Quote: William Daniels @ July 25 2013, 3:42 PM BSTI think you could have a barrister that is maybe more plonker than pompous.
Hi William,
Thanks for your feedback! I considered this, but for the reason Tim said, decided against it. Charles gets his comeuppance - he ends the episode with a broken arm and a pending sexual assault trial. I am hopeful that this will make him more human. Could you explain exactly what you mean by "punchier"?
Thanks for taking the time to read it.
Hi all,
Could really do with some help with my opening scene. The basic idea has been going around my head for weeks. But somehow - it isn't working. I am loathed to let it go, because I am totally in love with the idea. But like all romances, I am wondering if my objectivity is being compromised by the strength of my feelings.
So I have just had a go at sketching out the basic scene. I wrote this in 10 mins, and it obviously needs a LOT of work. But before I go further with it, would you mind having a quick read?
If it is completely hopeless then I shall abandon it and move on.
Thanks! 
INT. COURT ROOM - BIMPTON CROWN COURT - DAY
The court is abuzz with anticipation. Lots of people mill around.
CHARLES DAVIES (37) sits in the dock flanked by two security guards. He is wearing his barrister's gown.
He is screened from the rest of the court by a large pane of glass. Using the glass as a mirror, Charles painstakingly ushers a single lock of hair into place.
At the door of the court, ELLIE YOUNG (28) is ushering a large group of barristers to the public gallery. Each one gives her a ticket.
Charles finally manages to get the lock of hair into the perfect position. He painstakingly puts his wig on, thereby covering all of his hair.
The court quietens.
A WOMAN sitting a few rows away from Charles smiles at him. He smiles back and raises an eyebrow.
CLERK
Will the defendant please stand.
Charles gets up.
CLERK
Will the foreman of the jury please stand.
The woman gets up.
CLERK
Madame Foreman, have the jury reached a verdict upon which they are all agreed?
WOMAN
We have.
In the public gallery, Ellie is noisily working her way through a large box of popcorn.
CHARLES (to security guards)
Bovine ancestry. No opposable thumbs.
CLERK
On the charge of bigamy, do you find the defendant Charles Davies guilty or not guilty?
Charles looks at the woman with a puppy dog expression.
WOMAN
Guilty.
Charles collapses against the dock, heartbroken.
SECURITY GUARD:
I'm sorry mate. These things happen.
CHARLES
I've lost everything.
SECURITY GUARD:
Time to face the consequences, I'm afraid. You went into this willingly. You lost. Now you have to pay.
He puts his hand out to Charles.
CHARLES
Oh come on, I've just been convicted.
SECURITY GUARD:
I'm sorry son. You've only got yourself to blame.
Charles sighs and reaches into his pocket for his wallet. He pulls out £20 and gives it to the security guard.
The security guard pockets the £20 and puts his hand out again.
Charles empties his entire wallet into his hand.
The security guard still waits.
Eventually, Charles pulls out the key to his jag and hands it over.
JUDGE:
Charles Davies, stand up please. You have been convicted by this jury of bigamy. I am entirely satisfied that you are a callous, conniving, devious individual, motivated solely by the dual considerations of your loins and your wallet. You are without the merest shred of moral fibre or basic human decency.
At every remark, Charles nods and smiles. He is flattered.
JUDGE:
You have sullied the reputation of decent, hardworking barristers everywhere.
In the public gallery, Ellie spills her entire box of popcorn over members of the local press.
JUDGE:
Do you have anything to say before I pass sentence.
CHARLES:
It seems I am going to need a lift to Sir Geoffrey's garden party tomorrow. Any chance you and Rosie could swing by in the Lambo, say 8ish? I'll wait in the usual spot.
Its fun and enjoyable if a little confusing
Is this a dream sequence? Why's charles reactions swinging around so much from acceptance to panic?
That was my fear, Sooty - that is comes across a bit dream-like (read over whacky and try-hard).
It's not a dream. In the old script, Ellie refers to Charles' recent bigamy conviction. I thought actually showing the conviction would be an excellent way of introducing the characters and add drama. I also adds an extra incentive for Charles to do well at his big trial - he is trying to restore his reputation.
Although it isn't very clearly expressed in my rough draft, Charles has bet on the outcome of his trial. He loses, and is more upset about that than the actual verdict.
I think my attachment to the scene comes its scope to endow Charles with characteristics very early on (in the form of the judges comments). I want to show that he is sharp, vain, irreverent and selfish.
