Stupidly, I accidentally set my self on fire today.
I managed to dock the flames out but I was still fuming.

What did the whislting Yorkshire man say when the steam roller hit him

Nothing he just let out an eflat.

A missionary was in a cooking pot being boiled by cannibals.
He shouted "Don't boil me - I'm a baker!"
So they took him out and baked him.
But he got the last laugh.
He was actually a friar.

Young Romeo Beckham is about to embark on a career as a pro-footballer.

"Dad, what should my squad number be? Number 7 or 23 as they were both numbers you wore?"

"Neither" replied his dad, "wear 4 out there Romeo."

(Apologies if this has already appeared here!)

My father said, 'Michael, you are lazy and vulgar.' I couldn't be bothered to answer the c**t.

I saw a new TV Comedy show last night on ITV

Called "The ITV Leaders' Debate"

Seven clowns in a row!

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 3rd April 2015, 8:30 AM BST

My father said, 'Michael, you are lazy and vulgar.' I couldn't be bothered to answer the c**t.

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Tesco is sponsoring a new sequal to "Lord Of The Rings", in which a further unrecorded magic ring is dicovered in Lobelia and Otho's allotment. It's called "Unexpected Item in Baggins Area".

Good news for Ciara fans, there are two fantastic things on her new album. Bad news, they're both on the front cover.

I have been gathering my own food for ages.

One swallow doesn't make a relationship.

I love to give massages. I'm self taut.

You can't get blood from a stone. But if you're Miley Cyrus, you can get jizz from a sledgehammer.

I bought a book of recipes by Gordon Ramsay. He swears by them.

What's brown and sticky?
Graham Norton's dick.

Groping. Now that's a touchy subject.