Here are my one liner rejects:

INTRO:
Researchers at Harvard Medical School have discovered that a diet high in red meat can shorten life expectancy, with cows and sheep thought to be in a particularly high risk group.

INTRO:
The Ministry of Defence is considering installing surface to air missiles in Blackheath and Shooters Hill during the olympic games. If it gives us another chance of a gold medal in the archery, then I'm all for it.

INTRO:
This week, scientists discovered that wearing a white lab coat helps you perform better in tests and may improve your effectiveness at work. As a control, the same experiment was carried out by the same scientists without their lab coats, but they were unable to repeat their findings.

JOSEPH KONY:
This is Joseph Kony. The United Nations tried to stop me and failed. Amnesty International tried to stop me and failed. But when people started disliking my YouTube videos and unfollowing me on twitter, I knew that I had gone too far.

JACKAPP:
I'm not happy with this LSD treatment that's supposed to cure my boozing, I'm still seeing pink elephants.

JACKAPP:
It's a disgrace how that BBC Breakfast presenter fell asleep on camera, he's not supposed to be watching ITV's Daybreak while he's working.

JACKAPP:
So, Camelot have complained about the Health Lottery, but if it wasn't for them there's no way I could afford to have my extra testicle removed. Thank God for that bonus ball.

JACKAPP:
There are far too many dating shows on TV now, what's wrong with getting a date the old-fashioned way, by using a 20 year old photo on your Match.com profile?

CORRECTION:
After Vince Cable declared parts of the tory right wing to be backward-looking and old-fashioned, Newsjack would like to apologise for suggesting that in order to appear more up to date himself, he's been asking everyone to call him Vince USB-Cable.

CORRECTION:
Newsjack would like to apologise for its recent review of the sci-fi movie The Hunger Games, we accept that it is not actually a documentary about the length of the queues at the olympic stadium's refreshment facilities .

AND FINALLY:
And that was Newsjack from way back in the mists of March 2012, in the week that Rebekah Brooks was first arrested as part of the police enquiry into phone hacking. She would go on to escape from jail by weaving her hair into a crude rope ladder, but was later apprehended again after police traced the delivery of a suspiciously large consignment of hair conditioner to her subterranean hideout.

It was also the week that Chinese hackers stole the top secret plans to a British fighter jet, which lead to the market being flooded with poor quality jet fighters which didn't fly properly when the British maker carried on with their manufacturing plans anyway.

Next on BBC Radio 4 Extra, it's Max Clifford on Joseph Kony, in which the PR guru explains how he would have handled Mr Kony's PR campaign very differently.

I too liked Big Jack's TOWIE gag and Dan's LSD one. I also liked 3songs slightly surreal Rebekah Brooks one.

Here's mine:

MANPosh) I'm thrilled they've discovered this new Leonardo. Apparently you can tell it's genuine because the pigments show traces of Dan Brown.

STEPHEN HAWKING:Contrary to press reports I wish to clarify that I will not be appearing in The Big Bang Theory. My secretary was merely trying to book me into the California club of a similar name.

MANPosh) I see experts reckon they've discovered Leonardo's famous picture of the Battle of Anghiari. Apparently you can tell it's genuine because the swords follow you around the room.

MAN: (Posh) I intend to visit that new Captain Oates exhibition one day, but I may be some time

WOMANBirmingham) Yeah, we got some great pictures on our daytrip to the M25. I'm just not sure how to download them off the speed camera.

MANGlasgow) If pagan prisoners want the right to wear hoods and pray naked, why don't they just transfer to Guantanamo?

Quote: 3songsnoflash @ March 15 2012, 11:14 AM GMT

INTRO:
This week, scientists discovered that wearing a white lab coat helps you perform better in tests and may improve your effectiveness at work. As a control, the same experiment was carried out by the same scientists without their lab coats, but they were unable to repeat their findings.

JOSEPH KONY:
This is Joseph Kony. The United Nations tried to stop me and failed. Amnesty International tried to stop me and failed. But when people started disliking my YouTube videos and unfollowing me on twitter, I knew that I had gone too far.

JACKAPP:
It's a disgrace how that BBC Breakfast presenter fell asleep on camera, he's not supposed to be watching ITV's Daybreak while he's working.

JACKAPP:
So, Camelot have complained about the Health Lottery, but if it wasn't for them there's no way I could afford to have my extra testicle removed. Thank God for that bonus ball.

