Jack Apps

* I was worried the conflict in the Middle East was escalating after hearing the army had arrived outside Kuwait, then I realised they meant the petrol station.

* I heard Dominique Strauss-Kahn might have links to a prostitution ring. My girlfriend has a Links of London bracelet and I was wondering if he wanted to swap?

* My son thought it would be funny to put my clock forward by two hours instead of one. Joke's on him though. I've bought him vouchers for GAME for his birthday.

* (ELDERLY MAN) I was disappointed to hear that our Saga cruise has been delayed. My wife and I now have to hire a car to get to Dubrovnik. It's going to be a Saga mega drive.

* I think the decision to use Twitter to find the next Archbishop of Canterbury is a rubbish idea. I mean Jesus only had twelve followers, didn't he?

* I'm surprised ITV is showing Titanic in four parts. Everyone knows it split into two.

* James Cameron tweeted that he couldn't wait to share what he was seeing at the bottom of the ocean. How was he able to get on Twitter when I can't even get 3G where I live?

* I think Glen Hoddle would make a great caretaker for England. Nobody can put the chairs out and cover up vomit in the playground better than him.

* Hi is that the Hosepipe Hotline? I think my next door neighbour is filling up a paddling pool. Oh wait...actually he's filming another documentary about Titanic.

* I just bought a 99 ice cream, some space raider crisps and a first class stamp. I was hoping for some change from that fiver.

* I see BT are going to be using something called Rabit technology to stop copper thieves. I think having pink, vibrating phone masts is a great idea.

Corrections

* Last week we reported that Chris Tarrant would be the first guest on Fern Britton's new chat show. This was incorrect and we apologise for saying Britton's Got Tarrant.

Wow - you guys were quick. Here's my little pieces of joy:

NEWSJACK APP
So the government is selling a third of its stake in RBS to Abu Dhabi? That leaves us taxpayers with ... just the BS.

Baroness Grey-Thompson is right when she says disabled people are treated like second-class citizens. Still, I guess we'll be worth 39% more next year.

(JOHNNY VEGAS) I just found out that ITV Digital failed because we were hacked and I'm not happy. Mind you I thought someone was working that monkey from the outside.

(OLDER NERD) I'm pleased they're re-launching Friends Reunited. I just hope they bring out a version for my Apple Newton.

[OK, OK, I KNOW THIS ISN'T A ONE-LINER BUT INDULGE ME]
The government have condensed the planning guidelines from 1,300 pages to 52 pages ? Pah! That's nothing I've got the entire Harry Potter series down to just 52 words. (DEEP BREATH) Speccy kid bullied, giant says he's special, spells, oh my scar hurts, speaking snakes, use invisibility cloak, Quidditch, spells, has Dumbledore changed?, spells, Snape good or evil?, use invisibility cloak, hasn't Hermione grown up - foxy, spells, what she went with the ginger one?, Dumbledore dies, spells, use invisibility cloak, Harry wins.

JUSTIN'S INTRO
Britain's Got Talent is back and this year there's a 500,000 pounds prize for the winner. That's the sort of money that can buy you a book of first class stamps and a full tank of petrol.

This weekend the new Titanic Belfast tourist attraction opens. Coming after the 'Troubles' Bus Tours it would appear that the Northern Ireland Tourist Board think there's money in human suffering and misery. So in 2013 expect to see NHS Reform Bill World, Really Bad Cramp Adventures and, a twist on an old favourite, Stepping barefoot on a piece of Lego Land. And in 2014 they'll be opening a new IKEA superstore.

CORRECTIONS
In our earlier feature about the 2012 games we accidentally played the German national anthem over the Greek Olympic team. Of course that should have been our feature on the 2016 games.

JACKAPPS:

CALLER: I don't think the fuel tanker driver's strike will affect me. I don't drive a fuel tanker.

POSH LADY: My new vicar said I should tweet him. So I tweeted him to my home made cawwot cake.

WOMAN: I took that advice that eating more chocolate would give me the body of an athlete. Sadly, it turned out to be the Russian shot-put gold medalist (BEAT) in their men's team.

DISGUSTED LADY OF TUNBRIDGE WELLS: One look at those awful Team GB Olympic outfits and our athletes will run a mile.

