THIS IS ONLY A SMALL SAMPLE NEVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE JUST WANTED TO SEE IF I COULD ..THIS IS MY FIRST ROUGH DRAFT SO IM SORRY FOR SPELLINH ETC .. NOT THAT SORRY REALLY .. BUT YEAH ANYWAY ..FOOK IT HERE YOU GO

SCENE./ SMOKEY PUB: DAY (SO IDLE A ROGUE)

THE TRIO ARE IN A SMOKEY WORKING MENS CLUB MID AFTERNOON ITS BUSY BUT NOT PACKED. SAT ON A LOUNGE TABLE IN A CORNER. A FEW BEERS HAVE BEEN DRANK (THINK LESS TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND MORE EARLY DOORS FOR SETTING AND MOOD)

SEAN: YEAH BUT YOU KNOW WOT IM LIKE I GET ALL (STRANGE MUMBLEING MIME) ABOUT ANYTHING NEW AND YOU KNOW THAT

DARRAN: (LOOKS MINORLY AGITATED BY HIS COMMENTS)

SEAN: YEAH BUT WOTEVER IM JUST SAYING IT TAKES ME A WHILE TO GET INTO NEW STUFF. AS YOU WELL KNOW

DARRAN: YEAH BUT I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOUR LIKE THAT COS YOU ALWAYS GET INTO IT IN THE END ..WHY NOT JUST CUT OUT ALL THE (IMITATES MIME AGAIN) AND JUST ACCEPT THAT IM GOING TO BE RIGHT AND KNOW WOTS BEST FOR YOU.

KAKI: (ASIDE) SUCH HUMILITY

DARRAN: WOT ???

KAKI: NOTHING JUST … WITH THIS (MUMBLES AND FIDDLES WITH BEER MAT WITH A SLIGH GRIN)

DARRAN: SO COME ON TELL ME WEN HAVE I RECOMMENDED SOMETHING TO YOU, MUSIC, BOOKS, ANYTHING THAT YOU HAVENT LIKED IN THE END ??

SEAN: WELL YOU KNOW JUST (WIDE GRIN LOOKS AROUND) .. THERES BEEN A CPL ..

DARRAN: LIKE WOT ?? WOT HAVE YOU NOT LIKED IN THE END ???

KAKI : WHEN IS THIS END YOU SPEAKE OF EXACTLY ??

LAUGHTER ..

DARRAN: WHENS THE END ??.. ITS WEN HE STARTS GOING (EXAGERATED MIME OF SEAN) OH YEAH IM WELL INTO THIS YEAH YOU WERE RIGHT DARRAN AGAIN IM A LARGE TWAT ..I SHOULDN’T OF DOUBTED YOU

SEAN: (EXPLOSIVE LAUGHING, LOOKS INCREDULOUS) FUCK OFF !!

KAKI: ALWAYS MODESTY (ASIDE)

DARRAN: WERE’S THAT COME FROM EY ??? SAT OVER THERE CHUCKING IN COMMENTS (MIMES SMUG GREEK) OH MODEST, OOP THE ONE OOP . LIKE A LITTLE SMUG HOBBIT NARRATOR

KAKI: TOUCHY ..

DARRAN: FORGET IT IM NOT ARSED

SEAN: (AS IF COMING OUT OF DEEP THOUGHT) PASTIES !!

INSTANT LAUGHTER

KAKI: WERE ???

SEAN : NO I MEAN IVE NEVER

DARRAN: (INTERUPTING) WAS YOU JUST THINKING ALOUD ?? IS SEAN HUNGRY ??

KAKI: ITS LIKE FAT LAD TOURRETS

DARRAN: SAUSAGE (LAUGHTER)

SEAN: (SEEING THE FUNNY SIDE) NO NO IVE JUST NEVER LIKED PASTIES AND I NEVER WILL NO MATTER WOT ANY ONE SAYS

KAKI: WHO HAS EVER TRIED TO GET YOU INTO PASTIES ??