Thanks for the feedback, Tim, having written it out, I think I might keep going with it. I wonder if I do too much planning in my head sometimes, rather than just getting it down.
I think you're a good enough writer you can get the idea over without over playing.
I think in the original scene one you were onto more of a winner. Just take our heroine through a regular start to the day, made worse by her ditziness and other foibles.
I think if Charles isn't the main character starting on an intro to him is confusing.
nb I can picture her leaving her handbag on an ambulance and chasing after it, whilst someone says
"bloody ambulance chasing lawyers"
I'd have a think of the cost implications too Jennie and apply your own rules about what every line should do too
Quote: Marc P @ August 5 2013, 3:06 PM BSTI'd have a think of the cost implications too Jennie and apply your own rules about what every line should do too
Oh sweetie, I only spout rules - I don't actually follow them 
Thanks - you at right, as you occasionally are. This would involve a lot of extras.
Suppose I'll have to put that helicopter scene on the back burner. 
Quote: sootyj @ August 5 2013, 2:50 PM BSTnb I can picture her leaving her handbag on an ambulance and chasing after it, whilst someone says
"bloody ambulance chasing lawyers"
Ooh..can I have this? The episode ends with Charles beaten to a pulp by a hoard of journalists. There is definitely scope for this!
Quote: Jennie @ August 5 2013, 3:35 PM BSTOh sweetie, I only spout rules - I don't actually follow them
Thanks - you at right, as you occasionally are. This would involve a lot of extras.
Suppose I'll have to put that helicopter scene on the back burner.
The episode ends with Charles beaten to a pulp by a hoard of journalists. There is definitely scope for this!
It's more the implications of building the set etc. If it's for radio of course it wouldn't matter. I think also you want to make a decision if this is a single or multi camera sitcom. And that is probably best dictated by what people are looking for.
Definitely multi-cam.
The set is a real issue though, I agree.
I have already decided I don't want to set it in Chambers. Because a)"Chambers" has already done it and b) the theatre of the courtroom is where it's at.
But, a court set would be quite expensive.
Quote: Marc P @ August 5 2013, 3:06 PM BSTI'd have a think of the cost implications too Jennie and apply your own rules about what every line should do too
Also - is this about the whole thing or just the last scene?
I thought you were maintaining a diplomatic silence on my sitcom
Might be cheaper to shoot the court scenes at the Galleries of Justice Nottingham. They have a couple of real disused courts they hire out.
Not keen on the reworked opening scene as Ellie might as well not be in it at all.
If you do open with Charles's trial - what about having him standing in his Barristers position when the Judge enters and exasperatedly asks if he would be so kind as to step into the dock for the verdict!
Playful - I grew up in Nottingham, and was just thinking of that!
There are also disused courts at the Guildhall, although I don't know if they are still open.
Thanks - didn't know that. My grammar is awful. I still struggle with practice and practise!
Will ignore the lawyers comment
Feels like a bit too much dramatic buildup for the opening to a sitcom; the big buildup feels more like setting the scene for a season finale. It's not that it doesn't *work* so much as it sets expectations for comparable levels of drama at other points in the episode quite high.
That aside it's rather nicely done (although I think the "bovine ancestry" line could be improved upon or omitted)
The judge's comments and Charles' reaction aren't really necessary to convey his character which is abundantly clear from the dialogue (and the pithy description) in the original first scene. I'd focus more on whether it works in the context of setting up the theme for the rest of the episode or makes the middle feel a bit flat.
That is an excellent point, Enigmatic. It does set the expectation of drama too high. That has made my mind up. Back to the old opening scene (but made better - everything must be made better).
This is so hard sometimes
Quote: Jennie @ August 5 2013, 4:05 PM BSTDefinitely multi-cam.
The set is a real issue though, I agree.
I have already decided I don't want to set it in Chambers. Because a)"Chambers" has already done it and b) the theatre of the courtroom is where it's at.
But, a court set would be quite expensive.
Also - is this about the whole thing or just the last scene?
I thought you were maintaining a diplomatic silence on my sitcom
No just hard to tell from a scene or two.. I'd read the whole thing. Have you seen the 'Denny Crane; show?'
Multi cam.. go home, go office.. court based v expensive. If the comedy comes from the exchange of the banter in the courtroom you are to use a legal expression... buggered. Think of the legs of the show. It's not about the obvious sit.. it's about the regular characters. Fawlty Towers only had two runs for a reason and Dad's Army had a lot for the same reason. Ish.