Hi. Sorry for haunting you with my Town Heads bollox. I think it needs a different ending though. I am open to suggestions. Oh and also what you think of it of course.

Sarah & Jon are holding a dinner party for their friends Vicky & Ben. Also invited is Sarah’s brother Luke and his new girlfriend whom they have all yet to meet.

INTRO
Sarah & Vicky in the kitchen cutting veg.

Sarah
Luke is bringing his brand spanking new girlfriend round.

Vicky
Is she like all the others?

Sarah
You mean sluty (Giggles). I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine

Vicky
I bet she is. His girlfriends normally are well let’s say very blatant. What happened to that Mary or Marie or whatever her name was.

Sarah
It was Martine. Well she put ½ a stone on. I think she ate 3 eclairs after a big Sunday roast once. Luke was horrified. Dumped her that evening. He reckoned he saw her waist expand as she scoffed.

They both chuckle.
A shout emerges from the Living room.

Jon
We are Fer Kin (Tarzan style holler) Sta ar ar ar ving here. What time is that tart arriving with his new whorelet. When will dinner be ready. A guy could become emaciated here.

Sarah
That would take years you fat bastard.

Jon
I bet if we were George Clooney & Colin Farrell, we’d have been fed by now.

Sarah
You two are more George Balooney & Colin Barrell.

The door bell rings. Sarah wipes her hands and goes to answer. Luke & his new girlfriend have arrived.

Luke
Hi Sis, this is Nina. Nina, Sarah.

Nina tries to hide her surprise. Nina is in a classy suit with a warm smile on her face.

Sarah returns the smile & ushers them into the living room, introduces Nina to the astonished guys.

Sarah
Nina would you like a drink?

Nina
(Well spoken voice) A glass of white wine would be fabulous thank you.

Sarah goes back into the kitchen.

Sarah
Did you cop a load of Lukes new lady?

Vicky
No I have been chopping your onions. Look at the state of me. My eyes are black with mascara now. I look like a battered wife. I will take the drinks through & meet her then. Is she a bimbo?

Sarah
No! That’s the shocker. She seems classy, well spoken. Nothing like the others. She is nice. I like her already.

Vicky goes through to greet Nina with a raised eyebrow.

Cut to them all sitting at the table eating dinner.

Luke
So Sarah, how is work?

Sarah
The same old.

Nina
May I ask what you do Sarah?

Ben
Ewwwwww! Not when we are eating.

Sarah
I am a midwife.

Nina
Fascinating. I am a bank clerk. I get to look at figures all day too.

Tom & Ben chortle.

Nina
It must be something else to be elbow deep in fanny’s though.

The dinner table goes quiet.

Nina
I mean you must see some horrific sites.

Jon
(Talks with his mouth full) I am trying to eat here.

Nina
All that blood & yukky stuff.

Vicky tries to change the subject.

Vicky
I got my promotion.

Nina
What does the after birth look like Sarah. Is it just a big round goo bag filled with blood. Is it true that some cultures eat it?

Ben
I don’t think I can eat anymore.

Jon sticks his fingers in his ears and places his face in the plate and slurps up the remaining food.

Luke has a go at changing the subject.

Luke
Nina Honey tell my sister about that attempted robbery at your bank.

Nina
Does a vagina really shrink back to its original size after birth, even after stitches. I tell you that must f**king hurt getting stitches in your crack?

Luke
This guy came into the bank & ………….

Nina
Does the Inner labia stretch. An ex boyfriend of mine thought I had given birth due to my extraordinarily long inner labia.

Ben
Is there any pudding?

Sarah
Fruit fool.

Ben
Erm! I don’t think I can eat it. Can I take some home with me.

Nina
I heard that a lot of women shit themselves while giving birth. Must be all that pushing.

Luke
(Shouts) Nina! Maybe Sarah will answer all your questions after dinner.

Nina
Of course. Silly me.

Nina starts to laugh. A weird crazy laugh like a car desperatley trying to start. Her top lip is peeled back like some demented horse. (her heh her heher heher heher herrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

The whole table put their forks down in shock. Eventualy she calms herself.

Sarah
Vicky you were saying about your promotion.

Vicky
Yes. More money & responsibility

Nina
What do you do Vicky?

The table goes quiet.

Vicky
Erm!

Ben
(whispers) Please don’t tell her, my stomach couldn’t take it.

Jon
Can I eat my pudding before you answer that question pleeeeease?