WORKING CLASS MAN: I paid £250 to dine with the labour party leader. They sent me a pot noodle and a DVD of Ed Milliband's greatest speeches. It was over before I'd even thrown up the pot noodle.

WELSH WOMAN: I went to the Dr Who convention in Cardiff. There was hardly anything there. It was much smaller on the inside than it looked on the outside.

INTROS

This week we learned that a third of new babies would live for a hundred years. At least that gives them a fighting chance to see the labour party re-elected.

AND FINALLY:

And next on Radio4 Extra, Ready, Steady, Crook with Peter Cruddas. This week the contestants have to cook for a dinner party with the Prime Minister, using only an egg, a tomato and 250 thousand pounds.

INTRO: The Government is set to introduce minimum pricing for alcohol. So, a double shot of spirits will now cost at least 80 pence, a pint of beer will cost at least £1.20 and a small glass of wine in the Camerons' flat will cost at least £250,000.

CORRECTION: There were some inaccuracies in our story about Simon Cowell. He did meet a woman at the back of his wardrobe, but she did not, as reported, give him a ride on her sleigh and offer him Turkish Delight.

CORRECTION: We could perhaps have chosen our words more carefully when we revealed that, when Samantha Cameron has guests round for dinner, she makes sure she gets hundreds and thousands for her trifle.

CORRECTION: We stated that, by celebrating Mass in Cuba, the Pope fell foul of a Marxist law forbidding mystic practices. The Cuban authorities have since assured us that this law has long been repealed. They said: "Yes, we ban no arcana, no ban in Havana today."

JACK APP: I've found media updates on Muamba's condition really educational! If you'd told me a month ago that Fabrice owed his life to CPR, I'd have said, "I thought he played for Bolton." But now I know more about hearts than a Tynecastle season ticket holder.

JACK APP: I knew Cameron was playing with fire when he vowed to cull Bill Badger and, sure enough, this Sunday Times exposé is Rupert getting his revenge!

JACK APP: All the apples I've been buying lately have had a really sour taste to them, and I gather George Osborne is also coming across a lot of bitter Grannies.

JACK APP: I don't know why people are objecting to the idea of an "Elizabeth Tower". After all, we've already had a Jerry Hall and a Barbara Castle.

Blahblah, did you say you got the recorded but not broadcast email? If so, I'm pretty sure it was this one.
Alison

Quote: blahblah @ March 29 2012, 6:34 PM BST

People are worried that children may be pigeon holed at play school - I hope they aren't a pigeon hole is too small for a child. That's why I keep mine in a kennel

View original

Quote: blackbroom @ March 29 2012, 7:05 PM BST

CORRECTION: We could perhaps have chosen our words more carefully when we revealed that, when Samantha Cameron has guests round for dinner, she makes sure she gets hundreds and thousands for her trifle.

View original

I like that - but I wonder if it could have been phrased a little slicker.

Quote: LippyAlison @ March 29 2012, 7:13 PM BST

Blahblah, did you say you got the recorded but not broadcast email? If so, I'm pretty sure it was this one.
Alison

View original

Yeah I got that email. Must have been that line. thanks Alison

Liked all these & others

Quote: Bomsh @ March 29 2012, 5:57 PM BST

Congratulations to Konnie Huq and Charlie Brooker on their new baby boy. Did they have a phone in to choose the name?

View original

Quote: blahblah @ March 29 2012, 6:34 PM BST

I went to the Dr Who convention and it was paradise - by that I mean it was full of virgins!

View original

Quote: groovydude89 @ March 29 2012, 6:44 PM BST

Justin:

"Glenn Hoddle has claimed that his life will be incomplete, if he doesn't get a second chance to manage England. Oh well, at least he'd still have his next life to look forward to!"

View original

Quote: Kevin Mears @ March 29 2012, 6:44 PM BST

* I heard Dominique Strauss-Kahn might have links to a prostitution ring. My girlfriend has a Links of London bracelet and I was wondering if he wanted to swap?

View original

Quote: StephenM @ March 29 2012, 6:51 PM BST

So the government is selling a third of its stake in RBS to Abu Dhabi? That leaves us taxpayers with ... just the BS.

View original

Quote: LippyAlison @ March 29 2012, 6:52 PM BST

POSH LADY: My new vicar said I should tweet him. So I tweeted him to my home made cawwot cake.

