British Comedy Guide

NEWSJACK REJECTS - AUTUMN 2018 Page 3

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Mikey Jackson

  • Tuesday 2nd October 2018, 7:48pm
  • Worthing, West Sussex, England
  • 2,807 posts

2. After one mother's story this week; "I gave birth and got Hepatitis C", we ask has the fad for unusual children's names gone too far?

This one really tickled me. :)

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Chris Hallam

  • Wednesday 3rd October 2018, 3:49pm
  • Exeter, United Kingdom
  • 506 posts

One liners rejected from last week. Any thoughts?
1. As part of Blue Peter's 60th anniversary celebrations, the BBC has announced plans to digitise every past episode of the show. They were unsure whether to do so at first, but decided they had avoided the elephant in the room for long enough.
2. Archbishop Justin Welby has vowed to cut all ties between the Church of England and Amazon. He has also pledged to cancel his own Amazon Prime account, just as soon as he's finished watching the latest series of Mr Robot.
3. Sales of laxatives may be restricted following a government investigation. Market experts predict a sudden rush before the bottom falls out of the market.

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Thursday 4th October 2018, 3:38pm
  • Everton, England
  • 3,190 posts

Silly Sausage
Chuckle and Dave: A hastily formed new double act that keep dropping their pianos.
That was inspired topical and funny so I can only presume it was overlooked somehow as it would have been the line of the show

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sillysausage

  • Thursday 4th October 2018, 3:50pm
  • Derbyshire, England
  • 93 posts

You're too kind. I was going to offer it to News Revue instead but I forgot.

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Patrick Robinson

  • Thursday 4th October 2018, 11:23pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 141 posts

Hi all. No joy for my Beckham sketch this week. Feedback appreciated, Patrick.

Andrea's introduction:

This week, David Beckham escaped a motoring offence due to a technicality in the law. Being married to Posh Spice means the Beckhams have probably got enough criminal records in the family already. But David Beckham is only the most recent case in a long line of football offenders, perhaps it's time for a specialist law firm in the area.............

Sketch: needs a David Beckham impression and some other accents.

SFX: Phone ringing. Click for phone answered.

David Beckham: Hello. You're through to "Bend it like Beckham" lawyers, specialising in the legal support of footballers. How can we help?
Joey Barton (scouse accent): Alright? Joey Barton here. Do you help with old cases?
DB: Sure.
JB: In 2008 I was found guilty of assault and affray. Can I have my case reviewed?
DB: Well it's hard to help on cases that have been completed.
JB: No, I mean reviewed, like scored out of ten. There must be CCTV footage that pundits can replay and analyse.

SFX: Phone ringing. Click for phone answered.

DB: Hello. "Bend it like Beckham" lawyers, expert help with penalties.
Caller 2; Hi, I was driving my car while over the alcohol limit. I've lost my license and have to do 120 hours of unpaid work. And I just don't understand it.
DB: Well that does sound a typical sentence for that offence.
Caller 2: Oh yeah, I know. It's just the unpaid work: What exactly is "work"? Is that when you do a photo shoot for a new brand of underwear? Can I get my P.A to do it?

SFX: Phone ringing. Click for phone answered.

DB: Hello. "Bend it like Beckham" lawyers. Your best first touch starts with us.
Caller 3: Hi, can I report crimes here?
DB: Sure. What's the issue?
Caller 3: We'll, I'm suspicious that my football club is employing child labour.
DB: What evidence do you have?
Caller 3: Well, the manager keeps saying that when we lose it's due to "school boy errors". From what I have heard, the poor blighters havn't even got proper kit: the boss said they played so hard the other day that they ran their socks off.

SFX: Phone ringing. Click for phone answered.

DB: Hi, Bend it like Beckham lawyers. Free kit bag for every returning client. (Except John Terry: he's already got six).
Caller 4: Hi. I'm a centre forward for Burnley and I think Gary Linekar is denying my constitutional rights.
DB: He's always doing that. What's the detail?
Caller 4: Well I scored an unbelievable goal against Bouremouth and on Match of the Day, Lineker said I had no right to score from that position?

SFX: Phone ringing. Click for phone answered.

