British Comedy Guide

Newsjack Apps and Intro Rejects thread Page 4

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groovydude89

  • Thursday 7th March 2013, 6:19pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 638 posts

INTROS:
A teenager has confessed to eating half a stick of deodorant every day. Well, that's one way of beating bad breath.

JACK APPS:
Richard Wilson - gay? I don't believe it!

I can't believe they're putting Jesus on Easter eggs! I mean, what's he got to do with Easter?

I think we all need to Keep Calm and Boycott Amazon.

It's true - British children are 'babied' by their parents. Especially during the first twelve months.

Anything that benefits tourism is fine by me.

The Queen's cancelled a trip to Swansea. I never had her down as a Bradford City supporter.

Rats used to be so cute and adorable... until we taught them how to mind-read!

I wouldn't steal my ex-boyfriend's sperm from a laboratory. I'd pay him a booty call instead.

Someone once wielded a broomstick on my doorstep. Thankfully, it was just the cleaner.

If the troubled family scheme's working - then how come most of the troubled families aren't?

To any Greeks listening - be warned - getting the Parthenon Marbles back isn't gonna be child's play!

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Elliott S

  • Thursday 7th March 2013, 6:44pm
  • England
  • 17 posts

ONE LINERS

"This week MP Claire Perry criticised parents for babying their children. However, her argument was belittled slightly after her Mum came to pick her up from work."

JACK APPS

TEENAGE GIRL Did ya hear about that guy at Gatwick airport who was caught with all them dead caterpillars in his luggage? I bet he had butterflies in his stomach when they asked to search his bags.

WOMAN As a fellow citizen of Tamworth I'd just like to say that the reports that we're the most obese town in the UK simply aren't true. I for one always have my five-a-day. McDonalds, Burger King, Pizza Hut, KFC and Dominos!

OLD MAN I heard that Susan Boyle is making film debut this year. Which is strange as the remake of Frankenstein isn't set to come out until at least 2015.

WELL-SPOKEN WOMAN After all the commotion about that five
year-old who spent over one thousand pounds on an iPad game, I thought I'd clear the air. As the developer of Rainbow Kitten's Guide to ABC, I'd like to assure the public that the game is strictly targeted at adults, not children.

CORRECTIONS

"Last week we reported that a Walrus had turned up on a beach in Scotland. We have since been informed that it was in fact Eric Pickles on his annual holiday."

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Steve Sunshine

  • Thursday 7th March 2013, 6:56pm [Edited]
  • Dagenham, England
  • 14,556 posts

I like your jokes as jokes Groovydude
But something like
"Someone once wielded a broomstick on my doorstep. Thankfully, it was just the cleaner."

Doesn't give me any clue as to what it's referring to
& some of the others don't sound like someone phoning a phone in.

I think you need a few more words in some of them to build character & explain a tad more before the rugpull.

And Elliot I don't think the Boyle ugly or person fat ones will work in general unless the angle is a bit less mean or the joke very good indeed.
You don't hear ones like that on NEwsjack very often.

But some nice ideas in your bunch anyway, they're not far away

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Blinkered

  • Thursday 7th March 2013, 7:23pm
  • Edinburgh, Scotland
  • 82 posts

In order to clean up his Church's image, the newly elected Pontiff will be known as His Holiness the Soap, leader of the world's Carbolics.

This week The Queen left King Edward the Seventh's hospital after insisting that she didn't want any visits from King Charles the Third.

Inventor James Dyson has invested in farmland, allegedly for his children's inheritance. He'll sue anyone who tries to copy him because the tax avoidance is patent.

JackApp
Some silly chappie's invented horseshoes that don't need nails. They won't catch on.

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beaky

  • Thursday 7th March 2013, 7:32pm
  • Malaga and Brighton, United Kingdom
  • 2,719 posts

I like groovydude's benefits tourism and Swansea jokes, and Blinkered's Pope joke.

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TheJaw

  • Thursday 7th March 2013, 7:58pm
  • England
  • 34 posts

Three weeks of submitting and not so much as a sniff...