This week we learned that a third of new babies would live for a hundred years. At least that gives them a fighting chance to see the labour party re-elected.

View original

Quote: blackbroom @ March 29 2012, 7:05 PM BST

JACK APP: I don't know why people are objecting to the idea of an "Elizabeth Tower". After all, we've already had a Jerry Hall and a Barbara Castle.

View original

So sorry
I shall edit.

Here were my final failures

After all these years they're having the first ever Dr Who convention. It's about time... And space

When Barak Obama visited South Korea he had to be very careful that he didn't go into North Korea by mistake. Of course it all went to plan, which shows the value of going to see your Koreas advisor.

It's so refreshing to see a Talent show that was purely about peoples singing voices and not their appearance. I was so pleased when they put through the ugly girl & the fat bloke.

My Wife should get a job at that new Carbon measuring centre. She can look at any Diamond and immediately tell me how much bigger it is than the one I bought her

I'm not sure if I prefer the format of Britain's got talent to the Voice. But I do find myself wishing that Simon Cowell would swivel from time to time.

I'm not surprised Tesco are ditching their luxury clothing range. Once I bought a jacket that looked so good on me I spent half an hour at the self checkout.

They've discovered that Redheads feel more pain. I suppose that means that they should be careful & try to do things a bit more Gingerly

Don't tell me they're going to change the name of Big Ben to Big Liz in tribute to the Queen. What next? Are they going to rename the London Eye, The London One.

I think they should definitely regulate comparison websites. There's only one problem. How are they going tell who are the best regulators.

If the Army need someone to drive a Petrol Tanker then I'm their man I'm retired now but I used to be a 4 star general.

I agree with Obama I don't think anyone should be allowed to have nuclear arms... Unless you're a superhero, then you can have nuclear legs as well if you want.

They say that it Rains on Saturn's Moon Titan every 1000 years. Well that's put me off going there now.

Wilmslow Cheshire has been revealed as the bondage capital of England. If your thinking of buying property there don't bother, you'll only end up in a chain.

I think it's great they're hiring students as security for the Olympics you'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to get past us. So please don't.

They've found a dog that's as small as an Iphone. There's a Yap for that

The good thing about having the Army deliver Petrol is that you know if there are any Fires then they'll probably be friendly

In last week's show we stated that the Pies would be cheaper after this year's Budget. What we should have said is that there will be tax breaks for the upper crust.

The Queen gate crashed a couple's wedding the other day. At first They were both thrilled. Until the Queen smashed a Champagne bottle over the brides backside & blessed all those who sail in her.

Simon Cowell has finally fixed a fault with his security alarms. previously all three buzzers had to go off to stop someone getting through.

My crap of the week. Been pretty shit these last couple of weeks.

INTROS/ ONE-LINERS

(1)This week James Cameron embarked on a perilous seven hour journey cramped in a foetal position, unable to eat or go to the toilet the whole while on standby to operate the safety hatch - but he should think himself lucky that EasyJet were able to fly him to his sub.

NEWSJACK APP/ ONE-LINERS

(3)This Granny Tax will be impossible to administer. Where will we find someone to cash £3bn of postal orders?

(4)Hello, James Cameron here. I've sunk to the lowest point on Earth. I'd like to "Take Me Out" girl number 17 please.

(5)This is Dominique Strauss-Khan. When I met David Cameron at no point did I know he had been paid.

(6)I'm disgusted by that man on YouTube who drank 20 pints of beer and was filmed biting a pigeon. Everyone knows it's white wine with poultry.

(7)Hello, I'm the manager of Nova 2010 Football Club, the side that lost 58-0 at the weekend. It was a game of two halves - half-ar se d and half-witted.

(8)New research shows that sleeping helps you learn - so why do I keep getting sent out of class?

(9)David Cameron has always said that the Conservatives are the party of change. £250,000 is a lot of change!

(10)BMW have warned me that there is a risk that my car might set on fire - but that's the price I pay for living in Croydon.

AND FINALLY...

(11)That was Newsjack, first transmitted in the week that in an attempt to restore confidence in the Conservative Party Peter Cruddas was replaced as Tory treasurer by Lord Fink...who in turn was replaced by Lord Sneaky, then Lord Shyster, before eventually being succeeded by Lord St John Conman.

