Thought I'd start a new thread for this series. here are mine

Introductions
Conservationists are worried that the falling numbers in hedgehogs is not being taken seriously - when I say "falling" I mean tucking themselves up into a cute little ball and rolling away

On the subject of reuniting with Chris Brown Rihanna said "if it's a mistake it's my mistake" Which is similar to what the head of comedy said when he re-commissioned Newsjack

To celebrate the return of Newsjack we have given the audience members paper hats - that we made from all the horse meat puns we received. Let it go people

Doctor Who is planning a 3-D edition of the show to celebrate its fiftieth anniversary. Some fans claim this is a publicity stunt that would never have happened fifty years ago - well no 3-D television wasn't invented then

Jack Apps
I'm one of the fifty percent of men who secretly put on their girlfriends make up. Something I wouldn't have to do if she got dressed quicker!

I feel much healthier since I stopped smoking and started using these E-Cigarettes, although I do keep hugging strangers and dancing to repetitive music

I hear the French government are spray painting wolves to stop them eating sheep. Who's the French agriculture Minister; Banksy?

If only the pen that vibrates when you make a mistake was invented last year. I would never have signed that marriage certificate! Or the divorce papers - please come back

Now they're saying it would be healthier if you substituted beer for wine, that's all well and good but it's ruined my Coq Au Vin

Apparently dogs are more likely to steal food in the dark. I've known that for years, I'm a night watchmen at Asda. Thieving bitches - which is not swearing!

No need to tell me people in their fifties have an active sex life, I live next door to an elderly couple and I can never get anything done! I should never have bought these binoculars

Intros

The BBC has announced the Dr Who 50th anniversary special will be in 3D, though unfortunately for audiences the acting will still be two dimensional.

David Beckham moved to PSG last month and has donated his entire salary to charity. The local orphanages were said to be delighted, with the new colouring book and crayons.

The IOC has announced wrestling has been dropped from the 2020 Olympics, presumably from the top rope of the ring before a twenty-stone-man-child jumped on it.

A pub landlord fended off four attackers whilst walking back to his car from a fish and chip shop in Wisbech, Cambridgeshire. This should be a lesson to would be criminals, never get between a northerner and his chips.

One-Liners

Nick Clegg has quit smoking, now whose going to blow smoke up Dave's arse?

Every new car is to be linked to the web by 2014? That's nothing, my car's linked to blue tooth, sat nav and three major bank robberies.

MANI'm annoyed The Queen has been declared Britain's most powerful woman by Radio 4's Woman's Hour. It always goes to the person who has a crown and a thrown and ovaries.

An Israeli prison has accused its inmates of smuggling sperm. Presumably following a cavity search.

Finally - we can eat beef without getting Mad Cow Disease!

Nick Clegg has revealed he's given up smoking. The tobacco industry are said to be greatly relieved.

FOOTBALL FAN:
Can a twelve-point lead really be squandered? Well, when Ed Miliband's in charge - anything's possible.

PERVY MAN:
Korean flight attendants shouldn't be forced to wear skirts... or trousers... or knickers!

A magician has been convicted of using his sleight-of-hand skills to rob Harrods. He'd have been better off studying escapology.

Justin Bieber has apologised for smoking cannabis. However, he remains unrepentant about sodomising our ears.

A new study has revealed that CEOs with large signatures are more likely to be narcissists. And have small willies.

George Bush Sr has had his emails hacked. Turns out 'nepotism' isn't such a great password.

ELDERLY WOMAN:
Every time England beat Brazil - I treat myself to a Brazilian. It's amazing how much hair can accumulate over twenty-three years.

Quote: blahblah @ February 14 2013, 5:01 PM GMT

Now they're saying it would be healthier if you substituted beer for wine, that's all well and good but it's ruined my Coq Au Vin

No need to tell me people in their fifties have an active sex life, I live next door to an elderly couple and I can never get anything done! I should never have bought these binoculars

View original

These were the two that stood out for me.

My efforts...

Pope Benedict this week announced his intention to resign, saying that he was 'fully aware of the gravity of his decision'. The news has shocked Catholics around the world - it's believed to the first time an incumbent Pope has ever acknowledged the existence of gravity.

Senior Conservatives issued a statement this week accusing the Prime Minister of favouring 'unholy union' and expressing their disgust at what they see as 'a perversion of the natural order'. David Cameron responded by saying that was no way to talk about the Liberal Democrats.

Disgraced former Lib Dem MP Chris Huhne was this week forced to resign his seat over a speeding ticket scandal. Senior Parliamentarians on both sides of the House have heavily criticised Mr Huhne, saying that if it doesn't involve at least two prostitutes and copious amounts of drugs then it can hardly be called a scandal.

