(1)Ryan Giggs has now scored in every Premiership season. That man has made over 900 appearances for Manchester United. That means on average he's played away from home at least 450 times.

(2)I read this week that 4 million adults in Britain have never done a day of work. I didn't realise we had that many people in PR.

(3)Hello. Professor Brian Cox here. If you want to find out what happens when you get a boring tool onto the surface of Mars stay tuned for my feature on the Mars rover Curiosity.

(4)I heard about this skyscraper in Tokyo which is being demolished from the inside, one floor at a time - that doesn't sound such a tall storey.

(5)If mistakes are far from right, how do we explain Richard Littlejohn?

It's been revealed that the NHS pays out £20,000 for each testicle it wrongly removes. And it's rumoured they do even better deals on prostates.

A sustainability party's been launched in Brazil. I give it six months.

David Cameron's admitted that there aren't enough women in his cabinet. Although his carpenter begs to differ.

A new study has found that men with long faces are less likely to be racist... which should give them something to smile about.

A woman who was offered £10,000 to sleep with her boss; has been awarded £20,000 compensation. And they say chastity doesn't pay!

Shelf-stacking is more important than geology! Or at least that was the verdict of Iain Duncan Smith... shortly before his home was levelled by an earthquake.

The Lib Dems are planning a wider mansion tax. It's a good job I bought myself a narrow one.

David Jones is right - children should be brought up in a warm and safe environment. Preferably New Zealand!

Russia have announced plans to put a dead man on trial. Although contrary to popular belief, he hasn't been charged with necrophilia.

If you think Page Three's bad... just wait until you see the Sun's obituary section!

ELDERLY WOMAN:
Men in Stoke-on-Trent are the most well-endowed in the country. I had my money on Brixton.

Mistakes are like immigrants from Eastern Europe. Only admit them if they're honest. Otherwise keep them covered up in the container-lorry of truth.

Correction: When we said that Morrisons had bought 49 Blockbuster stores, we'd forgotten the popcorn and Hagen Daz.

Correction: We're happy to clarify that Prince Charles claimed "to fear elevators" and not as we said earlier, " two elephant ears".

The man who survived days in the Australian outback by drinking his contact lens fluid suffered concussion after walking into Ayers Rock.

A train has had the outside of its carriages painted with scenes from a British feature film. If cancelled, there's a replacement On The Buses.

There have been calls this week to tax fizzy drinks. Jimmy Carr's been advised to sip champagne warm because it's flat rated.

The asteroid which passed earth recently was said to be worth 125 billion. This precious rock will next appear worn by Tamara Ecclestone.

JackApp: I can recommend my hospital diet, y'know the one where you fast for two days.

Not much there grabs me Blinkered, except...:

The man who survived days in the Australian outback by drinking his contact lens fluid suffered concussion after walking into Ayers Rock.

... which is pretty good IMHO.

JACK APP: The governor of the Bank of England has called for plastic money. Good! Maybe if the bankers practise with that for long enough, it'll eventually be safe to let them loose on the real thing.

JACK APP: I agree with doctors. If we want to stamp out unhealthy fizzy drinks, we should tax them. That's what the French do and the Last Tango in Paris was produced in 1972.

CORRECTION: We earlier reported that Brighton councillors were divided on plans to make the city's public toilets gender neutral. However, after they decided to pilot the new facilities in the council buildings, when it came to passing a motion, they realised that they were all in the same place.

CORRECTION: Hilary Mantel this week described the Duchess of Cambridge as bland, plastic and man-made. The Franklin Mint has asked us to point out that she is, however, a unique and carefully-crafted artefact that, for only 12 monthly instalments of £49.99, your children and grandchildren will be able to cherish forever.

And one I didn't actually send, for numerous reasons:

JACK APP: Doctors' groups weren't joking when they said fizzy drinks were a health hazard - someone's just died of coronavirus.

Here's my one-liners that failed to make the grade this week:

JACK-APPS

I was gobsmacked when I heard Benjamin Netanyahu spent nearly two thousand pounds on ice cream. I knew he liked Walls but that's ridiculous.

The trouble with the meat supply chain is that it's the exact opposite of a Jennifer Aniston film. It's complicated, difficult to follow and too many surprises are added along the way

(RANTING) So just after we agree to gay marriage lightning strikes the Vatican and fiery rocks fall to earth. Coincidence? Coincidence? (BEAT - THEN NORMAL) Yes, it probably is.

