Quote: G180e @ April 13 2013, 1:07 PM BST

"These are sex people"

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Alan (to Lynn): Don't make the same noise as them!

"read the small print on your cone-tract"

Quote: whatkindoffoolami @ April 11 2013, 12:29 AM BST

Alan - "No! stop getting Bond wrong! I'll tell you about the spy who loved me, All do that with your fingers round your eye, I'm Roger Moore, bang! blood dribbles down, we're on a submarine, Two sailors sit down and have a game of chess, then the cups start wobbling, then the man who used to be in The Onedin line comes in and goes why are the cups wobbling? whats going on?, yeah you can stop doing that now,and then he looks through the periscope and goes oh my God the submarine's being eaten by a giant tanker, then we cut to Moscow,there's a man there he's Russian he's got eyebrows you know, he's on the phone going what a whole submarine? your joking? I'm gonna have to tell some other Russians see yeh, then it cuts to James, Roger Moore, and yes he's with a lady, he's necking with her, and he goes I've got to go love somethings come up"

Michael - "Eye he means his cock"

Alan - "Anyway, then he puts on his underpants and his ski suit and he starts skiing, and he's being chased by these Russian shits in Black jump suits with Lemon piping, and he's skiing along and they start shooting at him, and he goes I've had enough of that JUST STOP IT,and then he does a backward somersault of a ramp and he lands on his feet, I'm not sure why but he's not showing off, then he goes over a cliff and he's falling and you think oh God James Bonds going to die, he's going to die, but then at the last minute"

Michael - "He pulls the rip cord reet and the parachute comes ooot with a Union Jack on it"

Alan - "MICHAEL, MICHAEL, that's not the end of the beginning, the end of the beginning goes like this, Glang glanga-langa langa langa langa lang glang alang glang-alang alang, nobody does it better, and I'm a naked woman in silhouette with a gun spinning round, makes me feel sad for the rest, nobody does it, bit of nipple, quite as good as you baby your the best, now a really big bounce right over and I land on my feet, I wasn't looking and somehow you found me, ooh bit of bush, I tried to hide from your love, then a woman swinging on a Luger a giant Luger, like Heaven above me, another naked woman on top of a gun completely Billy Bollocks, the spy who loved me is keeping all my secrets safe tonight,then one more big swing from a woman legs go right up, ooo what was that? too late!, nobody does it half as good as you baby your the best, so do you wanna hear some more?"

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Alan: Oh, a lovely olden days map of Norfolk, there.
Dan: Yep. They call Norfolk the rump of Britain.
Ceri: I think it looks more like a boob.
Dan: Oh! I stand corrected, said the man in the orthopaedic shoes!

"You're just a posh sod with plums in your mouth"

My Favorite quotes are [ When he is Inspecting the bathroom in a house he wishes to purchase]-
You know what this room says to me? Aqua. Which is French for water. It's like being inside an enormous Fox's Glacier Mint, which again, to me, is a bonus.
and this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKmCgwCa1kM&feature=player_detailpage

"You make pigs smoke"

"You feed beefburgers to swans"

"I'm gonna hump Yeh, like Deputy Dowg would hump Yeh"

"Unfortunately we live in a world where people would rather watch clips of idiots driving cars like maniacs, than a book descibed as, and I quote, Lovely stuff, not my words Michael, the words of Shakin Stevens"

"That was big yellow taxi by Joni Mitchell, a song in which Joni complains that they paved Paradise to put up a parking lot, a measure which actually would have alleviated traffic congestion on the outskirts of Paradise, something that Joni singularly fails to point out, perhaps because it doesn't quite fit in with her blinkered view of the World, nevertheless, nice song, it's 4.35am your listening to up with the Partridge"

"The boys are back in the Barracks"

"Give me another series,ya Shit"

"Scum.Subhuman Scum"

"I don't want to be infamous. I want to be f'mous...well famous"

"Knowing M.E., knowing you"

"just because I've got a shit table"

"Guess which one of you two ladies I'm gonna make love with now?"

"That was the best full English breakfast I've had since Gary Wilmot's wedding"

"In fact I've made some notes, bacon ten on ten, button mushrooms bingo, Black pudding snap, minor criticism more distance between the eggs and the beans, I may want to mix them I want that to be my decision, use a sausage as a breakwater, but I'm knit picking, on the whole a very good effort seven on ten, let's make love"

"Well Sonia that was classic intercourse, so thanks"

Love this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YT_W6FwN_hY - can't believe someone clicked 'dislike'. Must be Andy off Little Britain.

Quote: Gordon Bennett @ April 9 2013, 1:00 PM BST

One of my all time favourite comedy scenes. AP interviewing the former boxing promoter:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFg6fuyPw0I

"Murderer! You killed my son!"

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Love that one too. Too many funny quotes, just watch it!

"Hello Security. I am an arsonist with a big box of matches. Please can I come in to set fire to the staff"
(Door unlocks)
"Unbelievable"

Do you wanna get sucked in, Alan? Do you wanna get sucked in? Cause I'll suck you in so far you'll come out the other end. Is this the world you want, nightclub owners getting garrotted, ammonia in the boat? And take that look off your gormless face!