Hey guys - I also got the close-but-no-cigar email - if anyone from the recording thinks any of this crap sounds familiar I'd be keen to know, and any feedback very welcome as well.

Three sketches: 1. David Cameron has a dream about privatising the animal kingdom. 2. Andrew Lansley visits an abortion clinic to do a spot check in the form of a questionnaire. 3. Jamie Cullum is on Desert Island Discs with Kirsty Young doing her 'sexy voice'.

And one-liners:

Scientists have revealed that a third of babies born today will live to the age of 100. So if there are any expectant mothers listening, you've still got about 90 minutes.

Pop him out before the end of Newsjack, and your child could be a jetpacking pensioner in the 22nd century! Of course, as a result of climate change he'll be jetpacking underwater.

Scientists in America have found that those who eat an above average amount of chocolate are statistically likely to be thinner. Probably because if you eat more chocolate than the average American, you are also statistically likely to be dead.

Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre has told the American press they are "complacent", "self-regarding" and "up themselves". Strange tactic for an interview, but they hired him on the spot.

Friends Reunited has relaunched with a new focus on 'nostalgia' - for example, nostalgia for that other time Friends Reunited launched, back when you could give a damn about it.

Easyjet has announced it will start charging for seat allocation, with passengers paying an extra £12 for seats with leg room. There's also the premium offer: for only £20 more, you could be upgraded to British Airways.

As part of her Diamond Jubilee, the Queen has been given an Oyster card. Given that she has no idea what it does she's left it back at the Palace, where Prince Philip is trying to find a way to offend it.

Nations around the world have failed to negotiate a bid to stop leaving their junk in space. They're claiming that space "started it" by "always leaving the toilet seat up".

(PS I haven't read back through everyone's yet but I like that line about Saturn's moon Steve Sunshine)

My misses from week 6. Front-loaded. I think.

CORRECTION:
Campaigners hoping to give a royal name to the Big Ben clock tower have suggested "Queen Elizabeth", and not as we said, "King Dong".

CORRECTION:
We reported that most people joining the army expect to go on patrol duty. Turns out it was "petrol".

FINALLY:
That was Newsjack from March 2012, the week in which a woman holding a brick broke into Simon Cowell's house, shortly before she went on to win Britain's Got Talent - the final series before OFCOM insisted it should be renamed "Britain's Not Really Got Talent But We Do Have a Lot of Freaks Holding Bricks". Next on Radio 4Extra, Andy McNab reads from his chilling account of a soldier on the front line at Shell, Esso and Texaco, in "Petrol - One-Four-Zero".

JACK APP:
I've just bought fifty Cornish Pasties to protest against the pasty tax. I'm not gonna eat any of that rubbish, I just want something crusty to throw at George Osborne. Take that George!

JACK APP:
When I saw the Stock-Aitken-Waterman reunion line-up - Jason Donovan, Sonia, Dead or Alive - my first thought was... dead.

JACK APP:
If Mars will cap calories in chocolate bars by the end of 2013 and Coca-Cola will reduce calories in soft drinks by 2014, I'll control my calories in 2015. I'm just big-boned, really.

JACK APP:
I'm going to register early if they agree to a Royal Mail sell-off. I'm hoping they do Prince Harry first!

JACK APP:
The GAME group going into administration is a lesson in modern retailing - one minute you're up up up, then down down down (F/X: COMPUTER GAME SUCCESS NOISE) - oh, they're out of administration! (F/X COMPUTER GAME FAILURE NOISE) - oh no, they're in it again.

JACK APP:
Since One Direction have been so successful flying out to America, I hope they live up to their name and stay there.

JACK APP:
I don't really mind the new Team GB Olympic kits, as long as in beach volleyball they play shirts v skins.

JACK APP:
When a hot air balloon crashes into cables and leads to people losing electricity - well, it just proves that wind power will never work.

JACK APP
I'm not convinced by consumer magazine Which's criticism of comparison websites, but I don't know how to find out if there's a better consumer magazine out there.

I particularly enjoyed the joke about buying the 99 ice cream, space invaders and a stamp without having change from a fiver although you could have used a greggs pasty in there as this was quite prominent in the News.

