British Comedy Guide

Gold Christmas Crackers joke competition Page 4

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BTF

  • Tuesday 10th December 2019, 11:51pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts
Quote: Will Cam @ 10th December 2019, 9:46 AM

The best jokes are out on Twitter. Don't want to sound like sour grapes but, sheesh........

Agreed.

Quote: Dantrobus @ 10th December 2019, 11:27 AM

I wrote number 8, the Rudolph/Cameron one. The top 10 all win a festive hamper but only the top 6 get their jokes printed inside a special set of crackers.

Well done. I did like that one.

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Rood Eye

  • Tuesday 10th December 2019, 11:55pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 4,103 posts

Last year's winner and this year's winner were both Donald Trump jokes.

Accordingly, it would be a very optimistic entrant who submitted jokes about anything else in 2020.

1. Why did the chicken cross the road? To avoid running into Donald Trump at Christmas.

2. What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? A snowman has nothing Donald Trump would want to grab at Christmas.

You've got the idea now - good luck in the 2020 competition!

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BTF

  • Wednesday 11th December 2019, 7:29am [Edited]
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts

Gold seem to like Brussels jokes. One is in this list and one won a previous year. The three wise men joke has appeared before as a winner also in a vaguely similar form. Gold obviously don't mind repeating joke ideas from one year to another. I have put various Love Island snow/ice theme jokes on with the word 'melt' thinking they stood no chance so there you go...

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Rood Eye

  • Wednesday 11th December 2019, 7:44am
  • England
  • 4,103 posts

The number 10 joke was "What is Olivia Colman's favourite part of a turkey? The Crown."

Last year, I submitted "Why does Prince Charles always insist that the legs and wings are removed from his Christmas turkey? He wants nothing more than the crown."

I think my joke is better - but then I would, wouldn't I? Laughing out loud

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BTF

  • Wednesday 11th December 2019, 9:13am
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts
Quote: Rood Eye @ 11th December 2019, 7:44 AM

The number 10 joke was "What is Olivia Colman's favourite part of a turkey? The Crown."

Last year, I submitted "Why does Prince Charles always insist that the legs and wings are removed from his Christmas turkey? He wants nothing more than the crown."

I think my joke is better - but then I would, wouldn't I? Laughing out loud

Your joke has more complexity.

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Billy Bunter

  • Wednesday 11th December 2019, 10:46am [Edited]
  • The Sussex Coast, England
  • 1,378 posts
Quote: Rood Eye @ 10th December 2019, 11:14 AM

9. What do you call a snowman who goes on Love Island? A melt.

Quote: BTF @ 11th December 2019, 7:29 AM

I have put various Love Island snow/ice theme jokes on with the word 'melt' thinking they stood no chance so there you go...

Don't get it. Should I?

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Rood Eye

  • Wednesday 11th December 2019, 11:26am [Edited]
  • England
  • 4,103 posts
Quote: Billy Bunter @ 11th December 2019, 10:46 AM

Don't get it. Should I?

No, you shouldn't get it. In fact, it's to your credit that you don't.

It requires knowledge of a TV reality show (Love Island) that's looked down upon by a great many people.

It also requires knowledge of slang terms used by the type of contestant that the programme attracts.

The reality show "Love Island" involves throwing a crowd of young, beautiful but often not very bright or well-educated people together in an exotic holiday location and waiting for the inevitable couplings (both social and sexual) to take place.

A "melt" is a person who has been rendered soppy and foolish by his/her infatuation with another.

If a snowman were to be a contestant, he would certainly melt due to the hot temperatures of the location and would also probably become infatuated with one of the other contestants, thus attracting the disdain of his fellows.

I'm sure you get it now. Laughing out loud

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Michael Hughes

  • Wednesday 11th December 2019, 11:48am
  • England
  • 123 posts

The guy who won it has deleted all his tweets. Quite a few of his jokes were very similar to ones that had been posted previously. Unbelievable.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 11th December 2019, 12:22pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 5,380 posts
Quote: Michael Hughes @ 11th December 2019, 11:48 AM

Unbelievable.

No it isn't.

Quote: Rood Eye @ 10th December 2019, 11:14 AM

2. Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem? It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.

Never heard anything like that before. At Christmas.

Quote: Rood Eye @ 10th December 2019, 11:14 AM

3. Christmas dinner is a lot like Brexit. Half the family were told they needed to make room for Turkey, so opted to leave Brussels.

They had the Brussels pun a coupla years back too.
PS At Christmas.

