British Comedy Guide

NEWSJACK REJECTS - AUTUMN 2018 Page 7

Avatar

B T F

  • Thursday 18th October 2018, 9:19pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: electronat @ 18th October 2018, 9:16 PM

Thanks for the feedback BTF!

What about this...

A Canadian politician this week claimed that the crucifix is 'not a religious symbol', before reading a story from his favourite book about the crazy old man who lives in the sky.

Also, how did you fare this week? Any luck?

No. I never have luck. Not a snifter over 4 series. Never mind. It is fun to be creative. Thanks for asking. Yes I like this joke.

Avatar

Kenny Bania

  • Thursday 18th October 2018, 9:40pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts

My no-gooders this week

As you can see I had a lot resting on Patisserie Valerie

Newsjackipedia

Saudi Consulate of Istanbul - The new name for the Bermuda triangle
Patisserie Valerie - The presenter who makes all the cakes on Blue Peter

BNs

Following a cash injection into the business, customers of Patisserie Valerie have complained about finding coins in some of the cakes

A woman who spent £16 million in Harrods was involved in a lengthy stand-off, after she refused to pay 5p for a carrier bag

A drug driver has been arrested after failing to spell a false name he gave when stopped. Police said they were surprised he didn't think of an easier name to spell than Xavier Cholmondely-Delevingne

Avatar

B T F

  • Thursday 18th October 2018, 10:14pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 18th October 2018, 9:40 PM

My no-gooders this week

As you can see I had a lot resting on Patisserie Valerie

Newsjackipedia

Saudi Consulate of Istanbul - The new name for the Bermuda triangle
Patisserie Valerie - The presenter who makes all the cakes on Blue Peter

BNs

Following a cash injection into the business, customers of Patisserie Valerie have complained about finding coins in some of the cakes

A woman who spent £16 million in Harrods was involved in a lengthy stand-off, after she refused to pay 5p for a carrier bag

A drug driver has been arrested after failing to spell a false name he gave when stopped. Police said they were surprised he didn't think of an easier name to spell than Xavier Cholmondely-Delevingne

I thought they were all good. I was trying to do a patisserie one but gave up so this is good.

Avatar

Kenny Bania

  • Thursday 18th October 2018, 10:17pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts

I also managed a sketch - a rare event. Would particularly welcome any thoughts on this :

Angela : Last week a bakery had their appeal upheld in the high court after they refused to decorate with the words 'support gay marriage'. I love cake and the more iced letters the better. I always ask for 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocius' on mine. Twice if possible. But if one of our political leaders took over a bakery would they decorate with whatever is requested ? Over to the Corbyn Bakery

FX ( 'Ding' as door opens and customer enters )

Jeremy Corbyn Good Morning. Welcome to the Corbyn Bakery. Your message is our message - as long as we agree in principle

Customer 1 Aren't you Jeremy Corbyn ? What happened to May and Hammond the austerity bakers ?

JC Went bust, I'm afraid - and apparently austerity is over. But don't worry we've fulfilled all outstanding orders. Do
you have your ticket ?

FX ( rustling noise )

JC Thanks ( locates cake ) There you go ( senses problem as customer inspects cake ) Everything ok ? Needs more
jam ? I've got plenty of jam. It's very good, made from my allotment fruit

Customer 1 ( inspecting cake ) This says 'Love is....'

JC I know.......you old softy

Customer 1 But I asked for 'Love Israel '

JC We ran out of a few letters

Customer 1 My ticket is 17. Can I ask - out of interest, what was on the next cake you baked ?

JC Ermmm.....Here we are, 18....for a child's football party. Real Madrid

Customer 1 But the word 'Real' - they're the same four letters that appear at the end of Israel

JC Yes, but in a slightly different order - and, of course, it took priority as Real begins with a capital

Customer 1 I thought it was Mr McDonnell who was a fan of Das Kapital

FX ( Ding as new customer enters )

Customer 2 Can I collect this please ?

FX ( more rustling )

JC ( handing cake over ).......a football fan, if I'm not mistaken

Customer 2 ( reads from cake ) We need a 2nd ref......

JC One's never enough, I find, what with all the diving....

Customer 2 But I paid for it to read ' We need a 2nd referendum '

JC Ran out of space, I'm afraid

Customer 2 Only because the number 2 in 2nd is so massive

JC Oh that'll be the cake decorator, Ms Abbott, she gets so confused with the size of her numbers

FX ( phone rings )

JC Excuse me a minute.......'Good morning, Corbyn Bakery......you'd like a cake in the shape of Northern Ireland........
Yes of course we can do that..............Yes, I understand, plenty of icing around the edge of the cake.........but can I
just check - would you like a hard or soft border ?'

END

Avatar

B T F

  • Thursday 18th October 2018, 11:37pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 18th October 2018, 10:17 PM

I also managed a sketch - a rare event. Would particularly welcome any thoughts on this :

Angela : Last week a bakery had their appeal upheld in the high court after they refused to decorate with the words 'support gay marriage'. I love cake and the more iced letters the better. I always ask for 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocius' on mine. Twice if possible. But if one of our political leaders took over a bakery would they decorate with whatever is requested ? Over to the Corbyn Bakery

FX ( 'Ding' as door opens and customer enters )

Jeremy Corbyn Good Morning. Welcome to the Corbyn Bakery. Your message is our message - as long as we agree in principle

Customer 1 Aren't you Jeremy Corbyn ? What happened to May and Hammond the austerity bakers ?