Anyway, havin said that here's my pile of dog shit for week 6 of Newsjack:

ONE LINERS:

David Cameron is said to be looking for donors to attend his dinner date however, O Negatives need not apply.

Tulisa Contostavlo has this week gagged her former lover in the follow up to her successful sex tape.

A new celebrity dining show is set to be commissioned where for the fee of £250,00.00 contestants get the chance to dine with the Prime Minister. It's aptly named Cam dine with me.

CORRECTIONS:

Last week we reported that Cameron had sunk to new levels. We would however like to re-iterate that we were in fact referring to film director James Cameron's latest submarine mission and not David Cameron's 'cash for access' scandal.

JACK APPS:

(Manchester Accent)
I don't see why unite are going on strike over pay conditions their players are some of the highest earners in the country.

(Posh Etonian)
I would like to say thanks for dinner last night David. The entertainment was certainly worth every penny.

Much Love,

Jason.

I particularly enjoyed the joke about buying the 99 ice cream, space invaders and a stamp without having change from a fiver although you could have used a greggs pasty in there as this was quite prominent in the News.

Anyway, havin said that here's my pile of dog shit for week 6 of Newsjack:

ONE LINERS:

David Cameron is said to be looking for donors to attend his dinner date however, O Negatives need not apply.

Tulisa Contostavlo has this week gagged her former lover in the follow up to her successful sex tape.

A new celebrity dining show is set to be commissioned where for the fee of £250,00.00 contestants get the chance to dine with the Prime Minister. It's aptly named Cam dine with me.

CORRECTIONS:

Last week we reported that Cameron had sunk to new levels. We would however like to re-iterate that we were in fact referring to film director James Cameron's latest submarine mission and not David Cameron's 'cash for access' scandal.

JACK APPS:

(Manchester Accent)
I don't see why unite are going on strike over pay conditions their players are some of the highest earners in the country.

(Posh Etonian)
I would like to say thanks for dinner last night David. The entertainment was certainly worth every penny.

Much Love,

Jason.

Quote: Bomsh @ March 29 2012, 5:57 PM BST

(Brummie Businessman) I paid a quarter of a million pounds for dinner with David Cameron and George Osborne and it was worth every penny. I'd never trashed a restaurant before.

That was the last ever edition of Newsjack, broadcast way back in Spring 2012, shortly before comedy withdrew from the airwaves, having completed all its goals. Who can now forget the wave of virulent satire that shamed politicians into honouring promises and answering questions directly? In the ensuing months errant satnavs, voice activated menus and owls in pipes fell like dominos, culminating in the mass suicide of the bankers that summer. There were casualties of course - thousands of precocious sitcom children who had to go back to playing with dollies and action men and, of course, my wife, who was finally forced, involuntarily, to go to Jamaica.

View original

Like this. Nice angle on the last one.

Quote: Kevin Mears @ March 29 2012, 6:44 PM BST

* (ELDERLY MAN) I was disappointed to hear that our Saga cruise has been delayed. My wife and I now have to hire a car to get to Dubrovnik. It's going to be a Saga mega drive.

* I think the decision to use Twitter to find the next Archbishop of Canterbury is a rubbish idea. I mean Jesus only had twelve followers, didn't he?

* I'm surprised ITV is showing Titanic in four parts. Everyone knows it split into two.

View original

Like these.

Quote: StephenM @ March 29 2012, 6:51 PM BST

NEWSJACK APP
So the government is selling a third of its stake in RBS to Abu Dhabi? That leaves us taxpayers with ... just the BS.

Baroness Grey-Thompson is right when she says disabled people are treated like second-class citizens. Still, I guess we'll be worth 39% more next year.

(JOHNNY VEGAS) I just found out that ITV Digital failed because we were hacked and I'm not happy. Mind you I thought someone was working that monkey from the outside.

JUSTIN'S INTRO
Britain's Got Talent is back and this year there's a 500,000 pounds prize for the winner. That's the sort of money that can buy you a book of first class stamps and a full tank of petrol.

View original

First one: excellent, second one far too clever, third one I like, fourth one I'm not a big fan of but you've hit the Newsjackstyle hammer right on the head.

Quote: LippyAlison @ March 29 2012, 6:52 PM BST

POSH LADY: My new vicar said I should tweet him. So I tweeted him to my home made cawwot cake.

