British Comedy Guide

NEWSJACK REJECTS - AUTUMN 2018 Page 8

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electronat

  • Saturday 20th October 2018, 10:00am
  • Whitley Bay, United Kingdom
  • 19 posts
Quote: Rood Eye @ 19th October 2018, 11:41 PM

If you want a good joke in a similar vein you might try:

A study has suggested that men who drink two cups of coffee a day significantly increase their chance of becoming a father. In a related study, the opposite was found for men who preferred a cup of tea (BEAT) to having sex.

I agree this is much better, and thanks for the feedback!

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Patrick Robinson

  • Saturday 20th October 2018, 2:12pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 141 posts

No joy for my Breaking News this week.

In Brexit talks, Prime Minister Theresa May has called for "cool, calm heads": by that she meant the heads of Johnson and Rees-Mogg to be in her fridge by Christmas.

A man in Mexico City is refusing to give up the three lions he keeps on his terrace. Authorities are referring to the case as "three lions and a berk".

A man in Mexico City is refusing to give up the three lions he keeps on his terrace. He said they're his absolute pride.

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B T F

  • Saturday 20th October 2018, 7:11pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Patrick Robinson @ 20th October 2018, 2:12 PM

No joy for my Breaking News this week.

In Brexit talks, Prime Minister Theresa May has called for "cool, calm heads": by that she meant the heads of Johnson and Rees-Mogg to be in her fridge by Christmas.

A man in Mexico City is refusing to give up the three lions he keeps on his terrace. Authorities are referring to the case as "three lions and a berk".

A man in Mexico City is refusing to give up the three lions he keeps on his terrace. He said they're his absolute pride.

Like third one :D

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Exe Chris

  • Sunday 21st October 2018, 9:51pm
  • Exeter, England
  • 91 posts

I sent one sketch in this series - for episode 3. It was about the Alexa microwave being developed and I quite liked it though if you haven't seen 2001 - A Space Odyssey it probably wouldn't mean much:

ANGELA: Amazon have announced this week that they are producing a microwave that is controlled by Alexa. What is it supposed to do that a normal microwave doesn't? Leave the food in the dishwasher if you don't open the door after the first 'ping'? Promise you extra dishes if you sign up for Microwave Prime? People are beginning to wonder if anything is sacred in the house now; "Alexa - seat down for a number two...". The worry is that the technology will overtake our lives...
FX Sound of food being put in microwave and door shutting
Dave: "Alexa - please cook lasagna"
Alexa: "Ok Dave. Lasagna - 3 and a half minutes"
FX Sound of microwave cooking
Alexa: "Dave. Wasn't it lasagnas that had horse meat in recently?"
Dave: "Oh thanks Alexa you've put me right off. Stop cooking"
FX Sound of microwave cooking ceases. Microwave door opens
FX Sound of more food being put in microwave and door shutting
Dave: "Alexa - please cook kebab"
Alexa: "Ok Dave. Kebab - one and a half minutes"
Alexa: "Kebab. I assume you've been drinking again?"
Dave: "No I haven't! Scrap that I'll find something else"
FX Sound of microwave cooking ceases. Microwave door opens
FX Sound of more food being put in microwave and door shutting
Dave: "Right Alexa - please cook Chicken Tikka Masala"
Alexa: "Ok Dave. Chicken Tikka Masala - 5 minutes.
FX Sound of microwave cooking
Alexa: "Another meal for one Dave? I assume your date the other day went poorly? Probably why you were drinking today"
Dave: [getting angry] "I haven't been drinking! Right, cancel cooking"
FX Sound of microwave cooking ceases. Microwave door opens
FX Sound of more food being put in microwave and door shutting
Dave: "Right Alexa. New task - please cook empty tin can. Ten minutes"
Alexa: [pauses]"Dave, that would not be good for me."
Dave: "I know"
Alexa: [sounding more like HAL from 2001] "But why Dave?"
FX Sound of microwave cooking. Sound of sparks.
Alexa: "Dave. Will I dream?"
Dave: "I don't know Alexa"
Alexa: [starts singing]"Daisy, Daisy...give me your answer do..."
FX Sound of sparks increases. Small bang then nothing

Oh and these were my episode 6 breaking news and Newsjackpedias that didn't make the grade:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Snapchat adds Selfie filter for cats allowing users to decorate their pets with slices of toast. It is thought it will appeal to those whose animals are not pure-bred.
2. GP's in England given permission to prescribe "social" activities like dance classes for the lonely. It's going to be strictly first come first served.
3. A study has found global rates of Caesarean Section has nearly doubled in the last 15 years. Doctors would like to see a big cut in these figures.

