Apparently they're about to start playing porn movies at the petrol pumps, so you can watch somebody else getting f**ked at the same time as you.
Two women lectured me about brown bread for an hour this morning on my doorstep. They were Hovis Witnesses.
Talking of bread I saw some yesterday that I thought was named after Jade Goody. But then I realised it said 'Thick Cut'.
Have you seen the new John Terry Vodka? It's made in London but bottled in Moscow.
So I was walking through a graveyard and I saw this bloke crouching behind a gravestone. I said "Morning", and he said "No, I'm having a shit."
I bought this new Al Quaida talking doll from Toys R Us. I don't know what it says, I'm too scared to pull the cord.