Hi everyone,

Long time lurker, new poster. I have written a sitcom script and an currently in the process of re-writing it before I decide what to do with it next.

It's about barristers..because I am one and it's all I know.

Here are the first five pages. I would really appreciate some feedback. It has been thoroughly SimonAndDeclaned, but some other views would be wonderful.

Please make the feedback as harsh and soul-destroying as possible - I really want to improve it, but am at a bit of a loss as to how.

Thanks in advance for your time!

Jennie

FADE IN:
INT. COURT FOUR BIMPTON CROWN COURT - DAY

TEN MINUTES BEFORE THE START OF THE COURT SESSION.

THE COURT IS EMPTY - APART FROM 27 YEAR OLD ELLIE YOUNG , A NEWLY QUALIFIED BARRISTER WHO ALWAYS LOSES HER SHOES WHEN DRUNK.

ELLIE RUNS AROUND THE COURTROOM CARRYING A PAIR OF HAIR STRAIGHTENERS, A SLICE OF TOAST AND A LARGE TAKEAWAY COFFEE.

TANNOY ANNOUNCER:
Chantelle Young to court one immediately.

SHE AIMS THE TOAST AT THE LOUD SPEAKER. IT GETS LODGED IN THE WIRE MESHING.

TRUE TO FORM, SHE ISN'T WEARING SHOES. HER TIGHTS ARE FALLING DOWN TO CREATE A 'NORA BATTY' EFFECT.

HER WIG AND GOWN LIE ABANDONED IN A CRUMPLED HEAP NEAR THE DOOR.

ELLIE PLUGS IN THE HAIR STRAIGHTENERS AND SITS ON THE FLOOR.

SHE USES THEM TO CURL THE WIG BACK INTO SHAPE WHILST SIMULTANEOUSLY APPLYING MASCARA.

CHARLES DAVIES STRIDES IN. 43. BARRISTER. REGULARLY CHOKES ON HIS OWN SMUG SELF-SATISFACTION.

HE SEES ELLIE'S WIG ON THE FLOOR AND DELIBERATELY TREADS ON IT.

CHARLES
I see you are in the midst of yet another humiliating hosiery malfunction. I thought you were the cleaner.

ELLIE
I thought you had just been convicted of bigamy.

CHARLES
A minor marital miscalculation. All behind me now.

HE REACHES FOR ELLIE'S COFFEE AND TAKES A SWIG. HE MAKES A FACE AND SPITS SOME BACK.

ELLIE
Your trial only finished yesterday!

CHARLES
Exactly. I'm moving on. A once in a lifetime opportunity has arisen. A case worthy of a barrister of my pedigree.

ELLIE
I have pedigree.

CHARLES
So do cattle.

CHARLES PICKS UP ELLIE'S BATTERED WIG AND EXAMINES IT CRITICALLY. AFTER A MOMENT HE FLICKS IT AWAY.ELLIE CATCHES IT BEFORE IT HITS THE FLOOR.

ELLIE
So what's the case about? Is it that Ford Fiesta driver who rampaged down
the Ring Road maiming hapless cyclists?

CHARLES
Heavens no! How could I, in all conscience, prosecute that? The man's
a saint. Culling cyclists is a public service.

THEY ARE INTERRUPTED BY A LOUD NOISE FROM THE DOCK.JAMIE SWAIN HAS BEEN BROUGHT UP FROM THE CELLS. HE IS ACCOMPANIED BY TWO SECURITY GUARDS.

JAMIE IS 29. ROBBER OF ICE-CREAM VANS. DANGER TO MAN AND MINI MILK ALIKE. USUAL MENTAL AGE OF 6. 8 ON A GOOD DAY.

HE IS BANGING HIS HANDCUFFS AGAINST THE GLASS. ELLIE RUNS TOWARDS HIM.

ELLIE
Grow up, Jamie.

SHE PASSES A PRITT STICK, COLOURING BOOKS AND PENS THROUGH THE GLASS PANEL TO THE SECURITY GUARDS.

ELLIE(CONT'D)
(to Security Guards)
This should keep him occupied. He's always a bit unsettled in the mornings.
(to Charles)
Tell me about this case!

CHARLES STROLLS OVER AND SHOVES HIS WIG ROUGHLY TOWARDS ELLIE. HE FIDDLES WITH HIS HAIR AND PEERS THROUGH THE GLASS AT JAMIE.

CHARLES
I see the zoo authorities have taken the sensible precaution of keeping this particular exhibit in a cage.

