British Comedy Guide

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Tell us a joke Page 199

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Stephen Goodlad

  • Friday 4th August 2017, 10:22am
  • Mirfield, England
  • 2,404 posts

I was so excited and really up for a trip on the public transport.
I was Bussing.

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Patrick Robinson

  • Saturday 5th August 2017, 9:36am
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 48 posts

I passed a man who was securing goods to his truck. He sneezed, I said "Gesundheit". He said: "I'm hoping so."

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gappy

  • Monday 7th August 2017, 11:55am [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 1,876 posts

When Cicero took me to a Japanese restaurant he ordered battered eels: O tempura, o morays.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 7th August 2017, 5:29pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,163 posts

Which singer goes to the toilet twice? Lulu.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 9th August 2017, 11:47am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,163 posts

When I was eight, my uncle masturbated to the back of my head. I didn't realise, I was pretty wet behind the ears.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 11th August 2017, 9:59am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,163 posts

Skunk Anansie's singer keeps sitting on my face. No Skin off my nose.

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Patrick Robinson

  • Saturday 12th August 2017, 8:25pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 48 posts

I was locked out my house. Three martial artists were passing by and offered to help me get past the locked door. A karate master punched the door but couldn't get in. A Kung fu master kicked the door and couldn't get in. The third master said close your eyes and breathe deeply, just imagine the door opening. We opened our eyes and the door was open. That's magic I said, how did you do that? He said he could have pushed it open. But it's easier when you've got Aikido.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 13th August 2017, 9:42am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,163 posts

Shawn Mendes is so ungrateful. I propped up his legs, arms and stomach. He said, There's nothing holding me back.

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gappy

  • Sunday 13th August 2017, 4:18pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 1,876 posts

Why is Jay-Z's ice cream van undergoing maintenance?
99 problems.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 14th August 2017, 6:24pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,163 posts

My mother says when a friend dies, it's like sucking off Big Bird. You feel down in the mouth, get a lump in your throat and it's really hard to swallow.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 20th August 2017, 10:18am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,163 posts

I said, Come on, Mum. She said, Don't 'come on' me. I said, Why not, every other guy did.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 22nd August 2017, 10:31am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,163 posts

Melanie C must have a pet rabbit. Whenever I ask her out, She says, Not tonight, I'm washing my hare.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 25th August 2017, 8:04am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,163 posts

I was shocked when the Invisible Man ejaculated. Just came out of thin air.

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Firkin

  • Friday 25th August 2017, 11:01am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 218 posts
Quote: Patrick Robinson @ 30th June 2017, 6:06 PM

There was a Catholic minister who whacked his washing machine. BISH BASH BOSCH.

Love it.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 21st July 2017, 11:00 AM

What's the difference between cheese and men? Cheese can mature.

Nice one. Well done Michael in single handedly keeping this thread going. You may enter the record books soon.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 25th August 2017, 1:31pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,163 posts

Speaking or records: I couldn't work out what Roy Castle's autobiography lacked... Then I thought, Dedication! Dedication, that's what you need.

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