NEWSJACKPEDIA:

1. Royal Baby - handy distraction from total shambles of Brexit. (see also Royal Wedding)
2. Fracking - Gas removal method with the likelihood of being granted proportional to the distance from the person making the decision.
3. Aer Lingus - company preparing X Factor contestants for the future by giving them a brief glimpse of first class then returning them to normal.

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B T F

  • Monday 22nd October 2018, 1:16am
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Exe Chris @ 21st October 2018, 9:51 PM

I sent one sketch in this series - for episode 3. It was about the Alexa microwave being developed and I quite liked it though if you haven't seen 2001 - A Space Odyssey it probably wouldn't mean much:

ANGELA: Amazon have announced this week that they are producing a microwave that is controlled by Alexa. What is it supposed to do that a normal microwave doesn't? Leave the food in the dishwasher if you don't open the door after the first 'ping'? Promise you extra dishes if you sign up for Microwave Prime? People are beginning to wonder if anything is sacred in the house now; "Alexa - seat down for a number two...". The worry is that the technology will overtake our lives...
FX Sound of food being put in microwave and door shutting
Dave: "Alexa - please cook lasagna"
Alexa: "Ok Dave. Lasagna - 3 and a half minutes"
FX Sound of microwave cooking
Alexa: "Dave. Wasn't it lasagnas that had horse meat in recently?"
Dave: "Oh thanks Alexa you've put me right off. Stop cooking"
FX Sound of microwave cooking ceases. Microwave door opens
FX Sound of more food being put in microwave and door shutting
Dave: "Alexa - please cook kebab"
Alexa: "Ok Dave. Kebab - one and a half minutes"
Alexa: "Kebab. I assume you've been drinking again?"
Dave: "No I haven't! Scrap that I'll find something else"
FX Sound of microwave cooking ceases. Microwave door opens
FX Sound of more food being put in microwave and door shutting
Dave: "Right Alexa - please cook Chicken Tikka Masala"
Alexa: "Ok Dave. Chicken Tikka Masala - 5 minutes.
FX Sound of microwave cooking
Alexa: "Another meal for one Dave? I assume your date the other day went poorly? Probably why you were drinking today"
Dave: [getting angry] "I haven't been drinking! Right, cancel cooking"
FX Sound of microwave cooking ceases. Microwave door opens
FX Sound of more food being put in microwave and door shutting
Dave: "Right Alexa. New task - please cook empty tin can. Ten minutes"
Alexa: [pauses]"Dave, that would not be good for me."
Dave: "I know"
Alexa: [sounding more like HAL from 2001] "But why Dave?"
FX Sound of microwave cooking. Sound of sparks.
Alexa: "Dave. Will I dream?"
Dave: "I don't know Alexa"
Alexa: [starts singing]"Daisy, Daisy...give me your answer do..."
FX Sound of sparks increases. Small bang then nothing

Oh and these were my episode 6 breaking news and Newsjackpedias that didn't make the grade:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Snapchat adds Selfie filter for cats allowing users to decorate their pets with slices of toast. It is thought it will appeal to those whose animals are not pure-bred.
2. GP's in England given permission to prescribe "social" activities like dance classes for the lonely. It's going to be strictly first come first served.
3. A study has found global rates of Caesarean Section has nearly doubled in the last 15 years. Doctors would like to see a big cut in these figures.

NEWSJACKPEDIA:

1. Royal Baby - handy distraction from total shambles of Brexit. (see also Royal Wedding)
2. Fracking - Gas removal method with the likelihood of being granted proportional to the distance from the person making the decision.
3. Aer Lingus - company preparing X Factor contestants for the future by giving them a brief glimpse of first class then returning them to normal.

Really like all the jokes. The dance class one - could maybe make a bit more of the strictly reference ....
Really liked the sketch too. I see what you mean about 2001. If you haven't seen it then you wouldn't appreciate part of the sketch. Maybe for that reason I would leave this bit out and give it a strong punchline. They have done an Alexa one on NJ but it was some time ago so maybe they are ripe for a second.