I'm an incredibly think boy (barely class myself as a man!) and didn't really understand that?!

I think you are saying it is good (but not sure if you were being sarcastic?) but that I need to make the voice in his head way way different to his actual character. So almost make the voice in his head feel like another character? Have I read that right? If so I totally agree. I'd hoped I had kind of done that but clearly not - so I'll revisit and see if I can make them more contrasting.

I got completely lost on the last 3 lines of paradigm thing - I'm sorry! But again that is just because I am a simpleton!

Thanks for your comments first time around, and this time around SootyJ - really appreciate you taking the time.

an unsuccessful attempt to illustrate a contradictory narration, the voice in the speech marks.

So you think I should keep working on it? And just make the voice in his head a much sharper contrast to how he acts/behaves out loud?

Have a look at Moone Boy and even Play it again Sam to see other ways of using the contrapuntal inner monologue. My point earlier about a gap in the market by the way is the traditional family sitcom. They say they want monsters now like Mrs Browns setup... But if there isn't soon a variation on The Glums through to Bless This House through to My Family, 2.4 children, The Life of Riley etc etc,I will not only eat your hat but Sooty J's socks too.

As to keep working on this project? phone up Caroline and the others working in the biz you have met and ask them. If you want to sell it I mean.

I wear sandals

Yes there is.life in it just give the vo a purpose and distinct voice

I thought you were a Jew not a Christian with a bongo?

OK so I read the whole thing and I did enjoy a lot of the lines and general dialogue but I think mine and other peoples previous points do stand.

I didn't feel as though him arriving at the restaurant and getting cramp was a big enough pay off really. When you watch Curb or Pete vs Life which both have a similar 'snowball effect' feeling to them, they both really twist the knife in the final scenes. I felt the final scene in this was quite sedate...

I think you could improve this sitcom 10 fold if you find another writer willing to give you fresh input and a new perspective who will write with you and help to develop the ideas.

Hey guys,

Hope all is well! I've decided to bring Rules of Life back as a web series - one episode a week about Stan and him breaking some sort of rule. You guys quite enjoyed the footage first time round so wondered if you'd consider looking at my YouTube channel

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQ0vcAUCr1hEZgfIWkVcN0A/featured

I've also got a Facebook page and Twitter page but won't bombard you with links!

If you've got any feedback/ideas on how I can make the web series better then please let me know as I've never done it before. Basically I've got loads of scenes written up, got a cameraman and the actors and myself thought it would be fun to shoot 3-4 minute pieces. There's no real story and I am not trying to make it go anywhere. Just enjoy writing and shooting them.

Any feedback as ever appreciated! Thanks, Steve!

I really enjoyed them, nice low-key humour, heartless bastard main character, beautifully made.

Quote: beaky @ 14th October 2015, 7:26 PM BST

I really enjoyed them, nice low-key humour, heartless bastard main character, beautifully made.

View original

That's really kind of you to say Beaky. Thanks, appreciate it! I'll hopefully be filming some more these next few weeks so will share those with you. Cheers!

Your original material works well in the web series format. High quality production stands out here too.

Think the slight surreality of the "fire marshal" sketch/section is what works best in this format.

Hi!

I haven't read back through the threads, so apologies if anything I say has been said before. I've just watched "Rule 3: Always avoid your work colleague on the train home".

First. I think this is a mature and intelligent production. It has been filmed well, for what I understand was a small budget. The actors are brilliant. I really like the set-up of short 2-3 min videos of "Rules of life" - I think this approach holds people's attention on YouTube much more than a longer video. The header image is fun!

My thoughts/feedback are:

1) I felt the narration was too long. As soon as the colleague sat down, I wanted to see a conversation happen between them. I felt this would have then created an opportunity for the annoying man to be droning on about things at work and give the main character a bouncing off point to [cut to] scenes with his "reasons to avoid him" and some concise and snappy narration.

2) Re-think what the title suggests is going to happen - the title is 'Rule 3: always avoid colleagues on the train home', this suggests I am going to get a bunch of reasons why I should avoid this guy on the train (which I sort of do through the narration) but most of it is the main character talking about what's happening at work or a random fact about the man - but I don't see how this related to the train. He gets off the train because this guy is so bad - but how is he bad on the train? He hasn't actually done much...he's annoying, only because the narration tells us he is.

3) Which leads me to - SHOW ME DON'T TELL ME For example - don't tell me he's annoying because he likes these certain types of love songs - SHOW ME by having the guy start singing at him on the train. Break each "reason he's annoying" up work out which ones can be dialogue between the two and play out on the train itself, which ones can have added narration, which ones can have their own (cut to) scene etc. Cut down the narration and make as much of it part of the action with the protagonist and the colleague as you can.

I think it's overall, very well done and has huge potential, with some jiggling about a bit. You're clearly a funny guy and the intelligence shows through, so it can really be something special.

Hope my feedback doesn't sound harsh - in my head I was saying it with a happy voice! :-P

Jo

Thanks all for the comments. They are all really helpful. JoChall I agree with your comments - if I had my time again I'd certainly do things differently. I am glad you felt there was something there though.