DB: Hi, Bend it like Beckham lawyers.
Lionel Messi (Argentinian accent): Urrrm, yes, hello. I need legal assistance. Can I remain anonymous?
DB: Yes, of course. We fully
respect lawyer-client confidentiality. What's the situation?
Messi: I was found guilty of tax fraud in 2016. My father and I were both charged.
DB: Sounds messy......
Messi: Hey! I thought you said I'd be anonymous.
SFX: phone gets hung up.

END

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Donny Afternoon

  • Friday 5th October 2018, 3:48am
  • England
  • 94 posts
Quote: Chris Hallam @ 3rd October 2018, 3:49 PM

One liners rejected from last week. Any thoughts?
1. As part of Blue Peter's 60th anniversary celebrations, the BBC has announced plans to digitise every past episode of the show. They were unsure whether to do so at first, but decided they had avoided the elephant in the room for long enough.
2. Archbishop Justin Welby has vowed to cut all ties between the Church of England and Amazon. He has also pledged to cancel his own Amazon Prime account, just as soon as he's finished watching the latest series of Mr Robot.
3. Sales of laxatives may be restricted following a government investigation. Market experts predict a sudden rush before the bottom falls out of the market.

I like these. The first two are a little long though, in my opinion. Number 2 I'd reduce to "Archbishop Justin Welby has vowed to cut all ties between the Church of England and Amazon, just as soon as he's finished watching the latest series of Mr Robot."

Here's the stuff I sent:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. JK Rowling has come under fire for lack of diversity in her casting, as she continues to favour spells and hexes over incantations.
2. A skull-shaped comet is set to pass the earth after being separated from a celestial body.
3. Kanye West wants people to simply call him Ye, as it's shorter than 'that deluded rapper who appears to have mental health issues'.

NEWSJACKPEDIA:
1. Lohanning Fruit: A celebrity that is so easy to make jokes about that it's not even worth it.
2. Second Stairway To Heaven Trial: A blatant rip-off of the original Stairway To Heaven trial.
3. International Debromancy: When world leaders eschew traditional politics and opt to woo each other like star crossed-lovers from 19th century fiction.

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Laurence Doherty

  • Friday 5th October 2018, 8:04am
  • United Kingdom
  • 6 posts

Guess I should stop refreshing my inbox now that the latest show has broadcast :(

I'm so glad this thread exists.

Here are my (sniff!) rejects for this (choke) week...

Breaking News

?1. Kanye West has changed his name to 'Ye', using the last letters of his first name. But could this work for other celebrities? Rod Stewart would be 'Odd', Gerard Butler would be 'Ard' and Piers Morgan would be 'Arse'. So the answer is yes!

2.?Sports Personality of the year nominees will be announced on the night for the first time. The event will also introduce a new category. The '100 metre dash from the pub around the corner if my name is called because there's no way I'm sitting in there for four hours for nothing!'

Newsjackapedia

- 'Musk' - the unmistakable burning smell of a 40 million dollar tweet.

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Laurence Doherty

  • Friday 5th October 2018, 9:04am
  • United Kingdom
  • 6 posts

And? here is my rejected sketch which I was really happy with. They had a very similar sketch on this week's show actually.

TRUMP-SPEARE IN LOVE

1. EXPO: ?During a recent rally in West Virginia, Donald Trump told a partisan crowd that he and the North Korean leader Kim Jong-un had fallen in love while exchanging letters. But what happened in those letters? Maybe Trump's secret diary will tell us...

2. GRAMS: ?STAR SPANGLED BANNER

3. TRUMP: ???Thirteenth of June 2017. Did you miss me diary? I'm back from North Korea! What a trip. It was a triumph. We showed him diary! Little Rocket man will think twice before trying to pull a fast one on us again! He is a wonder that boy. Oh dairy! I really am the best president ever. Note to self. I must find out who does Kim's hair. It's breathless.

