GRAMS: UPLIFTING MUSIC

VOICEOVER:
Are you looking for a better cup of coffee? A cup that donates money to worthy causes every time you buy it? Then you need Kirribucks' new unfairtrade blend. Our tax arrangements mean that for every cappuccino you buy, schools, hospitals and the poor donate their cut of the profits to help you enjoy your caffeine hit for less. Felicity Urquhart-Beaver didn't know where she would find the energy to get through her trust-funded fashion internship.

FELICITY:
(POSH) Oh my God, it's like I actually have to pick up clothes and move them about and stuff!

VOICEOVER:
With Kirribucks Unfairtrade, a hospital in Blackburn went without a much-needed dialysis machine to help Felicity combat her party-fuelled hangovers with cheap coffee.

FELICITY:
Thanks Blackburn! Especially the ones who died!

VOICEOVER:
All over the country, caffeine-addicted middle-class people are benefitting from our unfairtrade policies. And hospitals, schools and the poor are getting a warm glow from our generosity on their behalf - which almost makes up for their inability to afford heating. So try Kirribucks Unfairtrade coffee today. Because tax doesn't have to be... paid.

Very good. I like this. And the "advert" format always works well.
Alison

Funny, nicely written and punchy

Yeah, it's not perfect but it's a superb angle on a story. Proper satire too! Nice one.

Dan

I like this sketch a lot. The premise needs to be a little clearer, perhaps explain a little more about the Unfairtrade mark a little more and make it clearer it shows they haven't paid tax but if we can get that idea honed it's a really nice sketch.

And proper satire too. Well done!

Thanks everyone, really appreciate your comments.

Stephen - I didn't want to put too much exposition in the sketch, but if I can think of a slightly clearer way of explaining the concept, I'll post an updated version here. Otherwise, feel free to rewrite/edit ruthlessly if you can see a better way of getting it across.

Thanks again.

Hi KI people.

I've had a go at rewriting the opening speech of this sketch to make the premise a bit clearer, as per Stephen's suggestion. Also to remove 'schools, hospitals and the poor', a phrase which I discovered I more or less repeated in the closing speech. Finally, I got rid of 'trust-funded' so as not to clash with 'funding' just before it. 'Parentally-financed' is a bit clumsier but at least gets across the idea that she's well off (can't think of a better way of doing this at the moment). I've left the rest of the sketch as it was.

If you do want to use it, feel free to make other changes as you see fit.

Thanks.

GRAMS:UPLIFTING MUSIC

VOICEOVER:
Are you looking for a better cup of coffee? A cup that donates money to worthy causes every time you buy it? Then you need Kirribucks' new Unfairtrade blend. Unfairtrade means we don't pay any tax. So you can rest easy knowing that vital public services are donating their funding to help you enjoy your caffeine hit for less. Felicity Urquhart-Beaver didn't know where she would find the energy to get through her parentally-financed fashion internship.

FELICITY:
(POSH) Oh my God, it's like I actually have to pick up clothes and move them about and stuff!

VOICEOVER:
With Kirribucks Unfairtrade, a hospital in Blackburn went without a much-needed dialysis machine to help Felicity combat her party-fuelled hangovers with cheap coffee.

FELICITY:
Thanks Blackburn! Especially the ones who died!

VOICEOVER:
All over the country, smug middle-class people are benefitting from our Unfairtrade policies. And hospitals, schools and the poor are getting a warm glow from our generosity on their behalf - which almost makes up for their inability to afford heating. So try Kirribucks Unfairtrade coffee today. Because tax doesn't have to be... paid.

Ditto on the compliments. Like the rewrite. Funny and clever.

Two tiny thoughts:

- Maybe instead of Felicity being an intern (which, parentally-financed or not, is a position that can garner some sympathy) she should be in a position that we know for certain deserves zero charity.

- Maybe, instead of using Felicity twice, there should be a second person even more contemptible than Felicity.

But yes, good sketch.

Fracking fantastic idea - congratulations.

I'm not a script ed, so you don't have to listen to me, but disagree with Steven (sorry Steven, don't hurt me) that it needs more explanation, not less. My take, for what it's worth, is that this is a 'one big idea' sketch but you kind of drip the idea out slowly like someone opening a bottle of fizz really slowly and responsibly. Better to go for the Formula 1 driver approach - build up the pressure and release with a bang.

Also think there's a bit too much explaining of Felicity. Once you've said 'Fashion intern Felicity Urquhart-Beaver' we already know everything we need to know about her.

Thanks for reading and commenting, Yacob and Bomsh.

Yacob
- I agree about the internship thing and the sympathy factor, although I can't think of a better alternative at the moment.

- I think I prefer sticking to Felicity rather than introducing someone else, as I feel that rather than using her twice, I'm just elaborating on her story.

Bomsh
- I'm not sure I can see this as a one-joke sketch, as it would necessarily have to be a lot shorter then, and I think I would struggle to explain the concept in a very short space of time. I'm sure there is a way of doing it like that though.

-You might be right that we don't really require any more on Felicity, but I do quite like giving her the chance to speak, which introduces a different voice into the sketch to break it up a bit.

I'll leave any further edits to the Kirrin Island people now, if they do want to use it.

Thanks again, guys.

FELICITY:
Thanks Blackburn! Especially the ones who died!

I think this line is a little too obvious.

Thanks for reading, HamOnRye.

You're probably right about that being a bit too obvious. I think it just felt right for her to say thanks after the explanation, and then I was trying to get a laugh there as well, and take the point as far as it could go. Not sure it would get a laugh, but I still quite like the idea of her thanking dead people.