ONE-LINERS

A report this week revealed that our obsession with the internet has resulted in dramatic lowering of attention spans. The report commissioned by the way could you give me a lift home tonight, my car's in the garage it needs to have you had your hair done it looks great, reminds me of a dog with a fluffy tail just ran right past the window chasing a report this week revealed that our obsession with the internet has resulted in lowering of attention spans.

CORRECTIONS

We would like to apologise for stating that research showing that female chimps are more gossipy than male chimps was "to be expected" , "no surprise there then" and "sounds about right to us". Our editor would ordinarily have prevented this kind of crass, chauvinistic, dark-ages commentary but she was still outside trying to park.

We would like to apologise for any unnecessary panic we caused. Ryanair will not be removing "the cockpit and most of one wing" as we previously stated. The 9% cut refers to the volume of flights.

JACKAPPS

(OLD WOMAN) I see prescription charges are rising by another 20p. On my pension it's my arthritis pills or Ted's Viagra, so I'm afraid prescriptions are the only thing that will be rising this week.

I can't believe that bus driver left that girl stranded because she had a faulty pass. Bus drivers have got a moral responsibility to ensure the safety of all their (F/X SCREECHING TYRES / SWERVING CAR) Oy! Keep to your own side of the road you maniac!! I nearly dropped my ice-cream there! 90p for a return mate, on you get."

I've just read that Ryanair are cutting flights by 9%. I thought they'd been doing that for years; my flight to Venice landed closer to Berlin.

(MALE) I see that couple are getting divorced because she couldn't read a map. If that's grounds for divorce my wife and I should have been divorced years ago!...I'm terrible at reading maps. Can't park either.

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groovydude89

  • Friday 8th March 2013, 12:13am
  • England
  • 638 posts
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ March 7 2013, 6:56 PM GMT

I like your jokes as jokes Groovydude
But something like
"Someone once wielded a broomstick on my doorstep. Thankfully, it was just the cleaner."

Doesn't give me any clue as to what it's referring to
& some of the others don't sound like someone phoning a phone in.

I think you need a few more words in some of them to build character & explain a tad more before the rugpull.


The broomstick joke was a reference to this story involving a footballer - http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2013/mar/04/francis-jeffers-broomstick-arrest-wife

The points you make about building character and providing context make a lot of sense, and are two things I'll try and improve on this weekend.

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blahblah

  • Friday 8th March 2013, 8:59am
  • sunderland, England
  • 1,130 posts

Newsjack Apps
I don't believe eighty percent of men use their mobile phones during dinner. My first husband didn't. Neither did my second or third. If they did they could have phoned for help when they tasted the poison

I'm not surprised half of us are too stressed to sleep. There's the housework to do, the mortgage to pay, the over time to work. I stay awake half the night - making sure my wife does it all

It's sad that three out of five premiership footballers go broke after retiring. Although on a positive note I now know what schadenfreude means

So school reports are being written by computers instead of teachers. That explains why I got a report saying my daughter had a 404 error. I thought it meant she was crap at maths

Why is everyone so angry at Justin Bieber for arriving late to his first show of the UK tour? Everyone knows how nerve-racking first dates are

So much for Mourinhos claim that the world would stop during the Manchester - Madrid game, they're always wrong these doomsday predictions. So why do I keep putting bets on them?

The government say parents shouldn't hoover over their children. It's thanks to the government that I can't afford the heating and have to put the kids under the carpet to keep them warm

It's bad news that the TA are struggling to find new members. Who better to protect our nation than men having a midlife crisis?

I can't believe drivers pay ninety pound extra on their premium to cover fake whiplash claims. I thought my acting deserved more than ninety quid!

One in three police officers want to go strike. Leaving all the work to the other two officers I suppose!

Corrections
The statement we read earlier replying to the claim that people are more helpful when it's sunny was not from the National Campaign for Courtesy as we reported. They were going to release a statement but they let someone else go first

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TheJaw

  • Friday 8th March 2013, 11:04am
  • England
  • 34 posts

Great all round standard blahblah. I'm beginning to see why mine aren't making the grade. Particularly liked the correction.

