British Comedy Guide

NEWSJACK REJECTS - AUTUMN 2018 Page 4

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 5th October 2018, 2:46pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts
Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ 4th October 2018, 4:15 PM

You really are a Silly Sausage

Hey Teddy - your umbrella twirling is the best, Teddy, the best

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electronat

  • Friday 5th October 2018, 7:18pm
  • Whitley Bay, United Kingdom
  • 19 posts

Just found this forum and joined... been sending into Newsjack since last series. Got one one-liner into last series but nothing so far this one - here are a few that didn't get chosen. Love to hear what people think.

Neuroscientists investigating the effects of MDMA on octopuses have discovered the world's greatest cuddlers.

In Manchester a band's tour bus has been turned into a mobile homeless shelter. No... wait... that's just the drummer.

This week saw the launch of a sex robot who talks back. "It's almost like having sex with a real person", said the sex robot.

I've also got a few sketches if folks are interested?

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B T F

  • Friday 5th October 2018, 7:40pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Laurence Doherty @ 5th October 2018, 8:04 AM

Guess I should stop refreshing my inbox now that the latest show has broadcast :(

I'm so glad this thread exists.

Here are my (sniff!) rejects for this (choke) week...

Breaking News

?1. Kanye West has changed his name to 'Ye', using the last letters of his first name. But could this work for other celebrities? Rod Stewart would be 'Odd', Gerard Butler would be 'Ard' and Piers Morgan would be 'Arse'. So the answer is yes!

2.?Sports Personality of the year nominees will be announced on the night for the first time. The event will also introduce a new category. The '100 metre dash from the pub around the corner if my name is called because there's no way I'm sitting in there for four hours for nothing!'

Newsjackapedia

- 'Musk' - the unmistakable burning smell of a 40 million dollar tweet.

Maybe first two a little long? I really liked the Musk one. I bet they got loads of Musk ones but I liked this one.

Quote: electronat @ 5th October 2018, 7:18 PM

Just found this forum and joined... been sending into Newsjack since last series. Got one one-liner into last series but nothing so far this one - here are a few that didn't get chosen. Love to hear what people think.

Neuroscientists investigating the effects of MDMA on octopuses have discovered the world's greatest cuddlers.

In Manchester a band's tour bus has been turned into a mobile homeless shelter. No... wait... that's just the drummer.

This week saw the launch of a sex robot who talks back. "It's almost like having sex with a real person", said the sex robot.

I've also got a few sketches if folks are interested?

I liked your sex robot one. Sketches are always interesting to read.

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B T F

  • Friday 5th October 2018, 8:21pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Patrick Robinson @ 4th October 2018, 11:23 PM

Hi all. No joy for my Beckham sketch this week. Feedback appreciated, Patrick.

Andrea's introduction:

This week, David Beckham escaped a motoring offence due to a technicality in the law. Being married to Posh Spice means the Beckhams have probably got enough criminal records in the family already. But David Beckham is only the most recent case in a long line of football offenders, perhaps it's time for a specialist law firm in the area.............

Sketch: needs a David Beckham impression and some other accents.

SFX: Phone ringing. Click for phone answered.

David Beckham: Hello. You're through to "Bend it like Beckham" lawyers, specialising in the legal support of footballers. How can we help?
Joey Barton (scouse accent): Alright? Joey Barton here. Do you help with old cases?
DB: Sure.
JB: In 2008 I was found guilty of assault and affray. Can I have my case reviewed?
DB: Well it's hard to help on cases that have been completed.
JB: No, I mean reviewed, like scored out of ten. There must be CCTV footage that pundits can replay and analyse.

SFX: Phone ringing. Click for phone answered.

DB: Hello. "Bend it like Beckham" lawyers, expert help with penalties.
Caller 2; Hi, I was driving my car while over the alcohol limit. I've lost my license and have to do 120 hours of unpaid work. And I just don't understand it.
DB: Well that does sound a typical sentence for that offence.
Caller 2: Oh yeah, I know. It's just the unpaid work: What exactly is "work"? Is that when you do a photo shoot for a new brand of underwear? Can I get my P.A to do it?

