Who's the tidiest actor? Dustin' Hoffman.

Gross alert!

I did three poos.
The first was shaped like an I, but the second and third were shaped like a U and an O.

I always enjoy a good vowel movement.

***

I was very excited this morning, as I was expecting my invitation to go on Countdown.

I rushed out to meet the postman and asked, "Have you got a letter for me?"

He said, "Vowel or consonant?"

"Is your mate's baby sheep a Christian?"

"No, it's islam."

What's the difference between pride and jizz? Men won't swallow their pride.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 15th January 2016, 6:40 PM GMT

What's the difference between pride and jizz? Men won't swallow their pride.

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They will eat it as a starter before liver and kidneys.
Because pride comes before offal.

I saw fifty lions having sex. Gay pride.
Then they orgasmed before a cascade. Well, pride comes before a fall.

I stuck my nose into someone else's business and what I discovered was just terrible.
Pried comes before awful.

It's my birthday today. I'm 62, so here is a joke.

As I get older, my body changes.
Everything that used to be flexible is getting stiff.
And vice versa.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 15th January 2016, 1:53 PM GMT

Who's the tiddiest actor? Dustin' Hoffman.

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That's a bit shortist isn't it?

And anyway shortarsed comic actor Danny DeVito is 5" Tiddyer.

What's the best food to eat after a Nuclear War?

Fission Chips.

I'm not scared of chicken nuggets. They're small fry.

I asked a pimp how to make money. He said, Mind your own f**king business.

Men are from Mars.
Women are from Venus.
Crabs are from Uranus.

Men come from Mars. Unless they're gay, then cum from Uranus.

Got tested at the fertility clinic.
They said I have "Sailor Sperm"
What's that I asked.
Able semen.