SEAN: YOU KNOW JUST PEOPLE (EXAGERATED INSISTANCE) EYYY GO ON HAVE A PASTIE.

DARRAN: I CANT SAY THAT’S EVER HAPPENED TO ME

BOTH KAKI AND DARRAN SHAKE THERE HEADS IN MUTUAL AGREEMENT OF THE FACT

SEAN: WELL WOTEVER ANYWAY THAT’S ONE

DARRAN: ONE WOT ???

SEAN: ONE THING IVE NEVER GOT INTO

DARRAN: PASTIES ??

SEAN: YEAH SO THERE YOU GO. THAT’S ONE THING IVE NEVER LIKED

DARRAN: THAT’S NOT WOT I SAID THOUGH ..

SEAN: (EXITEDLY APPEALING TO KAKI) IT FUCKIN WAS !!!

DARRAN: (LAUGHING) IT WASN’T !!

KAKI: NO THE POINT WAS WOT HAS HE TRIED TO GET YOU INTO THAT YOU DIDN’T END UP LIKEING IN THE END ??

SEAN: (REALISING) OH RIGH ….WELL THERES STILL LOADS

DARRAN: OBVIOUSLY

KAKI: ITS YOUR TURN FOR THE BAR THEN FAT LAD

SEAN: (REACHING TO PINCH KAKIS NIPPLE) OYY

KAKI: (RETREATING) STOP IT ….

KAKI REACTS A LITTLE MORE UNCOMFORTABLY THAN NORMAL

SEAN: SAME AGAIN THEN ??

THEY AGREE

CUT TO SCENES OF CLUB ..ROOM IS SMOKEY LOTS OF CHILDREN RUNNING AROUND UNDER TABLES IRRITATING OLDER MEMBERS, HACKING COUGHS OVER SIZED CHEAP JEWELLRY TRACKIES AND MAKEUP

BACK AT THE TABLE DARRAN AND KAKI INAUDIBLE CHATTER

ENTER TO THE SCENE A MIDDLE AGED CHUBBY MAN WITH HALF A PINT AND A COPY OF A PAPERANNOYINGLY HE OPTS TO SIT NEXT TO KAKI ON THE WALL SEATING AND AS AREULT PEOPLE HAVE TO BEGRUGINGLY MOVE UP TO ACCOMMODATE

SEAN RETURNS FROM THE BAR WITH THE DRINKS AND A PACKET LARGE PACKET OF PORK SCRATCHINGS IN HIS MOUTH

KAKI: (ACKNOWLEDGING THE PORK SNACK) OOP WONDERED HOW LONG IT WOULD BE (SMIRKS KNOWINGLY AT DARRAN)

SEAN: WOT ???

KAKI: NOTHING.

SEAN: NO GO ON WOTS HE ON ABOUT ???

KAKI : NOT ON ABOUT ANYTHING MATE (STILL SMIRKING SLIGHTLY)

SEAN: (AGGITATED AND PAROID) NO FUCK OFF RIGHT WOT HAVE YOU DONE ?? DAZ COME ON !!

DARRAN: HONESTLY MATE HE’S NOT DONE ANYTHING SIT DOWN. (SLIGHT SMIRK AT KAKI)
SEAN: NAH SERIOUSLY YOU’VE NOT DONE ANYTHING HAVE YOU ??

SEAN CHECKS HIS SURROUNDINGS

KAKI: HONESTLY MATE NOTHING HAS BEEN DONE

SEAN: YOU KNOW I DON’T LIKE TITTING ABOUT LIKE THAT

(KAKI FINALLY POINTS AT SEANS FATTY SNACK AND SEAN REALISES THE REASON FOR THERE SMIRKING)

SEAN: YEAH FUNNY .FUCK .. NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A LARGE MAMMAL

DARRAN: LOOK SIT DOWN WILL YOU

HE SITS

DRUNK MAN WITH PAPER: (READING AN ARTICLE IN THE PAPER)
ITS FUCKING OUT RAGEOUS !!!

