Quote: Ben @ May 27 2013, 5:33 PM BST

You've also chosen a decent 'situation' - as far as I'm aware there's not been a barrister based sitcom before.

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There has been a couple I can remember - I really liked the BBC's 'Outlaws'

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Chambers, Brothers in Law, Rumpole (okay, that was a comedy drama).

The only sitcom I can think of is "Chambers". The others are comedy dramas or films.

I am writing about it because it is a world I know extremely well, but I do believe there is a place in the market for a courtroom sitcom. The success of shows such as "Silk" and "Criminal Justice" demonstrate a public appetite for this kind of subject.

Hi Jennie,

Outlaws was a hard edged 2004 sitcom starring Phil Daniels - never really caught on but I loved it.

Looking forward to reading more of your sitcom.

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OK - the next bit.

I have missed a scene out, as I have almost completely changed it, so it seems pointless to put up an old scene.

Charles' big case is prosecuting a local reality TV star. He has been charged with sexual assault - by allegedly groping the bum of a Russian model. The defendant says that he tripped fell over and reached out blindly. It was all an accident.

Meanwhile, Ellie is getting threatening notes...

INT. COURT CORRIDOR - DAY

ELLIE SCUTTLES DOWN THE CORRIDOR. HER COFFEE IS PRECARIOUSLY PERCHED ON THE TOP OF HER FILES.

SOMEONE KNOCKS INTO HER. HER COFFEE GOES FLYING. SHE DOES NOT SEE WHO BUMPED INTO HER.

AS SHE COLLECTS HER FILES, SHE FINDS AN ICED FAIRY CAKE. WRITTEN ON THE ICING IS: "I'VE GOT HARRY. TWO DAYS".

INT. COURT CAFE - DAY

RORY JAMES SITS AT ONE OF THE IDENTIKIT PLASTIC TABLES. IN HIS MID 60's, HE IS THE FAT CONTROLLER IN HIS LEGAL INCARNATION.

DESPITE THE HUMBLE SURROUNDINGS, HE HAS CREATED A 1970's FINE DINING EXPERIENCE; THREE SETS OF CUTLERY, COTTON NAPKIN, CANDELABRA.

ELLIE SITS OPPOSITE HIM, HEAD IN HANDS. BERYL HOVERS IN THE BACKGROUND.

RORY
I simply don't understand how anyone could ever be short of money. I always have plenty myself.

ELLIE
I know it's difficult for a Head of Chambers to imagine. I'm desperate. If I don't pay her back, she's going to hurt someone. Someone I love.

SHE LOOKS OVER AT BERYL, WHO IS GLARING AT HER, MENACINGLY DUNKING A TEA-BAG.

RORY
Ah. A worthy adversary.

BERYL INTERRUPTS THEM WITH A PLATE.

BERYL
Gingerbread man sir?

RORY
I don't think I ordered...

BERYL
I'll get you a fresh knife, sir. I always use a fresh nice. It make the cut that much...cleaner.

BERYL GLARES AT ELLIE AND LEAVES.

ELLIE
You see? What can I do?

RORY
That depends. Has she offered you a Cherry and Sultana Danish yet?

ELLIE
How did you know?

RORY
That's her mark. A sign to her henchmen that you must be eliminated. The situation is more desperate than I anticipated. I suggest you employ Code Red.

ELLIE
Code Red?

RORY
Yes. You must sell one of your family yachts.

ELLIE
I don't have a yacht?

RORY
Not even a small one moored somewhere unmentionable and Northern?

ELLIE
My cousin bought a blow up dinghy in Weymouth once.

RORY
What about your inheritance? Off shore tax funds? Rich great aunt in the country?

ELLIE
I don't have any of those things.

RORY
Remind me, how exactly is it that you came to pursue a career at the Bar?

ELLIE
I worked hard.

RORY
How terribly modern.

BERYL RETURNS. SHE HAS A LARGE CARVING KNIFE, FAR TOO BIG FOR THE LITTLE GINGERBREAD MAN.

BERYL
Let me carve it for you sir.

RORY
Oh, I don't think that is nec..

BERYL LOOKS AT ELLIE AND SLOWLY CUTS THE ARMS AND LEGS OFF THE GINGERBREAD MAN.

BERYL
I always find they're much less trouble without arms and legs sir.

SHE RETURNS TO THE COUNTER.

RORY
There is one final option.

ELLIE
Anything. I will do anything.

RORY
I am led to believe that Charles Davies has entangled himself in a smutty brouhaha between a local luminary of reality television and a flaxen-haired Russian Jezebel.

ELLIE
How...quaint.

RORY
Charles requires a paid lackey. A docile subordinate to take the burden of the ignoble humdrum whilst he basks in the resplendent glory of his own achievement. I thought of you straight away.