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Caesar

  • Friday 8th March 2013, 11:35am
  • England
  • 1 posts

Hi Guys' just started to submit to newsjack but nothing accepted or shortlisted yet, need to try harder, would appreciate any feedback on offer, thx

The queen was admitted to Hospital this week suffering from Gastroenteritus, a palace spokesman has said that she is once again suffering from an annus horribillus.

The BBC was criticised this week for using a gagging clause, this occurred during the repeat of an episode of Casualty first shown last December, in which Father Christmas suffers food poisoning after eating a frozen mince pie from Tesco's .

A female passenger was removed from a British Airways plane in Israel this week after smuggling a dog on board in her hand luggage. The passenger claimed that she had intended to board an Air Korea flight, where passengers are of course permitted to bring fresh snacks on board with them.

According to US media reports, a man from Louisiana is alleging his ex-girlfriend stole his sperm and used it to get pregnant. Details of how the crime was committed are unclear, but it is thought the man's girlfriend will be charged with one armed robbery.

David Cameron has been accused this week of making a lurch to the right. He gave a brief statement to the press whilst attending a performance of the Rocky Horror show this week
(sung to the music of Time Warp from the Rocky Horror Show)

We tried a step to the left (shout out "Luv you Nick")
Now it's a Lurch to the right
With your hands round UkIP throats
Get rid of Human ri-i-i-i-i-ights
But it's be-ne-fits that drives the public insa-ya-ya-ya-ya-yane
So Lets do the Tory walk again!
Yes, Lets do the Tory walk again!

JACKAPP
I am calling in to say that I support Prince William in calling for a clampdown on poaching Elephants and Rhinos in Africa, because, I believe....
(Breaks into song to the tune of Ebony and Ivory by Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder)
"Barony and Ivory should live together in perfect harmony"

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BenBroughton

  • Friday 8th March 2013, 2:20pm [Edited]
  • Derby, England
  • 41 posts
Quote: blahblah @ March 8 2013, 8:59 AM GMT

So much for Mourinhos claim that the world would stop during the Manchester - Madrid game, they're always wrong these doomsday predictions. So why do I keep putting bets on them?


Quote: Caesar @ March 8 2013, 11:35 AM GMT

According to US media reports, a man from Louisiana is alleging his ex-girlfriend stole his sperm and used it to get pregnant. Details of how the crime was committed are unclear, but it is thought the man's girlfriend will be charged with one armed robbery.


I like these ones.

My offerings this week were quite poor, sadly work got in the way.

INTRO:
Basketball legends; The Globe Trotter's lived up to their name by visiting North Korea. Kim Jong-un took to Dennis Rodman even referring to him as his; 'dog', the former NBA star is even making an appearance at Kim's next lavish banquet ... as the main course.

JACKAPP:
I'm behind more privatisation in the NHS... after my last check-up the entire village knew I had gonorrhea.

I can't understand why Comic Relief is behind Ricky Gervais reprising David Brent... surely it's up to the RSPCA to revive one trick ponies.

I'm glad to see that fifteen mine workers got fired for their Harlem Shake video; with all those raunchy dance moves it's not really suitable for miners.

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golfer

  • Friday 8th March 2013, 3:18pm
  • london, England
  • 10 posts

Only managed a few this week...

JACKAPPS
[MAN] Never knew Justin Bieber was such a cutting edge artist. That 2 hour silent intro to his first song at the O2 is definitely his best and most experimental work to date. [BEAT] Daughter hated it, but she's never understood prog-rock.

The Catholic Church has clearly failed to evolve over time...and long may that continue. That's not to say we don't need to change, but I think an instant re-creation would fit in a lot better with our belief systems.

ONE-LINERS
There was disappointment this week when a figure resembling Batman was unmasked by the public, but instead of seeing the face of billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne underneath, they were instead confronted with the face Mohamed Al Fayed.

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groovydude89

  • Thursday 14th March 2013, 5:41pm
  • England
  • 638 posts

The Lib Dems shouldn't be compared to cockroaches. They're more like dung beetles.