JACKAPPS

WILLIAM HAGUE: Dave, it's William here. Argentina have been on the phone again complaining about the Falkland Islands. I told them if they're that desperate for a patch of desolate, windswept land with nothing in it, they could have Scotland instead.

CORRECTIONS

We would like to apologise for last week's feature entitled "Britain's Snow Armageddon". Following the recent spell of bad weather in the US, we now realise that 3 inches of snow does not, in fact, constitute an Armageddon.

Following an unfortunate spelling error made in last week's article on NHS reform, we would like to clarify that Lord Prescott in fact referred to the Health Secretary as 'that bloody Hunt'.

My favourites from what's been posted so far:

Quote: blahblah @ February 14 2013, 5:01 PM GMT

Now they're saying it would be healthier if you substituted beer for wine, that's all well and good but it's ruined my Coq Au Vin

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Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ February 14 2013, 5:11 PM GMT

The BBC has announced the Dr Who 50th anniversary special will be in 3D, though unfortunately for audiences the acting will still be two dimensional.

View original

Quote: dtmcc @ February 14 2013, 5:50 PM GMT

Senior Conservatives issued a statement this week accusing the Prime Minister of favouring 'unholy union' and expressing their disgust at what they see as 'a perversion of the natural order'. David Cameron responded by saying that was no way to talk about the Liberal Democrats.

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I know exactly where I went wrong with mine - too horsey, too Popey, too contrived and longwinded and just not funny:

JACK APP: I've always fantasised about having a hot Italian stallion, so, as a Valentine's treat, I microwaved myself a Findus lasagne.

JACK APP: Benedict XVI wasn't bad as Pontifex Maximus, but Russell Crowe really made the role his own.

JACK APP: Wearing the papal robes can't be easy - always having a label digging into your back saying, "Warning! Highly infallible"

JACK APP: Music shops never went into administration, back in the days of vinyl record players with their secondhand styluses. Using old needles was a major factor in the spread of HMV.

CORRECTION: David Cameron did not say, in response to the Francis Report, that care was so poor in the NHS hospital where his wife gave birth that he was forced to clean the delivery suite himself. This was, in fact, one of the few occasions when he hasn't whinged about having to clear up the mess left behind by Labour.

CORRECTION: Brussels has dismissed allegations that EU agricultural mountains were behind the decision to drop wrestling from the Olympics. They point out that we haven't seen Giant Haystacks on our TV screens since the 1980s.

I submitted for the first time at the end of the last series. The "recorded but cut" email is the best I've got so far. Nothing this time round. Sad face.

My one-liner submissions this week:

Chris Huhne's daughter has accused him of 'constantly badgering' her mother Vicky Pryce. The Environment Secretary has therefore scheduled him for culling in June.

The car firm Tesla has accused The New York Times of publishing a fake review of one of its electric cars. "I would never produce anything that was misleading" said Mark Thompson, the CEO of the newspaper and former Director-General of the BBC.

Rupert Murdoch has suggested he might stop page 3 of The Sun. Unfortunately pages 1, 2 and 4 through 50 will continue to be printed.

Nick Clegg has given up smoking, though he said he could not make bold predictions about staying the course and would maybe want a referendum on the subject, though possible not, before eventually starting up again once David Cameron told him to.

A signalman locked in a toilet has caused delays to train services in Worcester. David Cameron has therefore locked the secretary of state for transport in the loo to explain future delays of the High-Speed Two rail line.

Quote: blackbroom @ February 14 2013, 7:03 PM GMT

JACK APP: Music shops never went into administration, back in the days of vinyl record players with their secondhand styluses. Using old needles was a major factor in the spread of HMV.

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I quite like this as one of those puns where part of the humour comes from the contortions required in the setup to get to the pun itself!

Here's my rejects:

(I wasn't 100% sure about the structure of the show, so I wasn't sure about "intros", etc and just sent in some general one liners. I'll know for next week)

Hasbro, creators of classic board game Monopoly, released a statement this week after an elderly man emulated the game's decision to swap the iron with a cat. He is suing Hasbro after severely burning his hand petting a hot iron. He turned up in court today wearing an awfully wrinkled suit covered in cat hair.

It was announced this week that the irons were being replaced with cats in the classic board game, Monopoly. The annual Hasbro employee golf game was a complete disaster. You try hitting a golf ball with a cat.

The introduction of the Cat in Monopoly makes the game slightly more representative of the real London. Now all we need to do is replace the Top Hat, the Battleship and the Thimble with a Fox, a Pigeon, and an Immoral Banker.