SFX: Phone ringing. Click for phone answered.

DB: Hello. "Bend it like Beckham" lawyers. Your best first touch starts with us.
Caller 3: Hi, can I report crimes here?
DB: Sure. What's the issue?
Caller 3: We'll, I'm suspicious that my football club is employing child labour.
DB: What evidence do you have?
Caller 3: Well, the manager keeps saying that when we lose it's due to "school boy errors". From what I have heard, the poor blighters havn't even got proper kit: the boss said they played so hard the other day that they ran their socks off.

SFX: Phone ringing. Click for phone answered.

DB: Hi, Bend it like Beckham lawyers. Free kit bag for every returning client. (Except John Terry: he's already got six).
Caller 4: Hi. I'm a centre forward for Burnley and I think Gary Linekar is denying my constitutional rights.
DB: He's always doing that. What's the detail?
Caller 4: Well I scored an unbelievable goal against Bouremouth and on Match of the Day, Lineker said I had no right to score from that position?

SFX: Phone ringing. Click for phone answered.

DB: Hi, Bend it like Beckham lawyers.
Lionel Messi (Argentinian accent): Urrrm, yes, hello. I need legal assistance. Can I remain anonymous?
DB: Yes, of course. We fully
respect lawyer-client confidentiality. What's the situation?
Messi: I was found guilty of tax fraud in 2016. My father and I were both charged.
DB: Sounds messy......
Messi: Hey! I thought you said I'd be anonymous.
SFX: phone gets hung up.

END

Hi I think it should be 'Angela's introduction'. I thought the joke in the intro was funny. You could maybe cut some sentences down? Eg. you maybe don't need to say 'specialising in the legal support of footballers. How can we help'. Caller 2 could say 'I've been done for drink-driving'.
I like the play on Messi but I wonder if it could do with more of a punchline - maybe a punchline to do with Beckham. Maybe a caller could be specifically made a woman footballer though you left the gender open with three callers.

Quote: Donny Afternoon @ 5th October 2018, 3:48 AM

I like these. The first two are a little long though, in my opinion. Number 2 I'd reduce to "Archbishop Justin Welby has vowed to cut all ties between the Church of England and Amazon, just as soon as he's finished watching the latest series of Mr Robot."

Here's the stuff I sent:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. JK Rowling has come under fire for lack of diversity in her casting, as she continues to favour spells and hexes over incantations.
2. A skull-shaped comet is set to pass the earth after being separated from a celestial body.
3. Kanye West wants people to simply call him Ye, as it's shorter than 'that deluded rapper who appears to have mental health issues'.

NEWSJACKPEDIA:
1. Lohanning Fruit: A celebrity that is so easy to make jokes about that it's not even worth it.
2. Second Stairway To Heaven Trial: A blatant rip-off of the original Stairway To Heaven trial.
3. International Debromancy: When world leaders eschew traditional politics and opt to woo each other like star crossed-lovers from 19th century fiction.

I can imagine the first breaking news on the show.

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B T F

  • Friday 5th October 2018, 9:10pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 5th October 2018, 12:14 PM

Some of my own submits this week :

NJS
1. Oyez Oyez* - A Cry that announces the arrival of Mr Kim Kardashian
2. The Cry - Loud uncontrolled sobbing now that Bodyguard is over

BNs
1. Welsh dental patients who face a 90 mile round trip to see and NHS dentist have been told that it might be quicker and cheaper to travel by water - in what has become known as the 'route canal' option
2. David Beckham has been caught in a compromising position in a Trust House hotel room, and has been accused of doing a 69 in a Forte

All thoughts most welcome but being self critical, I still like 1 ( if a tad long ) but 2 the first line isn't genuine news - i just fancied having a go at Beckham ( Don't think Trust House Hotels exist anymore, )

Re my 1* newsjackipedia is he now commonly known as Ye as in Yay or as in Yee

I like number 1. Like you say, maybe a tad shorter eg. Welsh patients, facing a 90 mile trip for an NHS dentist, have been told it's cheaper to travel by water - the 'route canal' option.