JACKAPP:
There are far too many dating shows on TV now, what's wrong with getting a date the old-fashioned way, by using a 20 year old photo on your Match.com profile?

CORRECTION:
After Vince Cable declared parts of the tory right wing to be backward-looking and old-fashioned, Newsjack would like to apologise for suggesting that in order to appear more up to date himself, he's been asking everyone to call him Vince USB-Cable.

AND FINALLY:
And that was Newsjack from way back in the mists of March 2012, in the week that Rebekah Brooks was first arrested as part of the police enquiry into phone hacking. She would go on to escape from jail by weaving her hair into a crude rope ladder, but was later apprehended again after police traced the delivery of a suspiciously large consignment of hair conditioner to her subterranean hideout.

View original

All well written 3snf, liked the ones above. Bonus ball is excellent. Bottom one: wasn't she arrested for the second time? Banned from NJ for not reading properly!

Quote: John Kelly @ March 15 2012, 12:08 PM GMT

MAN: (Posh) I intend to visit that new Captain Oates exhibition one day, but I may be some time

WOMANBirmingham) Yeah, we got some great pictures on our daytrip to the M25. I'm just not sure how to download them off the speed camera.

MANGlasgow) If pagan prisoners want the right to wear hoods and pray naked, why don't they just transfer to Guantanamo?

View original

Liked these very much John.

Nice to see you both, btw!

Dan

Stuff I like so far...

Quote: Big Jack @ March 15 2012, 12:04 AM GMT

(3) Why have they messed around with opera and put helicopters in it?! I prefer it plane.

(11) That was Newsjack, first broadcast in the week that Prime Minister David Cameron was welcomed as a guest on Air Force One. Mr Cameron declared the trip to be a resounding success, adding "I got an ashtray, two monogrammed towels, and most of the mini-bar".

View original

LOL'ed t (11)

Quote: swerytd @ March 15 2012, 9:25 AM GMT

JUSTIN:
French president Nicolas Sarkozy has been forced to apologise to a policewoman after his teenage son threw a tomato at her. The lady admitted it was her own fault, for claiming she was leaving the police and getting into stocks.

View original

Looks like we had similar ideas about red meat and LSD, so maybe plenty of other people did, too? I almost sent a similar line about Game, but I dropped it as I didn't want to send too many one liners in...

Quote: John Kelly @ March 15 2012, 12:08 PM GMT

WOMANBirmingham) Yeah, we got some great pictures on our daytrip to the M25. I'm just not sure how to download them off the speed camera.

MANGlasgow) If pagan prisoners want the right to wear hoods and pray naked, why don't they just transfer to Guantanamo?

View original

These two were great, too...

My favourites so far:

Quote: Big Jack @ March 15 2012, 12:04 AM GMT

(10) In New York a budgeting row means there's going to be a toilet paper shortage - in France that wouldn't wipe.

View original

Quote: swerytd @ March 15 2012, 9:25 AM GMT

JUSTIN:
This week, it turns out men are so flooded with testosterone that aaarrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! Apologies there, my flies were caught on a couple of delicate, yet ballooning anatomical areas.

JACKAPP:
It's true! Since reaching middle-age, I've been much happier after giving up on my dreams. Though they did all involve someone chasing me with an axe...

Next on Radio 4 Extra, Niall Ferguson's China Crisis, a study of society in which individualism was proved be genetic in the West. Personally, I thought it was a load of nonsense, and I don't care what anybody else thinks.

View original

Quote: 3songsnoflash @ March 15 2012, 11:14 AM GMT

INTRO:
This week, scientists discovered that wearing a white lab coat helps you perform better in tests and may improve your effectiveness at work. As a control, the same experiment was carried out by the same scientists without their lab coats, but they were unable to repeat their findings.

JOSEPH KONY:
This is Joseph Kony. The United Nations tried to stop me and failed. Amnesty International tried to stop me and failed. But when people started disliking my YouTube videos and unfollowing me on twitter, I knew that I had gone too far.

JACKAPP:
So, Camelot have complained about the Health Lottery, but if it wasn't for them there's no way I could afford to have my extra testicle removed. Thank God for that bonus ball.

View original

Quote: John Kelly @ March 15 2012, 12:08 PM GMT

MANGlasgow) If pagan prisoners want the right to wear hoods and pray naked, why don't they just transfer to Guantanamo?