WOMAN: I took that advice that eating more chocolate would give me the body of an athlete. Sadly, it turned out to be the Russian shot-put gold medalist (BEAT) in their men's team.

WORKING CLASS MAN: I paid £250 to dine with the labour party leader. They sent me a pot noodle and a DVD of Ed Milliband's greatest speeches. It was over before I'd even thrown up the pot noodle.

And next on Radio4 Extra, Ready, Steady, Crook with Peter Cruddas. This week the contestants have to cook for a dinner party with the Prime Minister, using only an egg, a tomato and 250 thousand pounds.

View original

Liked all these.

Quote: blackbroom @ March 29 2012, 7:05 PM BST

CORRECTION: We could perhaps have chosen our words more carefully when we revealed that, when Samantha Cameron has guests round for dinner, she makes sure she gets hundreds and thousands for her trifle.

View original

Very good concept. Probably needs a rewording but nearly there.

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ March 29 2012, 8:53 PM BST

After all these years they're having the first ever Dr Who convention. It's about time... And space

When Barak Obama visited South Korea he had to be very careful that he didn't go into North Korea by mistake. Of course it all went to plan, which shows the value of going to see your Koreas advisor.

I agree with Obama I don't think anyone should be allowed to have nuclear arms... Unless you're a superhero, then you can have nuclear legs as well if you want.

They've found a dog that's as small as an Iphone. There's a Yap for that

The Queen gate crashed a couple's wedding the other day. At first They were both thrilled. Until the Queen smashed a Champagne bottle over the brides backside & blessed all those who sail in her.

Simon Cowell has finally fixed a fault with his security alarms. previously all three buzzers had to go off to stop someone getting through.

View original

Pick of Steve's though all were very well put together.

Quote: Big Jack @ March 30 2012, 12:20 AM BST

(1)This week James Cameron embarked on a perilous seven hour journey cramped in a foetal position, unable to eat or go to the toilet the whole while on standby to operate the safety hatch - but he should think himself lucky that EasyJet were able to fly him to his sub.

(11)That was Newsjack, first transmitted in the week that in an attempt to restore confidence in the Conservative Party Peter Cruddas was replaced as Tory treasurer by Lord Fink...who in turn was replaced by Lord Sneaky, then Lord Shyster, before eventually being succeeded by Lord St John Conman.

View original

Liked

Quote: Kirn @ March 30 2012, 1:29 AM BST

Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre has told the American press they are "complacent", "self-regarding" and "up themselves". Strange tactic for an interview, but they hired him on the spot.

View original

Good stuff. The 'Friends Reunited' is a great angle but needs a rewrite to really hit the mark.

Quote: Badge @ March 30 2012, 1:45 AM BST

FINALLY:
That was Newsjack from March 2012, the week in which a woman holding a brick broke into Simon Cowell's house, shortly before she went on to win Britain's Got Talent - the final series before OFCOM insisted it should be renamed "Britain's Not Really Got Talent But We Do Have a Lot of Freaks Holding Bricks". Next on Radio 4Extra, Andy McNab reads from his chilling account of a soldier on the front line at Shell, Esso and Texaco, in "Petrol - One-Four-Zero".

JACK APP:
When I saw the Stock-Aitken-Waterman reunion line-up - Jason Donovan, Sonia, Dead or Alive - my first thought was... dead.

JACK APP:
I'm going to register early if they agree to a Royal Mail sell-off. I'm hoping they do Prince Harry first!

JACK APP:
When a hot air balloon crashes into cables and leads to people losing electricity - well, it just proves that wind power will never work.

JACK APP
I'm not convinced by consumer magazine Which's criticism of comparison websites, but I don't know how to find out if there's a better consumer magazine out there.

View original

All good also

Quote: Jason Simmons @ March 30 2012, 10:07 AM BST

Last week we reported that Cameron had sunk to new levels. We would however like to re-iterate that we were in fact referring to film director James Cameron's latest submarine mission and not David Cameron's 'cash for access' scandal.

(Manchester Accent)
I don't see why unite are going on strike over pay conditions their players are some of the highest earners in the country.

View original

First one's good. Second one has potential, but I don't think you've nailed it.

My rejects:
CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise to Greggs' employees, who last week served kitted out entirely in riot gear, after we mentioned George Osborne had launched a tax on pasties.

