British Comedy Guide

NEWSJACK REJECTS - AUTUMN 2018 Page 5

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B T F

  • Friday 12th October 2018, 12:12am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: electronat @ 11th October 2018, 6:01 PM

Ah, the emails are out and yet again not a peep for me...! Here's what didn't make it:

ONELINERS

1. An NHS supplier that failed to dispose of amputated body parts is facing criminal investigation. When questioned they immediately held their hands up.

2. Artificial Intelligence could bring an end to famine, claims World Bank president Jim Yong Kim, because food will become obsolete after the robot apocalypse.

AND MY SKETCH...

ROCK AND ROLL PHD

1. ANGELA: This week it's been reported that UK Universities are looking to hire 'superstar' professors to boost their rankings. Does this mean that Dr Dre's latest album now attracts UCAS points? And will the BBC be launching Top of the Profs? Let's hope that this new superstar status doesn't go to their egg-heads.

2. FX: HELICOPTER LANDING

3. DEAN: (SHOUTING OVER HELICOPTER) Ah, here he is now... our brand new signing, Professor O'Shea, welcome, I'm the Dean of...

4. BODYGUARD: Not so fast. If you could just step back behind the line there, sir.

5. DEAN: Who are you?

6. BODYGUARD: Head of Security for 'The Shizzle'.

7. DEAN: The Shizzle?

8. BODYGUARD: It's his new lectern name. MC Shizzle Phd.

9. DEAN: Oh, OK.. I guess we'll need to change the sign on his office door then.

10. BODYGUARD: Office? I think you mean Dressing Room? With a walk-in wardrobe for his designer ermine robes. And they'll need to be embroidered with his name, too. In diamonds.

11. DEAN: Erm... the other academic staff don't have...

12. BODYGUARD: Do the other academic staff have a platinum-selling thesis...?

13. DEAN: No, I don't suppose they do... So how do I spell Shizzle?

14. BODYGUARD: You don't. It's a symbol he made up. It looks a bit like E=MC2... only cleverer.

15. DEAN: Cleverer than E=MC2?

16. BODYGUARD: Are you questioning the wisdom of The Shizzdom?

17. DEAN: No, no. Of course not.

18. BODYGUARD: Good, now on to the rest of his rider?

19. DEAN: His rider?

20. BODYGUARD: 20 white kittens, 10 white doves, 5 white puppies...

21. DEAN: And a partridge in a pear tree?

22. BODYGUARD: WHat? No, he hates pears. Too pretentious.

23. DEAN: Of course they are, sorry.

24. BODYGUARD: And he's going to need a TV.

25. DEAN: Actually, the lecture theatre comes installed with a rear-mounted projection system.

26. BODYGUARD: How's he going to throw a rear-mounted projection system out of the window?

27. DEAN: Er... he's not?

28. BODYGUARD: And the front five rows are for his entourage and VIP's only. No exceptions.

29. DEAN: Does that include me?

30. BODYGUARD: Big fan are you?

31. DEAN: Well, I was quite impressed with his theory of thermal dynamics.

32. BODYGUARD: Yeah, that's my favourite, too and they say the second thesis is the hardest to write. Pity the critics thought it was derivative. 2 stars in New Scientist yet Tim Berners Lee gets 5 every time because his research makes it easier to look at mucky pictures.

33. DEAN: So is that everything?

34. BODYGUARD: No, the most important thing is that no-one, under any circumstances is to look at His Shizzleness directly.

35. DEAN: What about the students?

36. BODYGUARD: Especially them. And he won't be taking questions either.

37. DEAN: Well, I suppose that's the price we pay for genius, eh? OK, so I just need a quick signature on his contract.

38. BODYGUARD: Sorry pal... No autographs.

END.

Liked your jokes..wondered if you could maybe say 'held their hands up to it'. But maybe not. It is a personal thing.
Interesting sketch premise. Liked the autograph joke. I didn't quite understand the joke about Tim Berners Lee but that could be my stupidity. Some of the words could be cut down a bit if you don't mind me saying.

I won't put my sketch up as it just looks weird to me now. I liked it when I wrote it..

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electronat

  • Friday 12th October 2018, 8:30am [Edited]
  • Whitley Bay, United Kingdom
  • 19 posts
Quote: B T F @ 12th October 2018, 12:12 AM

Liked your jokes..wondered if you could maybe say 'held their hands up to it'. But maybe not. It is a personal thing.
Interesting sketch premise. Liked the autograph joke. I didn't quite understand the joke about Tim Berners Lee but that could be my stupidity. Some of the words could be cut down a bit if you don't mind me saying.

I won't put my sketch up as it just looks weird to me now. I liked it when I wrote it..

Thanks, BTF! I toyed with "hands up to it" vs "hands up" and wrote/rewrote it a few times but erred on the side of brevity... I'm still not sure!

The Tim Berners Lee joke was supposed to allude to the fact that he's responsible for the Internet which is awash with pornography... (or so I've heard).

I did the same with my sketch last week... when I wrote it I thought it made perfect sense but when I next read it... not so much.