THEY HEAR THE COMMENT AND MOMENTARLY PAUSE AND LOOK A LITTLE BEMUSED BUT THEN CONTINUE)

SEAN: YOU KNOW ME I JUST DON’T LIKE IT WEN YOU WIND ME UP…SUCH SILLY BEHAVIOUR

HE OPENS THE BAG OF SNACKS

DARRAN: THIS FROM THE MAN WHO WALKS THROUGH LIFE BEING TEMPTED BY OVERLY FRIENDLY SAVOURY ENTHUSIASTS.

LAUGHING

DARRAN: YOU FIND THAT SILLY.

SEAN: IM JUST SAYING I DON’T LIKE IT

KAKI: WELL THAT’S WHY NO ONES DONE ANYTHING

DRUNK MAN: ABSOLUTLY MAD .WERE A SOFT TOUCH THIS COUNTRY ..ARABS

SEAN LOOKING OVER A BIT AGITATED AT THE MANS REMARKS. THE MAN NOTICES HIM LOOKING BUT LOOKS AWAY

A BIT OF AN UN-COMFORTABLE SILENCE ENSUES

SEAN NOISILEY MUNCHES DOWN THE LAST PORK SCRATCHING ITS NOTICABLE HOW QUIKLY HE HAS EATEN THEM

DARRAN: NO ONE WAS GOING TO TAKE THEM OFF YOU, YOU KNOW

SEAN: LOOKS UP BUT CONTINUES NOISLY FINGERING THE PACKET TO GET THE LAST OF THE FATTY PORK FLAVOURING

KAKI: AND YOU WONDER WHY I COMMENT ON YOUR EATING HABITS ?

DRUNK MAN: THEY WANT SENDING BACK …. KILLING INNOCENT WOMAN AND KIDS LIKE THAT

SEAN HAVING HELD HIS TONGUE LONG ENOUGH SPEAKS UP

SEAN: LISTEN RIGHT MATE YOUR ENTITLED TO YOUR VIEWS AND IM PRETTY CERTAIN YOU KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE AGREE WITH YOU … (LOOKS AROUND) PROBABLY QUITE A FEW IN HERE, BUT SOME OF US DON’T APPRECIATE YOU TALKING LIKE THAT.

KAKI LOOKS NERVOUS

KAKI: (TO HIMSELF) DON’T INVOLVE ME

SEAN: (STILL AGITATED) MY MATE HAPPENS TO BE ONE OF THEM LOT YOUR REFERRING TO

DRUNK MAN: (STANDING UP) OH HE IS IS HE ???

KAKI: IM GREEK !! (DISMAYED)

SEAN: YEAH BUT FROM A DISTANCE AND THAT

KAKI: WOT DOES THAT MEAN IM FUCKING GREEK !!

CLUB MEMBERS BEGIN TO EVES DROP

OLD MAN: I DON’T WANT THEM LIVING IN MY COUNTRY

SEAN: NEITHER DO I !!!!

DARRAN: WOT !!! (AMAZED)

SEAN: NO NO I MEAN I DON’T WANT THE BAD ONES BUT THE REST YOU KNOW ..THERE ALL FINE IN MY BOOK

KAKI: BUT WOTS THAT GOT TO DO WITH ME ???

SEAN: SEAN WELL YOU KNOW ….. YOUR MORE LIKELY TO BE ONE THAN ME ….

KAKI: ONE WOT ??? WOT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

SEAN I MEAN IN THERE EYES NOT MINE ….

DARRAN: WHO’S EYES

SEAN POINTING AT WHOLE ROOM WHO ARE NOW PAYING MORE ATTENTION
SEAN: THE RACISTS

A RIPPLE OF SHOCK AND ANNOYANCE GOES AROUND THE VIEWING CLUB

RANDOM WOMAN: SORRY WHO’S A RACIST ?? (INDIGNANT)

SEAN: BACK TRACKING AS HE REALISES HIS MISTAKE) PEOPLE WHO THINK HES ONE OF THEM..

