INTRO:
A conman sold golf ball finders as bomb detectors to Iraq, the scam was exposed after the ineffective devices continued to perform under par.

Prince Charles made a special appearance on Countryfile, the perpetual King in waiting told the show he would have loved to have had his mother involved in some capacity, more than likely pushing up the daisies.

JACKAPP:
So Danny Boyle's planning a Trainspotting sequel; I suppose after twenty years of going cold turkey he's finally desperate for another hit.

The government needs to do more warning the public on these freezing weather conditions, me and my family made a zombie-snowman and we all got frostbitten.

The pound has fallen yet again due to low manufacturing output; we'd all be fine if politicians could a price on the bullshit the produce.

CORRECTIONS:
We previously stated that what you "Like" on Facebook can predict your personality, this is obviously wrong because if you constantly like things; you have no personality.

It was sad to see ex-England goalkeeping legend Peter Shilton convicted of drink driving this week. It appears he wasn't quite as good a 'shot stopper' after all.

I'm so glad the authorities have sorted out the confusion between beef products and horse meat - it could have been a really boring Grand National otherwise...mind you, it would have made one hell of an improvement to Ladies Day.

Good to see David Bowie has released a new album entitled The Next Day. Not quite the next day though is it as his last release was over 25 years ago and Alzheimer's is obviously setting in. You really shouldn't let your Grandad near the record player.

ANNOUNCER: Good news for the Tories this week as a 'celebrity' spoke up in favour of their proposed Room Tax.
MAN WITH FAUX GERMAN ACCENT: "They're all I'd ever use and they never failed me once. Much better than ordinary nails. They keep anything in place"
ANNOUNCER: Oh, I'm sorry, I can't seem to find out where that clip came from, my apologies.

The Al-Sweady enquiry is looking into claims that alleges detainees suffered abuse in their rooms, sleep deprivation, mock executions and violence whilst under interrogation. If the claims are upheld, The Government has pledged to stop holding terror suspects in Britain's public schools.

At least one good thing has come out of the Huhne trial. It's cured my self-abuse problem - before then the only Price I could picture going down was Katie.

Isn't that Bruno Mars fantastic? He's like a kind of Michael Jackson for coloured people.

Later on, we have an exclusive interview with a man who has been reviled for his previous actions, is hated by thousands, and is now trapped in a London hell-hole after avoiding picking up any points. Yes, that's right, we'll be talking to Raffa Benitez live in a little while. Fact.

As the fallout from the Huhne/Pryce sentencing continues, spare a thought for Huhne's bi-sexual mistress Carina Trimingham. Apparently, she just now doesn't know which way to turn.

So, what do you say to a man who has lied about a motoring offence, got his wife to accept the points on his behalf, ruined countless lives around him and been jailed as a consequence?
How about "Lights out at 22 hundred, slop out 07 hundred."

(Variation on above)
What do you call a man who has lied about a motoring offence, got his wife to accept the points on his behalf, ruined countless lives around him and been jailed as a consequence?
'Inmate No. 6429731.'

Hi
Here are my failed entries for this week. I'd appreciate any comment, not so much on if they are funny enough (as clearly they weren't) but more in terms of whether they fit the right structure / tone etc.
Thanks.

CORRECTIONS

During last week's article on a mountain named after former president Reagan we correctly stated that Mount Washington was named in honour of founding father George Washington, however we now realise that Mount-ainous is an adjective and not a mountain named after George W. Bush.

INTROS

Dozens of Palestinian prisoners have fathered children after having their sperm smuggled out of prison. So effective is the practice that one prisoner, concerned at being too young for fatherhood, has also had a condom smuggled out.

A man who won the lottery for the second time has said he is "not that bothered" about his latest win. Meanwhile a woman awaiting knee surgery, who won the NHS Post-Code lottery, said she was "somewhat disappointed" after receiving an email containing one million 7 digit codes.

An MP has been forced to donate over £15,000 to comic relief after naively pledging £1 for every retweet. Cannon and Ball made the same pledge and will be donating their £7 later this week.

A deal has been struck between the three main political parties on measures to regulate the press. Or at least that's what we think they said, our hidden microphone was a bit in and out to be honest.

Sunday was St Patrick's Day. A day that sees people with Irish heritage everywhere eat, drink and be merry. Monday was the 18th of March. A day that sees people with Irish heritage everywhere eat, drink and be merry. Tuesday was the 19th of March. A day that, well you get the idea.

JACKAPPS

I see the prisoner that escaped by climbing a rope to a helicopter has been caught again. But what I want to know is did the lady love the Milk Tray?

I saw that report saying that Welsh hospitals have been left nearly £9M from wills. They didn't say what Harry had left them though. I don't suppose hospitals can make much use of a 2nd-hand NAZI uniform.

This was my first time putting entries for NJ. They weren't very good but some constructive criticism would be nice.

This week a GP pleaded guilty to a string of sexual offences that were recorded on his wristwatch. I guess he took Seiko's advertising slogan, "It's your watch that tells most about who you are." a bit too literally.

The number of dead pigs found in a river that supplies 22% of the drinking water in Shanghai has exceeded 13,000. Volvic will use this opportunity to establish the brand in China with the slogan "you CAN escape the taste".

Arsenal FC manager Arsene Wenger suggests banning clubs for racist fans. The fans won't mind, they were never a violent bunch anyway.

Ed Sheeran was left embarrassed, as he opened Taylor Swifts "Red" Tour, when he fell flat on his face after attempting to jump from one speaker to another. He should have known it was trouble.