Whether you're for or against secret courts - you've gotta admit - Wimbledon's never gonna be the same again!

I think antibiotic resistance is a good thing. But then I am a contrarian.

Abu Qatada shouldn't be sent to Jordan. A scumbag like him's only good enough for Chantelle!

FLAKY WOMAN:
It turns out women ARE as bad at multitasking as... sorry; I was just picking my nose.

I think it's great that heroin use is plummeting. It means there's more for me.

If smoking's halved in forty years, then how come cigarettes are still the same length?

Apparently, the things you 'like' on Facebook expose your true personality. I guess that's why people are always defriending me.

It looks as if Saudi Arabia's gonna ban public beheadings. Liberal bastards!

I think arming teachers with guns is a bit extreme. Personally, I'd draw the line at flame throwers.

Alex Ferguson refused to shake my hand once. Probably because it'd just been up a cow's backside.

The EU shouldn't have banned make up tested on animals. They've as much right to look fabulous as we do!

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Kevin Mears

  • Thursday 14th March 2013, 5:42pm
  • Essex, England
  • 77 posts

JACK APP

- I've just come back from a digital detox holiday to switch off from social media. Well when I say it was a holiday, it was more of a retweet.
- (ELDERLY) I heard Ray Winston say high taxes will drive him out of Britain. He's going to need a pretty high taxi if he's moving house.
- (ANGRY) I don't care if Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher are going to be in the new Star Wars film. Seeing as they've not done anything since the 80's, they should call it Fallen Star Wars.
- Does anyone have David Schwimmer's number please? I'm asking for a Friend...
- I'm quite happy it's snowed this week. All this grit under my shoes makes me feel like I've got a gravel driveway.
- My wife heard they're developing a pill to make you live to 150, using a chemical found in red wine. She's worried they might run out eventually. I think she's talking out of Shiraz.
- (creepy male voice) I see Facebook are building a cold storage to archive less popular material. They can't possibly mean my bikini photos...they're far too hot for cold storage.

ONE LINERS
- Danny Boyle has announced a sequel to Trainspotting is in the works and should arrive for 2016, though due to delays it'll more likely be nine o'clock.
- A previously unknown work of Van Dyck has been identified after being spotted online. The whereabouts of his cockney accent however are unknown.
- Volvo has announced one of its new models will deploy the breaks when a cyclist suddenly swerves into its path. A great idea, though it does leave the Tour De France camera crews short of a choice of vehicle.

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blahblah

  • Thursday 14th March 2013, 6:33pm
  • sunderland, England
  • 1,130 posts

Introductions
Lord of The Dance Michael Flatley has taken up painting. He creates his art work by covering his shoes in paint and dancing on a canvas. "When's it my turn in the spotlight" asked his underused arms

A behavioural expert from Warwick Business School has claimed that contrary to popular belief women are not talented multi task-ers, which leaves one obvious question; why is a psychologist working in a business school?

Apparently you can determine Facebook users traits by what they "like" on the site. If you "like" Pride and Prejudice you are content, if you "like" Mozart you have a high IQ and if you give everything a blue thumbs up you have been on an expedition with Ranulph Fiennes

Newsjack Apps
So an American senator gave a speech lasting thirteen hours - big deal. One of our MP's has just started an eight month sentence

I'm not surprised fathers get more sleep than mothers, everyone knows a vicarage is more comfortable than a nunnery

Ghost Hunter Yvette Fielding has said she received dirty text messages from Harry Styles when he was sixteen - what's her problem? She's always digging up messages from the past

Why is everyone so outraged with Justin Bieber for using four letter words? He's only little, he'll learn bigger words in his own time

They're saying the perfect age gap for a couple is four years and four months, but I'm the same age as my wife and we've been married for forty two years. But you can't argue with theories so I guess I'll start divorce proceedings

I agree that a childhood ends at twelve, but it starts again after they've cooked my lunch

Corrections
Early we claimed that people who drink sherry are overweight what we meant to say was the middle classes are the heaviest drinkers

To clarify, when we said the top hospitals in the NHS hospital league table will be moved abroad next year we meant they'll spend next season in Europe