Interview with a vampire.
Ouch!

My wife has forsaken me for a 14 inch vibrator.. It's got 4 speeds: slow, medium, fast and oh my f**king God..

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 17th December 2016, 8:50 AM

Interview with a vampire.
Ouch!

View original

Those lady vampires offering blow jobs can in fact leave you a bit deflated..

On being informed of his redundancy the Head Potter at the pottery factory stated that he'd rather be fired..

Well in that business it's Kiln or be kilned

Sooner or later it all goes to pot..

Out of all the people that I have met with parkinson's disease, I found that the majority are extremely disapproving when it comes to offensive comedy.

Like, urgh. Lighten up a little bit. It's a joke. Shake it off

My dad was a failed epileptic. No great shakes.

Shakin' Stevens said it when he covered 'All shook up'...

Quote: Frankie Rage @ 21st December 2016, 9:24 AM

Shakin' Stevens said it when he covered 'All shook up'...

View original

Mark Radcliffe once said he was looking forward to Shakin' Stevens touring in his 90s as Stationary Stevens

My dad did well in the epileptics association. He was a mover and shaker.

Christmas cracker gags:

Q. Why isn't Santa worried if his sleigh breaks down?
A. He can always take his sausage Rolls..

Q. What sex does Mrs Claus like best?
A.

Q. How many Elves does Santa have helping him?
A. twElve of course!

-Hey, Admiral, what's the name of an ancient Persian governor?
-It's satrap!!!
-Allahu Akbar.

As a special treat this Christmas I'm taking my wife to see that Shakespeare classic beloved by cobblers the world over, The Taming of the Shoe.

I had to stop quoting disco music. At first I was afriad.

Heard the one about the animal abuser who gave the turkey a good stuffing.

*****

At turkey school the teacher will often give the naughty turkeys a roasting.

turkeys one and all