Charley is the only one who does this anymore

Big Jack is married to a woman called Otis. She gets her kicks by putting her name in every lift she rides in ( that and kicking Jack in the breads at every opportunity).

Will Cam is currently sitting opposite me with a rose in his mouth and fluttering his eyelashes.

Roscoff is sitting in front of me with his back turned to my face. This means he's sitting between me and Will Cam. My question is: What the f*** are we doing here?!!

Gordon Bennett just farted and it smells like sperm.

Nigel thinks heraldic symbols were invented by Keith Moon.

Will just phoned and asked me. Are rusks made with real dried breast milk.

Nigel Ball cannot pass a Greggs without crying for the poor pastry.

To be sung in a Country and Western style:

Now Big Jack came a calling
For my big sister Sue
He said he had present for her
That she couldn't chew
He took her to the big barn
And showed her what to do
And to this day she's known round here
As suck-and swallow Sue

And to this day she's known round here as suck-and swallowwwwww Sueeeeeee

Diddle-dle-ing-ding
Diddle-dle-ing-ding
Diddle-dle-ing-ding
Ding-ding!

Will Cam can only be killed by a Findus Chicken Steak through the heart.

Big Jack got excited when he saw an advert on Google for "Cockleshell Bay". He got more excited when he put his Glasses on and realized it actually said "Cock Sale on E-Bay".

Nigel does a song & dance routine every morning on the way to the bus stop, and gets very cross with passers by that don't know the dance moves.

Steve Sunshine Shaves and lubricates his Muppet's before putting them to Bed. His Bed!

Nigel Ball's hobbies include farting in private and photographing see saws.

Nigel Kelly likes the taste of werther's original when he sucks on his Granddads false teeth.