ITV's latest dose of celebrity exploitation, 'Splash!', concluded this week and producers have already commissioned a second series. In a desperate attempt to increase viewership, a couple of minor changes have been made. Rather than using a fully heated, indoor, Olympic-sized diving pool, series two will take place on an oil rig in the middle of the North Sea. And instead of goggles, the celebrities will be strapping a brick to their face.

JackApps:

Monopoly didn't like my suggestion of a mini Chris Huhne token, clearly a big fan of the game. His decision on "Paying a £10 fine or taking a "Chance"" is surely going to result in going directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect £200.

I just saw Chris Huhne leaving Southwark Crown Court and his pants were literally on fire.

Happy Valentine's Day Lindsay! You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm such a better person when I'm with you. You know, by comparison. (Okay so this one got on, I just wanted another opportunity to brag. Sorry)

Happy Valentine's Day Tracey! My heart still skips a beat when I'm with you. Must be the stress.

Here are my Episode 1 submissions in the format that I sent them in:

Findus foods have won a range of awards, the Oaks, the Derby and the Gold Cup being just three.

I should've been suspicious of Findus sold by weight, it was measured in hands and I had to pay in guineas not pounds.

When my cockney mate said that Findus Lasagne's were pony I just thought he didn't like them.

At the recent British Food Awards Findus Lasagne's were favourite to win "Best Ready Meal" unfortunately they fell at the third.

A Findus Lasagne gave me the trots..........and the canters and the gallops.

The FA held their annual England International Player awards last week, despite much expectation no-one won anything.

Wayne Rooney was asked if the England awards were just back patting. He said it was nothing at all like camping.

You can tell Richard III was from Yorkshire, he died rather than pay 50p for a car parking ticket.

You've got to feel sorry for Richard though, he lost because Stanley betrayed him, his name's used as a euphemism for poo, but worst of all he's spent the last 500 years in Leicester.

Chris Huhne changed his plea at court, how unusual is that? A Lib Dem doing a U-turn on what's been said before.

Nick Clegg said Huhne was in the van of Lib Dem politics, a driving force, a politician with real convictions. Huhne said that he wasn't in the van, and even if he was, he definitely wasn't driving.

Asked why he had lied Mr Huhne explained as a politician it was force of habit. Well, obviously he denied it first, then explained.
Huhne's wife is pleading not guilty, claiming that he forced her to do it. Rubbish! Since when has a Lib Dem forced any decision?
Although the maximum term is life, it's thought the judge will give him 5 years. Which is 3 years longer than Nick Clegg's got.
I thought Chris Huhne was a Lib Dem MP? In my newspaper it says he's a con.
It wouldn't have happened to a Tory MP, those bastards don't give anything to anyone.

In prison Chris Huhne will be surrounded by dangerous, untrustworthy men who have no morals, just like parliament then. Still having been Energy secretary he should be familiar with cells.

And mine

jackapps
(Middle aged man) I hear Tesco, Iceland & Lidl are set to hold discussions over the food scandal. Will this be considered a race meeting?
Not sure what Comigel were doing in the foodstuff industry in the 1st place? Having said that, it's not like they can go back to manufacturing Soviet hair products.

(Slightly irritated Woman) What's this I hear about David Milliband on the tube with his trousers unzipped!? I find that completely offensive! Why should he get off so lightly when the rest of us are having our pants pulled all the way down!?

(Elderly man) This 7 year itch thing IS a myth, ive been married for over 50 years now and each day I wake up to my wife its like falling in love for the 1st time......although I suffer with Alzheimer's and have no idea who she is ??

intro's

Former cabinet minister Peter Lilley has revealed that cannabis use amongst MP's was rife during his time in office. Look at the positives though, most of them forgot all about filling in their expenses forms and the rest simply couldn't be arsed.

MP's who took cannabis 'disabled their brains' claims former cabinet minister Peter Lilley. I'm inclined to agree, Edwina Curry must have been off her box to find John Major interesting enough to jump into bed with.

I hear Geoff Huhne had affairs with not one but two mistresses at the same time, one of which was bisexual, if anything the man should be receiving kudos points.

Former Tory cabinet minister Peter Lilley has revealed that MP's who took cannabis disabled their brains and have never recovered. That certainly answers a lot of questions looking a Maggie Thatcher these days.

Corrections

Last week we reported that the secret to a long and happy marriage was simply communication and trust. However we can now reveal that the ability to keep a secret and lie through your teeth with a straight face works just as well.

We would like to take this opportunity to apologise for the cruel, insensitive and immature remarks made about Kelly Osborne when referring to her as a 'ten pinter'. Kelly's 69 pounds weight loss is of course a remarkable achievement which makes her only a five pinter.

