What's alcoholic, likes the Spice Girls and keeps dead threads going?

OnlyFlange.
It's not a joke. I just like saying it.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 12th July 2022, 6:11 PM

OnlyFlange.
It's not a joke.

View original

Well, quite - why change the habit of a lifetime! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Don't you hate it when you ask someone out and they say, 'Not tonight, I'm washing my hair'? Especially when it's Kojak.

What do you get if you cross a teenage boy and a skateboard? A total f**king c**t.

What's the difference between hopes and dick? I can still get my hopes up.

Our local autopsy club are having an open mic night.

What's the difference between options and my mother's legs? Options aren't open for everyone.

What's the difference between Pulp and my mother's legs? Pulp might get back together.

Men since 1996: Footballs coming home, it's coming......
Women: We'll get it for you.

Three men die and arrive at the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the welcoming voice of St Peter: "Welcome to Heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" They look and, as far as the eye can see, there are chickens everywhere.

One man thinks, "I can't be doing with that" and instantly steps on a chicken whereupon St Peter comes marching up with an ugly woman, rotten teeth, thin hair, saggy skin and completely unpleasant to look at. He handcuffs her to the man that stepped on the chicken, waves his finger and says "I did warn you".

The others, now duly warned, walk carefully around but after a while one grows careless and "cluck" steps on a chicken. Again St. Peter marches up with an even uglier woman. Repulsive and smelly, children run away when they see her. He handcuffs her to the second man, waves his finger and says "you won't learn will you?".

The last man is very careful, he enjoys himself and generally has a good time. After a while St. Peter approaches him. "Thank you, for being so considerate of the chickens." And then he sees this gorgeous woman, a cross between between Marilyn Monroe and Sophia Loren, so beautiful that birds sing whenever she walks by. St Peter handcuffs them together and the man says, "Wow, I don't know what I did to deserve this" to which she replies, "Nor do I. All I did was step on a chicken..."

Not bad.
Cross between a chicken and a cow was upset. Fowl mooed, actually.

Why is Chelsea the only place you see cows driving tractors?

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 15th July 2022, 1:59 PM

Don't you hate it when you ask someone out and they say, 'Not tonight, I'm washing my hair'? Especially when it's Kojak.

View original

? That's a cracker - From Christmas 1974, but I love it.

I said to Frank Carson, What's the name of that thing you pull over Christmas dinner?

Cynthia?

Why do Hooray Henrys behave like pigs at posh parties? - S'wine.