Quote: Jaicee @ July 15 2013, 12:48 PM BST

.Roger Allam from Endeavour for Rory.He'd eat it alive.He's the really funny character in the whole thing .

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This interests me, I thought Rory was the most boring of the four. The bar is full of Rory's - the last remnants of a bygone age, coming face to face with modernity.

I also reluctantly agree that Beryl needs toning down. I love her - a mafia queen operating out of a criminal court. I love her sinister metaphors and could write them all day. But she is perhaps too much of a caricature.

Quote: sootyj @ July 15 2013, 10:30 AM BST

5 Beryl is quite a good idea, but her lines are over played. She's incredibly evil and menacing from the get go so she's got no where to go. And she feels very much like an added lump of tension, who actually slows the action. You don't need a huge over powering reason for a character to need money.

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I agree with the point Sootyj made. Beryl is a bit one dimensional. Might it work better if she appears to be kind and helpful at first - reassuring Ellie not to worry that 'she knows Ellie will pay her back'. Then getting gradually more threatening as the episode moves on. Maybe one of the other characters could first express fear or concern that Ellie had ever become entangled with 'Beryl Cleaver'

"Cleaver's not her real name you know, it's a nickname the Krays gave her"

Please feel free to ignore all the above.

Keep writing and good luck with it.

playfull

Quote: playfull @ July 15 2013, 4:44 PM BST

I agree with the point Sootyj made. Beryl is a bit one dimensional. Might it work better if she appears to be kind and helpful at first - reassuring Ellie not to worry that 'she knows Ellie will pay her back'. Then getting gradually more threatening as the episode moves on. Maybe one of the other characters could first express fear or concern that Ellie had ever become entangled with 'Beryl Cleaver'

"Cleaver's not her real name you know, it's a nickname the Krays gave her"

Please feel free to ignore all the above.

Keep writing and good luck with it.

playfull

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Completely agree. And I had toyed with the idea of giving her a mafia name. Just couldn't think of one strong enough!

I'd say watch some sopranos to get the feel for funny/evil sociopaths

Sent as a pm

playfull

The fact Rory's a cliche to you makes him funny to everyone else,though.Most of us don't work in the legal system so he's got a lot of comedic value for the rest of the world.Is this what these people are like?Does he have an interpreter when he has to talk to non-RP speakers, for instance? Maybe. I wouldn't know but it wouldn't surprise me if he had .We're seeing these people from the main female character's point of view as the archaic figures they are which is funny.The old fish out of water cliche.Anyway you know better than any of us what you're doing and you need advice like you need a hole in the head.Cheers.

I'm wondering if it's worth sending this to the scriptwriters of Hollyoaks or Corrie, they must always have legal storylines and need good writers who know what they're talking about...

Okay, if you're anything like me you probably hate soaps with a passion, but it's just a suggestion...

Ok, there's no doubt you can write. The dialogue and situation are excellent, it just doesn't seem very funny, but maybe that's just me. It also feels like Ellie is the straight woman, with most of her dialogue being used as a set up for everyone elses punchline. Although maybe that's what you intended I don't know.

I'm also not too sure the debt story works. Maybe further down the line but unless I'm missing a few scenes there's no mention of why she's loaned the money or what it's for. Even though it's a sitcom I have to care about the character at least to some degree, but unless I know why and how she got into this situation, I dont.

Thanks for the comments, Steven, I appreciate them. I think you've hit upon the problem with Ellie, but I would put it in a slightly different way.

I like the fact she is the straight woman - she is the agent of the viewer. The problem with her is that she is too passive. It is that which renders her boring. I am trying to rectify that.

That's a really good idea Tim, I hadn't thought of that. It always annoys me when they get it wrong.

Really enjoyed it and how about the girl from Him and Her as Ellie.

Quote: Jennie @ July 16 2013, 5:05 PM BST

It always annoys me when they get it wrong.

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Just out of curiosity, would it bother you if a sitcom got it wrong?

Quote: Ulysses @ July 17 2013, 7:58 PM BST

Just out of curiosity, would it bother you if a sitcom got it wrong?

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Don't know really - it depends. Happy to sacrifice accuracy in favour of the joke. The court martial scene in Blackadder IV remains one of my favourite scenes in sitcom history:

GEORGE
I firmly believe, that like me, you will conclude that Captain Blackadder is in fact, totally and utterly, GUILTY......of nothing more than trying to do his duty
under difficult circumstances.

Love it.

Quote: OTTY @ July 17 2013, 10:54 AM BST

Really enjoyed it and how about the girl from Him and Her as Ellie.

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Thanks!

And being completely honest..I'd want to play Ellie.

Quote: Jennie @ July 17 2013, 11:44 PM BST

And being completely honest..I'd want to play Ellie.

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Where do you leave all those shoes then eh? Eh?

I like this idea and I think Ellie is a good protagonist. It could do with being a little punchier though. I agree with playful that Beryl would work better staring out nice and getting more evil. I also think that although there is great comedy potential with Charles and Rory, they really don't seem likeable at all, maybe that's what you want, but they might be a little overbearingly pompous to watch week in week out. You could definitely have some great characters in this environment. I have a lot of lawyers in my family so I can see the truth in it but I think you could have a barrister that is maybe more plonker than pompous. I'm always telling my dad he's like David Brent (he's not really) but the idea of lawyer who is always trying to be funny and failing, telling crap jokes could be a good addition, just an idea, but there is definite potential in this one.

I think making him like David Brent is too formulaic. Besides no one would chose him as their lawyer.