We are about to film a new web episode (it needs some editing) but I wonder what you guys think of the script and if you think it fits with the web series format that I am trying to go for...thanks!

EXT. OUTSIDE PUB - AFTERNOON
STAN rings EMMA, it goes to voicemail:
STAN
Hey Em's, I'm so sorry. Hope you've got the flowers? Can I take you for
dinner tonight at Pizza Express at
six. I can explain all then. Please

INT. OFFICE BUILDING - AFTERNOON
FADE TO BLACK:

FADE IN:

STAN is seen sprinting into a swanky, modern building. STAN
is holding a Primark bag and a Clinton's Cards bag with a
balloon poking out. STAN is on his phone as he runs. STAN is out of breath.

STAN
So that is definitely booked for 7
on Saturday?
( BEAT)
Great, thanks. Yes I'll be
supplying all the balloons and decorations.

STAN gets a voicemail from EMMA
Got your voicemail. Ok. You better
have a good excuse. It will take
more than just flowers even though
they were nice! I'll see you later.

STAN enters the building and looks around panicked. He goes
towards the reception desk but there's a big queue. Stan looks around some more and sees a sign for 'Interviews'.

Stan runs up the stairs towards the interview room. He sees
a big plant in a pot and decides to stash his balloon, and bags in the pot.

STAN (V/O)
You can do this.

STAN enters the Interview Room.
A rugged looking man sits behind a desk. As Stan walks in
the man gets up from behind the desk.

INTERVIEWER
Are you here for the interview?

STAN
Yes! So sorry I'm late. Not the
best start!

INTERVIEWER
That's fine. Don't worry. I have
your CV here. Are we ok to begin?

STAN
Yes, that's fine.

INTERVIEWER
I must say, you have a very
impressive CV, I can see you've got lots of experience.

STAN (V/O)
Bye bye Housham!

STAN
Thanks!

INTERVIEWER
So what attracted you to this job and what makes you think you'd be
good at it?

STAN (V/O)
I wouldn't be.

STAN
I guess that I feel my experience
in IT, and computer systems, would be very beneficial to the company. I am a real team player and consistently coming up with good ideas as to how to streamline processes and IT systems.

STAN (V/O)
Streamline. That was unbelievable.

INTERVIEWER
That's excellent that you have such detailed computing knowledge, you're right it would be very beneficial.

STAN (V/O)
He loves me. Hello house deposit!

INTERVIEWER
You've told me that you're a real team player. Have you got any examples?

STAN (V/O)
Just lie.

STAN
Yes, sure.

STAN panicking a little
(BEAT)
Probably the best example I have of that is the foundation my work colleagues and I created.
STAN (V/O)
What have you just done?

INTERVIEWER
Foundation? That sounds fascinating. Please go on...

STAN (V/O)
Oh dear God. Foundation? What the hell have you just said?

STAN begins to sweat and panic. He looks around the room for
inspiration where he sees a headline on a newspaper over the
desk that reads "Seal washed up on the Thames."

STAN
So the foundation takes in wild seals that have been injured by oil tanker spillages.

INTERVIEWER
Wild seals?

STAN
Yes. We are a team of 4 who rely on donations from Joe Public to help us keep the foundation going.

STAN (V/O)
Joe Public? Run with it.

STAN
So to get back to the original question - we have to work closely together to first raise funds, second, take the injured seals to our shelter and third, work with other organisations to help them get back into the wild.

STAN (V/O)
That was, without doubt, the single greatest thing you've ever done. Take a bow.

INTERVIEWER
Fascinating. Moving on, how do you think your experience makes you the
right fit for this role?

STAN
Well I've got broad experience of Flash, HTML and designing web pages...

INTERVIEWER
Sorry, I should've been clearer. Experience that is specific to this role. Go ahead.

STAN (V/O)
Shit. Don't be too technical. Keep it broad.

STAN
I guess over the years I've built up some wide skills -the ability to analyse different products and their strengths and weaknesses. Speaking more technically I am also very strong with Flash.

INTERVIEWER
Ah that is interesting. So Dettol vs Flash for example, what would you say is the stronger product?

STAN (V/O)
Dettol vs Flash? Shit! What's Dettol programming?

(LONG PAUSE )

STAN
I'd probably say Flash. On balance I think it is easier to use, more widely known - so it is very dependable, and just generally more resilient.

STAN (V/O)
I am the man.

INTERVIEWER
I'm inclined to agree that Flash is the superior product. If you got the job here, how do you imagine you'll progress? Does management interest you for example?

STAN (V/O)
If I got the job? He's still on the fence. Massive answer required here.

STAN
I am very ambitious by nature.

STAN V/O
Liar.

STAN
So management is something that
definitely appeals. Whilst I certainly feel I could manage a big team, I would hope that the process and systems improvements that I would've introduced would mean that there would no longer be the need for such a big team.

STAN (V/O)
What an incredible performance this is.

