Quote: Stylee TingTing @ August 6 2013, 8:14 PM BST

Don't take it personally, sister.

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I haven't, don't worry

Two Dogs is a nice place to be honest we have to our credit an Oscar winner and it has spawned several footballers and a Beatle is buried here.

We have seven estates that are dangerous, but who hasn't?

But Huyton Hey road is not in the slightest bit scary, unless you stick out like a wool.

It's a city lad most of the offies are behind bullet proof glass.

You need to work out your stance lad your all over the gaff.
One minute your slamming something for middle class in its values then your denigrating areas for being to brutish and urban?

What is it you want? Whatever it is you clearly haven't got it yet.

So you can't answer why your stance is so contradictory then?

Best leave it there lad you're obviously angry and I couldn't be arsed
entertaining you all night it's boring as f**k.

Well, it looks like I got my wish - the thread got tetchy

Not tetchy just cutting edge post modernism.

Vive la revolution!

Hi Jennie,
May I start by saying I'm new to this site and realize my opinion is one without any experience or success in this industry as yet. however I must admit I really liked your scripts, I read the first part and then found myself quickly scrolling to the next etc. personally I found the one on one chats the most engaging and funny, I think the dinner lady is a little far fetched and could be toned down a bit, In my opinion it would be funnier if everyone else thought of beryl as a nice old lady who served the tea, with only Ellie who owes her the money knowing her true side, then maybe the comments about the arms and legs, and a sharp knife would have more impact as only ellie would understand what she was implying. I think the Ellie and charles relationship works well, maybe a bit more sexual chemistry, for example Ellie could fancy the pants off Charles but find him annoying and arrogant, whilst Charles could pretend do have know interest in ellie because she is fool, but deep down know she is perfect for him, then this could develop over the weeks and give the show a strong story throughout without having to be the main focus of each weeks story, but as I say only my opinion and I loved reading it, so I wish you luck and hope you stick with it as its very funny.
Tony

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ August 8 2013, 12:43 PM BST

I think the Ellie and charles relationship works well, maybe a bit more sexual chemistry, for example Ellie could fancy the pants off Charles but find him annoying and arrogant, whilst Charles could pretend do have know interest in ellie because she is fool, but deep down know she is perfect for him

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I'd prefer any "sexual tension" dynamic to be Ellie attempting civility towards Charles for the sake of furthering her career with Charles inevitably misinterpreting...

Quote: enigmatic @ August 8 2013, 7:03 PM BST

I'd prefer any "sexual tension" to attempting civility

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Does that chatup line ever work?

Hi Tony,

Thank you very much for taking the time to read my script and comment. As far as I am concerned, your view is just as relevant as anyone elses!

I have toned Beryl down a bit. She is now less outwardly sinister from the get go.

The issue of sexual tension between the characters is an interesting one. Having reflected on some earlier posts, I know I need to define their relationship better.

At the moment, they are just two people who hate each other - and that isn't particularly realistic or credible. In real life, we physically and emotionally distance ourselves from those we dislike. We do not constantly seek out conflict.

I cannot see Ellie, who is smart, being in love with Charles - he is such an unmitigated tosspot. However, she is capable of making rash decisions - like sleeping with someone when she first joined Chambers.

If that person happened to be Charles - well it would give him something else to torment her with. It would show that, at least at one stage, they were physically attracted to each other. And it would give further credence to their mutual loathing.

As enigmatic says, Charles' arrogance would naturally lead him to think that Ellie is madly in love with him.

Anyway, that's the way my thoughts are going at the moment. I might pop up a bit more, I need some help with my ending!

Hi Jennie,
thank you for being so kind about my comments and personally I think the idea of ellie sleeping with charles as a thing that happened in the past is a great idea, and being a man who has had his fair share of mistaken office encounters I can see how Charles would forever more think She fancied him, and how she would just see it as one drunken mistake (maybe on the first firms drinks night or at the first Christmas party, with Ellie pointing out she had only been with the company a few weeks and hadn't had a chance to get to know him then. anyway, your a much better writer then I'll probably ever be, so I'm sure you will get it right, just don't do the thing my friend has been doing with his novel and spend the next 20 years rewriting it, at some point it has to be good enough to use, I get the feeling you are a bit of a perfectionist.

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ August 8 2013, 9:11 PM BST

I get the feeling you are a bit of a perfectionist.

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You're probably right there.

I think it would maybe make a better book than it would a sitcom, it reads like a book and that is not a bad thing at all.

Quote: Carlos Manwelly @ August 8 2013, 9:45 PM BST

I think it would maybe make a better book than it would a sitcom, it reads like a book and that is not a bad thing at all.

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This is interesting - why do you say that?