I hate my new pencil portrait, it makes me look drawn

I was down the pub arguing with a zombie. He was sat next to me and he was dead right.

Karen zombie Carpenter was also performing at the pub - she stank.

I was going to do a pencil joke, but what's the point ?

My toboggan instructor has just gone to prison. He's doing a 30 day lie-down.

A man's gotta stand on his own two feet. Tell that to Oscar Pistorius.

What did Paul Daniels say when the blue whale came in his mouth? Not a lot.

Sure it wasn't a sperm whale whale Michael?

I'm a drug mule. I do all the donkey work.

I saw on YouTube: 'One Direction, High Quality.' I thought, No they're not.

When ever I try and tell a mean joke, they just turn out average.

I had a crap encore, yesterday....that's the last time I do a german scat cabaret with an irish pop group

People say, 'You can't love the Spice Girls and hate One Direction, they're the same.' It's true. Spice Girls - One Direction - you're watching five c**ts.

Wish you guys were on Twitter
I'm ripping it up tonight.

I've already had no less than two favourites & an "I don't get that one"

I swallowed a dictionary for breakfast. It got stuck in the upper esophageal sphincter.

In the saloon

Cowboy; WHISKY!
Bartender: Straight?
Cowboy: well... I'm bi-curious

I employ workers on my pig farm to do all the grunt work.

I just saw 3,746 homosexuals pitching tents. It really was a camp sight.