KAKI: (TO HIMSELF_) ME AGAIN …

RANDOM WOMAN: THINK HE’S ONE OF WHAT EXACTLY ??

SEAN YOU KNOW …(DOES TERRIBLY IN PROPER MIME OF A SUICIDE BOMBER)

DARRAN: WOT WAS THAT ???

SEAN: (POINTING AT KAKI) IT WAS ..

KAKI: DON’T LOOK AT ME

SEAN: (GRABBING OLD MANS PAPER) HE WAS GIVING IT ALL ..OHHH ARABS AND GREEKS .N WOTEVER SHOULD BE SENT HOME

DARRAN: HE NEVER SAID GREEKS

SEAN: I UST MEANT HE WAS WRONG THERE ALL FINE BY ME .ALL OF THEM AS LONG AS THEY DON’T DO EVIL TO ANY ONE IM ..IM ALL FOR IT ..

PEOPLE TURN BACK SLOWLY TO THERE DRINKING

SEAN HANDS PAPER BACK TO MAN

SEAN: SORRY IVE ERM ..GOT A BIT OF GREECE ON YOUR PAPER.. ITS ERM PORK .. PORK SCRATCHINGS …

You lost me in the first paragraph, before I even got to the script. Alienating your potential audience (with a FOOK IT) isn't a good idea.

If you want people to invest their time reading your work at least make sure you have invested some of your own time too. No potential writer should post a first draft. Self-editing is the first tool you should acquire.

And I thought it was just me. Sorry mate, but this just aint good enough.

WELL THANK YOU FOR THE "CRITIQUE" THERE GUYS PLENTY OF TAKE HOME VALUE IM SURE .SPECIALLY YOU BAUMSKI . YOUR DEEP INSIGHT AND ANALYSIS COUPLED BY YOUR ASTUTE ABILITY TO EXPLAIN COMPLEX IDEAS IN LAYMANS TERMS WILL IM SURE BE OF A GREAT USE TO AN ENTIRE GENERATION OF FIRST TIME WRITERS, ARTISTS AND THINKERS AS WELL AS MANY GENERATIONS TO COME ..NOW WOULD ANY BODY CARE TO HELP ME OUT WITH SOME CRITICISM THAT I CAN LEARN FROM AND ISN'T BASED AS FAR AS I CAN GATHER PURELY ON THE FACT THAT IM SHITTY AT INTRODUCTORY PARAGRAPHS ..I SERIOUSLY WOULD LIKE SOME USEFUL POINTERS AND CRITICISMS AS A FIRST TIME POSTER OR "NEWBIE" (A TITLE THAT DOES WONDERS TO EASE PEOPLES CONCERNS ABOUT MAKING A FIRST TIME POST) I REALLY DO VALUE AND WANT THE OPINIONS OF OTHERS..

THANK YOU IN ADVANCE TO ANYBODY WHO TAKES THE TIME TO HELP

Is your caps lock broken? It was a strain on the eyes to read it all in upper-case. So I only got about a third of the way down so I can't really comment yet. And also regardless of the pronunciation I personally prefer words to be spelled correctly e.g. wotever/wot/cpl. I don't know what the accepted standard on that is though.

Change lines like:

SEAN: YEAH BUT WOTEVER IM JUST SAYING IT TAKES ME A WHILE TO GET INTO NEW STUFF. AS YOU WELL KNOW

To:

SEAN
Yeah but whatever, I'm just saying it takes a while to get into new stuff. As you well know.