4. BEAT:

5. TRUMP: ???Twentieth of June 2017. Guess what Diary? He wrote to me! I ?know! An actual letter. And you know Diary? It's not just what he said. It's the way he said it. The scented paper. The graceful ?sweep of his handwriting. The tiny little picture of him in the ?corner of the envelope. If I was the kind of guy who fell for flattery I could be in trouble. But I'm a humble guy diary. Fox News even said so. I'm the humbliest guy I know. Maybe in history. Make a note diary. On my Monument I want 'Here lies the humbliest guy who ever lived' written in big lighty up gold letters. Well that's another day's work done. This president stuff is easy peasy! And if little Rocket man thinks I'll lose any sleep over his delightful letter he is kidding his little squeezey nose. Night Night Diary!

6. FX: ???NIGHT TIME SOUNDS (Crickets, Owls, Car sounds etc)

7. TRUMP: ???Four AM. I can't sleep diary. I'm dizzy with every word in ?Kimmy's letter. I'm drunk with the thought of dancing hand-in-hand with Kimmy Wimmy through his state controlled rice farms, waving at the collective farmers. I've been up all night trying to write back but my crayons keep breaking. Drawing a self portrait is hard diary! I've run out of orange already. Oh Kimmy. What have you done to me, you crazy delicious despot you!

8. GRAMS:???TITANIC THEME TUNE

9. TRUMP: ???Fourth of July. It's Independence Day diary. But is it? Oh Kim'eo, Kim'eo. Where for the heck are you Kim'eo. (Take a note Diary. Shakespeare is easy too. Maybe I should buy England? I hear Teresa is sticking it on eBay soon). Stop distracting me diary! ?Can't you see I'm in pain? My little Rocket man hasn't written back. I've promised him everything. I even wrapped up Hawaii in a bow for him but that wasn't enough. Is it me? Forget Independence Day. I depend on you my Kimmy Wimmy. I want to run my fingers through your impossibly slick hair. I want to stare in to your little baby shark eyes. Oh Kimmy. I give up. If I can't have you, no one can.

10. ROBOTIC VOICE : ?Missile strike on North Korea activated. Press the big red button to launch.

11. TRUMP : ???Goodbye my crazy, beautiful little Rocket Man. Oh Goody. I've always wanted to press this...

12. FX : ???ROCKET LAUNCH NOISE

13. FX: ???EXPLOSION

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 5th October 2018, 12:02pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts
Quote: Laurence Doherty @ 5th October 2018, 8:04 AM

Guess I should stop refreshing my inbox now that the latest show has broadcast :(

I'm so glad this thread exists.

Here are my (sniff!) rejects for this (choke) week...

Breaking News

?1. Kanye West has changed his name to 'Ye', using the last letters of his first name. But could this work for other celebrities? Rod Stewart would be 'Odd', Gerard Butler would be 'Ard' and Piers Morgan would be 'Arse'. So the answer is yes!

2.?Sports Personality of the year nominees will be announced on the night for the first time. The event will also introduce a new category. The '100 metre dash from the pub around the corner if my name is called because there's no way I'm sitting in there for four hours for nothing!'

Newsjackapedia

- 'Musk' - the unmistakable burning smell of a 40 million dollar tweet.

Hi Laurence

Apologies - cocked up my reply to your original but :

1. ( Kanye West ) Maybe reads like an intro for a sketch rather than a one liner
2. ( Sports personalities ) Think could do with a shorter payoff line

Quote: Chris Hallam @ 3rd October 2018, 3:49 PM

One liners rejected from last week. Any thoughts?
1. As part of Blue Peter's 60th anniversary celebrations, the BBC has announced plans to digitise every past episode of the show. They were unsure whether to do so at first, but decided they had avoided the elephant in the room for long enough.
2. Archbishop Justin Welby has vowed to cut all ties between the Church of England and Amazon. He has also pledged to cancel his own Amazon Prime account, just as soon as he's finished watching the latest series of Mr Robot.
3. Sales of laxatives may be restricted following a government investigation. Market experts predict a sudden rush before the bottom falls out of the market.

