British Comedy Guide

NEWSJACK REJECTS - AUTUMN 2018 Page 2

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Tommy G

  • Saturday 15th September 2018, 8:40am
  • United Kingdom
  • 5 posts

Only one of mine I thought might sneak in

"Jamie Oliver teams up with Tesco...well, "every spittle helps".

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Kenny Bania

  • Saturday 15th September 2018, 3:15pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts

Ok here goes.....

Breaking news

The Chief Rabbi has criticised Jeremy Corbyn for wearing creased shirt,s saying that he doesn't understand the English sense of ironing

Newsjackpedia

Thief Strognanoff : The lastest edition to the menu of Jamies Italian
Dickapedia ; A website entirely devoted to the exploits of Boris Johnson
Destruction, Destruction, Destruction : TV programme in which host Kirsty Allsopp destroys her sons gadgets in overpriced properties

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Thosisd

  • Wednesday 19th September 2018, 7:47am
  • United Kingdom
  • 287 posts

Found out on Monday that my La Publico Toiletto Newsjackipedia was the one which made the script but was cut.

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Danno

  • Friday 21st September 2018, 5:48pm [Edited]
  • Azerbaijan
  • 307 posts

Dearth of oneliners for me this week. My best (or possibly worst attempt) was a crude poke at Katie Hopkins along the lines of: Cash-strapped shock-jock, Katie Hopkins, is staying tight-lipped amid rumours she hasn't got a pot to piss in.
Yeah, i know, pretty cringeyworthy/toiletwall stuff! Needless to say I didn't receive the email.

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Thosisd

  • Thursday 27th September 2018, 7:03pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 287 posts

Here's a couple of my no-go's this week. Saved one back as I think it could be used again against a different story.

Scientists are on a mission to clear space junk. A spokesperson said, 'For the LAST time, Earth is NOT interested in peninsula enlargement!'

A man was arrested outside Buckingham Palace on suspicion of carrying a taser. Onlookers at the scene were said to be stunned.

Super Canada - much easier to say than "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Canada."

Mayochup - new hybrid condiment for people who can't afford a NutriBullet.

Jack's - Post-Brexit inspired theme park for the over sixties.

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Auditchris

  • Thursday 27th September 2018, 7:11pm
  • Tunbridge Wells, United Kingdom
  • 135 posts

For what it's worth, here are my unloved one liners:

1. Christine and Frank Lampard announced the birth of a baby girl last Friday. An earlier delivery had been ruled out for offside.

2. Amazon have developed an Alexa-controlled microwave. Prime members will have access to unlimited TV dinners although most of them will be at least five years old.

3. The Co-Op is to introduce compostable carrier bags. However, research suggests that most people are still likely to opt for a coffin.

NEWSJACKIPEDIA

1. Hypodermic: A variety of Australian strawberry.

2. Council Services: A system of publicly funded resources that was discontinued in the early 21st century.

3. Water-cooler moment: When a colleague ruins the finale of a TV show you haven't yet seen.

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Thosisd

  • Thursday 27th September 2018, 7:14pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 287 posts

Really nice set there. I was trying to do a co op bag/funeral gag but couldn't make it work. Also have an early draft for next week which is similar to your first gag. May rethink that now!

I think the lottery aspect of the show means some material is missed out and not because it's weak. Keep it up!

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Auditchris

  • Thursday 27th September 2018, 7:17pm
  • Tunbridge Wells, United Kingdom
  • 135 posts

Thanks. I really like peninsula enlargement!

Think you're right about the lottery aspect. They must get loads which are essentially interchangeable quality wise.

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B T F

  • Thursday 27th September 2018, 11:23pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts

Thosisd I liked the first two particularly. The first is more complex to listen to than the second but I like it.
Audit Chris - I liked your number 3 jokes.

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 28th September 2018, 10:40am
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts

The rejects I was mildly hopeful of :

Breaking news - A woman has attended her graduation ceremony in a gown made of crisp packets. She said she got the idea from her brother, Russell

Newsjackpedia - Corbynista. A religious festival the Labour Party hope the country will be enjoying next April, after a sudden general election

Auditchris - particularly like number 3

Thought show was particularly good standard this week

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Exe Chris

  • Friday 28th September 2018, 9:58pm
  • Exeter, England
  • 91 posts

1. Meghan Markle's 'something blue' has been revealed to be part of her first date dress. In contrast, Princess Anne's 'something blue' was the speech by the bride's Father.
2. After one mother's story this week; "I gave birth and got Hepatitis C", we ask has the fad for unusual children's names gone too far?
3. The co-founders of Instagram are both leaving the firm. So far the stock market has responded with two 'lol's, three 'thumbs up's and a 'sad face' emoji.

NEWSJACKPEDIA:

1. Strictly - type of dancing and **rest of answer restricted by BBC lawyers**
2. Poldarkness - type of low lighting in which people appear more attractive.

Here's my efforts this week - the second one-liner was used. The first Newsjackpedia related to a story that wasn't very big news so didn't have much of a chance while the second one I hoped they would carry on the Poldark love-in.

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Thosisd

  • Sunday 30th September 2018, 8:58am
  • United Kingdom
  • 287 posts
Quote: B T F @ 27th September 2018, 11:23 PM

Thosisd I liked the first two particularly. The first is more complex to listen to than the second but I like it.
Audit Chris - I liked your number 3 jokes.

Thanks. Yes, I almost left it off as it's more of a visual gag than audible.

Need to get cracking with this week. No inspiration so far.

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sillysausage

  • Tuesday 2nd October 2018, 3:10pm
  • Derbyshire, England
  • 93 posts

Keep forgetting to do this. Here are my S19E03 one-liners. They used the Weight Watchers gag but ditched the rest.

1. Weight Watchers has been rebranded as WW. Nutritionists say it's done amazingly well to lose 12 letters but the battle now is keeping them off.

2. The vicar booked for Denis Norden's funeral makes a mental note to pass off any fluffed lines as a clever reference to 'It'll Be Alright On The Night'.

3. After playing his final ever gig, Paul Simon says he's looking forward to spending more time with Julio down by the old schoolyard.

Newsjackipedia

Mercury Prize: An award given to a band or singer to mark the beginning of their drift into obscurity.
Chuckle and Dave: A hastily formed new double act that keep dropping their pianos.
Make-believe: Childish fantasies with no basis in reality, such as policy pledges at the Labour conference.

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GoWithIt

  • Tuesday 2nd October 2018, 3:16pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 154 posts
Quote: sillysausage @ 2nd October 2018, 3:10 PM

Keep forgetting to do this. Here are my S19E03 one-liners. They used the Weight Watchers gag but ditched the rest.

1. Weight Watchers has been rebranded as WW. Nutritionists say it's done amazingly well to lose 12 letters but the battle now is keeping them off.

2. The vicar booked for Denis Norden's funeral makes a mental note to pass off any fluffed lines as a clever reference to 'It'll Be Alright On The Night'.

3. After playing his final ever gig, Paul Simon says he's looking forward to spending more time with Julio down by the old schoolyard.

Newsjackipedia

Mercury Prize: An award given to a band or singer to mark the beginning of their drift into obscurity.
Chuckle and Dave: A hastily formed new double act that keep dropping their pianos.
Make-believe: Childish fantasies with no basis in reality, such as policy pledges at the Labour conference.

Absolutely LOVE the Chuckle and Dave gag! You were robbed!

J x