(AMERICAN) Here at NASA we've doctored photos of Mercury. We've changed its natural brown to brighter, more vivid colours helping its features stand out. It's a technique we learnt from 'The Only Way Is Essex'.

Yes, they're right tax avoiders should be named and shamed. So I'm not going to file my return next year then change my name to Amazon.

I agree with Iain Duncan Smith it's time to tackle the 'something-for-nothing' culture. Particularly if you're called Poundland.

JUSTIN'S INTRO

The Chinese military are thought to have hacked into over 141 companies' networks. They were able to access so many systems by trying the username 'admin' and the password 'password'.

China's army unit 61398 is thought to be responsible for a series of high-profile cyber attacks. The unit is called 61398 because if you type it into a calculator and turn it upside-down it spells BOOBIES in Chinese.

Armed robbers have stolen over 50 million Euros worth of diamonds during a raid at Brussels Airport. Police believe they had a tip off that Katie Price was returning her old engagement rings that day.

Quote: groovydude89 @ February 21 2013, 5:22 PM GMT

Shelf-stacking is more important than geology! Or at least that was the verdict of Iain Duncan Smith... shortly before his home was levelled by an earthquake.

View original

I like this one groovydude89. One thing I'd say though is your read more like Intros than JackApps at the minute. Perhaps try writing some of them in the voice of someone phoning in the show.

Quote: Blinkered @ February 21 2013, 5:46 PM GMT

The man who survived days in the Australian outback by drinking his contact lens fluid suffered concussion after walking into Ayers Rock.

View original

I too like this one Blinkered and again I'd say write more of them as JackApps as they have more on the show. They only do a few Intros but there's two lots of JackApps recorded.

Quote: blackbroom @ February 21 2013, 6:08 PM GMT

JACK APP: I agree with doctors. If we want to stamp out unhealthy fizzy drinks, we should tax them. That's what the French do and the Last Tango in Paris was produced in 1972.

CORRECTION: We earlier reported that Brighton councillors were divided on plans to make the city's public toilets gender neutral. However, after they decided to pilot the new facilities in the council buildings, when it came to passing a motion, they realised that they were all in the same place.

View original

I like these two although could be a little tighter, especially the Correction. For example:

Earlier we reported that Brighton councillors were divided on plans to make public toilets gender neutral. However, when it came to passing a motion, they realised that they were all in the same place.

First time effort with one liners...

(INTRO)
A Bentley driven by Manchester United winger Nani was reportedly
involved in a collision with a police vehicle on Friday. However, a review of
CCTV footage showed there was no contact, and the Bentley veered off the
road as soon as it entered the junction box.

(INTRO)
Iconic sixties singer Chubby Checker is suing Hewlett-Packard over
an app bearing his name that's used to estimate penis size. The tech giant
isn't too worried though - they've already lined up a replacement, rock and
roll legend Little Richard.

(INTRO)
Scientists have identified a unique gene mutation that causes
people not to have any natural body odour. When asked how it felt
being known for such a trivial medical discovery, they said "it's the pits".

(JACKAPP)
POSH MOTHER: I know how that Maria Hutchings feels. My
little Timmy wants to grow up to be a dole-scrounging stoner
and the local state school is far too good.

(JACKAPP)
I heard they're going to start taxing fizzy drinks. So if I leave the
cap off and it goes flat, do I get a refund?

Quote: StephenM @ February 21 2013, 6:22 PM GMT

I like these two although could be a little tighter, especially the Correction. For example:

Earlier we reported that Brighton councillors were divided on plans to make public toilets gender neutral. However, when it came to passing a motion, they realised that they were all in the same place.

View original

Thanks very much for the feedback, Stephen - I can see now that the bit in the middle really wasn't adding anything and I'll work a lot harder on making things more punchy next week.

This is my first effort at one-liners....all rejected....

After Tom Cruise's visit to a curry house was turned into a film, Labour is disappointed with audience reaction during the premiere of 'Ed Miliband and the Colonic Irrigation'.

BBC Journalists went on strike this week over 200 potential job cuts. Jobs thought to be at risk include the entire Newsjack...(ANGRY) oh well that's just marvellous!

Prison officer Richard Trunkfield has been charged with selling information about a high-profile prisoner to the Sun newspaper. The Sun will not reveal the name of the prisoner although Richard says for £50 he'll reveal which half of Wham it was.