View original

Newsjack Apps

I can't believe there's a hosepipe ban next month. How am I supposed to syphon petrol!?

David Cameron and Barack Obama have said the relationship between the UK and America is unique and essential - that's how I describe breathing through my bum

As the Royal biographer I was excited to tell the story of Prince Harrys time in the Caribbean but apparently what happens on tour stays on tour

Vladimir Putin here I am calling to refute the allegations of poll rigging. I deserve my place in crufts

My congratulations to the nineteen year old Cyber Security Champion who is now officially king of the virgins

A former soldier has been sentenced to six thousand and sixty years for crimes against humanity - his release will coincide with an electable Labour Government

Corrections

We reported last week that the Lib Dems had taken several wrong turns - we have since discovered they did in fact intend to go to Gateshead

We claimed the detained Rebekah Brooks was given a cake with a file in it - Mrs. Brooks assures us she was unaware of the files existence and she did not instruct anyone to hide the file

Last week we presented a story entitled "panic on Merseyside" this was about Liverpool FCs title hopes and not as we reported the local reaction to Land Rover creating one thousand jobs in the area

Last week we reported a former soldier was sentenced to six thousand and sixty years imprisonment for crimes against humanity - this was Pedro Pimentel Rios and not as we reported James Blunt

Last week we presented a story entitled "The Only Way Is Essex America bound" - this was about a US remake of the television show and not as we reported an extradition order

During the show we claimed Roberto Di Matteo was the Chelsea manager. It is now Mike Bassett. A moment ago we reported the Chelsea manager was Mike Basset it is now that fella from Match Of The Day. A mome-it's you. It's me. It's a consortium of everyone who's ever lived!

And Finally

That was Newsjack first broadcast in March twenty twelve the week that saw Prince Harry conclude his trip to the Caribbean. This led to Harrys infamous appearance on Embarrassing Bodies with a rather nasty sun burn on his crown jewels. Next on Radio four extra the Greek Prime Minister tells us how he solved his countries financial crisis by settling out of court with News International

That was Newsjack first broadcast way back in March twenty twelve the week that saw the Lib Dem spring conference hit the north east of England. The NHS reform was meant to be discussed at the conference but Nick Clegg was unavailable for the debate because he was filming his cameo on Geordie Shore. For our younger listeners the NHS was a healthcare service. Next on Radio four extra Professor Brian Cox reads from his book that first proved there was no God entitled; "god can you hear me no because your not there"

END

Actually thought I had a chance this week. Fool.

Intro:

JUSTIN: German tabloid Bild has finally accepted that women having breasts isn't news - removing the traditional naked model from its cover. Here at Newsjack we prefer to keep our clothes on, while laying bare the indiscretions and vices of our political masters (THEN INCREASINGLY LUSTFUL & DEMENTED) exposing the errant and the empty, plucking the puffed up and the pompous, revealing the rotten and the ridiculous, stripping the salacious and the sordid, defiling the deceitful and the dirty...

PRODUCER: Er, Justin, Justin...

JUSTIN: (PANTING) Oh. I am sorry. I don't know what, um, what came over me then. Erm. Could I have a glass of water please.

News One Liners:

On Tuesday, former Chief Executive of News International Rebecca Brooks was arrested, along with her husband racehorse trainer Charlie Brooks, as part of the inquiry into phone hacking. That reminds me, my wife and I really should do more things together.

This week it's been revealed that getting older makes us happier because we give up on our dreams. Well if anyone thinks that giving up my dream about the British women's 400-metre relay team will make me happier, then they know nothing about me. And nothing about women's athletics.

Coca-Cola and Pepsi have had to change the recipes of their drinks to avoid putting a cancer-warning label on the bottle. "The adverse PR has been most regrettable" said the Soft Drink Association's medical advisor, Dr Pepper.

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams entered the row over a person's right to wear the cross at work by describing it as mere "decoration". Which is, I'm sure, exactly how Jesus saw it when he was nailed to one.

A beached whale has finally been removed from the Lincolnshire seaside resort of Skegness. Council officials have suggested Eric Pickles takes his holidays elsewhere next year.

Jack Apps:

WOMAN: David Cameron may like Angry Birds, but he still needs to show them more respect in the Commons.

POSH CHAP: If we do have to pipe down water from Scotland, can we at least make it Highland Spring.

