British Comedy Guide

Tell us a joke Page 203

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 12th November 2017, 11:30am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,681 posts

Has the digital revolution finally destroyed all paper communication? Answers on a postcard please.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 15th November 2017, 6:34pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,681 posts

My mother's birthday cake was highly appropriate. It had hundreds and thousands on top too.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 23rd November 2017, 7:54am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,681 posts

Chales Manson said he was inspired to kill by the Beatles. I understand. I feel the same when I listen to One Direction.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 24th November 2017, 8:02pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,681 posts

When I was 2 years old my parents separated. It was just me, my mother and my older sister. When I was 3 my mother remarried and for many years I assumed my stepfather was my real father... When I was 8 I learnt the truth, but I was still too young to understand fully, and anyway, I loved my stepfather! Only later did I understand the real beauty of what this man had done: take on a woman with two kids and stay with her. How many guys are prepared to do that? So when I was 20 I said, 'Dad - yeah, I'll call you that! - I just wanted to say Thank you.'
He said, 'Don't thank me: I'm happy.'
I said, 'But what's your secret? Staying with us so long...'
He smiled: 'The secret, my dear son, is Faithfulness. You choose one person in life! And when I married your mother, I pledged to be faithful. And I've been true to that.'
'That's lovely.'
'Yes, faithful... No matter who I f**k, I only think about your sister while I'm doing it.'

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 27th November 2017, 7:27am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,681 posts

The male population of South East England made a sitcom and dedicated it to me. It's called 'How I Wet Your Mother'.

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Chappers

  • Tuesday 28th November 2017, 8:15pm
  • Surreyish., England
  • 30,933 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 28th November 2017, 9:10 AM

https://www.buzzfeed.com/ariannarebolini/bizarre-books-you-wont-believe-actually-exist?utm_term=.oqRgJBopk8#.nf0R350dq7
Working in Rome is like my mother's sideboard. Always getting f**ked over.

I always wondered what she got up to after retiring from tennis.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 29th November 2017, 6:33pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,681 posts
Quote: Chappers @ 28th November 2017, 8:15 PM

I always wondered what she got up to after retiring from tennis.

I had a dream where the Spice Girls were playing tennis naked. The score got to deuce, and so did I.

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Nekark Loon

  • Thursday 30th November 2017, 12:04pm
  • England
  • 43 posts

Telling jokes is like being at an orgy for 30 seconds, you can't please everyone.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 1st December 2017, 7:01pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,681 posts

What hurts and doesn't come out for 30 years? Sexual harrassment.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 3rd December 2017, 9:12am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,681 posts

Just because I'm a fecal extractor device, I don't take any shit from anybody.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 5th December 2017, 1:43pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,681 posts

I just jerked off into the freezer. Cool beans.

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Facet

  • Tuesday 5th December 2017, 7:12pm [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 25 posts

I started dating an animal lover from Australia and as a result, I've started to live with these terrifying, man-eating pets, or as she likes to call them 'her kids'.

An organ transplant driver took me out for dinner last night. There's a man after my own heart.

It's tough being single at my age. All my friends are getting married and having kids and I'm sat on my laptop looking at Batman memes.

(these are the first 3 jokes I have written)

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Firkin

  • Tuesday 5th December 2017, 8:19pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 865 posts
Quote: Facet @ 5th December 2017, 7:12 PM

An organ transplant driver took me out for dinner last night. There's a man after my own heart.

Not bad for your second one.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 23rd November 2017, 7:54 AM

Chales Manson said he was inspired to kill by the Beatles. I understand. I feel the same when I listen to One Direction.

Nice.