JACKAPP:
I've been dragged into the 'igher rate tax band! 'igh rate? I'm bloomin' livid!

POSH:
I am severely offended by this record number of naked people playing mini golf. It's utterly disgraceful that this country's standards have stooped so low and I find it quite, quite offensive! I mean, what is *wrong* with normal golf?!

JACKAPP:
The irony is that the only people in a position to grass up, are those using hosepipes.

ANGRY:
Does it annoy me that Brits spend 3 months of their life discussing the weather?! No. It's fine.

JACKAPP:
Clean slates for criminals? I don't see why they should get their roofs washed.

JACKAPP:
Coke cutting calories by 30%? I don't know how they got the dealers to agree!

JACKAPP:
Hello? I'd like to report somebody using their hosepipe who really shouldn't be: Ryan Giggs.

FINALLY:
That was Newsjack from March 2012, when studies concluded that one in three babies born that year, would live to the age of 100. This was subsequently proven to be correct, though every single one that passed the milestone still didn't live long enough to claim their pensions.

It was also the week that the government announced £80billion was being wasted on red tape, until a initiative saved 99% of that figure by switching to blue.

Next on Radio 4 Extra, Angry Minister's Space, the story of Ed Miliband's most charismatic speech ever, that saw the House of Commons completely empty, mere hours before it ended.

Dan

Here's some ones I like. Though it's probably worth saying I have been drinking...

Quote: Bomsh @ March 29 2012, 5:57 PM BST

(Cheney) Hi, this is Dick Cheney just calling to say 'F**k you, Tin Man'

We were wrong to speculate earlier that the price of stamps has gone up after George Osborne had his postman to dinner at No. 11. He had postman to dinner because he has no friends.

View original

Quote: blahblah @ March 29 2012, 6:34 PM BST

I went to the Dr Who convention and it was paradise - by that I mean it was full of virgins!

People are worried that children may be pigeon holed at play school - I hope they aren't a pigeon hole is too small for a child. That's why I keep mine in a kennel

JK Rowling here. The reason I'm not on Forbes Billionaires list is because I give money to people less fortunate than me- unfortunately that's everyone!

Mistakes are like breasts I love my wives, but not my own. Newsjack would like to correct some past mistakes

View original

Quote: groovydude89 @ March 29 2012, 6:44 PM BST

"To me, Sport Relief means a day on which there's no sport on the telly."

View original

Quote: Kevin Mears @ March 29 2012, 6:44 PM BST

* My son thought it would be funny to put my clock forward by two hours instead of one. Joke's on him though. I've bought him vouchers for GAME for his birthday.

* I just bought a 99 ice cream, some space raider crisps and a first class stamp. I was hoping for some change from that fiver.

View original

Quote: LippyAlison @ March 29 2012, 6:52 PM BST

POSH LADY: My new vicar said I should tweet him. So I tweeted him to my home made cawwot cake.

View original

Can I just say that line is brilliant. The only thing against it is the link to the news story is a little obscure but definitely save it for another occasion.

Quote: blackbroom @ March 29 2012, 7:05 PM BST

CORRECTION: There were some inaccuracies in our story about Simon Cowell. He did meet a woman at the back of his wardrobe, but she did not, as reported, give him a ride on her sleigh and offer him Turkish Delight.

View original

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ March 29 2012, 8:53 PM BST

After all these years they're having the first ever Dr Who convention. It's about time... And space

When Barak Obama visited South Korea he had to be very careful that he didn't go into North Korea by mistake. Of course it all went to plan, which shows the value of going to see your Koreas advisor.

It's so refreshing to see a Talent show that was purely about peoples singing voices and not their appearance. I was so pleased when they put through the ugly girl & the fat bloke.

My Wife should get a job at that new Carbon measuring centre. She can look at any Diamond and immediately tell me how much bigger it is than the one I bought her

If the Army need someone to drive a Petrol Tanker then I'm their man I'm retired now but I used to be a 4 star general.

I think it's great they're hiring students as security for the Olympics you'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to get past us. So please don't.

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Some nice groans in there with Koreas advisor and 4-star general.

Quote: Big Jack @ March 30 2012, 12:20 AM BST

(3)This Granny Tax will be impossible to administer. Where will we find someone to cash £3bn of postal orders?