A bit better layout and you'll get more willing volunteers to read and help.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THAT SHOEPIE. THAT'S REALLY ALL I HAVE BEEN AFTER . I REALISE THE CAPS THING IS A DRAG BUT THE REASON IS THAT FOR MY WORK IM REQUIRED TO USE A SYSTEM THAT HAS TO BE IN CAPS AND AS STATED THE ONLY CHANCE I GET OF WRITING THINGS IS HERE AT WORK .I WILL TRY TO ATONE FOR MY CAPITAL SIN'S (I REALISE THE IRONY OF ME TYPING AN APOLOGY FOR THE CAPITALS ACTUALLY IN CAPITALS) AND I WILL WORK ON THE LAYOUT.. I TEND TO WRITE AS I TALK BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I THINK I REALISE ITS NOT A GREAT HABIT BUT IT IS SOMETHING I CAN CHANGE. I DON'T PROFESS TO BE A WRITER IM JUST SOME ONE THAT LIKES FUNNY THINGS AND PEOPLE ..AGAIN THANK YOU YOUR COMMENTS ARE ALREADY TAKEN ON BOARD AND ARE GENUINELY APPRECIATED..I REALLY DO HOPE YOU GET A CHANCE TO FINISH READING IT BUT IF NOT THATS COOL ...

Don't think that I'm being awkward, Max. It isn't meant to be. But this is a busy forum with a lot of catching up to do between visits. I think you and I got off on the wrong foot, is all.

As writers (however amateur or serious), the onus is on us to help others read our work if we want a fair opinion and critique. When we post here, we're asking people to give up their time and effort. I'm not being bolshie but I'm more inclined to read something well-presented, than an all-in-caps screaming first draft that begins "IM SORRY FOR SPELLINH ETC .. NOT THAT SORRY REALLY .. BUT YEAH ANYWAY ..FOOK IT HERE YOU GO"

Quote: MAX REX @ April 2, 2007, 4:14 PM

TO BASE YOUR OPINION ON MY INTRODUCTION SEEMS A TAD SHALLOW

View original

The attitude and spelling in the opening suggests you don't care about your idea enough to present it properly, nor do you appear to care for your readers. So I didn't need to read the rest of the script to know I'm going to get more of the same. You can't say you're not an aspiring writer because the moment we pick up a pen or type on a keyboard we become writers. It's good you're excited to share the idea but please make it easy to share with us.

Quote: MAX REX @ April 2, 2007, 4:14 PM

IM AN AMATURE TRYING TO LEARN BUT SHIT LIKE "SORRY MATE THIS JUST AINT GOOD ENOUGH" HOW THE FUCK IS THAT HELPFULL ??

View original

Baumski offers great advice and his comment wasn't aimed at the content of your post. What he's referring to is the illegibility and hard work that you've made of the piece. As to getting pointers for your next draft, you've already had some. You need to look at presentation and not open by telling us that you're not sorry about spelling and "FOOK IT". Use a spell-checker, and re-read your work before posting. It's not our job to report back on the many basic errors for amending. That is your role.

Quote: MAX REX @ April 2, 2007, 4:14 PM

OR IS THIS FORUM LIKE SO MANY OTHERS A CASE OF ..IF YOUR PART OF THE GANG GREAT IF NOT FUCK YOU ??

View original

It isn't. It's a great community. New people are always coming in. Loads of great advice too. And you're totally welcome. Just please, use a spell-checker and turn your Caps Lock off. It isn't much to ask? If you want, retype the extract (remove caps except for name tags) and send it to me personally and I'll offer a full opinion on it for you. I'm not an ogre and I don't mean to come across as that.

Just read your comment to ShoePie re: Caps Locks. Yep, some places insist on it but ask around for someone to turn it off for you when you want to use the PC in breaks.

Hi Max. Welcome to the forum.

A computer system with only the option of CAPITALS - intriguing - what kind of job do you do? Are you sure there's not a way of turning it off because frankly, as has been noted above, its damaging your comedy.

You see your script could be the funniest thing to have ever been posted on this site but, like a few other people, I don't really have time or inclination to struggle through the caps and spelling to find out if that's the case.

If you're looking to eventually have your comedy performed you'll definitely need to format it in lowercase - commissioners, directors etc have even less time than the forum regulars here to read over stuff. Having seen the process first hand I can promise you that your script would be binned without a second glance as it currently stands - whether or not that's 'right' isn't really an issue worth discussing because its like that whether we like it or not.

Anyway do stick around but please try and find that Caps Lock button if you can!

