British Comedy Guide

Gold Christmas Crackers joke competition Page 3

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GAP1

  • Friday 6th December 2019, 8:41am [Edited]
  • Wales
  • 91 posts

Nothing for me.....at Christmas

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Billy Bunter

  • Friday 6th December 2019, 10:31am
  • The Sussex Coast, England
  • 1,378 posts

Not on Twitter so I was disenfranchised from the outset. Angy

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Will Cam

  • Friday 6th December 2019, 11:02am
  • England
  • 8,018 posts

Ar well, there's always next year.

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Rood Eye

  • Saturday 7th December 2019, 12:37am [Edited]
  • England
  • 4,103 posts

Q. Why did Prince Andrew spend a night in a New York mansion sleeping with a girl from Jeffrey Epstein's stable?

A. There was no room at the Holiday Inn.

(Do you see what I did there?) Laughing out loud

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Rood Eye

  • Saturday 7th December 2019, 2:08pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 4,103 posts

Q. What's the difference between Father Christmas and an ambitious pimp?

A. Father Christmas is happy with only three "ho"s.

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Rood Eye

  • Saturday 7th December 2019, 5:15pm
  • England
  • 4,103 posts

Q. What's life like for high-end call girls in London and New York at Christmas?

A. Great, if you don't mind the traffic.

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BTF

  • Saturday 7th December 2019, 5:18pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts

You should save these for next year's Gold contest, Rood. Don't waste your comic gems on us.....:D

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Rood Eye

  • Saturday 7th December 2019, 5:34pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 4,103 posts
Quote: BTF @ 7th December 2019, 5:18 PM

You should save these for next year's Gold contest, Rood. Don't waste your comic gems on us.....:D

Don't worry, BTF - I'm just storing them here in case I forget them.

I'll send them off next October when the 2020 Gold Christmas Cracker Competition begins.

I know nobody on BCG would attempt to steal any of my material. Whistling nnocently

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Will Cam

  • Tuesday 10th December 2019, 9:46am
  • England
  • 8,018 posts

The best jokes are out on Twitter. Don't want to sound like sour grapes but, sheesh........

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Rood Eye

  • Tuesday 10th December 2019, 11:14am [Edited]
  • England
  • 4,103 posts

The top 10 jokes can be found here:

https://www.comedy.co.uk/features/top_10_christmas_cracker_jokes_2019/

Hopefully, I offend nobody by reproducing them below:

1. Why does Donald Trump have his Christmas dinner on a plastic plate? He doesn't get on with china.

2. Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem? It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.

3. Christmas dinner is a lot like Brexit. Half the family were told they needed to make room for Turkey, so opted to leave Brussels.

4. Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints.

5. What is Coleen Rooney's favourite game to play over the festive period? Guess Who.

6. Why doesn't Jeremy Corbyn ever visit Santa? Because he struggles in the poles.

7. Why is Greta Thunberg boycotting parsnips and carrots at Christmas? Because she's a swede dish campaigner.

8. What's the difference between Rudolph's nose and David Cameron's autobiography? Only one will be red at Christmas.

9. What do you call a snowman who goes on Love Island? A melt.

10. What is Olivia Colman's favourite part of a turkey? The Crown.

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Dantrobus

  • Tuesday 10th December 2019, 11:27am [Edited]
  • Sheffield, England
  • 129 posts

I wrote number 8, the Rudolph/Cameron one. The top 10 all win a festive hamper but only the top 6 get their jokes printed inside a special set of crackers.

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Rood Eye

  • Tuesday 10th December 2019, 11:35am [Edited]
  • England
  • 4,103 posts
Quote: Dantrobus @ 10th December 2019, 11:27 AM

I wrote number 8, the Rudolph/Cameron one.

Congratulations Dan.

Your "number 8" joke is (in my opinion) vastly superior to many of those placed above it in the results.

In fact, I think the best jokes are - in no particular order - jokes 6, 7 and 8.

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Dantrobus

  • Tuesday 10th December 2019, 11:44am
  • Sheffield, England
  • 129 posts
Quote: Rood Eye @ 10th December 2019, 11:35 AM

Congratulations Dan.

Your "number 8" joke is (in my opinion) vastly superior to many of those placed above it in the results.

In fact, I think the best jokes are - in no particular order - jokes 6, 7 and 8.

Thank you very much! Yeah, I'm a sucker for a tortured pun so I enjoyed the "Swede Dish campaigner" one too!

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Michael Hughes

  • Tuesday 10th December 2019, 7:55pm
  • England
  • 123 posts

Hmmm the winning joke seems familiar.

Here's my joke that I posted first.

Why do Hong Kong protesters eat Christmas dinner off paper plates?

They don't like China.

Winning joke....

Why does Donald Trump have his Christmas dinner on a plastic plate?

He doesn't get on with China.

What a rip off.