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Billy Bunter

  • Wednesday 11th December 2019, 1:26pm
  • The Sussex Coast, England
  • 1,378 posts

I see. So, basically, you take a word and use it in a way in which it's not meant to be used and makes no sense at all to the majority of the English speaking world, and use it as the punchline. I could do that!

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Rood Eye

  • Wednesday 11th December 2019, 2:17pm
  • England
  • 4,103 posts
Quote: Billy Bunter @ 11th December 2019, 1:26 PM

I see. So, basically, you take a word and use it in a way in which it's not meant to be used and makes no sense at all to the majority of the English speaking world, and use it as the punchline. I could do that!

By George, I think he's got it!

See you in the 2020 winners' list, Billy! Laughing out loud

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BTF

  • Wednesday 11th December 2019, 3:37pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 558 posts
Quote: Billy Bunter @ 11th December 2019, 10:46 AM

Don't get it. Should I?

Yes, probably to your credit that you didn't watch it!

Out of all the thousands they had.......

I did like Dantrobus's and a few others in the list though, to be fair. Think they should have been higher up the numbers.

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Rood Eye

  • Wednesday 11th December 2019, 4:05pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 4,103 posts
Quote: Rood Eye @ 10th December 2019, 11:14 AM

3. Christmas dinner is a lot like Brexit. Half the family were told they needed to make room for Turkey, so opted to leave Brussels.

This joke makes absolutely no sense to me.

I've never heard of a Christmas dinner at which half the family were told they needed to make room for turkey.

Indeed, I've never been at a dinner or any other meal at which anybody was told they needed to make room for any type of food. I mean, the only way anybody can make room in their stomach is either to vomit or to refrain from eating until the existing contents of their stomach have passed through the system.

Refraining from eating the Brussels sprouts might "leave" room for other foods but it most certainly would not "make" room.

However, no matter whether we say leave room or make room, at most Christmas dinners, turkey is one of the first things eaten - and most Christmas dinners are eaten on a more or less empty stomach. Leave room for Christmas pudding or trifle? Yes! But turkey? No!

Furthermore, no matter whether we say leave or make room, why on earth should only half the family be told they need to do that?

The Christmas dinner angle, therefore, makes no sense.

Similarly, I am not aware that EU delegates or countries were ever told they needed to "make room" for Turkey to join the EU. Again, I can imagine no scenario in which only half the EU members should be told that.

And I'm certainly not aware that half of the EU member countries decided to leave the EU or that half of the EU delegates walked out of a meeting in Brussels as a result of Turkey being allowed to join. Or, if the half-family at Christmas dinner opting not to eat the sprouts are being likened to the roughly 50% of UK referendum voters who opted to leave the EU, it cannot possibly be said that those voters wanted the UK to leave the EU in order that Turkey would be able to fit more comfortably into the EU.

The Brexit angle, therefore, makes no sense.

Am I missing something or does this joke really make absolutely no sense whatever?

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Dantrobus

  • Thursday 12th December 2019, 7:42am
  • Sheffield, England
  • 129 posts
Quote: BTF @ 11th December 2019, 3:37 PM

I did like Dantrobus's and a few others in the list though, to be fair. Think they should have been higher up the numbers.

Thank you!

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Dantrobus

  • Thursday 12th December 2019, 8:10am
  • Sheffield, England
  • 129 posts
Quote: Rood Eye @ 11th December 2019, 4:05 PM

Am I missing something or does this joke really make absolutely no sense whatever?

I don't think you're missing anything. This type of one-liner bugs me - the ones where it's got the words in there with the double meanings but the scenarios described aren't what happened or don't make sense. In this case, as you rightly say, no-one has ever been asked to leave their Brussels sprouts to make room for the turkey part of their dinner, nor could Turkey's possible accession to the EU be described as people having to 'make room' for Turkey. They bug me really because I end up writing them (and discarding them) so much myself: I make that connection between the same words (Turkey, Brussels) being applicable to both scenarios (Xmas dinner, brexit) but end up having to mangle the rest of the language too much to try make the same description apply to both situation.

My other problem with this one is that it isn't written in a cracker joke format, e.g. Why is Christmas dinner like Brexit? Half the, etc, etc. Not that anybody's asked me, but I would have edited this joke to something like:

Why is Christmas dinner like Brexit? Your parents are worrying about turkey and half the family want brussels off their plate.
Still not very good, but closer to a cracker joke and closer to a sentence that could legitimately describe xmas dinner and brexit.