Like number 3. The sort of one liner that makes it on some weeks, and sometimes not

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 5th October 2018, 12:14pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts

Some of my own submits this week :

NJS
1. Oyez Oyez* - A Cry that announces the arrival of Mr Kim Kardashian
2. The Cry - Loud uncontrolled sobbing now that Bodyguard is over

BNs
1. Welsh dental patients who face a 90 mile round trip to see and NHS dentist have been told that it might be quicker and cheaper to travel by water - in what has become known as the 'route canal' option
2. David Beckham has been caught in a compromising position in a Trust House hotel room, and has been accused of doing a 69 in a Forte

All thoughts most welcome but being self critical, I still like 1 ( if a tad long ) but 2 the first line isn't genuine news - i just fancied having a go at Beckham ( Don't think Trust House Hotels exist anymore, )

Re my 1* newsjackipedia is he now commonly known as Ye as in Yay or as in Yee

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Auditchris

  • Friday 5th October 2018, 12:30pm
  • Tunbridge Wells, United Kingdom
  • 135 posts

So, a reworked version of this sketch made the show. I thought it might be interesting for some to see what I submitted.

A few thoughts:

I was initially a tad miffed that they removed my explicit references to Brexit at the end but on reflection the intro actually deals with this so the satirical element is still there.

The serious intro leading into subsequent silliness works really well - though not sure I'd have submitted something like this as I'm generally keen to get to laughs asap.

The main character having family problems initially seemed to detract from the target of the sketch. However, apart from providing some great laughs it gives the voice character/backstory when it would otherwise have been a bland 'announcer'.

The final piece feels a lot longer than mine - possibly longer than anything I would have submitted. It almost makes mine seem like little more than 'an idea.' I could be wrong, I've asked to see the final script version to compare.

Overall, I'm satisfied that this both captures the spirit of my submission and significantly improves upon it!

(Apologies if the formatting is a bit all over the shop here)

LORRYLAND

ANGELA: It was revealed this week that the government's contingency no-deal Brexit plans would take so long to implement that traffic congestion around the UK's ports would be inevitable - yet another Brexit blow to the UK economy.

I actually went to see the closed section of the M20 where lorries park while waiting to cross the Channel; I have to be honest, as days out in Kent go it beats a trip to Maidstone hands down.

Newsjack can now exclusively reveal that the government has authorised the conversion of the lorry park into an exciting family theme park in an attempt to claw back some of that lost Brexit cash...

GRAMS: UPBEAT JINGLE

ANNOUNCER: LorryLand - A load of fun for everyone!

FX: CHILDREN CHEER

ANNOUNCER: LorryLand is the ultimate adventure theme park experience where children and adults alike can ride and drive REAL lorries. Well, maybe not ride and drive but definitely look at and maybe sit in if you find a driver who'll let you.

CHILD: Wow mummy, that sounds amazing!

ANNOUNCER: Fun for all ages, LorryLand with its 2,000 heavy goods vehicles and array of additional activities is the ideal theme park for small to large groups looking for a truly unique experience.

CHILD: Daddy, you'll take me if you love me.

ANNOUNCER: The price of admission includes the following attractions:

Writing obscene messages in the dirt on a lorry's trailer;

Helping to search vehicles for skilled professionals attempting to escape to the EU;

Cadging a fag from a French lorry driver;

CHILD: Mummy, what's a fag?

ANNOUNCER: Counting how many red lorries you can see.

SERIOUS ANNOUNCER: Subject to availability; management reserves the right to change colour at short notice.

ANNOUNCER: Sitting in the cab pretending to drive a lorry;

SERIOUS ANNOUNCER: Height restrictions apply.

ANNOUNCER: And anything else we think of which involves lorries!

With family tickets starting at only £1,500 visit LorryLand today, because this is what passes for entertainment in a post-Brexit economy!

GRAMS: MUSIC ENDS

CHILD: Mummy, Daddy, can we go to LorryLand, pleeaase?

PARENT: No sweetie, since Brexit we can't afford to do nice things. Now be a good boy and eat up your roadkill.

END.

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 5th October 2018, 12:42pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts

Thanks for this - v useful, as will listen again to what was broadcast whilst reading the original

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Auditchris

  • Friday 5th October 2018, 12:48pm
  • Tunbridge Wells, United Kingdom
  • 135 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 5th October 2018, 12:42 PM

Thanks for this - v useful, as will listen again to what was broadcast whilst reading the original

I'm not sure I'd bother trying that! Laughing out loud