Excellent work - really good.
More than a cut above the usual self-indulgent or downright hopeless stuff we see on here.

Do you work on your own, or as part of a team?
I say this, because the only criticism I could level at it is that it sometimes feels you could do with some right c**t whispering in your ear "Is this bit as funny as the last bit?" or "Is this going on a bit too long?".
Some scenes - inside the restaurant with his sister and parents springs to mind - felt like they dragged a little.
The trouble is, you've taken this to such a pro level, that to judge it at anything less than pro level would do you no favours.
Having said that I think you've done more than enough to get interest from this, and once you do and you get a producer attached they'll be down on you like a ton of bricks anyway.

A ton of luck with this - do keep us informed as to it's progress, so that we can tell out grandchildren we were there at the beginning!

Hi Will. Thanks so much for the great comments! Yeh the 5 guess rule is so true, it's so frustrating! Will take a look at the article you mentioned, thanks so much for this. I've sent Rich your comments and his reply was "Come on Steve, this is getting ridiculous. You realise this kind of thing is going to make me CARRY ON ACTING. You don't want that." Haha! I will buy him a pint from you thanks again for all the advice, really good of you.

Thanks Lazzard, really appreciate you taking the time out to have a watch and to give us some feedback. So - I created the character of Stan, and wrote it but had no one to make it. I then went to a primary school reunion and bumped into two guys (who are now my best mates) who ran a production company called lumaproductions.co.uk. One of the guys who runs the production company helped me get it into script form and then the 3 of us invested around £500 to see what you've seen today. So long story short it is a joint 3 way project. I wrote it, one of the 2 guys then directed it and then the other guy edited it!

And yes you are right. We went through 21 drafts to get to the script where we got to today and a lot of stuff got cut, because it wasn't funny enough. You're right, we need to get harsher still and tighten it up further. I have quite a lot of material on my blog - thenewsandme.com where I think a lot of the recent stuff is actually funnier. Let's hope someone gambles and decides to take it on

Really, really appreciate that. Will continue to let you know how we go. Thanks for the kind words and we'll get on to making it tighter, and funnier.

Steve

Having seen how well you can make a finished product, how about showing us some script writing?

I'd be interested.

http://www.londoncomedywriters.com/

nb this is the 3rd best site for oppos etc, after BCG and Writers Room

I haven't much more to add that has already been said apart from I too thought it was brilliant.

I have posted so you know that a lot of people on here really like your stuff and think you have something of a very high quality.

Thought that was brilliant, as everyone else said it is very well made and executed

I've only watched the 3 minute scene, but was very impressed. There's plenty of nice gags in there. The recurring fire monitor gag was funny. The only problem is... it's far too long a scene for a sitcom. It does nothing but advise us that this chap is a first class knob when you should be laying some plot strands down. The character should be conveyed a lot quicker and then move on.

I do, though, like it as a standalone three minute piece. I'd subscribe to something like this that was a regular piece every couple of weeks or so.

Hi guys, just to let you know I have submitted it to the Amazon Studio's project. Will let you know how I get on! And also, if I learn anything that I can pass back. Again, really do appreciate all your feedback, help and advice.

Just out of interest? What was your favourite scene?

thanks

My favourite scene was the family meal as it very effectively showed the family dynamic ( showing not telling) and was just funny.

Top notch. £500? truly amazing.

My only suggestion is that the 'she must remember all the good times' montage at the end contained mainly scenes she wasn't in? I would have liked some quick sight gags showing the two of them in moments he would think of as 'good times' but she might not.

Very, very impressed.

playfull

Really really good. Well done.

Steve,

I finally got round to watching and it really is great, particularly for the budget.
I agree with a couple of comments about tightening it up. I think it would have been great at about 20 mins with some of the dialogue trimmed. For example, I get the family dynamic thing but I got that in about 10 seconds. Let's get straight to the menu bit.

You have a great character and it's 'real' which is very much what I think is being sought.

But, what I am most impressed with is the way you have taken comments and how you are willing to accept advice. You not only have a great idea with a bril central character (very well acted indeed!) you also have the right attitude.

Well done!

Mike.

There are some really funny moments in the episode (I watched the full 30 minute one)

I am writing a sitcom myself and know how hard it is. For me there are some glaring problems. The transitions between scenes don't work. It is like an unrelated group of funny sketches.

For example, the train scene doesn't fit. You tell us about the annoying boss but we had already met him in the previous scene. I think you should tell us what a tosser he is before we see him do anything else. That way every scene carrying the humour of the introduction montage.

Also the memory montage for the last scene should have been funny mini sketches of stan and emma. That way you would be more warmth to Stan who you want us to relate to.

I have been in discussions with the head of development at Jellylegs (who made The Royle Family) and she keeps mentioning warmth and heart. I think the episode is too disjointed to have this. I loved some of the comedy and it was very funny in parts. It was very well put together but I think it lacked the flow needed to for us, the viewer, to really connect to the characters.

This is my opinion based on my experiences with getting a sitcom commissioned but I hope it will help as I think even now it is better than some of the shit that is making it to the TV. I see it being a Channel 4 show. A bit like Pete Vs Life.

Two additional questions.
1. what software was used to make the title animation?
2. If I can raise 500 notes, do your mates want to make a sitcom pilot based at a community group aimed at getting isolated people reconnected with life?

All the best, it has huge potential.

Gary

Just bumping this as I was wondering if it went any further?

Hi Will,

Writer here - I just saw your message re if it went any further.

Well it ended up getting fairly far - I ended up working with Catherine Bailey, of Catherine Bailey productions, who helped me redevelop the script (I could share it if interested?) and she then took it to the BBC who liked it but had something similar in development. So I am now back to where I started! However, I have learnt an awful lot and the script is a lot stronger.

I need to motivate myself to try and write some new things, especially now that I have a good contact, but I must admit I was pretty gutted that Rules of Life fell at the final hurdle.

well done it deserved to go far, now you've found your voice the second one will be much easier.