Quote: sillysausage @ 4th October 2018, 3:50 PM

You're too kind. I was going to offer it to News Revue instead but I forgot.

That was a good joke. The Treason Show are doing a show on October 12th.

Quote: Laurence Doherty @ 5th October 2018, 9:04 AM

And? here is my rejected sketch which I was really happy with. They had a very similar sketch on this week's show actually.

TRUMP-SPEARE IN LOVE

1. EXPO: ?During a recent rally in West Virginia, Donald Trump told a partisan crowd that he and the North Korean leader Kim Jong-un had fallen in love while exchanging letters. But what happened in those letters? Maybe Trump's secret diary will tell us...

2. GRAMS: ?STAR SPANGLED BANNER

3. TRUMP: ???Thirteenth of June 2017. Did you miss me diary? I'm back from North Korea! What a trip. It was a triumph. We showed him diary! Little Rocket man will think twice before trying to pull a fast one on us again! He is a wonder that boy. Oh dairy! I really am the best president ever. Note to self. I must find out who does Kim's hair. It's breathless.

4. BEAT:

5. TRUMP: ???Twentieth of June 2017. Guess what Diary? He wrote to me! I ?know! An actual letter. And you know Diary? It's not just what he said. It's the way he said it. The scented paper. The graceful ?sweep of his handwriting. The tiny little picture of him in the ?corner of the envelope. If I was the kind of guy who fell for flattery I could be in trouble. But I'm a humble guy diary. Fox News even said so. I'm the humbliest guy I know. Maybe in history. Make a note diary. On my Monument I want 'Here lies the humbliest guy who ever lived' written in big lighty up gold letters. Well that's another day's work done. This president stuff is easy peasy! And if little Rocket man thinks I'll lose any sleep over his delightful letter he is kidding his little squeezey nose. Night Night Diary!

6. FX: ???NIGHT TIME SOUNDS (Crickets, Owls, Car sounds etc)

7. TRUMP: ???Four AM. I can't sleep diary. I'm dizzy with every word in ?Kimmy's letter. I'm drunk with the thought of dancing hand-in-hand with Kimmy Wimmy through his state controlled rice farms, waving at the collective farmers. I've been up all night trying to write back but my crayons keep breaking. Drawing a self portrait is hard diary! I've run out of orange already. Oh Kimmy. What have you done to me, you crazy delicious despot you!

8. GRAMS:???TITANIC THEME TUNE

9. TRUMP: ???Fourth of July. It's Independence Day diary. But is it? Oh Kim'eo, Kim'eo. Where for the heck are you Kim'eo. (Take a note Diary. Shakespeare is easy too. Maybe I should buy England? I hear Teresa is sticking it on eBay soon). Stop distracting me diary! ?Can't you see I'm in pain? My little Rocket man hasn't written back. I've promised him everything. I even wrapped up Hawaii in a bow for him but that wasn't enough. Is it me? Forget Independence Day. I depend on you my Kimmy Wimmy. I want to run my fingers through your impossibly slick hair. I want to stare in to your little baby shark eyes. Oh Kimmy. I give up. If I can't have you, no one can.

