Quote: Kenny Bania @ 12th March 2021, 1:57 PM

Yes - agree, can't believe that made it on. Surely must predate The Two Ronnies...

Enjoyed the AA7 joke, though

Excellent - which one was yours ?

Oh, and, er, if it was the police looking into the hole joke....congratulations, a modern twist on a much loved classic ( he says, hastily covering all bases )

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As we've lamented on these forums on many occasions, the NJ producers do seem to like a well-used familiar punchline (as do the audience) so if anything, I blame myself for trying to do my over-complicated schtick rather than focusing on writing straightforward gags.

Quote: Rachel E Thorn @ 12th March 2021, 12:13 PM

Hi gang! I managed a one-liner - boom
Has anyone got any tips on where to look for more Newsjack-y news stories rather than just the big headlines?

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The technology and science sections of the BBC News website are pretty fruitful for 'researchers have found that...' setups for both sketches and oneliners. I might also check out New Scientist and Wired and places like that for similar inspiration.

If there's a story that I think has something going for it, I will try to read a few articles about it across different news sources, generally looking for some turn of phrase that sparks something for me.

As well as my own usual favoured news sources (BBC, Guardian, Independent), I will also have a look at media sources I don't ordinarily read (Mirror, Metro) and ones I actively hate (Mail, Telegraph) to try to find something that sparks some emotion - sometimes the righteous fury created by a Daily Mail article will spur me to find some funny within my spittle-flecked rage.

Here are my rejected efforts from this episode. Not my best work.

BREAKING NEWS
1. Boots have apologised for an advert that encouraged people to buy sex toys for Mothers' Day. We are unable to name the products in question due to the BBC's strict 'no plugs' rule.

2. Religious protestors in Cyprus have claimed that the country's Eurovision entry promotes devil worship. When asked how to find hidden satanic messages in a Eurovision song, they said, (sings - 'Making Your Mind Up') you gotta speed it up, then you gotta slow it down....

3. The state of Georgia has made it illegal to hand out pizza to people queuing up to vote. When it comes to voter suppression Georgian lawmakers really take some topping.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. A bad week for moths in Britain whose population has declined by a third. A good week for lightbulbs, finally free of those flapping idiots.

2. A good week for inclusivity campaigners after Unilever agreed to rename their 'normal' skin and hair products. A bad week for customers who will now have to buy from the 'basic bitch' range.

3. A good week for token gestures after several London pedestrian crossing signals were changed to feature a green woman. A better week for a nearby green man who still managed to claim all the credit for getting people across the road.

Thanks folks! I'm going to leave you wondering if it was the sinkhole one. Enjoy the frisson of potential irony

Good stuff Dantrobus!

Mine are below. Basically all awful reading it all again, ha:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Terry Boot has this week been appointed Finance Director at Shoe Zone, taking over from Peter Foot. Rumours say David Sock, Sally Clogs, and Johnny Moccasin were said to also be in contention to step into Foot's shoes.
2. The Leibniz Institute for the German Language is recognising 1,200 new words inspired by the Coronavirus pandemic with words like Maskentrottel, meaning "Mask idiot" referring to someone who doesn't wear a mask properly, or Gesichtskondom, which translates to "face condom". Conspicuously absent is Gatesenkopf, where a vaccinated person is now under the control of Bill Gates.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for the Royal Family, who have come under accusations of racism and toxicity by Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. It's been a good week for Crystal Palace, who after taking a 4-1 beating by Spurs have seen a different kind of Palace take all the negative attention.
2. It's been a good week for home working parents across the country, whose kids have gone back to the classroom, providing them some long awaited peace and quiet. It's been a bad week for maths teachers who are now having to live up to the mathematical standards of the kid's substitute teacher at home, Rachel Riley. That, and enduring the humming of the Countdown theme when it comes to answer time.

Like your BN oneliners Dantrobus.
Well done anyone who got on.

I have no writing time this series unfortunately.

Quote: Feeoree @ 12th March 2021, 6:01 PM

Good stuff Dantrobus!