A report has revealed that many rail passengers are dissatisfied with the service they receive. The report also revealed that bear faeces has been found in a woods.

Police have called off their search for Gemma Arterton's bottom after they admit misinterpreting the phrase "A tramp just pinched my bum".

Scientists in Geneva have apologised after they stated this week that the universe was 'inherently unstable'. They have admitted that the Universe petri-dish may have been contaminated during a recent visit by Boris Johnson.

Following the description of the asteroid missing earth by 17,000 miles as a 'near miss' Nadine Dorries has described her expenses claim as a 'near truth'.

We'd like to apologise to Liberal Democrat Voters.

JACKAPPS

Hello, this is Hilary Mantel. I'd like to publicly apologise for the comments I made about the lovely Kate. It was inappropriate of me and totally out of character. I'm ashamed of the appallingly harsh, vulgar words I used. (PAUSE) I still think that David Cameron's a C(BEEP) though.

(DEEPLY CONCERNED) Why is it that scientists can work out the exact trajectory of an asteroid yet they can't find that poor, helpless backpacker in....(LISTENS TO MUFFLED VOICE IN BACKGROUND)....he's what, he's been found? Oh bollocks, they're never going to play this now!

My first time writing jokes, let alone for Newsjack and rereading them now I know they're all a little off. Any critique would be helpful though.

David Cameron revealed this week that he will be appearing in One Direction's video for Comic Relief. It remains to be seen when Nick Clegg will release his rumoured retaliatory version of Harlem Shake.

Artist Ruth Stage has won a £15000 art prize for a painting made using egg yolk. A judge explained "It all boiled down to Ruth soldiering on with an eggsperimental form rather than cracking under pressure by poaching old ideas".

EU watchdogs plan to take action against Google over their methods of providing targeted results to users. I tried to search for more information about it but all that came up was stuff about cats, One Direction and topless pictures of past prime ministers.

Jack App: As the headteacher of Wood Green Primary School I'm glad that Banksy's mural's been taken. He only did it to upstage Year 2's Olympic mural across the road.

Quote: Cathy @ February 21 2013, 8:32 PM GMT

EU watchdogs plan to take action against Google over their methods of providing targeted results to users. I tried to search for more information about it but all that came up was stuff about cats, One Direction and topless pictures of past prime ministers.

View original

Liked this one - only suggestion is to change "topless pictures of ..." to someone specific.

Quote: StephenM @ February 21 2013, 6:22 PM GMT

Here's my one-liners that failed to make the grade this week:

JACK-APPS

I was gobsmacked when I heard Benjamin Netanyahu spent nearly two thousand pounds on ice cream. I knew he liked Walls but that's ridiculous.

View original

When I read that story I knew there had to be some gold to be mined, and this is it - much more stinging than going the expenses route.

Quote: blackbroom @ February 21 2013, 6:08 PM GMT

J

JACK APP: I agree with doctors. If we want to stamp out unhealthy fizzy drinks, we should tax them. That's what the French do and the Last Tango in Paris was produced in 1972.

View original

It's clever, and that makes it good. Also liked the other fizzy drink joke (and it's judicious withholding).

Quote: blackbroom @ February 21 2013, 6:08 PM GMT

CORRECTION: We earlier reported that Brighton councillors were divided on plans to make the city's public toilets gender neutral. However, after they decided to pilot the new facilities in the council buildings, when it came to passing a motion, they realised that they were all in the same place.

View original

Didn't work for me on first reading because I think it's too cluttered. If you simply cut it down e.g.:

"... However, when it came to passing a motion, they realised that they were all in the same place."

the play on passing a motion is still there and I think people will get it.

This week's rejects. Nothing but consistant!

Corrections
Last week, following a spelling mistake on a Labour press release, we reported that you may pay more to their government if you name was Charles or Maralyn with a proposed Manson tax. Ed Miliband has apologised for the spelling mistake saying "this will be the first and last time 'i' will be missed".

Jack App
I just called to update you on the traffic situation. The anti-clockwise M25 there is a slow moving convoy of Pens, Pencils and Rulers. The traffic is stationary.

This food crisis is getting beyond a joke now. In church on Sunday, even the priest admitted the bread he was giving out contained the body of Christ.

When I heard there was a multi-million pound crime comitted that involved Diamond I was relieved to hear it was an armed robbery. At first I thought Barclays had been fiddling LIBOR rates again

I'm not worried about these reports of energy bills rising. I keep mine under the free paperweight I got for switching.