Here's my try at Newsjack:

G4S reportedly lost seventy million pounds in last year's Olympic fiasco. They are however, said to be looking for the lost van which was last seen in the Watford gap area.
This week the Pope also known as 'Gods Rottweiler' stepped down. God responded by saying Bad dog! Get down!
JACK APPS

(ELDERLY WOMAN) I was horrified to see a baby was attacked by a fox. I personally hate foxes, every time I see one I want to give it the finger.

(YOUNG MAN) Boris Johnson said we have a problem with urban foxes and I have to agree. Just the other day I was mugged by one wearing a baseball cap!

(YOUNG WOMAN) A baby being attacked by a fox was the worst sequel to Charlie bit my finger ever.

(POSH WOMAN) I can't believe the government expected me to work for free! Working in Poundland should be a crime in itself.

AND FINALLY

That was Newsjack from February 2013, the week in which North Korea shook the world with revelations Kim Jong Un had experienced his first seismic event - the world's largest crocodile was turned into the world's largest handbag - and the Pope decided to give up Catholicism for lent. Sources have revealed he'll be back in four weeks we however, will return next week.

That was Newsjack from February 2013, the week in which Poundland began selling slaves and the government announced its back-to-work scheme did not breach human rights because at least it wasn't a 99p store. Coming up next on radio 4 extra the Pope reflects on his time as Papal and plays us his desert island discs including he's all-time favourite Papa-Ratzi.

CORRECTIONS

We last week reported that Findus products were found to contain 100% horse meat. We can however, confirm that Camilla Parker Bowles was unharmed in the making of this lasagne.

Quote: Jason Simmons @ February 15 2013, 1:36 PM GMT

Here's my try at Newsjack:

(ELDERLY WOMAN) I was horrified to see a baby was attacked by a fox. I personally hate foxes, every time I see one I want to give it the finger.

(YOUNG MAN) Boris Johnson said we have a problem with urban foxes and I have to agree. Just the other day I was mugged by one wearing a baseball cap!

(YOUNG WOMAN) A baby being attacked by a fox was the worst sequel to Charlie bit my finger ever.

View original

I think a few web chats ago newsjack said that you shouldn't send in more than jack app/intro on the same subject and you should pick your favourite one and send it in. Does anyone else remember this or did I just make it up?

Quote: blahblah @ February 15 2013, 3:12 PM GMT

I think a few web chats ago newsjack said that you shouldn't send in more than jack app/intro on the same subject and you should pick your favourite one and send it in. Does anyone else remember this or did I just make it up?

View original

I remember that.

I must not be reading the right newspapers because I missed loads of these stories

I thought mine were half-decent until I read some of the ones above, anyway, here they are;

Intros

Disneyland was hardly the place 'where dreams come true' - for Martin Luther King this week, after the theme park was accused of racism. These claims would have Walt Disney turning in his grave ... but so would setting his cryogenic chamber to defrost.

A warning of zombie attacks was broadcast on daytime US TV this week after hackers infiltrated the station; the lifeless, brainless creatures that do little more than eat anything in their path ... were relieved to later find out it was all a hoax.

Jack App
BLOKE:Constantly bangin' on about the Brazil/England result has finally led my girlfriend to getting a Brazilian... his name's Gustavo and they're already engaged.

So the North Korean nuclear tests caused an underground earthquake; I bet that left any American moles in Pyongyang shook up.

I was hoping someone would give me their heart this Valentine's Day ... because that NHS waiting list isn't getting any shorter.

OAP:I'm not worried by the government's cap on social care or the crippling medical bills ... luckily for my I'm already paralyzed.

GIRLo I heard Adele gains forty-one thousand pounds a day ... kebabs will do that to you.

Only submitted three, two of which were hastily thrown together Tuesday lunchtime to make the one I'd stumbled upon on the morning commute fell less alone...still ruing the day half my team were made redundant and the rest of us suddenly had enough work to fill our days, so I can't spend most of Tuesday working on one-liners as I used to do!

JACKAPP: My husband tried to make me take his points, but I refused. I didn't want any more vouchers to spend on Tesco ready meals!

JACKAPP: It's true that dogs change their behaviour when you're not around, I once caught mine in bed with my wife.

JACKAPP: I can't wait for the 3D Doctor Who special. I'm just amazed after all this time they're able to add two extra dimensions at once.

Here are my one-liners.
1. 80% of recent jokes contain references to horse meat.
2. The others are about the Pope.
3. The US Navy Seal who killed Osama Bin Laden described how he shot him twice in the head. He then had a bucket of herrings and went for a swim.
4.After being rejected by Grantham, the statue of Baroness Thatcher has been offered a home in Basildon. Let's face it, it couldn't make the place any worse.
5. Two facts about Urban Foxes. They eat anything, and love children.
6. American police continue their manhunt for a heavily armed lunatic. They've narrowed it down to five million people.