JAMIE HAS SETTLED ON THE FLOOR AND IS COLOURING IN.

CHARLES (CONT'D)
Are those hair straighteners? Excellent.

HE REACHES FOR THE STRAIGHTENERS. ELLIE PULLS THEM OUT OF HIS GRASP.

ELLIE
Why won't you tell me what it's about?

CHARLES SNATCHES THE STRAIGHTENERS FROM HER AND BEGINS TO CURL HIS QUIFF. HE EXPERIMENTS WITH A SERIES OF 'ALLURING' EXPRESSIONS.

CHARLES
Because it would be easier to explain String Theory to a sea cucumber. Yours
is a temperament much more at home with the mundane and inconsequential.

JAMIE STARTS TO SNEEZE. ELLIE PASSES CHARLES' WIG THROUGH THE GLASS AND JAMIE SNEEZES INTO IT.

INT. COURT CAFE - DAY

74 YEAR OLD BERYLSERVES TEA AND COFFEE IN HER HAIR NET AND PINNY.

HER HOBBIES INCLUDE BAKING, ATTENDING WI MEETINGS AND BEING THE TERRIFYING MATRIARCH OF AN ORGANISED CRIME SYNDICATE.

ELLIE COWERS BEFORE HER AT THE SERVING HATCH.

BERYL
I've got Chamomile, Peppermint, Apple, Cinnamon, Echinacea, Caramel Rooibos,
Blueberry, Cranberry, Pomegranate, Ginger, Ginseng, Chai, Pear, Exotic Jasmine and plain old English Breakfast.

ELLIE
You'll have your money by the weekend.

BERYL
English Breakfast it is.

ELLIE
Can't you give me a little more time? Please.

BERYL
The defence application for a discretionary extension of the
statutory time limit for deliverance of monetary chattel is hereby refused.

SHE BANGS A TEASPOON ON THE COUNTER LIKE A JUDGES' GAVEL.

BERYL(CONT'D)
That means no.

ELLIE
I will have it really soon!

BERYL
That's exactly what His Honour Judge Smith said. "Please, Beryl, I'll get you your money, just a bit longer.."

ELLIE
Hasn't he retired?

BERYL
In a manner of speaking.

BERYL'S EYES DRIFT TO A LARGE GARDEN SHOVEL RESTING AGAINST
THE COUNTER, SLIGHTLY HIDDEN FROM THE CAFE'S PATRONS. ELLIE
FOLLOWS HER GAZE.

BERYL CARESSES THE HANDLE WITH HER FINGERTIPS. SHE HOLDS UP A
TEA BAG.

BERYL(CONT'D)
See this little tea bag? Full of sweet, satisfying tea. Tea that is
rightfully mine. But the little tea bag doesn't want me to have its sweet,
satisfying tea. It wants to have it all for itself.

ELLIE
I don't understand.

BERYL PUTS THE TEA BAG IN A CUP AND POURS BOILING WATER ON IT.

BERYL
Look what happens when I pour boiling water over the little tea bag. It
burns. It suffers. And it gives up its sweet, satisfying tea. But if it doesn't give me as much as I want, do you know what I do?

ELLIE
You give it a couple more days?

BERYL
I mash it against the side of the cup with my teaspoon.

BERYL MASHES THE TEA BAG IN A PARTICULARLY SINISTER WAY.

BERYL(CONT'D)
I squeeze it all out. Every. Last. Drop.

ELLIE
Two days. I swear.

BERYL
Cherry and Sultana Danish?

I think you need a to settle on a succinct description of the female so you don't get too bogged down trying to over explain her.

You could also lighten up on describing everything as it stunts any flow.

On the dialogue front you need to lighten up and add more realistic banter, remember to make people look smart they need to say smart things not elongated words.
Its a good effort and you have a passion for writing so its all good, but for me you need to get more realistic and if you do the script will be better for it.

that's my take you may hear contrary as comedy is really subjective and often divisive but that's my honest take on the piece.

I think this has real potential--I particularly like the character of Beryl and her tea metaphor. Very funny and original!

To improve it, I would suggest, as Teddy did, that you cut back a little on the description and let the dialogue do more of the work. In my opinion, you can create more of a picture in the reader's mind by tight, directed dialogue than you can with narrative description.

But anyway, I liked it.

The dialogue's nice and concise. Not too wordy and it flits back and forth between the characters, so it's got a sharp feel. You've also chosen a decent 'situation' - as far as I'm aware there's not been a barrister based sitcom before.