Rejects!

JACKAPP

OBVIOUSLY FRENCH WOMAN: 'Allo, eh, my name is... Angela Merkel... (giggles) I think that, uh, you should stop blaming ze French for ze 'orse meat... (shushes voices in background) In fact, it is we Germans who 'ave been selling you zis terrible meat, we are always doing things like this, in fact we cannot be trusted whatsoever with anything, especially ze Euro. Also our food is terrible and our women are ugly. Au revoir.

ONE-LINERS

There was controversy in Russia this week as a deceased lawyer was put on trial for corruption. David Cameron says such a thing would never happen in the UK. Quite right, David; we send our corrupt corpses to the House of Lords.

Iain Duncan Smith has hit out at 'snobby' graduates and what he calls the UK's 'something for nothing' culture. For those who don't know what this means, it's when multinational companies get unemployed people to do a lot of something for absolutely nothing.

The International Red Cross turned 150 this week. The charity began work in 1908 - meaning that in UK terms it almost qualifies for a pension.

David Cameron visited India this week in an attempt to encourage more students to come to Britain. Because if there's one thing Britain is short of, it's students.

Unfortunately due to the journalists' strike at the BBC we're a little short of new gags for this week's show, so be warned - this programme will contain 60 to 100 percent recycled material - a bit like a Findus lasagne, am I right?!

In the news this week - BBC news staff go on strike... (long pause) er... hmm... (turns script over in hands) not sure what else has been happening... Probably something about David Cameron... Oooh, he's a bit... posh... (nervous laughter) Horse burgers? Is that still going on? (beat) You'll have to come back to me.

Quote: Eoin Carney @ February 21 2013, 6:34 PM GMT

(INTRO)
Iconic sixties singer Chubby Checker is suing Hewlett-Packard over
an app bearing his name that's used to estimate penis size. The tech giant
isn't too worried though - they've already lined up a replacement, rock and
roll legend Little Richard.

(JACKAPP)
I heard they're going to start taxing fizzy drinks. So if I leave the
cap off and it goes flat, do I get a refund?

View original

Good to see some fresh blood on the forum for this stage. Don't lose heart if your stuff doesn't get picked it's a tough world and even getting one line on in the series is a huge achievement. They admire persistence so keep going!

Eoin - I like the fizzy drinks app, got the tone just right with that one. And with the intro see if there's anyway you could trim it down to make it read better. Always worth reading out loud to see what it sounds like. (Yeah ok, mine are sometimes too long as well!) And perhaps add that slight extra twist. For example:

Chubby Checker is suing Hewlett-Packard over an app for estimating penis size. The tech giant used his name after disappointing sales of an earlier version, the Little Richard.

Quote: TheJaw @ February 21 2013, 8:28 PM GMT

Prison officer Richard Trunkfield has been charged with selling information about a high-profile prisoner to the Sun newspaper. The Sun will not reveal the name of the prisoner although Richard says for £50 he'll reveal which half of Wham it was.

A report has revealed that many rail passengers are dissatisfied with the service they receive. The report also revealed that bear faeces has been found in a woods.

We'd like to apologise to Liberal Democrat Voters.

View original

Welcome TheJaw! A few tips I'd give are write more JackApps rather than Intros. There's more JackApps recorded so you've a better chance of getting on. It might seem that they're harder to write but they can be a similar structure to intros. Something like

I heard that / I agree with <INSERT NEWS STORY>. Still I always / That's why I <INSERT HILARIOUS PUNCHLINE>

Again look to see if the line is as tight as it can be and try reading it out. For example your intro could be:

A prison officer has been charged with selling information about a high-profile prisoner to the Sun. The officer denied the claims saying he never revealed which member of Wham he was talking about.

(You don't have to insert all the names if it works without them)

And top tip - never, ever send the bear woods joke, the pope catholic joke or the Lib Dem joke. They've got quite angry about that before in blogs. Have a look through the ones mentioned on the main thread to avoid a few pitfalls like that. (Don't worry they won't hold it against you as a first-timer)

Quote: Cathy @ February 21 2013, 8:32 PM GMT

Artist Ruth Stage has won a £15000 art prize for a painting made using egg yolk. A judge explained "It all boiled down to Ruth soldiering on with an eggsperimental form rather than cracking under pressure by poaching old ideas".