10. ROBOTIC VOICE : ?Missile strike on North Korea activated. Press the big red button to launch.

11. TRUMP : ???Goodbye my crazy, beautiful little Rocket Man. Oh Goody. I've always wanted to press this...

12. FX : ???ROCKET LAUNCH NOISE

13. FX: ???EXPLOSION

Some good stuff in here. It might be good to have a joke in the intro? You could maybe cut down the dates as they will be wordy to say. Eg say 'June 20'. Maybe you could break up the monologue with another voice. There could possibly be too many words in the speech of Trump but then they will cut it down if they like it. As it has Shakespeare in the title you could maybe work Shakespeare in more to the jokes. Could maybe cut out some more obvious words Eg could say 'missile strike activated. Ready to launch.' Also, there is nothing wrong with crayon jokes and orange jokes but I imagine that they must see a lot of those type of gags. Thanks for posting. Interesting to read.

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electronat

  • Friday 5th October 2018, 9:25pm
  • Whitley Bay, United Kingdom
  • 19 posts

Here's a sketch, good people...

STICKS AND STONES

1. ANGELA: Not a day goes by without news of the pressures facing teachers. I can't even imagine what the stress must be like of having to find something to do for those 13 weeks of holiday each year. But after an article in this week's Guardian drew my attention to the bad deal Supply Teachers are getting, I couldn't help but wonder if some of them aren't bringing it upon themselves.

2. GRAMS: Office background noises.

3. RECRUITER: OK, thanks for your interest in our agency. If I can just take a few details for your application, Mister...?

4. JOHN: Smallcock. John Smallcock.

5. RECRUITER: And, they, er, didn't mention anything about that during teacher training?

6. JOHN: About what?

7. RECRUITER: Your name.

8. JOHN: What's to mention?

9. RECRUITER: I don't know. A warning maybe? Because it's...

10. JOHN: Common? I suppose there are a few of us Johns, yes, and it can get a bit confusing in the staffroom, but...

11. RECRUITER: I was thinking more about the other 'part'.

12. JOHN: Oh, that. I thought it'd serve as a good ice breaker. What with it being quite unusual.

13. RECRUITER: And have you broken much ice with it?

14. JOHN: It's actually proving to be more of a hindrance than a help, really. I didn't realise quite how much I'd have to introduce myself.

15. RECRUITER: Moving from school to school you mean?

16. JOHN: No, it's more that the kids always seem to be forgetting it.

17. RECRUITER: Really?

18. JOHN: So, I've taken to starting the day by just writing it up there on the board. Nice and big, right behind me with an arrow pointing in my direction. But even that doesn't help. I still get asked to repeat it all day.

19. RECRUITER: I can't think why.

20. JOHN: It's very distracting. Makes me think I'd have been better off just sticking with my real name.

21. RECRUITER: Which was?

22. JOHN: Willy Gobbledick.

END.

And another...

GUNS DON'T CHILL PEOPLE

1. ANGELA: As American gun manufacturers rally to argue their case that 'guns don't kill people' and that, even if they do, it's definitely nothing to do with the people who make those guns, one company has come up with an interesting way to deflect attention.

2. GRAMS: Office background noises.

3. GUN CEO: OK, guys, here's the deal, it's getting tricky for us out there and I think one of the problems is that our products sound a little bit scary.

4. GUN PR 1: So you want us to what?

5. GUN CEO: Jesus Christ, Ingrid, are you Head of the Marketing Department or the freakin' Kindergarten?

6. GUN PR 1: Well, I'm unarmed, so I'm guessing the Marketing Department.

7. GUN CEO: I want you to come up with softer... 'gentler' names. I mean, AK-47 doesn't exactly sound very 'family friendly'.

8. GUN PR 1: An AK-47 isn't.

9. GUN CEO: And with that kind of attitude it never will be! So, I'll start throwing out names and you start firing back alternatives. Rifle!

10. GUN PR 2: Boom boom stick.

11. GUN CEO: Awesome! Shotgun.

12. GUN PR 2: Big boom boom stick!

13. GUN CEO: Oustanding! Handgun.

14. GUN PR 2: Mini boom boom stick.

15. GUN CEO: OK, enough with the boom boom sticks, try again. Handgun!

16. GUN PR 2: Fingerblaster?

17. GUN CEO: Amazing. I can see this spreading like napalm!

18. GUN PR 1: Do you even know what fingerblaster means?

19. GUN CEO: I don't need to know what it means, just throw some kittens into the mix and it'll go viral. Lets keep it moving people. Uzi!.