ELLIE
No. Please God no. I can't work for him. It would be too humiliating to go to him for money. Surely there must be another option?

RORY
I knew you would jump at the chance. I will speak to him and get you started. Remember, if you ever need a listening ear, you know where to come. Now, I think it would be kinder to put our dismembered friend out of his misery. Are you going to inflict the fatal blow, or shall I?

HE PICKS UP THE GINGERBREAD MAN AND BITES THE HEAD OFF. ELLIE SLUMPS, HEAD IN HANDS.

INT. COURT FOUR - BIMPTON CROWN COURT - DAY

THE COURT IS DECKED OUT LIKE A POLITICIAN'S CAMPAIGN OFFICE. BALLOONS, POSTERS AND FLYERS FILL THE ROOM. EVERY ONE IS EMBLAZONED WITH CHARLES' FACE.

CHARLES IS SIGNING PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL AND DRINKING A LARGE GLASS OF COGNAC.

ELLIE BLOWS UP HER 573th BALLOON. SHE HAS BEEN WORKING FOR SOME TIME AND IS FED UP.

ELLIE
Right. I've got the frisbees, the yo-yos, the stress balls, the mugs, the keyrings, the snow domes and the coasters. They all fit in with our whimsical legal theme. Although I am not sure these give the right impression.

SHE HOLDS UP A PAIR OF FLUFFY HANDCUFFS.

CHARLES
Nonsense. They are perfect. We shall unleash all of this at my post-victory press conference on the court steps. Tomorrow will be the pinnacle of my career. Louis Tanner will be convicted of sexual assault. His life and career in tatters. It shall be a glorious day.

ELLIE
What if he's found not guilty? What if the jury believe him?

CHARLES
Of course they won't believe him. Even you have never accidentally shoved your hands down someone's pants. You, who have all the natural grace and elegance of an intoxicated hippo after an extended ride on the spinning teacups.

ELLIE PICKS UP A PROMOTIONAL RUBBER BALL - A MINIATURE VERSION OF CHARLES' HEAD. SHE PUMMELS IT BETWEEN HER FINGERS.

[b/]CHARLES[/b]
Please find another outlet for your passive-aggressive anxiety.

ELLIE
I could use your real head.

CHARLES
No you couldn't. I am your saviour, remember? I am vanquishing the evil that is Beryl. You know, I have never understood why you let people treat you with such utter contempt.

ELLIE
It's how things happen.

CHARLES
It's how you let things happen. You should have a bit more faith. I happen to know that some people think rather highly of you.

ELLIE
Like you?

CHARLES CONSIDERS HER FOR A MOMENT.

CHARLES
Oh God now. You are the human equivalent of a social networking site. An overly-invasive irritant, tolerable only as the occasional reminder of the superiority of one's own existence.

ELLIE SLAMS THE RUBBER BALL CHARLES AGAINST THE WALL AND CATCHES IT. SHE MUTTERS TO HERSELF IN TIME WITH THE BOUNCE.

ELLIE
Think of the money. Think of the money.

CHARLES
Loathed as I am to hasten your tedious mental disintegration, there is something I should tell you.

ELLIE STOPS THE BOUNCING. SILENCE.

CHARLES
Last night, I underwent a routine but expensive medical procedure.

ELLIE
What procedure?

CHARLES
Botox.

ELLIE GRABS A PAIR OF SCISSORS AND BEGINS TO DESTROY THE RUBBER BALL CHARLES.

CHARLES
Put me down.

ELLIE COMPLIES BY DROPPING THE INDIVIDUAL PIECES OF RUBBER INTO HIS GLASS OF COGNAC.

ELLIE
Where is my money?

CHARLES POINTS TO HIS FOREHEAD

CHARLES
See that frown line?

ELLIE
No.

CHARLES
Exactly.

ELLIE
You have spent all my money! Tomorrow is my deadline! Beryl is going to hurt Harry! I'm going to get my legs chopped off!

CHARLES
Do look on the bright side. At least then your tights won't fall down.

Brothers in Law, based on Henry Cecil's books was listed as a sitcom, but it is a underused subject.

Much as I would enjoy reading all of it, maybe try and work out where you are going to sub it to?

Didn't a couple of chaps rubbish it,Beaky?I thought Jennie said this at the start of the thread.

Ok by the standards of critique this is pretty good, snappy lines, an actual plot and some fairly strong characters.

But in the words of Shakespeare;

"we have not come to praise Shakespeare, but to bury him"

And by that I mean I'm assuming you want to know in our collective inexpert opininion why the BBC isn't knocking down your door.

So here is my inexpert opinion.

1 There's a lot of zig zagging dialogue, where characters stand still and exchange jokes. It doesn't move the plot forward and pretty much all your lines should be aiming to do that.

