My mother's finished her fellatio memoirs, but is removing all the swear words. The editor said, 'You need to wash your mouth out.'

I was speechless when they added a shallow trough to the hole in the ground. Well guttered.

I got a job selling men's grooming products, but it didn't quite gel with me.

So I got a job with an oil company - I didn't do well.

Then I got a job at the gym - it didn't workout.

So I bought shares in a Loft Conversion company - they went through the roof!

I perform half castrations, just to get the ball rolling.

In a new interview, Johnny Rotten denies trying anal. It's called 'Never Mined The Buttocks'.

It's called 'Bonus' cos that's what you have to do before we give you it.

Eastender strapped a penis round the middle of his leg. Must be a cocknee.

What's the difference between money and a masturbator? Money changes hands sometimes.

NHS chiefs say that firefighters could give health checks and medical referrals to people when they make house visits.

Presumably, if the patient can only be identified by his dental records, he definitely needs a referral.

Quote: Damian B @ 16th September 2017, 11:37 PM

Presumably, if the patient can only be identified by his dental records, he definitely needs a referral.

View original

There was a great Paul Merton line: 'I'm amazed at plane crash victims so badly mutilated they can only be identified by dental records. If they don't know who youy are, how do they know who your dentist is?'
They're selling the self-ejecting tampax. No strings attached.
I started a FB page for people who never f**k anyone so pretend they'd rather be socialising. It's called 'Ex Pats In Rome'.

What's the difference between problems and men? My mother won't let problems get on top of her.

According to Gardener's World magazine, the most effective fertiliser for any garden is cow manure. I think it's bullshit.

They nearly discovered the secret of making young women attractive to priests. It was a close shave.

What's the difference between happiness and Razzle Readers' Wives? You only have one shot at happiness.

Like it.

How long can Pele play keepy-uppy for? It depends how many Viagras he's taken.