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Auditchris

  • Friday 12th October 2018, 9:18am
  • Tunbridge Wells, United Kingdom
  • 135 posts
Quote: B T F @ 11th October 2018, 11:40 PM

I liked the Nelson one best. Good idea for the last joke. I wondered if with 'refresh' you could also say maybe something like: refreshing - what Glastonbury festival-goers kept doing to their screens to buy tickets but what they won't smell like after one day there. I could be talking claptrap though.

Here are my Njps I recall:

'What Not To Snog' - a new show with Susannah Constantine and Katya Jones.

Food banksy - art work created by Walkers crisps new recycling policy.

Jazz Hands - alternative applause not practised at RNIB events.

Thanks - the Nelson gag was the one I thought might stand a chance (there's always one!). And I agree that the refresh joke is a bit wordy.

I really like your 'Food Banksy' pun. Perhaps the definition could have been more explicitly linked to the Banksy news story (e.g. a place where Shreddies are stored... or, you know, something good!)

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B T F

  • Friday 12th October 2018, 9:33am
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Auditchris @ 12th October 2018, 9:18 AM

Thanks - the Nelson gag was the one I thought might stand a chance (there's always one!). And I agree that the refresh joke is a bit wordy.

I really like your 'Food Banksy' pun. Perhaps the definition could have been more explicitly linked to the Banksy news story (e.g. a place where Shreddies are stored... or, you know, something good!)

Yes I think the problem with the food banksy one is that most people may not know the story about them starting to recycle crisp packets and I didn't bring shred in as I felt it was too obvious but I don't therefore think it was strong enough as a joke. Needs work.

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Auditchris

  • Friday 12th October 2018, 9:47am
  • Tunbridge Wells, United Kingdom
  • 135 posts
Quote: B T F @ 12th October 2018, 9:33 AM

Yes I think the problem with the food banksy one is that most people may not know the story about them starting to recycle crisp packets and I didn't bring shred in as I felt it was too obvious but I don't therefore think it was strong enough as a joke. Needs work.

To be honest I wouldn't be afraid of obvious thematic links. A live audience has to laugh instantly at these so leaps of logic are probably best avoided.

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beaky

  • Friday 12th October 2018, 10:24am
  • Malaga and Brighton, United Kingdom
  • 2,735 posts

Food Banksy - where to go for your Shredded Wheat.

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Auditchris

  • Friday 12th October 2018, 10:34am
  • Tunbridge Wells, United Kingdom
  • 135 posts
Quote: beaky @ 12th October 2018, 10:24 AM

Food Banksy - where to go for your Shredded Wheat.

Works for me! Could totally imagine that on the show.

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 12th October 2018, 10:52am
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts

I couldn't muster a sketch this week, but some of my unloved unfunnies were :

BN 'An elderly couple have discovered a snake inside their oven. They said they were using the oven to store a calculator, which appeared to have turned into an adder'
BN 'A bus driver in India has said that the reason a monkey was seen driving his bus was because he was on his chimpanzee break'

NJ The Cry : Loud, uncontrolled Sunday evening sobbing when you remember you didn't get Glastonbury tickets
NJ MMA : Mixed martial arseholes

Same time, next week y'all..........

Quote: electronat @ 11th October 2018, 6:01 PM

Ah, the emails are out and yet again not a peep for me...! Here's what didn't make it:

ONELINERS

1. An NHS supplier that failed to dispose of amputated body parts is facing criminal investigation. When questioned they immediately held their hands up.

2. Artificial Intelligence could bring an end to famine, claims World Bank president Jim Yong Kim, because food will become obsolete after the robot apocalypse.

AND MY SKETCH...

ROCK AND ROLL PHD

1. ANGELA: This week it's been reported that UK Universities are looking to hire 'superstar' professors to boost their rankings. Does this mean that Dr Dre's latest album now attracts UCAS points? And will the BBC be launching Top of the Profs? Let's hope that this new superstar status doesn't go to their egg-heads.

2. FX: HELICOPTER LANDING

3. DEAN: (SHOUTING OVER HELICOPTER) Ah, here he is now... our brand new signing, Professor O'Shea, welcome, I'm the Dean of...

4. BODYGUARD: Not so fast. If you could just step back behind the line there, sir.

5. DEAN: Who are you?

6. BODYGUARD: Head of Security for 'The Shizzle'.

7. DEAN: The Shizzle?

8. BODYGUARD: It's his new lectern name. MC Shizzle Phd.

9. DEAN: Oh, OK.. I guess we'll need to change the sign on his office door then.

10. BODYGUARD: Office? I think you mean Dressing Room? With a walk-in wardrobe for his designer ermine robes. And they'll need to be embroidered with his name, too. In diamonds.