(6)I'm disgusted by that man on YouTube who drank 20 pints of beer and was filmed biting a pigeon. Everyone knows it's white wine with poultry.

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Quote: Kirn @ March 30 2012, 1:29 AM BST

Scientists have revealed that a third of babies born today will live to the age of 100. So if there are any expectant mothers listening, you've still got about 90 minutes.

Easyjet has announced it will start charging for seat allocation, with passengers paying an extra £12 for seats with leg room. There's also the premium offer: for only £20 more, you could be upgraded to British Airways.

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Quote: Badge @ March 30 2012, 1:45 AM BST

JACK APP
I'm not convinced by consumer magazine Which's criticism of comparison websites, but I don't know how to find out if there's a better consumer magazine out there.

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Quote: Jason Simmons @ March 30 2012, 10:07 AM BST

David Cameron is said to be looking for donors to attend his dinner date however, O Negatives need not apply.

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Quote: swerytd @ March 30 2012, 1:15 PM BST

JACKAPP:
I've been dragged into the 'igher rate tax band! 'igh rate? I'm bloomin' livid!

ANGRY:
Does it annoy me that Brits spend 3 months of their life discussing the weather?! No. It's fine.

FINALLY:
That was Newsjack from March 2012, when studies concluded that one in three babies born that year, would live to the age of 100. This was subsequently proven to be correct, though every single one that passed the milestone still didn't live long enough to claim their pensions.

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Quote: swerytd @ March 30 2012, 1:15 PM BST

First one: excellent, second one far too clever, third one I like, fourth one I'm not a big fan of but you've hit the Newsjackstyle hammer right on the head.

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To be honest you've pretty much hit on the head how I felt about mine. And I'll grant you the others weren't the strongest so glad I sussed the 'front-loading' right. (Still like the Harry Potter one though - although completely off brief and really should be the start of a sketch)

Having said that noticed our pick of other people's one-liners is completely different! It's a strange game comedy.

Damn I'm a bit late for this, but I'm still going to put up the one liners I did for the last two episodes, I'm not going to put upp skecthes or Jack apps. I know these arnt up to scratch but any constructive critism would be really appreciated.

This week is was revealed a third of rail passengers are forced to stand, but more shockingly two thirds of rail passengers are forced to sit next to rail passengers.
Tulisa's career this week has suffered some damage but on the bright side she has been offered a contact with the website the xxx factor.
Simon Cowell got quite a shock Saturday night when someone broke into his house in London and hid in his closet Simon shouted at them to get out, something which he has been shouting at Louis Walsh for years.
Microsoft moves to disable Zeus botnet and if this means something to you, you need to get out more.
Heart transplants work best when opera music is being played, preferably not by the doctors.
Three circus elephants in Switzerland are being forced on diet after piling over half a tonne between them, still that's nothing compared to the loose women panel.
Two gay men were spotted having sex aboard a cruise ship and were fined, they blamed it on 'too many cocktails', which was ironically also the complaint.
James Cameron plunges almost seven miles under water this week and more people are asking the question why couldn't he just stay down there?
People have described Madonna's new video as being too raunchy for the internet, they obviously haven't seen Tulisa's new video.

Apple has been criticised for misleading advertising as new High-def ipad killed hundreds.
A Harry Potter actor was jailed this week for violet disorder and has been sent to jail, his other offensives include theft, vandalism and using his magic outside Hogwarts.
The plans for longer trading Sundays trading during Olympics now means Sundays will be 26 hours long.
A great week for cinema this week, up until George Clooney was released again.
This week scientist have reassured us that the 50m long asteroid will narrowly miss earth, to me it narrowly missing earth is not reassuring.
This week it was revealed Homeless households in Britain rose by a fifth compared to last year. If your like me your curious about what a homeless household actually is.
On being firing from the discovery channel Bear Grylls said to his fans : "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." However from him we learnt stay on the path and you won't have to drink piss.
This week the Rolling Stones have delayed there 50th year anniversary tour, and on most people's minds the question is How the hell is Keith Richards still alive?
Sad news this week as Red Bull inventor dies, who found out the hard way that Red Bull doesn't give you wings.
In education this week high-flyer children will sit a new test, mainly to aid and develop there control when in flight.