I wasn't that clear on what the plot of the episode's going to be though. The upcoming case for Charles? Troubles with Beryl? I know it's only the first five pages, but you should really be starting to make it clear from the off. Sure, there's little hints so far, but I think you could cut to the chase a bit more.

Quote: Jennie @ May 27 2013, 4:51 PM BST

27 YEAR OLD ELLIE YOUNG , A NEWLY QUALIFIED BARRISTER WHO ALWAYS LOSES HER SHOES WHEN DRUNK.

CHARLES DAVIES STRIDES IN. 43. BARRISTER. REGULARLY CHOKES ON HIS OWN SMUG SELF-SATISFACTION.

JAMIE IS 29. ROBBER OF ICE-CREAM VANS. DANGER TO MAN AND MINI MILK ALIKE. USUAL MENTAL AGE OF 6. 8 ON A GOOD DAY.

HER HOBBIES INCLUDE BAKING, ATTENDING WI MEETINGS AND BEING THE TERRIFYING MATRIARCH OF AN ORGANISED CRIME SYNDICATE.

View original

These are all what's known as 'unfilm-ables' i.e. your giving us, the script reader, information it would be impossible for the viewer to glean or the director to communicate.
You have to be very wary of a novelistic approach to scene description -we have to discover what your characters are like from what the say and do.

The set-up feels like it has legs - though the second-scene makes no sense at the moment - I'm presuming all will be revealed.
Just don't leave it too long.

Thanks all - lots to think about there. All very much appreciated!

It's a good premise and I had a few chuckles on the way, especially the cattle pedigree line. I wish you all the best with it.

Thanks Ric, much appreciated

Excellent stuff! You must represent me in my forthcoming court case.

Thanks Beaky. I would be delighted to represent you

You don't know what I've done yet.

Whoever stuck the boot into this is an arse.You can write.The BBC regularly put on stuff that is not as good.The dialogue reminds me of those advocates on the C4 show called The Murder Trial last week.Quite a large element of smugness there,I think.You're probably giving the actors too much direction though which,I'm told, they don't like but sod them!They're only actors.You're the second best writer on this site so well done.

Oh!And also who's going to play Ellie?Who's it a vehicle for?Sheridan Smith?Is she TV barrister material,I wonder.

No-one stuck the boot in, Jaicee - it got a very positive response. I'm looking forward to reading the next bit she puts up!

Quote: Jennie @ May 27 2013, 4:51 PM BST

JAMIE IS 29. ROBBER OF ICE-CREAM VANS.

View original

Thus ends the case for the prosecution...

I'm a bit confused about the mention of the Judge's gavel (for as we all know Judges don't have them.)

But I think we need a female comedy writer of law, I'm a great fan of Henry Cecil.

Maybe you could get in touch with Emily Mortimer, John Mortimer's actress daughter? She might be good in it.

Quote: Jaicee @ July 14 2013, 2:46 PM BST

Whoever stuck the boot into this is an arse.You can write.The BBC regularly put on stuff that is not as good.The dialogue reminds me of those advocates on the C4 show called The Murder Trial last week.Quite a large element of smugness there,I think.You're probably giving the actors too much direction though which,I'm told, they don't like but sod them!They're only actors.You're the second best writer on this site so well done.

Oh!And also who's going to play Ellie?Who's it a vehicle for?Sheridan Smith?Is she TV barrister material,I wonder.

View original

Thank you Jaicee, that is really kind and encouraging. I agree that I probably do over direct.

I haven't really thought about actors yet - got a few hurdles to overcome before that becomes an issue! SS would be good, but she's a bit old - I imagine Ellie being quite a bit younger.

Quote: Tim Azure @ July 14 2013, 6:10 PM BST

Thus ends the case for the prosecution...

I'm a bit confused about the mention of the Judge's gavel (for as we all know Judges don't have them.)

But I think we need a female comedy writer of law, I'm a great fan of Henry Cecil.

Maybe you could get in touch with Emily Mortimer, John Mortimer's actress daughter? She might be good in it.

View original

Yep, judge's don't have gavels anymore. But they used to, so I think someone like Beryl (who may work in a court, but doesn't go in them very much) would still expect them to. An old fashioned view.

I love Henry Cecil. His work belongs to another age, a golden age at the Bar. It sadly isn't like that any more. The Lord Chancellor would rather we didn't exist.

Quote: beaky @ July 14 2013, 4:26 PM BST

I'm looking forward to reading the next bit she puts up!

View original

Will put some more up later tonight Beaky

Just for you