11. DEAN: Erm... the other academic staff don't have...

12. BODYGUARD: Do the other academic staff have a platinum-selling thesis...?

13. DEAN: No, I don't suppose they do... So how do I spell Shizzle?

14. BODYGUARD: You don't. It's a symbol he made up. It looks a bit like E=MC2... only cleverer.

15. DEAN: Cleverer than E=MC2?

16. BODYGUARD: Are you questioning the wisdom of The Shizzdom?

17. DEAN: No, no. Of course not.

18. BODYGUARD: Good, now on to the rest of his rider?

19. DEAN: His rider?

20. BODYGUARD: 20 white kittens, 10 white doves, 5 white puppies...

21. DEAN: And a partridge in a pear tree?

22. BODYGUARD: WHat? No, he hates pears. Too pretentious.

23. DEAN: Of course they are, sorry.

24. BODYGUARD: And he's going to need a TV.

25. DEAN: Actually, the lecture theatre comes installed with a rear-mounted projection system.

26. BODYGUARD: How's he going to throw a rear-mounted projection system out of the window?

27. DEAN: Er... he's not?

28. BODYGUARD: And the front five rows are for his entourage and VIP's only. No exceptions.

29. DEAN: Does that include me?

30. BODYGUARD: Big fan are you?

31. DEAN: Well, I was quite impressed with his theory of thermal dynamics.

32. BODYGUARD: Yeah, that's my favourite, too and they say the second thesis is the hardest to write. Pity the critics thought it was derivative. 2 stars in New Scientist yet Tim Berners Lee gets 5 every time because his research makes it easier to look at mucky pictures.

33. DEAN: So is that everything?

34. BODYGUARD: No, the most important thing is that no-one, under any circumstances is to look at His Shizzleness directly.

35. DEAN: What about the students?

36. BODYGUARD: Especially them. And he won't be taking questions either.

37. DEAN: Well, I suppose that's the price we pay for genius, eh? OK, so I just need a quick signature on his contract.

38. BODYGUARD: Sorry pal... No autographs.

END.

Surprised you didn't at least a shortlist for the hands up joke

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beaky

  • Friday 12th October 2018, 11:19am
  • Malaga and Brighton, United Kingdom
  • 2,735 posts
Quote: Auditchris @ 12th October 2018, 10:34 AM

Works for me! Could totally imagine that on the show.

You can have it if you want, I don't send stuff to Newsjack.

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Kenny Bania

  • Friday 12th October 2018, 11:39am
  • United Kingdom
  • 263 posts
Quote: beaky @ 12th October 2018, 11:19 AM

You can have it if you want, I don't send stuff to Newsjack.

In that case, have you considered starting the 'anyone want this for Newsjack ?' forum ?

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B T F

  • Friday 12th October 2018, 12:34pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Auditchris @ 12th October 2018, 9:47 AM

To be honest I wouldn't be afraid of obvious thematic links. A live audience has to laugh instantly at these so leaps of logic are probably best avoided.

Yes. The joke needed more work.

Quote: beaky @ 12th October 2018, 10:24 AM

Food Banksy - where to go for your Shredded Wheat.

I Excellent.

Quote: beaky @ 12th October 2018, 11:19 AM

You can have it if you want, I don't send stuff to Newsjack.

Why not? Just curious. That was a good joke. Apart from the obvious reason of considering you are wasting your time because of the amount of material sent in and that out of over 600 sketches, very roughly, sometimes less sometimes more, maybe 4 or 5 non com ones are used so less than 1%.and they must often get well, well over 1000 one liners etc.
I can see why people do still submit but am just trying to maybe answer my own question..

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beaky

  • Friday 12th October 2018, 1:23pm
  • Malaga and Brighton, United Kingdom
  • 2,735 posts

I'm a cartoonist, my jokes end up as cartoons. Anyway, on thinking about it, isn't the Banksy one out of date now? It should have been in the last episode.

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B T F

  • Friday 12th October 2018, 2:14pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: beaky @ 12th October 2018, 1:23 PM

I'm a cartoonist, my jokes end up as cartoons. Anyway, on thinking about it, isn't the Banksy one out of date now? It should have been in the last episode.

Yes out of date now.

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electronat

  • Friday 12th October 2018, 3:09pm
  • Whitley Bay, United Kingdom
  • 19 posts
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 12th October 2018, 10:52 AM

Surprised you didn't at least a shortlist for the hands up joke

Me, too, Kenny!

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Yacob Wingnut

  • Friday 12th October 2018, 3:09pm
  • England
  • 713 posts

I'm trying to improve my one-liner-writing ability by failing miserably to get anything onto NJ.

Any feedback on the following would be most welcome:

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Taylor Swift gives contentious opinions on US politics. Many people wanted Swift to keep quiet, but they were probably talking about her music.

2. A GCSE textbook has been pulled for stereotyping Caribbean dads as being absent. The book's publishers deny they're racist and say they'll apologise to Caribbean dads, if they can find any.

3. A group of MPs suggests making water meters compulsory. Critics say compulsory water meters would be taking the p, while proponents say it's the piping near the meter that does that.

NEWSJACKPEDIA:

1. Google: The search-engine that recently exposed the data of half-a-million users. Though it could also burn down my house and eat my dog, and I still wouldn't use bing.

2. Ian Blackford: The SNP's Westminister leader who said that, "Scotland deserves better," yet strangely didn't resign right afterwards.

3. Climate Change: The meagre amounts that governments give to stop global warming.

Not sure if it makes a difference, but I didn't send my submission to Newsjack until 11:51 and then didn't get the confirmation email until 12:02.