Quote: MAX REX @ April 2, 2007, 4:14 PM

WELL THANK YOU FOR THE "CRITIQUE" THERE GUYS PLENTY OF TAKE HOME VALUE IM SURE .SPECIALLY YOU BAUMSKI . YOUR DEEP INSIGHT AND ANALYSIS COUPLED BY YOUR ASTUTE ABILITY TO....

View original

I read your comments which I found interesting if only because it's impossible to gauge the sensitivities of whoever submits their work for a critique. My response to your work was only to echo what Slagg had written and nothing more. However, if it's more you want, then alright.

What struck me was the sheer laziness in your grammar and layout. What you did was a shameless cop-out and all because you couldn't be bothered to check your own work. The fact that you felt so slighted over something so obvious immediately put you into the 'play wot I wrote' bracket.

Your layout put me in mind of an attitude that no matter how poor the format is - and make no mistake, yours was really poor - the comeback by the author will be "Oh, they'll know what I mean". This might come as a shock but they won't and your work will get binned.

The reason I never offered a critique was because why should I waste my time reading something that you couldn’t be bothered to read yourself. Assuming you’re working on a pc, there's no excuse for not using a spellcheck. So if you want a piece of valuable advice, here it is. If you've got a spellcheck then use it because that's what it's there for.

I’d love to say that I cared about your work. I don’t. You got too personal over nothing in particular and that’s just not on. But if you think a hissy fit is an answer for your laziness then you carry on.

i agree with all the above postings abut spelling etc but on content it is not a bad peice, i am sure you know that if you read through, and re-wrote and trimmed and replace lines like the ones suggested above it could boom into something quite good, if your not serious about this script or this idea in general then don't continue it, work on something else, this needs to be read through and changed chopped and there is so much more it could have in it, either work on it and it's presentation or just leave it.

Sorry but I do agree about the CAPS. It's just not laid out clearly and is honestly hard work to read.

Can't you try to do the first scene in CAPS for character and direction and dialogue in lower?

Hi Max

I've tried to read this but it's seriously making my eyes go funny! I'm anal about spelling and grammar too, so the laughs you might be getting from me are being passed over by my brain muttering 'That's spelt wrongly' and 'Needs a comma'. You might not think these are big things but they are hampering my enjoyment of your, admittedly first attempt, at a script.

I can understand that you're 'testing the waters' as to whether you'd like to write or not and are probably quite right to expect a bit of encouragement from others, as we all do. However, as SlagA pointed out, there's a lot to read on this board and in the long run I think you'll find that the writers who spend a bit more time on the layout will get their work read a little more frequently.

If you're going to take this further as a career, an unreadable script won't get past the first reader at a production company, let alone up to a producer who will yay/nay it. It could be the best, most original, perfect, funniest sitcom that they exactly require to fit the current market and they (and you!) are going to miss out all because of presentation issues.

If you spend a little time on presentation and sort out, primarily, the caps lock thing I promise I will have a read through and give you some genuine feedback on the content. I'm sure others will too. Have a look at the other sitcom layouts in this forum and try and keep basically to those: character names in capitals, names on the line above the dialogue which is in normal case.

Constructive criticism hurts at first and the 'It's good' comments give you a warm glow. Fifteen minutes later you realise that the constructive comments are going to make your script better and the 'It's good's are practically no use in improving your script. Baumski's a regular contributor to this forum and his advice is very good and very constructive. Pissing him off is biting off your own nose to spite your face, in my opinion.

Cheers

Dan

If you use Word then highlight the text and hit Shift-F3 (Yeah I'm a nerd). Maybe that will solve your caps problem.

Don't give up on the writing or the forum, Max, at the first hurdle. They are both rewarding.

yeah by no means give up on either, you pbviously have some urge to write and this forum is a great place where what write is picked apart by a lot of people who's taste in comedy is different so you get many points of view, keep on with the writing, maybe re-write this just remember the people that make comments arn't being horrible they are simply helping.
hopefully we'll see more of you.