INTERVIEWER
Very interesting. It's not immediately clear to me how you could do this job without an army of people, but I'm very intrigued by your ideas. Excellent. So I can see from your CV that you speak fluent German. Obviously a key part
of this job is how you interact with people. We have a couple of Germans on our staff.

STAN (V/O)
German?

INTERVIEWER
Eine große Anzahl von Ihren Aufgaben wird es sein, ein Team im Ausland zu verwalten. Bist du in Ordnung mit diesem?

STAN (V/O)
What's happening?

STAN
Sorry could you just repeat that please?

INTERVIEWER
Sure. Eine große Anzahl von Ihren Aufgaben wird es sein, ein Team im Ausland zu verwalten. Bist du in Ordnung mit diesem?

STAN (V/O)
Is he having a stroke?

INTERVIEWER
Stan? Can you answer the question?

STAN
This is bad. This is so bad. Come on man. Dig out your GCSE Oral. You've got this.

STAN
Ich wassesportmoglichkeiten ins London ja.

STAN (V/O)
Well done Stan. Well done.
(LONG PAUSE )

INTERVIEWER
You've just told me there are watersports opportunities in London.

STAN
Yes, yes I did.
(BEAT)
I thought I'd show off some of my German vocabularly. I believe wassesportmoglichkeiten is the longest word in the German dictionary.

STAN (V/O)
Bullet dodged.

INTERVIEWER
(bemused) Ok.
(BEAT)
Moving on, have you got your own mop?

STAN (V/O)
Have I got my own mop?

STAN
Sorry?

INTERVIEWER
Obviously we provide you with the relevant cleaning materials such as dettol but we know some cleaners prefer to work with their own mops.

STAN
Cleaners?

INTERVIEWER
Something wrong?

STAN
Sorry you said have I got my own mop?

INTERVIEWER
Yes. Sorry is everything ok?

STAN
Yes sorry, I am just wondering why a Flash developer would need a mop?

INTERVIEWER
This is the cleaning job. Not the flash developer role. You are Tomaz
Breme aren't you?

STAN
No. I'm Stan Bennett.

INTERVIEWER
Oh dear. I think you're at the wrong interview.

STAN
Well where's my interview?

INTERVIEWER
The IT job interviews are up on Floor two.

BUIDLING ALARM

MAN ON TANNOY
There has been a suspicious package found on the First floor. Please calmly and sensibly evacuate the building.

STAN (V/O)
Oh come on.

INTERVIEWER quickly ushers Stan out of the room.

STAN
What about the Flash job?

INTERVIEWER
Come on we need to get going.

STAN and the INTERVIEWER pass a team of bomb disposal
experts adjacent to the pot plant. STAN goes to tell them
that the packages are his but is pulled away from the area by THE INTERVIEWER.

FADE TO BLACK

Overall I preferred your monologues to the dialogue. The dialogue with V/O interjections being smug or dismissive what's being said moves much more into Peep Show territory. Obviously there are much worse comedy sins than being a bit too close to Peep Show, but that's a high standard of writing to try to live up to, and I think the more extended thoughts expressed by the monologues in your pilot gave you a far more interesting and distinctive comedy voice.

The other thing this lacks compared with the pilot is the really strong bitter tone it was built around. Without the rants or the visual jokes backing up the gags this feels like a different show. How much he loathes the idea of going to interviews is a fantastic subject for a rant...

The actual dialogue of the interview needs a bit of a rethink. Trouble is that whilst the odd questions and answers make a little more sense when you know he's in the wrong interview, your punchline shouldn't be explaining the joke. Until the "have you got your own mop?" question the scene just felt unevenly written.
There are two ways of doing it, make the interview more wildly bizarre so it's obvious they're talking past each other, or make it even more carefully neutral and corporate-speak-ish (the word "operations", as applicable to cleaning as to software, might be your friend here) and then have the Dettol question immediately followed by the mop question. I like the latter option better; the original episodes built a world which was bland and everyday rather than weird and Pythonic. Option three would be to open that scene with a monologue over the top of them miming the interview opening pleasantries; probably on the subject of how the reason corporate IT sucks is that hiring is done by HR types who want to talk about him being a "team player" and are pleased he's "good at computers". That might be better still, but it's more difficult to pull off seamlessly.

Even without the above points, I'd shorten the interview.

The awkward situation with the girlfriend set up at the beginning seems like it needs a payoff (or a "to be continued" hint towards the end, or an extended bitter rant on the subject of birthdays to make it not seem like it's a signpost for a really funny confrontation). Feels like this has been excised from a larger script.

Might be worth emphasising it being a high security venue near the beginning of the scene (e.g. by having him evading a security check line) to make the bomb hoax bit at the end feel less forced. Especially if the package includes balloons

Thanks for this Enigmatic. I've been busy editing the web series and taking on board your comments for future episodes. We've just finished Series 1 of the Web Series. Here's the final first episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LwBsPTFuPY

Anyone got any advice on how to get a web series out there and viewed by people?

Also, if anyone has any comments (positive or negative) about this first episode I'd love to hear them. Thanks!