CLEVER CLOGS: This nude cycle protest about the condition of Peru's highways - it just meant even more cracks on the road.

Here are my wasted efforts for the week:

CORRECTIONS

* Last week we reported that Venus and Jupiter meeting in the night sky would bring good news to Geminis. Newsjack would like to state that we don't condone the use of any sort of medieval, hippy crap.

ONE LINERS

* (CHILD) Hi, is that the school nurse? I've just been playing kiss chase and I need a lurgy injection quick

* I've heard President Obama is taking David Cameron to a basketball game. It's a shame the Eton Bluebloods aren't playing.

AND FINALLY

* That was an episode of Newsjack from March 2012. The month when TV game shows Deal or No Deal and Red or Black were closed down for illegal gambling. There was further scandal when Take Me Out host Paddy McGuiness was arrested for pimping and escorting. Also shoppers flocked to stores to purchase the new Ipad 3, only to discover it was already out of date. Coming up, Boris Johnson reads from his

Quote: swerytd @ March 15 2012, 9:25 AM GMT

(

JACKAPP:
They're right about LSD helping giving up drinking. I took it once and my pint chased me out of the pub!

JACKAPP:
Diets high in red meat shorten life expectancy? Well, certainly for cows.

JACKAPP:
Game didn't seem too worried about going out of business; not until someone explained they didn't have another two lives remaining.

View original

Liked these

Here are my favourite disowned offspring:

One Liners:

Analysis of studies performed in the 1960's suggests that a single dose of LSD could help alcoholics quit drinking. That is, if they can get past the six-foot, tentacled beer glass stood in the doorway.

Claire Diver gave birth to a baby girl on the forecourt of a BP garage earlier this week, after a mad dash by her husband Peter. As it was her first-born, she managed to exchange her daughter for a full tank of petrol.

Cheryl Cole is being tipped to become the new Parky, with her own TV chatshow. However, issues with dialect encountered during her short-lived stint as a judge on the American X factor means her new show will only be shown on S4C.

A hosepipe ban is to be imposed in the London and the Thames Valley area this Easter, although small lengths can continue to be used in official police interrogations.

A company in Austin, Texas has been equipping homeless people with 4G devices to provide WiFi hotspots throughout the city. As well as in libraries and coffee shops, the internet can now be accessed in soup kitchens, under bridges, around burning braziers at midnight and during high street robberies.

Jack App:

This new self-scan idea with one person looking after four machines is ridiculous. Will there ever be an end to the NHS cuts?

PB.

Justin:

"Oxfam have revealed the best and worst places in the world to be a woman. Bloomingdales and Peter Sutcliffe's prison cell; were the respective winners."

"It's been announced that the Impotent Do-Nothing Committee is to be disbanded... or to give it its proper name - the Press Complaints Commission."

"Ed Miliband's been spotted at a football match, just hours after supposedly being 'too ill' to attend an NHS rally... which if you ask me - is relegation form."

JackApps:

"The Gambling Commission's wrong to say that 'Deal or no Deal' involves no element of skill... I mean, after all - not everyone can count to 22!"

"Eric Joyce walks into a bar... no wait, hasn't he been banned from all drinking establishments?"

"An American teenager has confessed to being addicted to drinking petrol... and I thought my cocaine habit was pricey!"

"Nick Clegg's claimed that he's 'as radical as ever'? As radical as never - more like!"

"Banning crucifixes in the workplace is a sure-fire way to make Christians cross."

Quote: groovydude89 @ March 15 2012, 5:20 PM GMT

Justin:

"It's been announced that the Impotent Do-Nothing Committee is to be disbanded... or to give it its proper name - the Press Complaints Commission."

"Banning crucifixes in the workplace is a sure-fire way to make Christians cross."

View original

My favourites of yours

Quote: 3songsnoflash @ March 15 2012, 11:14 AM GMT

CORRECTION:
After Vince Cable declared parts of the tory right wing to be backward-looking and old-fashioned, Newsjack would like to apologise for suggesting that in order to appear more up to date himself, he's been asking everyone to call him Vince USB-Cable.

View original

This made me smile

Mine!

JACK APPS/INTRODUCTIONS
A former Guatemalan soldier has been sentenced to 6,060 years for his role in the massacre of two-hundred people during the civil war. His lawyer however, said he shouldn't worry as the sentence was largely symbolic, and with parole and good behaviour he would be out well in time for Christmas, fifty-fourteen.

