T F @ 13th October 2018, 7:59 AM

I think they would have been received in time. Personally, I think all the jokes are fine but they get loads sent in I guess. Is the google one slightly old? One or two could be honed maybe.
MPs have suggested making water meters compulsory. Critics say they're taking the pee but proponents say it's the pipe next to the meter that does this.

A GCSE textbook's been pulled for stereotyping absent Caribbean dads. Publishers deny this, saying they'll apologise to Caribbean dads, if they can find any.
I like the jokes so am just being very nit picky!
I like the climate change one - I wonder if you could even add in - the amount governments give to show commitment to stopping global warming. But actually I don't think it improves your original.

Cheers B T F! Yeah, I should've trimmed the one-liners a bit - I have things to learn. Also sorry, I' should've thanked you earlier - I've been stupidly busy.

And I should criticise more things on here myself. Ahhh! Will get to it.

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electronat

  • Thursday 18th October 2018, 9:06pm
  • Whitley Bay, United Kingdom
  • 19 posts

I'll start us off with this week's rejects... well done if anyone got in! Here are my failed efforts...

1. A Canadian politician has sparked outrage this week by claiming that the crucifix is 'not a religious symbol', before reading everyone a story from his favourite book about the adventures of a crazy old man who lives in the sky.

2. A study has suggested that men who drink two cups of coffee a day could double their chance of becoming a father. "It all makes sense now", said dad-of-nine, Maxwell House.

NOTE: The next joke is not a repeat! It has a different punchline...

3. A study has suggested that men who drink two cups of coffee a day could double their chance of becoming a father and in a related study the opposite was found for tea-bagging.

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B T F

  • Thursday 18th October 2018, 9:10pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts

Interesting jokes Electronat. Maybe the first one could be cut down a little...

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electronat

  • Thursday 18th October 2018, 9:16pm
  • Whitley Bay, United Kingdom
  • 19 posts
Quote: B T F @ 18th October 2018, 9:10 PM

Interesting jokes Electronat. Maybe the first one could be cut down a little...

Thanks for the feedback BTF!

What about this...

A Canadian politician this week claimed that the crucifix is 'not a religious symbol', before reading a story from his favourite book about the crazy old man who lives in the sky.

Also, how did you fare this week? Any luck?

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B T F

  • Thursday 18th October 2018, 9:17pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts

These are ones I can recall sent this week.
Jp-

Lord Sugar - new Minister for Diabetes.

Killing Eve - what halloween could become if you forget to buy sweets

There was a BN on Meghan doing a speech and getting a standing 'ovulation' - cringe.

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electronat

  • Thursday 18th October 2018, 9:19pm
  • Whitley Bay, United Kingdom
  • 19 posts
Quote: B T F @ 18th October 2018, 9:17 PM

These are ones I can recall sent this week.
Jp-

Lord Sugar - new Minister for Diabetes.

Killing Eve - what halloween could become if you forget to buy sweets

There was a BN on Meghan doing a speech and getting a standing 'ovulation' - cringe.

The Lord Sugar one is great!