20. GUN PR 2: Scatterbrain.

21. DAVID: You guys are knocking it out of the park. OK, lets break for coffee... wait, who's that coming into reception, is that Henry? He sure looks pissed off about something... oh, shit, he's got a rib-tickler... get down!

END.

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B T F

  • Friday 5th October 2018, 9:29pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts

Electronat
I thought the Willy Gobbledick one was funny. The gun one is interesting..It might be nice to have a different joke after the first or second boom boom stick but that is just a personal thing. I like the ending. They are not too wordy or too long. Maybe if the joke at the end is that he has a gun which is being referred to as a rib-tickler it would have more effect if rib-tickler is introduced in the sketch before it is put in the ending.

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Laurence Doherty

  • Friday 5th October 2018, 11:28pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 6 posts

Thanks for the feedback everyone. Really helpful.

Right... back to the grindstone.

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electronat

  • Saturday 6th October 2018, 9:37am
  • Whitley Bay, United Kingdom
  • 19 posts
Quote: B T F @ 5th October 2018, 9:29 PM

Electronat
I thought the Willy Gobbledick one was funny. The gun one is interesting..It might be nice to have a different joke after the first or second boom boom stick but that is just a personal thing. I like the ending. They are not too wordy or too long. Maybe if the joke at the end is that he has a gun which is being referred to as a rib-tickler it would have more effect if rib-tickler is introduced in the sketch before it is put in the ending.

Thanks for the feedback! Much appreciated and glad it got a laugh...

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B T F

  • Saturday 6th October 2018, 7:39pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Laurence Doherty @ 5th October 2018, 9:04 AM

And? here is my rejected sketch which I was really happy with. They had a very similar sketch on this week's show actually.

TRUMP-SPEARE IN LOVE

1. EXPO: ?During a recent rally in West Virginia, Donald Trump told a partisan crowd that he and the North Korean leader Kim Jong-un had fallen in love while exchanging letters. But what happened in those letters? Maybe Trump's secret diary will tell us...

2. GRAMS: ?STAR SPANGLED BANNER

3. TRUMP: ???Thirteenth of June 2017. Did you miss me diary? I'm back from North Korea! What a trip. It was a triumph. We showed him diary! Little Rocket man will think twice before trying to pull a fast one on us again! He is a wonder that boy. Oh dairy! I really am the best president ever. Note to self. I must find out who does Kim's hair. It's breathless.

4. BEAT:

5. TRUMP: ???Twentieth of June 2017. Guess what Diary? He wrote to me! I ?know! An actual letter. And you know Diary? It's not just what he said. It's the way he said it. The scented paper. The graceful ?sweep of his handwriting. The tiny little picture of him in the ?corner of the envelope. If I was the kind of guy who fell for flattery I could be in trouble. But I'm a humble guy diary. Fox News even said so. I'm the humbliest guy I know. Maybe in history. Make a note diary. On my Monument I want 'Here lies the humbliest guy who ever lived' written in big lighty up gold letters. Well that's another day's work done. This president stuff is easy peasy! And if little Rocket man thinks I'll lose any sleep over his delightful letter he is kidding his little squeezey nose. Night Night Diary!

6. FX: ???NIGHT TIME SOUNDS (Crickets, Owls, Car sounds etc)

7. TRUMP: ???Four AM. I can't sleep diary. I'm dizzy with every word in ?Kimmy's letter. I'm drunk with the thought of dancing hand-in-hand with Kimmy Wimmy through his state controlled rice farms, waving at the collective farmers. I've been up all night trying to write back but my crayons keep breaking. Drawing a self portrait is hard diary! I've run out of orange already. Oh Kimmy. What have you done to me, you crazy delicious despot you!

