Gold Christmas Crackers joke competition

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Rood Eye

  • Wednesday 9th October 2019, 4:11pm
  • England
  • 2,760 posts

I hear they've had to take on extra staff this year to deal with Michael Monkhouse's jokes.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Sunday 13th October 2019, 1:50pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,202 posts

You 're just jealous because I know so many jokes and interesting facts about the Spice Girls.
This is how it works...
When is a door not a door? When it' s a jar, at Christmas.
Why did Donald Trump cross the road? To get to the other side, at Christmas.
What's black and white and red all over and sometimes talks about Brexit? A newspaper, at Christmas.
What's got four legs and flies and has f**k all to do with Brexit? A dead horse, at Christmas.
What's brown and sticky and has even less to do with Brexit than a dead horse? A stick, at Christmas.
Knock, knock... Who's there?... Ariana... Ariana who?... Ariana Grande, at Christmas.

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Billy Bunter

  • Sunday 13th October 2019, 7:41pm
  • The Sussex Coast, England
  • 934 posts

And if one doesn't have a Twitter account, I suppose one is disenfranchised.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 14th October 2019, 6:13pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,202 posts

Last year's winner took an ancient pun and applied it to an obvious target. Can't believe it won.

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Rood Eye

  • Monday 14th October 2019, 6:25pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 2,760 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 14th October 2019, 6:13 PM

Last year's winner took an ancient pun and applied it to an obvious target. Can't believe it won.

The 2018 winner was: "What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker? Pays her off."

In 4th place was: "What does Philip Green buy former employees for Christmas? Their silence."

That joke makes absolutely no sense because he is clearly not buying their silence for them as a Christmas present: he's buying their silence from them for himself.

It's a funny thing, comedy.

Well, sometimes it is.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 14th October 2019, 6:52pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,202 posts

That's the joke I meant. They took an old gag and foisted it onto an obvious butt.
PS Knock knock. - Who's there? - Geri. - Geri who? - Geri Halliwell, at Christmas.

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BTF

  • Monday 14th October 2019, 9:54pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 392 posts

I am putting a number of jokes on there of dubious quality.

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Definitely Tarby

  • Monday 14th October 2019, 10:38pm
  • England
  • 1,790 posts

When is it acceptable to start watching Christmas DVDs? There's no punchline it's a serious question.

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Joe Oakes

  • Monday 14th October 2019, 10:42pm
  • United Kingdom
  • 17 posts
Quote: Definitely Tarby @ 14th October 2019, 10:38 PM

When is it acceptable to start watching Christmas DVDs? There's no punchline it's a serious question.

When you're 85.

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Definitely Tarby

  • Monday 14th October 2019, 11:25pm
  • England
  • 1,790 posts
Quote: Joe Oakes @ 14th October 2019, 10:42 PM

When you're 85.

With my lifestyle of excess that is out of the question so was thinking more along the lines of what date such as mid or late October.

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garyd

  • Tuesday 15th October 2019, 2:44pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 777 posts
Quote: Definitely Tarby @ 14th October 2019, 11:25 PM

With my lifestyle of excess that is out of the question so was thinking more along the lines of what date such as mid or late October.

To play safe I watched a first third of It's A Wonderful Life last week, will watch the second third in November and the third third on Christmas Eve.

Mind, the third I watched gave me no ideas for cracker jokes so maybe the other two thirds would, which is unfair as the closing date is before November!

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Stephen Goodlad

  • Tuesday 15th October 2019, 8:46pm
  • Mirfield, England
  • 3,390 posts

Merry brexmas to one and all. Ho ho ho

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Billy Bunter

  • Wednesday 16th October 2019, 1:43pm
  • The Sussex Coast, England
  • 934 posts

My annual Christmas dinner table joke:

A piece of string walked into a pub, walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. The barman poured him the drink, passed it over and said "you don't mind me asking do you but aren't you a piece of string?" The piece of string replied "yes I am", took the drink & went and sat down.

A few minutes later, a second piece of string walked into the pub, walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. The barman poured him the drink, passed it over and said "you don't mind me asking do you but aren't you a second piece of string?" The second piece of string replied "yes I am", took the drink & went and sat down with the first piece of string.

A few minutes later, a third piece of string, rather threadbare with his ends tied together to keep him in one piece, limped into the pub, struggled over to the bar and ordered a drink. The barman poured him the drink, passed it over and said "you don't mind me asking do you but aren't you a third piece of string?"

And the third, rather threadbare piece of string with his ends tied together to keep him in one piece, replied, "No, I'm a frayed knot".

Mind you it would require a very large cracker...

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Rood Eye

  • Wednesday 16th October 2019, 5:11pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 2,760 posts

Last year, I went to a brilliant Christmas party: it was held in a huge room and the organisers had pinned a sprig of mistletoe to the ceiling at one end of the room and a box of Paxo to the ceiling at the other.

And all the girls who wanted kissing went to one end of the room.

And all the girls who wanted a turkey sandwich went to the other.

I defy anybody to make a complaint about that joke! Laughing out loud