Western-super-Mare's annual sand sculpture festival may not happen this year unless they can raise fifty-thousand-pounds. A spokesman for the event said they were under threat of being washed away, by the rising tide of recession.

The company that owns the worldwide rights to several brands associated with author JRR Tolkien is suing a Southampton pub, the Hobbit, over copyright infringement. A lawyer representing the firm said that they owned the one copyright to rule them all, the one copyright to find them, the one copyright to bring them all to California where they'll fine them

Rebekah Brooks has been arrested in connection with phone hacking and the possible bribery of the police. It gives rise to that old adage "you should always look a gift horse in the mouth".

Nick Clegg admitted that he still does what his mother tells him, proving that he is the wettest thing in parliament since Charles Kennedy's flop sweat.

The thirty-five year old man arrested over the murder of former EastEnders actress Gemma McCluskie, whose torso was found in a London canal, is rumoured to be her brother... [EastEnders drum beat]

CORRECTIONS
We'd like to apologise for the mistake we made last week, LSD is has in actual fact been proven to be the best cure for alcoholism and not as we suggested, the best cure if you find yourself at a Justin Bieber concert.

My tried and tested (read: unoriginal) attempts

JUSTIN:

It's conference season and the Liberal Democrats have spent the last week picking through Shirley Williams' motion. Well if it looks like a motion, and it smells like a motion, it will probably end up as coalition government policy.

JACK APPS

So crooked farmers are receiving European subsidies for farmland where nothing is actually grown? It just goes to prove what I've said all along: the EU is a fruitless enterprise.

Hello, this is President Assad of Syria. I am losing support and my advisers have told me that I need to find somebody who is more evil and obnoxious than myself, so that I can look good by comparison. Do you have Keith Allen's number?

NATO says that it cannot withdraw troops from Afghanistan until the illegal drugs trade has been eradicated. What are they playing at? They've spent 11 years making a hash of it.

Christopher Tappin is in a US prison for selling batteries to Iran on the black market. I have no sympathy. The last time I bought batteries from the market they only lasted 20 minutes.

CORRECTIONS

JUSTIN:

Last week, we erroneously reported that UK debt had broken through the one trillion pound barrier, after George Osborne took out a loan with Wonga.com. We can now confirm that the actual amount owed is currently 2.5 Trillion... Eighteen trillion.... twenty six trillion... oh no, make it stop!

Quote: swerytd @ March 15 2012, 9:25 AM GMT

JACKAPP:
Diets high in red meat shorten life expectancy? Well, certainly for cows.

View original

Wasn't this another gag from the NJ pile that ended up on 10 O' Clock Live? I'm sure Jimmy Carr used it in his opening section during the bit with the "Beef Curtains" caption.

My failings for this week...my headlines were weak on reflection, but I am quite fond of my take on the red meat story, and my corrections intro if nothing else!

Headlines
Justin:Cyclists in Peru staged a naked protest about road safety this week. Despite their concerns few were wearing head protection, although many did have their helmets on display.

-Yahoo has sued facebook this week, claiming they have infringed 10 of their patents. We checked and both companies got all their systems and methods by using Google.

-Researchers may have found Leonardo's lost masterpiece 'The Battle of Angihari'. He went downhill after 'Gilbert Grape', as far as I'm concerned.

Jackapps

Justinpinions are, like, what people fink about fings 'n' stuff. (Beat). Sorry, just demonstrating to my 14 year old nephew why he doesn't host this show and I do...

Matador:I've heard that to increase my life expectancy I should substitute red meat for fish. But who'll watch me fight a herring instead of a bull?

Dealer:Boris Johnson is quite right that the Met shouldn't be spending a million quid on pot plants. I can get them all the pot they want for half that amount!

Caller:I hope I'm not one of the people wrongly diagnosed with syphilis. I've been enjoying passing that on!

Corrections

Justin:Mistakes are like pit-bull terriers - you can try and dress them up as something else, but they'll always come back to bite you.

Announceramien Hirst's public gallery will not include a work featuring pigs in crates - we misunderstood his comment about where he currently stores his Francis Bacon paintings.

Announcer:We regret any panic caused by our announcement that the use of windpipes would be banned. You can breathe easy again - we meant hosepipes.