Mine are below. Basically all awful reading it all again, ha:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Terry Boot has this week been appointed Finance Director at Shoe Zone, taking over from Peter Foot. Rumours say David Sock, Sally Clogs, and Johnny Moccasin were said to also be in contention to step into Foot's shoes.
2. The Leibniz Institute for the German Language is recognising 1,200 new words inspired by the Coronavirus pandemic with words like Maskentrottel, meaning "Mask idiot" referring to someone who doesn't wear a mask properly, or Gesichtskondom, which translates to "face condom". Conspicuously absent is Gatesenkopf, where a vaccinated person is now under the control of Bill Gates.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for the Royal Family, who have come under accusations of racism and toxicity by Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. It's been a good week for Crystal Palace, who after taking a 4-1 beating by Spurs have seen a different kind of Palace take all the negative attention.
2. It's been a good week for home working parents across the country, whose kids have gone back to the classroom, providing them some long awaited peace and quiet. It's been a bad week for maths teachers who are now having to live up to the mathematical standards of the kid's substitute teacher at home, Rachel Riley. That, and enduring the humming of the Countdown theme when it comes to answer time.

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Nice ideas here. Wonder if you could make them possibly more concise. Good luck next week.

Congrats Rachel and don't be offended by Dantrobus putting his foot in his sinkhole

Nothing for me, I was short of time and only rushed out a few - I hate not having a full set, it's hard enough getting on with your "6 best":

BREAKING NEWS:
1. There was a collective sigh of relief across England this week as children finally went back to school. "It's so nice to get some peace and quiet and not have to put up with the tantrums and screaming at home" said one 5 year old.

2. Thousands of jobs are at risk following the collapse of a steel company. You would have though steel would be stronger than that?

3. Unilever has announced it is dropping the word "normal" from its beauty products in a push for greater inclusivity. When asked whether such a radical move was normal, a company spokesperson got really confused about whether or not to answer.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for lawn mowers across Britain after they were criticised by Monty Don for their manicured, striped lawns; it's been a good week for lawn mowers across Britain who are always happy to receive cutting remarks.

Quote: skram @ 13th March 2021, 9:52 AM

Congrats Rachel and don't be offended by Dantrobus putting his foot in his sinkhole

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Indeed. A credit's a credit. I would never look a gift credit in the sinkhole.

Quote: skram @ 13th March 2021, 9:52 AM

1. There was a collective sigh of relief across England this week as children finally went back to school. "It's so nice to get some peace and quiet and not have to put up with the tantrums and screaming at home" said one 5 year old.

2. Thousands of jobs are at risk following the collapse of a steel company. You would have though steel would be stronger than that?

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Thought these two were very good.

Quote: Feeoree @ 12th March 2021, 6:01 PM

Good stuff Dantrobus!

Mine are below. Basically all awful reading it all again, ha:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Terry Boot has this week been appointed Finance Director at Shoe Zone, taking over from Peter Foot. Rumours say David Sock, Sally Clogs, and Johnny Moccasin were said to also be in contention to step into Foot's shoes.
2. The Leibniz Institute for the German Language is recognising 1,200 new words inspired by the Coronavirus pandemic with words like Maskentrottel, meaning "Mask idiot" referring to someone who doesn't wear a mask properly, or Gesichtskondom, which translates to "face condom". Conspicuously absent is Gatesenkopf, where a vaccinated person is now under the control of Bill Gates.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for the Royal Family, who have come under accusations of racism and toxicity by Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. It's been a good week for Crystal Palace, who after taking a 4-1 beating by Spurs have seen a different kind of Palace take all the negative attention.
2. It's been a good week for home working parents across the country, whose kids have gone back to the classroom, providing them some long awaited peace and quiet. It's been a bad week for maths teachers who are now having to live up to the mathematical standards of the kid's substitute teacher at home, Rachel Riley. That, and enduring the humming of the Countdown theme when it comes to answer time.

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I agree with BTF. Nice ideas, need a bit of editing to make concise oneliners.

E.g. the first gwbw, maybe something along the lines of: it's been a bad week for the royal family scrambling to respond to accusations of racism. But a better week for Roy Hodgson, now responsible for only the second worst Palace defence.

Great stuff Skram, the first Breaking News about school returns genuinely just made me snort, haha.

Quote: Dantrobus @ 13th March 2021, 3:07 PM

I agree with BTF. Nice ideas, need a bit of editing to make concise oneliners.

E.g. the first gwbw, maybe something along the lines of: it's been a bad week for the royal family scrambling to respond to accusations of racism. But a better week for Roy Hodgson, now responsible for only the second worst Palace defence.

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Yeah, as you and BTF put it, needed brevity (I prefer your re-write to mine too, ha).

I did take length in mind when writing it too, but what came out was basically the very longest I was willing to go. I read it out myself for the flow and also tried to imagine how they (well, Kiri as she's the main member) would read it if it was chosen, and the flow of it was probably the longest I want to go, but yeah it did feel stilted. Trying to make it shorter didn't come to the page properly . My Breaking News ones definitely flowed better in my imagination than the GWBWs.