View original

Hi Cathy - I like this one, sometimes they go for puns, sometimes they don't!

As a bit of feedback in general I'd say have you thought of the most original angle for the gags, are you sure no-one is doing a one-liner similar to yours?

It's tough out there with over 700 e-mails this week that could be several thousand one-liners they're reading through. So perhaps think about is this a line no-one else will have thought off?

Quote: OlliePerks @ February 21 2013, 11:01 PM GMT

Corrections
Last week, following a spelling mistake on a Labour press release, we reported that you may pay more to their government if you name was Charles or Maralyn with a proposed Manson tax. Ed Miliband has apologised for the spelling mistake saying "this will be the first and last time 'i' will be missed".

Jack App
I just called to update you on the traffic situation. The anti-clockwise M25 there is a slow moving convoy of Pens, Pencils and Rulers. The traffic is stationary.

This food crisis is getting beyond a joke now. In church on Sunday, even the priest admitted the bread he was giving out contained the body of Christ.

When I heard there was a multi-million pound crime comitted that involved Diamond I was relieved to hear it was an armed robbery. At first I thought Barclays had been fiddling LIBOR rates again

I'm not worried about these reports of energy bills rising. I keep mine under the free paperweight I got for switching.

View original

Very wise to do a correction, there are far fewer sent in than Intros or Apps. So if you've got a good one you're chances are better. I like the idea of yours but could you make it snappier? Also isn't it the Lib Dems and Mansion tax?

On the Jack Apps a couple of these feels like they're not about the news at all. I'd try keeping them based around topical news stories. And I see where you're going with the Diamond one but the wording isn't quite right and Bob has left Barclays now.

Quote: dtmcc @ February 21 2013, 11:45 PM GMT

Rejects!

ONE-LINERS

Iain Duncan Smith has hit out at 'snobby' graduates and what he calls the UK's 'something for nothing' culture. For those who don't know what this means, it's when multinational companies get unemployed people to do a lot of something for absolutely nothing.

The International Red Cross turned 150 this week. The charity began work in 1908 - meaning that in UK terms it almost qualifies for a pension.

Unfortunately due to the journalists' strike at the BBC we're a little short of new gags for this week's show, so be warned - this programme will contain 60 to 100 percent recycled material - a bit like a Findus lasagne, am I right?!

View original

Again you'll increase your chances by writing Corrections or Apps rather than Intros, worth doing that for next week.

Like the IDS line but could it be snappier (Ahem, look up a few posts). And the Red Cross line is very good.

One thing. The 60-100% recycled material seems very similar to the excellent Pre-Sig sketch in last week's episode. (Ahem again). It's probably best to avoid giving the impression you don't listen to the show!

Not had an inkling of getting anything on so far but sweating over the news while the laundry is piling up is good practice I guess...

INTRO'S
A Banksy mural entitled 'Slave Labour' went missing from the side of a Poundland store leaving a large hole in the wall. The store say their work experience geology graduates are happily studying the debris for clues.

We were going to issue an apology for the BBC's recent 24 hour strike which saw disruptions, repeats and programmes being dropped without warning, but since no one noticed any difference I don't think we'll bother.

JACK APPS
I'm delighted to hear the BBC are going to do an adaptation of Tolstoy's War and Peace, I'm it's biggest fan since it cured my insomnia.

If Man Utd supposedly have 659million fans then how come they're all still so sweaty when they come off the pitch?

I see the ready meal dates back to the 1950's...I'm sure it'll be alright to eat though as all the germs will be dead by now...or living in Bexhill-On-Sea.

So a senior drugs worker says we should decriminalise heroin and make it available on prescription?? What next? Decriminalise armed robbery? I mean we're halfway there already as you don't even need a prescription for that; you just get it over the counter.

I don't see why there should be a special tax on fizzy drinks. Trying to get the top off the bottle while balancing a pizza box and a Mint Viennetta on me lap is taxing enough for me....(burp)

Well I think It's a disgrace that Hilary Mantel has compared Kate to a shop window mannequin with no personality, she has obviously has never spent the evening with one...in the basement...dancing...caressing...

So Lloyds has been fined £4.3m for delaying PPI payments, anything with a horse seems to be bad news at the moment.

CORRECTION
We'd like to apologise for the unfortunate wording of last weeks story on the St Albans Film Festival featuring Tom Cruise's visit to a local curry house, we should have said the 'film' not 'Tom Cruise' would be entered in the shorts.