It has been revealed that Nicholas Cage turned down the role to voice Shrek due to not wanting to look like an ogre. Yet vanity never got in the way of playing a Motorcycle riding vigilante with a combusting skull for a face.

It has been revealed that there is a real strain on schools that requires urgent action to be able to accommodate the pupils. Maybe the government would like to call in the NHS opticians to review the issue.

INTRO:
The violin used on the Titanic has gone up for auction after being proven as genuine. Incredibly the instrument is still in working condition, although the only tune playable on it is the Little Mermaid classic 'Under the Sea'.

Comic Simon Brodkin was arrested after a pitch invasion at an Everton game, he claims he had no intention of being involved in the match and was only there for publicity, he has since been signed up to the England squad.

JACKAPP:
Now the BBC has moved to the Broadcasting House, what channel will I find it on?

So the new Pope's already had an inaugural mass, I had one of those once but my GP soon sorted it out.

Those Scratch and Sniff Cannabis cards from Crime-Stoppers are useless; there's not even any information on how I collect my prize.

I can imagine the press watchdog is going to absolutely make a mess of the newspapers, until it's finally housebroken.

I'm disgusted that Jedi's can perform marriages; if I wanted a wedding filled with fictional characters and fabricated mythology I'd go to a church!

[WELSH:] An Argentinian town has been under water for twenty-five years, in Wales we call that a bloody good summer.

So a virtual face can display emotions, yet another pointless invention, if I wanted to see an angry or upset female face I'll look at my wife, thank you!

CORRECTIONS:
We previously alleged that a new Scientologist HQ to be opened in Birmingham could be the home of brainwashing, we'd now like to say [BRAINWASHED:] "We were wrong and all hail Tom Cruse!"

This was my 194th time submitting to Newsjack. Or at least it feels like that many.
I FINALLY got an ickle Michael Owen joke in the intros (and I was at the recording to hear it!) Here are the ones that didn't make it.

INTROS
Joss Stone has been in court to give evidence at an attempted murder plot against her. She says she's dramatically increased security at her home since the attempt.
Anyone breaking into her home now will be faced with the new One Direction album on a loop.

THE JACK-APP
Comic Relief raised £75 million - shame just another £5 million and we could have brought Ronaldo back to the Premier League.

Rupert Murdoch owned newspaper was spoofed by a French satirical website - that's weird, I didn't know the French got satire.

Danny Boyle rejected the chance of a knighthood for his work on the Olympic Opening ceremony? He should have accepted it for his brother Frankie.

Tiger Woods has revealed on facebook he's in a relationship with downhill skier Lindsay Vonn. I thought he'd been going downhill since 2009?!

(MANC ACCENT)
A comedian was arrested for entering the pitch and warming-up with Manchester City players. How did they differentiate him from all the other jokers wearing a City shirt?

Gwyneth Paltrow has revealed she nearly died while pregnant. You think she'd have learnt her lesson now about listening to Coldplay music.

CORRECTION
We'd like to apologise to Kate Middleton who got her foot stuck in a grate while visiting troops on St Patricks Day, and not as we stated last week, was victim of an early April Fool by Prince Harry trying to look up her skirt.

ARCHIVE
That was the final Newsjack in the series of March 2013, in a week when £75 million was raised for Comic Relief, but sadly £7.5 million (10%) of that was taken by the Bank of Cyprus.

Here's mine from three separate weeks of submissions; in retrospect, all a bit naff.

JackApps

"Of course I'm not babied by my parents, I'm 32 and run a very successful online business and (SHOUTING) Mum, I'm on the phone, just put my dinner in the microwave and I'll eat it after naptime!"

One liners

"Senior doctors have urged the government not to allow private companies into the NHS through the back door. Jeremy Hunt has said they have no plans to do this, and instead will personally hold the front door open for them as widely as possible."

"The number of sharks being hunted for their fins have increased into the millions this year, there's now so many hunted to make the popular shark fin soup that one fisherman said "we're going to need a bigger bowl.""

"FIFA have announced plans to move the 2020 World Cup in Qatar to winter to stop the extreme heat preventing teams from doing well. The FA have said that they are confident this change won't affect their chances of winning, as they still haven't got one."

"Jessica Ennis has expressed her disappointment that Sheffield's Don Valley stadium is closing, but worse still, West Ham United are thinking of putting a bid for it if they don't get the Olympic stadium."

"Blue Peter are holding a talent search for its next presenter, angering David Cameron, who was really hoping the competition would be held after the next general election, when he would have much more free time to apply ."

JackApps.
"When I found out there was going to be a new A-level in creative writing, I was utterly lost for words. Which is why I failed."

"IVF for 42 year olds? I would tell you why I think it's a waste of NHS money, but right now I've got an appointment with my homeopath!"

"Well if the Welsh are insistent on setting their own standards for the English Language GCSE, why don't they just go the whole hog and come up with their own language?"

Opening one liners:
"In light of the UK losing its triple A finance rating, the chancellor has responded by asking Michael Gove if he can get it back by just changing the grade boundaries."

"A UKIP MEP has defected to the Tories, after branding their leader Michael Farage a Stalinist dictator. Mr Farage replied by suggesting that this was 'laughable nonsense', at least I think he said that, my Russian really is terrible."

"New research has shown that only one in fifteen thousand patients wake up during surgery. An anaesthetist did try and explain the findings, but he really did send me off to sleep."

"A new computer program can predict a persons personality just by looking at the things they like on Facebook. Well, it's easy when they like endless photos of other people's cats, because then they don't have a personality."

Any feedback would be greatly appreciative, this is my first go at this malarkey.