JC Went bust, I'm afraid - and apparently austerity is over. But don't worry we've fulfilled all outstanding orders. Do
you have your ticket ?

FX ( rustling noise )

JC Thanks ( locates cake ) There you go ( senses problem as customer inspects cake ) Everything ok ? Needs more
jam ? I've got plenty of jam. It's very good, made from my allotment fruit

Customer 1 ( inspecting cake ) This says 'Love is....'

JC I know.......you old softy

Customer 1 But I asked for 'Love Israel '

JC We ran out of a few letters

Customer 1 My ticket is 17. Can I ask - out of interest, what was on the next cake you baked ?

JC Ermmm.....Here we are, 18....for a child's football party. Real Madrid

Customer 1 But the word 'Real' - they're the same four letters that appear at the end of Israel

JC Yes, but in a slightly different order - and, of course, it took priority as Real begins with a capital

Customer 1 I thought it was Mr McDonnell who was a fan of Das Kapital

FX ( Ding as new customer enters )

Customer 2 Can I collect this please ?

FX ( more rustling )

JC ( handing cake over ).......a football fan, if I'm not mistaken

Customer 2 ( reads from cake ) We need a 2nd ref......

JC One's never enough, I find, what with all the diving....

Customer 2 But I paid for it to read ' We need a 2nd referendum '

JC Ran out of space, I'm afraid

Customer 2 Only because the number 2 in 2nd is so massive

JC Oh that'll be the cake decorator, Ms Abbott, she gets so confused with the size of her numbers

FX ( phone rings )

JC Excuse me a minute.......'Good morning, Corbyn Bakery......you'd like a cake in the shape of Northern Ireland........
Yes of course we can do that..............Yes, I understand, plenty of icing around the edge of the cake.........but can I
just check - would you like a hard or soft border ?'

END

Personally, I really liked this.

Avatar

electronat

  • Friday 19th October 2018, 6:59am
  • Whitley Bay, United Kingdom
  • 19 posts
Quote: Donny Afternoon @ 19th October 2018, 3:38 AM

I like the teabagging joke electronaut.

Cheers!

Avatar

Kenny Bania

  • Friday 19th October 2018, 8:13am
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts
Quote: B T F @ 18th October 2018, 11:37 PM

Personally, I really liked this.

Thanks for both lots of feedback BTF

Any chance you can get on the selection panel next series ?

Avatar

B T F

  • Friday 19th October 2018, 8:47am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts

Probably a good chance Kenny Bania. I just have to wander the corridors at the right time on a Monday and make the tea.

Only joking, StevenM:D

Avatar

B T F

  • Friday 19th October 2018, 9:03am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: electronat @ 18th October 2018, 9:06 PM

I'll start us off with this week's rejects... well done if anyone got in! Here are my failed efforts...

1. A Canadian politician has sparked outrage this week by claiming that the crucifix is 'not a religious symbol', before reading everyone a story from his favourite book about the adventures of a crazy old man who lives in the sky.

2. A study has suggested that men who drink two cups of coffee a day could double their chance of becoming a father. "It all makes sense now", said dad-of-nine, Maxwell House.

NOTE: The next joke is not a repeat! It has a different punchline...

3. A study has suggested that men who drink two cups of coffee a day could double their chance of becoming a father and in a related study the opposite was found for tea-bagging.

I wonder if the NJ person who scanned your jokes didn't know what teabagging meant? Or maybe thought the audience wouldn't know. Hard..to say. Good joke though.

Avatar

Kenny Bania

  • Friday 19th October 2018, 9:44am
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts
Quote: B T F @ 19th October 2018, 9:03 AM

I wonder if the NJ person who scanned your jokes didn't know what teabagging meant? Or maybe thought the audience wouldn't know. Hard..to say. Good joke though.

I didn't know - just had to look it up
( I've lead a very sheltered life )

Avatar

B T F

  • Friday 19th October 2018, 10:10am
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 19th October 2018, 9:44 AM

I didn't know - just had to look it up
( I've lead a very sheltered life )

I had to google it too. Which made me think.

Avatar

Kenny Bania

  • Friday 19th October 2018, 10:12am
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts

Made me think 'don't really fancy the sound of that '

Avatar

B T F

  • Friday 19th October 2018, 1:00pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 19th October 2018, 10:12 AM

Made me think 'don't really fancy the sound of that '

No. Agree. Gross!

Avatar

Rood Eye

  • Friday 19th October 2018, 11:41pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 4,103 posts
Quote: electronat @ 18th October 2018, 9:06 PM

3. A study has suggested that men who drink two cups of coffee a day could double their chance of becoming a father and in a related study the opposite was found for tea-bagging.

I think this joke was probably rejected because it makes no sense.

If one study finds that men who drink two cups of coffee a day could double their chances of becoming a father and another study finds the opposite, just what are we to understand by "the opposite"? The English language does not have a word or a phrase which means the opposite of "double".

Even if we take the general meaning of the joke that drinking two cups of coffee a day increases the chances of becoming a father whereas tea bagging reduces the chances, the latter is simply not true. There is absolutely no evidence (as far as I know) that men who are into tea bagging are less likely to become fathers than those who are not.

Whichever way you look at it, the joke doesn't work. :(

If you want a good joke in a similar vein you might try:

A study has suggested that men who drink two cups of coffee a day significantly increase their chance of becoming a father. In a related study, the opposite was found for men who preferred a cup of tea (BEAT) to having sex.