8. GRAMS:???TITANIC THEME TUNE

9. TRUMP: ???Fourth of July. It's Independence Day diary. But is it? Oh Kim'eo, Kim'eo. Where for the heck are you Kim'eo. (Take a note Diary. Shakespeare is easy too. Maybe I should buy England? I hear Teresa is sticking it on eBay soon). Stop distracting me diary! ?Can't you see I'm in pain? My little Rocket man hasn't written back. I've promised him everything. I even wrapped up Hawaii in a bow for him but that wasn't enough. Is it me? Forget Independence Day. I depend on you my Kimmy Wimmy. I want to run my fingers through your impossibly slick hair. I want to stare in to your little baby shark eyes. Oh Kimmy. I give up. If I can't have you, no one can.

10. ROBOTIC VOICE : ?Missile strike on North Korea activated. Press the big red button to launch.

11. TRUMP : ???Goodbye my crazy, beautiful little Rocket Man. Oh Goody. I've always wanted to press this...

12. FX : ???ROCKET LAUNCH NOISE

13. FX: ???EXPLOSION

I just listened to the latest episode and the Trump one was very similar to this sketch, I agree.

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Sunday 7th October 2018, 8:29am [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,190 posts

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Kenny Bania
Friday 5th October 2018, 2:46pm
United Kingdom
29 posts
Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ 4th October 2018, 4:15 PM
You really are a Silly Sausage

Hey Teddy - your umbrella twirling is the best, Teddy, the best

Thanks Kenny , I not only invented the twirl but I also know how old Aunt Baby was when she died and host or other insighfs

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Laurence Doherty

  • Sunday 7th October 2018, 3:24pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 6 posts
Quote: B T F @ 6th October 2018, 7:39 PM

I just listened to the latest episode and the Trump one was very similar to this sketch, I agree.

I know! It did smart a bit :(

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electronat

  • Thursday 11th October 2018, 6:01pm
  • Whitley Bay, United Kingdom
  • 19 posts

Ah, the emails are out and yet again not a peep for me...! Here's what didn't make it:

ONELINERS

1. An NHS supplier that failed to dispose of amputated body parts is facing criminal investigation. When questioned they immediately held their hands up.

2. Artificial Intelligence could bring an end to famine, claims World Bank president Jim Yong Kim, because food will become obsolete after the robot apocalypse.

AND MY SKETCH...

ROCK AND ROLL PHD

1. ANGELA: This week it's been reported that UK Universities are looking to hire 'superstar' professors to boost their rankings. Does this mean that Dr Dre's latest album now attracts UCAS points? And will the BBC be launching Top of the Profs? Let's hope that this new superstar status doesn't go to their egg-heads.

2. FX: HELICOPTER LANDING

3. DEAN: (SHOUTING OVER HELICOPTER) Ah, here he is now... our brand new signing, Professor O'Shea, welcome, I'm the Dean of...

4. BODYGUARD: Not so fast. If you could just step back behind the line there, sir.

5. DEAN: Who are you?

6. BODYGUARD: Head of Security for 'The Shizzle'.

7. DEAN: The Shizzle?

8. BODYGUARD: It's his new lectern name. MC Shizzle Phd.

9. DEAN: Oh, OK.. I guess we'll need to change the sign on his office door then.

10. BODYGUARD: Office? I think you mean Dressing Room? With a walk-in wardrobe for his designer ermine robes. And they'll need to be embroidered with his name, too. In diamonds.