Dantrobus - I enjoyed number 3 in each category ie pizza / topping , and green man jokes

Skram - favourite was the lawnmower gwbw

Feeoree - agree with comments about brevity, but enjoyed the gwbw about the palace, using a sport angle often a good idea ( although not sure if Newsjack team are sports aficionados - seem to remember in the last series Chelsea's Tammy Abraham was referred to in the wrong gender )

Some of mine were making up the numbers ( ie rubbish ) but the ones I had a modicum of hope for were :

Breaking News

In an ongoing dispute over pay and conditions, British gas engineers have just completed another four day walkout. A British
gas spokesperson said they would give an update on the protest next Monday between 9am and 1pm

Eastenders actor Lacey Turner has named her newborn son Trilby. Friends said they weren't surprised at a headwear related name, as during the pregnancy Lacey had invited them to her baby shower cap

( I'm sure there's a better joke in there somewhere )

GWBW

It's been a bad week for squirrels after Jeremy Paxman admitted shooting at them with an air gun from his toilet window. And a bad week for Jeremy Paxman, after one of the University Challenge mascots turned out to be a real squirrel who'd crapped in his dressing room

( probably a bit coarse - wasn't sure if I should have used 'pooped' instead - but was trying to think how squirrels could get their revenge against JP )

Quote: Kenny Bania @ 13th March 2021, 5:37 PM

Dantrobus - I enjoyed number 3 in each category ie pizza / topping , and green man jokes

Skram - favourite was the lawnmower gwbw

Feeoree - agree with comments about brevity, but enjoyed the gwbw about the palace, using a sport angle often a good idea ( although not sure if Newsjack team are sports aficionados - seem to remember in the last series Chelsea's Tammy Abraham was referred to in the wrong gender )

Some of mine were making up the numbers ( ie rubbish ) but the ones I had a modicum of hope for were :

Breaking News

In an ongoing dispute over pay and conditions, British gas engineers have just completed another four day walkout. A British
gas spokesperson said they would give an update on the protest next Monday between 9am and 1pm

Eastenders actor Lacey Turner has named her newborn son Trilby. Friends said they weren't surprised at a headwear related name, as during the pregnancy Lacey had invited them to her baby shower cap

( I'm sure there's a better joke in there somewhere )

GWBW

It's been a bad week for squirrels after Jeremy Paxman admitted shooting at them with an air gun from his toilet window. And a bad week for Jeremy Paxman, after one of the University Challenge mascots turned out to be a real squirrel who'd crapped in his dressing room

( probably a bit coarse - wasn't sure if I should have used 'pooped' instead - but was trying to think how squirrels could get their revenge against JP )

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Personally I like crapped.

I like the British Gas one. Could even say.....they would be unable to give an update on the protest unless it was between the hours of 9 am to 1 pm.

Quote: Kenny Bania @ 13th March 2021, 5:37 PM

Eastenders actor Lacey Turner has named her newborn son Trilby. Friends said they weren't surprised at a headwear related name, as during the pregnancy Lacey had invited them to her baby shower cap

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Aw, baby Trilby is absolutely fedorable.

Quote: Dantrobus @ 14th March 2021, 8:57 AM

Aw, baby Trilby is absolutely fedorable.

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Thanks, you've bowlered me over with that suggestion
Maybe he was a beanie baby ?

Quote: Kenny Bania @ 9th March 2021, 1:47 PM

Managed 3 breaking news and 2 good week bad week ( and not a royal reference in sight ) Reasonably happy with them, although one maybe a bit too Frankie Boylesque

Don't know who wrote the joke last week about the gathering in Mayfair and passing go, but wished I'd thought of it

Best of luck, all

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I read this as Boylesque (the male equivalent to burlesque) and couldn't work out how you could do that in a radio sketch or where Frankie came into it, took me a while to realise you meant the Scottish comedian ha !x

Quote: Porcelain Delaney @ 14th March 2021, 8:54 PM

I read this as Boylesque (the male equivalent to burlesque) and couldn't work out how you could do that in a radio sketch or where Frankie came into it, took me a while to realise you meant the Scottish comedian ha !x

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Quote: Kenny Bania @ 14th March 2021, 1:05 PM

Thanks, you've bowlered me over with that suggestion
Maybe he was a beanie baby ?

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I take my hat off to you both.

Quote: BTF @ 15th March 2021, 1:49 AM

I take my hat off to you both.

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Beret good, BTF

If I was to guess your favourite band of all time, I reckon - The Hatty Mondays ( featuring Fez ) ?

Good luck to all with your entries for the finale