2 The initial slapstick getting ready for court, seems a bit I dunno over played? You should be able to get the impression she's a loveable ditz without her practically having a seizure.

3 I don't entirely get the relationship between ellie and charles. I know their barristers and coleagues. But is he a patronising dad figure, does he fancy her? With out that underlying relationship it means they sound like characters in a 1930s screwball comedy. Which is great but not really sitcom.

4 Jamie Swan is I think has been identified as a really funny character. But all his funny is in stage directions, and all the audience would see is a learning disabled gay banging on glass. Write him into the script more, even if he's silent have him spoken about. I really wanna know how he robs ice cream vans?

5 Beryl is quite a good idea, but her lines are over played. She's incredibly evil and menacing from the get go so she's got no where to go. And she feels very much like an added lump of tension, who actually slows the action. You don't need a huge over powering reason for a character to need money.

So overall this is good stuff, fast pacy, strong setting and some very good lines. Definitely one of the better things to come out of critique in a while.

But...

I want to feel a more natural relationship between the characters, with humour growing out of that. I want less self concious wackiness and try and make the dialogue a bit more naturalistic.

Quote: Ben @ May 27 2013, 5:33 PM BST

You've also chosen a decent 'situation' - as far as I'm aware there's not been a barrister based sitcom before.

View original

There's a simple solution invented in the 1980s for making any sitcom setting fresh.

Make one of the characters a robot.

Quote: Tim Azure @ July 14 2013, 9:51 PM BST

Brothers in Law, based on Henry Cecil's books was listed as a sitcom, but it is a underused subject.

Much as I would enjoy reading all of it, maybe try and work out where you are going to sub it to?

View original

Thanks Tim. Things are moving forward in that department, but it still needs a lot of re-writing and improving. Which is why I'm here

Sooty - that is exactly what I need, and want - thank you. It is interesting, a lot of the things you identify had already been going round my head too. I agree that the main characters need a better defined relationship.

In the new draft (which is longer - the original was written for Sitcom Mission) Jamie has a bigger role.

Thanks for taking the time to read it.

pleasure, one thing I found helped when distance working on my last sitcom was when sending ideas I essentially interviewed all the characters by an unseen narrator.

So something like

CHARLES

I'm a barrister, bit of a dark horse really daddy thought I'd be a QC by now what with having gone to Eton and Oxford. But secretly I like the chavvy atmosphere to be found in chambers.

Ellie nice girl. Very nice girl if you know what I mean. Needs the firm hand of an experienced barrister to show her the way.

Bit shit that but you get what I mean.

DESPITE THE HUMBLE SURROUNDINGS, HE HAS CREATED A 1970's FINE DINING EXPERIENCE; THREE SETS OF CUTLERY, COTTON NAPKIN, CANDELABRA.

RORY
Yes. You must sell one of your family yachts.

You've painted a brilliant picture of this character just from these 2 lines and they are as witty as a room full of witty people.Roger Allam from Endeavour for Rory.He'd eat it alive.He's the really funny character in the whole thing .If I had any natural talent for this comedy writing lark instead of being a Bengal Lancer I would write like you.
SootyJ your talent lies in being a critic.Get a job as a producer or script editor.

Not sure if that's a compliment, script editors are ususally viewed by writers in the same manner sheep view sheep dogs.

I just reread the Charles and Ellie scene and I think that one works really well. THey're both quite distinctive characters, and their relationship is crystal clear. So it's immediately apparent how they relate (one niggle is Beryl is a bit to present).

It's also got one of my absolute favourite tropes, the arrogant character who doesn't listen to the desperate one. And that's played beautifully and it ends on a sort of mini cliff hanger. Ellie having to work for her rival.

So yeh if you could make that a model for the rest of the episode?

Quote: Jaicee @ July 15 2013, 9:56 AM BST

Didn't a couple of chaps rubbish it,Beaky?I thought Jennie said this at the start of the thread.

View original

I meant more that they had critiqued it extensively, rather than rubbishing it. I was one of the runner ups in their competition, so they must have liked it a bit.

But everything can be improved. I don't want to settle, I want it to be the best it can be.

Whilst I adore my friends and family, they have neither the heart or the knowledge to critique it properly. They love me, want to encourage me and don't want to hurt me, which means they hold back on their honesty. Even if they don't like something, they often don't know why they don't like it, or how it can be made better.

That is why I think this forum is invaluable. You get honesty and people who have a fair idea what they are talking about. Perfect.

Edit: just read what you and Sooty have said. Thank you, that is really encouraging, which I need at the moment. (Feeling a bit down about the whole process, so it is so nice to have a bit of a confidence boost!)

Heh it's good stuff getting it perfect is the pushing the rock up a hill bit.