11. DEAN: Erm... the other academic staff don't have...

12. BODYGUARD: Do the other academic staff have a platinum-selling thesis...?

13. DEAN: No, I don't suppose they do... So how do I spell Shizzle?

14. BODYGUARD: You don't. It's a symbol he made up. It looks a bit like E=MC2... only cleverer.

15. DEAN: Cleverer than E=MC2?

16. BODYGUARD: Are you questioning the wisdom of The Shizzdom?

17. DEAN: No, no. Of course not.

18. BODYGUARD: Good, now on to the rest of his rider?

19. DEAN: His rider?

20. BODYGUARD: 20 white kittens, 10 white doves, 5 white puppies...

21. DEAN: And a partridge in a pear tree?

22. BODYGUARD: WHat? No, he hates pears. Too pretentious.

23. DEAN: Of course they are, sorry.

24. BODYGUARD: And he's going to need a TV.

25. DEAN: Actually, the lecture theatre comes installed with a rear-mounted projection system.

26. BODYGUARD: How's he going to throw a rear-mounted projection system out of the window?

27. DEAN: Er... he's not?

28. BODYGUARD: And the front five rows are for his entourage and VIP's only. No exceptions.

29. DEAN: Does that include me?

30. BODYGUARD: Big fan are you?

31. DEAN: Well, I was quite impressed with his theory of thermal dynamics.

32. BODYGUARD: Yeah, that's my favourite, too and they say the second thesis is the hardest to write. Pity the critics thought it was derivative. 2 stars in New Scientist yet Tim Berners Lee gets 5 every time because his research makes it easier to look at mucky pictures.

33. DEAN: So is that everything?

34. BODYGUARD: No, the most important thing is that no-one, under any circumstances is to look at His Shizzleness directly.

35. DEAN: What about the students?

36. BODYGUARD: Especially them. And he won't be taking questions either.

37. DEAN: Well, I suppose that's the price we pay for genius, eh? OK, so I just need a quick signature on his contract.

38. BODYGUARD: Sorry pal... No autographs.

END.

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Auditchris

  • Thursday 11th October 2018, 9:42pm
  • Tunbridge Wells, United Kingdom
  • 135 posts

Here are some jokes you won't be hearing on the radio:

BREAKING NEWS:

The NHS is considering plans for GPs to see up to 15 patients simultaneously. Men are worried they'll be the one whose prostate gets examined by the big toe.

Cleaners at the House of Commons have complained about all the vomit and condoms they have to deal with. MPs have promised to control themselves during Prime Minister's Questions.

A fifty year old washing up liquid bottle has been found on a beach in Somerset. Its relatives have been informed.

NEWSJACKIPEDIA:

Nelson: What Nelson's Column will be called when global warming causes London to sink.

Sickness and diarrhoea: How Tesco customers can tell if the fruit and veg they've bought is out of date.

Refresh: What people going to Glastonbury had to keep doing to their computer screens to buy tickets but what they won't be doing to themselves when they get there.

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B T F

  • Thursday 11th October 2018, 11:40pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Auditchris @ 11th October 2018, 9:42 PM

Here are some jokes you won't be hearing on the radio:

BREAKING NEWS:

The NHS is considering plans for GPs to see up to 15 patients simultaneously. Men are worried they'll be the one whose prostate gets examined by the big toe.

Cleaners at the House of Commons have complained about all the vomit and condoms they have to deal with. MPs have promised to control themselves during Prime Minister's Questions.

A fifty year old washing up liquid bottle has been found on a beach in Somerset. Its relatives have been informed.

NEWSJACKIPEDIA:

Nelson: What Nelson's Column will be called when global warming causes London to sink.

Sickness and diarrhoea: How Tesco customers can tell if the fruit and veg they've bought is out of date.

Refresh: What people going to Glastonbury had to keep doing to their computer screens to buy tickets but what they won't be doing to themselves when they get there.

I liked the Nelson one best. Good idea for the last joke. I wondered if with 'refresh' you could also say maybe something like: refreshing - what Glastonbury festival-goers kept doing to their screens to buy tickets but what they won't smell like after one day there. I could be talking claptrap though.

Here are my Njps I recall:

'What Not To Snog' - a new show with Susannah Constantine and Katya Jones.

Food banksy - art work created by Walkers crisps new recycling policy.

Jazz Hands - alternative applause not practised at RNIB events.