Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ 30th July 2014, 8:26 PM BST

At first I couldn't get the hang of playing American Football,
But there was not stopping me,once I'd picked it up,

I was in court today for stealing a Dictionary from Waterstones,
The Judge says I could be looking at a long sentence!

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I was in court today, having been arrested stealing a mile of knicker elastic. The judge said I was in for a long stretch.

Oh yeah, I also shot a few people, that's probably why.

Quote: Marc P @ 30th July 2014, 9:39 PM BST

My mate grew Bonsai trees as a hobby but he became so successful he had to buy a smaller greenhouse.

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That has really tickled me.

Quote: Marc P @ 30th July 2014, 9:39 PM BST

My mate grew Bonsai trees as a hobby but he became so successful he had to buy a smaller greenhouse. (Not oregano)

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Nice gag but it's a bit of a variation on an old joke (which might be a Steven Wright gag);

"I opened a bonsai tree business, we were so successful we had to move to smaller premises."

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ 31st July 2014, 12:49 AM BST

My last girlfriend was full of helium,
I should never have let her go!

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This is a lovely joke.

I told my friend a gag I'd written.
He said "It's not funny"
I said "I agree with you"

(This gag has actually got some laughs, but I'm not sure why)

I've had to break up with my imaginary girlfriend.

I've started seeing someone else.

So it's #NationalOrgasmDay today.

Or if you're married, Thursday.

Quote: Tony Cowards @ 31st July 2014, 10:21 AM BST

Nice gag but it's a bit of a variation on an old joke (which might be a Steven Wright gag);

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You might have noticed I verbally herbally acknowledged that in brackets Tony

"I'll be making my wife moan later."

"Ah, because it's National Orgasm Day?"

"No, because I'm bound to have done something wrong."

Quote: Reg N @ 31st July 2014, 12:14 AM BST

A six foot Lego man had sex with a six foot Lego woman. Then they broke up.

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I keep setting my lego men and women up on dates. They always break up in the end though.

I went into a brik a brak store that sold weird things.

There was a chocolate starfish, a rusty sheriffs badge and a balloon knot.
I didn't buy anything because the owner was an arsehole.

How do you get a belly laugh?
Eat something that tastes funny.

Whenever someone asks me to tell them a joke I refuse, that's probably why I failed that stand up course

I managed to recruit a record number of applicants for my stand-up course this year.
All I had to do was advertise in the paraplegia ward of my local hospital.

Quote: Nick81 @ 31st July 2014, 12:06 PM BST

I've had to break up with my imaginary girlfriend.

I've started seeing someone else.

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That's good.

Quote: Marc P @ 31st July 2014, 12:20 PM BST

You might have noticed I verbally herbally acknowledged that in brackets Tony

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Aaah, fairy 'nuff, being a bit thick I didn't really get the "oregano" reference.

Quote: Nick81 @ 31st July 2014, 12:06 PM BST

I've

So it's #NationalOrgasmDay today.

Or if you're married, Thursday.

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I celebrated National Orgasm Day Yesterday?
Looks like I was a bit early!

Quote: Tony Cowards @ 31st July 2014, 1:29 PM BST

Aaah, fairy 'nuff, being a bit thick I didn't really get the "oregano" reference.

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That's alright you're a stand up I'm a writer innit. Lol, but it was a weak pun. And I hate puns. Who hate all the puns! They used to cry at me.