Sarah
How about after dinner we have a game of monopoly or something, we can do a quiz even.

Nina
(eyes narrowed) I don’t like games. I despise to lose. Quiz’s are ok though as long as they are mathematical. I am good with figures. Non screaming bloody birthing ones that is.

Nina does her laugh again (her heherhe herrrrrrrrr)

Nina
Anyway Vicky was about to tell me her line of work.

Vicky
Erm! I work for a clinic.

Nina
What kind of clinic

Ben
I think I am going to go down the pub, Do you fancy coming guys?

Luke & Jon chorus yep.

Vicky
I should be going home actually Sarah. Erm! I will catch up with you later ok.

Sarah
But…….

Nina
So Sarah now we have finished eating and its just the two of us here, tell me, do you ever have a little twiddle of a womans clity when your groping her innards.

That was brilliant (as per usual). I don't think it needs to be changed in fact Nina reffering back to 'Non screaming bloody birthing' figures really made me laugh out loud, which I rarely do. Also its great that you avoided the classic comedy stereotype of women always hating each other, which for a moment (stupidly) I thought you were going to use.

So to sum up great, great, great. Keep going.

I haven't really dug the others but credit where credit's due, I thought that was quality.

'It must be something to be elbow deep in fannies though', being a favourite line of mine...fantastic and out of the blue.

I wouldn't put the vagina shrinking and the labia stretching in though. That may over do it. Too many examples of over the topness from nina's behalf may become irksome. I would keep the women shitting themselves bit in though, you can't go far wrong with a shitting themselves remark.

Didn't mind the ending either. All in all I enjoyed it.

So how long did you go out with Luke then Charley - er sorry Nina??????

Usual standard I'm afraid.

I thought it was pretty funny ... and Charley is now writing lengthy scripts ... so watch out peeps, she's gonna roll over the whole darn lot of us sooner or later!!
In retrospect that's not such an unpleasant idea ... love the post-Maldives pics of her's truly (assuming it is her's-truly!). Now, where'd I put the glass of red?!?

Now there's a thought!!!!!!!

Hi Guys.
David Luke is my brother. I guess I could date him but it may be a trifle sicko. LOL

Losaavedera. That is me day 2 of my Maldivian holiday.

Thanks for the comments guy's.
The sketch is a little experiment that I enjoyed writing. A few tweaks here & there are maybe needed.
Thanks again.
xx

I loved this - keep it up, Charley!

I loved it too. There`s some real laugh out loud moments.

Brilliant

It was f**king weird but I loved it and I'd love to see it performed.

Hi there,

I find this work lacks any warmth or charm. It has a schoolboyish crudity.
The lack of character means we're left with some rather two dimensional cut-outs making rather nasty comments at each other.
It is the written equivalent of a pub bully: hectoring, aggressive and, ultimately, not amusing.

Best wishes

"You two are more George Balooney & Colin Barrell"

LOL!

Quote: Alan Alexander @ June 1, 2007, 5:15 PM

Hi there,

I find this work lacks any warmth or charm. It has a schoolboyish crudity.
The lack of character means we're left with some rather two dimensional cut-outs making rather nasty comments at each other.
It is the written equivalent of a pub bully: hectoring, aggressive and, ultimately, not amusing.

Best wishes

View original

The alias loves it really. Thats why he/she feels a need to comment only on my stuff.
Or maybe it is me he wants. Show your face kind sir/madam, do not hide behind another!I can take 3 gueses and I am almost positive on who you are.

Quote: charley rance @ June 1, 2007, 5:46 PM

The alias loves it really. Thats why he feels a need to comment only on my stuff.
Or maybe it is me he wants. Show your face kind sir, do not hinde behind another!

View original

I have no idea what you are talking about.
Yours were the first two pieces I read. I genuinely am trying to offer some constructive criticism. There is nothing personal or underhand going on.
I am sorry I found your efforts to be poor, but please don't convince yourself that there is any vendetta or that I am masquerading as someone else.
Feel free to ignore my comments. It may be that you are a great writer and I am hopelessly wrong.
I do, however, seriously doubt this.
Best Wishes

I know!

Thanks for your help.

This is getting boring now and I too do not wish to get into a spat. Far to many important things to do.

Go have a rub in the tub and calm yourself down.

Your opinion has been noted. Thankyou for taking the time to read all my posts.

Best wishes to you too my friend and welcome to the BSG board.